smudge21 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 After a good 8 months of NC, occasionally broken up with the odd contact on both sides, last week I suddenly came to a point where I realised I don't mind anymore. It's hard to explain, but basically, I feel nothing. No happiness that it happened or that it's over; no sadness that I haven't seen her and won't again. I just totally feel nothing. I've even tried to remember the past, good and bad, and yet still nothing whereas previously I'd be in a mess. This has just happened after a few weeks of, sadly, looking at pictures and social media. Making myself feel good, then feel bad. Doing that drug addict thing of getting my fix, only to be hurt again. Then after one weekend, I suddenly feel like this. Up until then I was dreading this time as shortly she's due to be married and the thought of it was eating away at me. I so desperately wanted to see her one last time (for what ends, I don't know). I honestly didn't know how I was going to cope come the day she get's married. I was going to even post her the closer it got, but now I just feel okay about it all. Yeah, she's going to Mrs Not-Me, but instead of that now stressing me out, I'm just fine with it, well, not fine, but okay... well, not okay, just... nothing. We even texted each other recently (work stuff, nothing more) and it just felt like texting a friend. Yeah, I feel I still miss her, but as a friend would miss a friend. Honestly, if this continues, I feel I could even go to her wedding (I won't... no way...). I guess in the past, when relationships have ended, there's always been a reason - cheating, lies - and therefore there's been anger or hatred. A definite reason not to talk to the other person. But with this, we seperated as friends and in many ways, still are. I simply went NC because I couldn't handle being her friend knowing that's all it would ever be. Now though, I think I accept that and am simply fine about it... I truly hope this stays as I feel kinda... free. It's really hard to explain. I'm not saying that's it, I'm cured and 100% fine, as I've seen many people say that only to fall when they least expect it, but as of now, this is a good time. First time I can say that in a good long while too. Funny how it's also nearly exactly a year since I joined LS too...
Exit Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Congrats. As you said it's not exactly "happiness" but it is such a relief when you finally get to this point. It's like the brain or the heart finally decides it has had enough suffering. People always ask what they can do to heal, but I don't think anything can really bring this about, some day it just finally happens. I was able to enjoy this indifferent state of mind for a few days recently, but I'm still in the ping-pong ball stage where my moods change, and I've slipped a little bit and have gone back to being somewhat depressed about things. But I know I always get there eventually. Girls who once made me think the world was ending and I'd never smile again, I could go type them into Facebook right now and not really feel anything.
Philosoraptor Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 It seems like you're getting to the right place. Time heals nothing, it's what you do with that time that heals. Some hang on and wallow for years, some take charge and are better in a month. Be glad that you're getting to that point and soon there will be no bothersome thoughts whatsoever.
Frank13 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Smudge, I know this has been a long and difficult road for you. I am glad to see where you are at now and I hope it stays that way. As I know you are well aware, you have to be careful about thinking you can be friends with her. Sometimes people get to the place you are at, think they can be friends, and then when they make contact all the feelings come back. Other times they do become friends and gradually, or after a period of time, the feelings come back. You have worked so hard to get to this point. I think NC is not only to let you heal, but to get past having the person in your life.
betterdeal Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Aw, I like to hear a happy story. Made me feel warm inside May your peace and happiness continue unabated!
Author smudge21 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Thanks for the replies people, really nice to read. I know I'm not totally healed or over her, plus I also know (due to work) she's still a part of my life in some way. Therefore there always will be the odd contact where we'll be friendly, but that's a long way off from being friends. I know the feelings are still there, but they don't seem to be holding me down, controlling me anymore. I guess in a perfect world, the final outcome for this would be for us to be friends as we once were and just see her as that and nothing more. Whether that happens or not is anyone's guess, I'm not planning my life around it, just taking each day as it comes... but feeling much better than I did last year that's for sure.
Frank13 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I guess in a perfect world, the final outcome for this would be for us to be friends as we once were and just see her as that and nothing more. Whether that happens or not is anyone's guess, I'm not planning my life around it, just taking each day as it comes... but feeling much better than I did last year that's for sure. I wonder this too. I have had so many friends drift in, and then out of, my life never to be seen or heard from again. People get married, move away, or simply drift a part. So is the fact they are an ex make it more likely that they stay in our life as friends or more likely that they don't? I think we see both outcomes on these forums. Some people remain friends, or become friends after NC, with their exs and some don't. Sometimes they love them too much to be friends and sometimes the fact that they did love them makes them a better friend then those they didn't love. I guess it all depends on the situation and the people involved.
CopingGal Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Time heals nothing, it's what you do with that time that heals. . Actually I do not agree with that. I think time does heal all wounds. However, you can do healthy things to speed up the healing process.
Philosoraptor Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Actually I do not agree with that. I think time does heal all wounds. However, you can do healthy things to speed up the healing process. I disagree. Read the stories here. The ones taking care of themselves are healing and striving for themselves. I've read many a story where many years later people have still not healed at all and sit in an unhealthy mixture of anger and misery. There was one where over 8 years later this person was still hanging on and miserable due to a breakup. Time alone does nothing. If you are using that time and finding peace with the situation you will heal, if you go the other route you will stagnate.
Author smudge21 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Got to agree with Philosoraptor on this one. I know that I've spent many times just doing nothing, hoping time would heal, but during those empty days is when the mind wanders. Keeping busy, having a focus, no matter what it is, helps much better. An update to my original post is that I've since noticed her online, mutual friends and all that, and still it's really hard to say how I feel. It still feels like nothing. I look at her, still find her very attractive, still would like to see her one last time, but in that same sense (as before) I've no idea what I'd do or say, so I just ho-hum to it all and carry on. It's as if, for the first time in ages, my heart is still craving her, but now my head is in charge and he's simply saying "look all you want mate, I'm not letting you take control again!".
bestrong Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I look at her, still find her very attractive, still would like to see her one last time, but in that same sense (as before) I've no idea what I'd do or say, so I just ho-hum to it all and carry on. It's as if, for the first time in ages, my heart is still craving her, but now my head is in charge and he's simply saying "look all you want mate, I'm not letting you take control again!". Good for you smudge! I am feeling similar nowadays. She is still attractive and would like to see her again but if she is standing in front of me, all i can say will probably be hi and bye.
Author smudge21 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Good for you smudge! I am feeling similar nowadays. She is still attractive and would like to see her again but if she is standing in front of me, all i can say will probably be hi and bye. I have no ill will towards her, so would be great to be in that place where there is no emotion, just a friendship. But I'm also not stupid to risk that now as I do know that the feelings/memories/desires are still there, just no longer controlling me. I know from past similar times though, once the feelings go, the emotions die etc, it's usual that that's it. I never see the person again. Although I am saying a friendship would be nice, I believe that's still a bit of those emotions telling me that, so once they're gone, will I still feel that way. All that said, I do still look over the entire 20 months since meeting her and think I'd be better off if I never had - the good times definitely were not worth this amount of heartache. Due to this, I am feeling regretful at the amount of time I've wasted on just one person. A person who was no one to me 20 months and a day earlier.
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