Onlyjonley Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I love my boyfriend and we have a great relationship. But lately I have been getting annoyed with how much time is spent with his friends. Two of his friends moved in his house a few months ago after his last roommate moved out and ever since, his house is constantly one big hangout session. There are always a ton of people over. Most of the time I'm okay with this and I do like all of his friends. But sometimes I just want a nice, quiet evening alone with my boy and I feel I rarely get that. This weekend was all about his friends. Friday night, one of his friends asked us to go eat then it was home for video games all night. Saturday, we watched basketball all day ...with his friends. Saturday night, he went over to a friend's house for a movie night and today, he had friends over to watch playoff games all day. The only alone time I've gotten with him is this morning when we went to Starbucks together. I mentioned it to him yesterday. His response was "Well, just tell me if you want to do something with just us ...you're definitely my first priority." but then the rest of his weekend was spent with them. I know he loves me and he shows he cares in many ways. I just don't think that special one-on-one time is as important to him as it is me. And he invites me to everything so him not wanting to spend time with me is not my concern. I want him to have a life outside of me and I'm glad he has a great group of friends. But I'd like for him to find some balance. At the same time, I don't want to be too needy or clingy when it comes to this. The last thing I want to do is dictate how he spends his time. I'm usually pretty laid back and don't want to be unreasonable about this. Suggestions?
Andy_K Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 His response was "Well, just tell me if you want to do something with just us ...you're definitely my first priority." Do what he said and tell him, specifically, when you'd like to spend some time together. "Let's have a night in with just the two of us on sunday" or whatever. It will be that simple. There are communication differences here: You think that by mentioning it, he should spend more time with just you generally. He on the other hand, thinks that by telling you he's happy to do whatever you ask that, you can just decide as and when you want to do so. He's a guy. Specific, asked for plans from his friends will come in front of vague suggestions from his partner. If you want his time, you need to be specific about making plans.
Author Onlyjonley Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 As frustrating as that is, I know you're right. But the stubborn side of me wants him to iniate alone time as well. I don't want to have to be the only one to suggest it. I want it to be a priority to him as well. But I understand that's just not how it works with dudes.
Els Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 As frustrating as that is, I know you're right. But the stubborn side of me wants him to iniate alone time as well. I don't want to have to be the only one to suggest it. I want it to be a priority to him as well. But I understand that's just not how it works with dudes. I disagree that all men are that way, or that you should have to be the one making plans ALL the time if you want to see him alone. Certainly, you should make some solid plans instead of just ask to 'spend time alone'. But it certainly shouldn't be just you doing that - you are right in that he should be doing it as well. I really don't think it's unreasonable. Unless you're in high school, your dates really shouldn't be involving friends 90% of the time. I would suggest you initiating and making plans for the next date - and then after that, light-heartedly tell him that it's his turn to ask you for the following one. Observe what he does.
make me believe Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 How old is he? This is extremely common for guys in their late teens/early twenties, especially when they have friends as roommates. I definitely experienced this with guys I dated when I was younger, so I sympathise with you! You can't be stubborn and wait for him to initiate alone time because that will just build frustration and resentment in you. But at the same time, it's not fair for him to expect you to initiate ALL of your alone time -- and he should want to spend time with you away from his friends as well. I think Elswyth's idea of planning a date and then telling him it's his turn next is a good idea.
Author Onlyjonley Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 He is 25. And only 2 out of about 10 of his friends currently have girlfriends ...and those girlfriends both live out-of-state. So I'm the only girlfriend ever around. That certainly doesn't help matters. I don't think he means anything by it. He really is a sweet guy and goes out of his way in tons of other ways. When we are hanging out with his friends, he is still very attentive and loving/caring. But as you all know, it's still not the same as one-on-one time. And every so often it makes me feel as if he is bored when it is just us or that he'd rather hang out with his friends than he would me. I may be over thinking things, I'm not sure. I actually told him over the weekend that I'd like a date night with just us this Friday. He said that was fine with him. I may take your advice and suggest he make plans for the next "just us" night. I will say ... I am super ready for spring. We've already talked about lots of outdoorsey activities we're going to do together.
Lucky_One Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Why not ask him to come over to your place?
Author Onlyjonley Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 He comes over every so often, but it's really no better over there. I am living with 3 other girls temporarily (I received a job in the area a few months back and needed to find a place to live pretty quickly and they needed a subleaser). So it's usually pretty hectic at my place and we are usually confined to my room with not much to do ...which maybe is a good thing, really.
Els Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 There's plenty of stuff you can do in a room, you know.
Kamille Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Because of the current living arrangements, it doesn't sound like your lives are currently set up for much alone time. I think it's important to recognize this as a central part of the problem. I know he loves me and he shows he cares in many ways. I just don't think that special one-on-one time is as important to him as it is me. Yes, alone time is more important to you than it is to him right now. And while you would like the both of you to be on the same page about this, the fact is, you aren't. Does that mean his behavior is poor and that he needs to change? Absolutely not. What it means is that you have to take his word for it that you mean a lot to him and that he is happy to spend alone time with you whenever you want. You know what, in a relationship, that's a pretty great compromise. So do it. Tell him you want to go out on a date next weekend. Brainstorm a few ideas together. As an aside, I'm left wondering if another part of the solution would be for you to spend more time with your own friends or pursuing your own hobbies. From the way you describe this weekend, it sounds like you're a fixture in his life. In my experience, a little independence goes a long way towards keeping romance alive.
stillafool Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I agree that the problem is your living conditions. There is no place at either of your homes for the two of you to be alone. It isn't his fault. He can't make his roommates leave just as you can't make yours leave. Why don't the two of you splurge for a hotel one weekend for alone time? You can split the cost if money is a problem.
counterman Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I agree that the living conditions would make it a little difficult to get some alone time. He says your his first priority and I would take his word unless he shows otherwise. Make plans with him and see how that goes. When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she was always out with her friends and when I brought up having alone time together, she would make it seem like it was so much effort. I suggest bringing up plans and sharing ideas on what to do together and see how that goes. I would say you suggest something for this time and then tell him to suggest something for the next time you guys are alone. If he means what he says, then he'll be enthusiastic. Remember, though, you won't be the one to always initiate. Just do it for now. If it feels like you're the only one making the effort, then that's another point of discussion. Try that for now and on top of that, when he's with his friends, you should be with yours and having your own fun time or doing whatever makes you happy without him around (not always the case , I mean you could hang out with him and his friends but have your own thing going on too). That's just my 2 cents.
Author Onlyjonley Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Well said, Kamille. I do know he cares about me. As far as our living arrangements go -- yes, there are always people around. But even if we decide to go to a movie or go to dinner, he'll mention inviting others to go. I think it's just a mix of him being a social butterfly and me being laid back/going with the flow about most of our plans. I'm going to try and be more upfront with him about it when I do feel the need for alone time. As far as pursuing my own friends and hobbies -- I do. We were together Friday night and Saturday day. I spent Saturday evening and Sunday doing my own thing while he was with friends. And we only hang out a couple days during the week. So we really aren't constantly together. I've made sure of that -- I don't want to burn out the relationship. Thanks for the advice.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Hebby, I think you need to pull back a lil bit, and start making yourself slightly less available to him. That way he can come looking for you. A bunch of guys are more fun to hang out with, theres more laughs, better jokes, they dont play games, ask indirect questions, stuff like that, but it will get old if theres no alternative readily available. You are the alternative right now, and youre trying to push your way into his time. Thats why theres no balance in your favor. Right now its in his favor, and this is what he wants. You might not be able to change that if youre pushy about it. He knows you'll always be there, so theres no reason for him to try. You need to flip the balance, and start letting him push his way into your time. THEN he will start finding ways for more alone time. Just dont hang out with him as much if he wants to bring his friends. Hinting your way into getting more time with him isnt going to work. I think your best bet is spending even MORE time with your friends, so he has to miss you. If that means you dont see him or a couple weeks because he wants to hang out with his friends, then you know where you really stand. he can say anything he wants, but the actions speak all. Edited January 24, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
Author Onlyjonley Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 He does try in so many other ways. I don't want it to seem like he's not treating me right because he is wonderful. I see what you're saying, Eddie. But the last thing I want to do is distance myself or push him away. I've done that in the past in our relationship over another issue and it just got him worked up, worried and stressed. And I don't feel I'm too available. We each have our own interests and spend part of our time doing our own thing. Like I said, I'm just going to try and be more upfront about when I feel we need alone time together and how important that is to me.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) He does try in so many other ways. I don't want it to seem like he's not treating me right because he is wonderful. I see what you're saying, Eddie. But the last thing I want to do is distance myself or push him away. I've done that in the past in our relationship over another issue and it just got him worked up, worried and stressed. And I don't feel I'm too available. We each have our own interests and spend part of our time doing our own thing. Like I said, I'm just going to try and be more upfront about when I feel we need alone time together and how important that is to me. Its not about you being too available now, its about him not taking initiative to make one on one time with you. At some pioint, you have to say that you dont really like hanging with his friends THAT often. Im sure you can find a way to say it without turning him off, but its the truth. When he gets worried and stressed out is the time to make him realize that youre serious. Because otherwise, he could make some alone time a couple times to appease you, then go back to the way things are now. Now I dont know if he is hanging with his friends so much because super bowl is coming up, or if this is the way it is all the time, so you might have to resort to making him panic a lil bit. But the real deal is this, if it comes down to him generally wanting to hang with his friends more than you, he might not want to change that, and you cant change people, so you might have to accept that this is the way your relationship will be with him. He might not be ready to be in a full blown out relationship right now. If thats the case you might have to find someone who isnt as social. Because the last thing you want is for him to tell his friends "Ahh I cant.. cuz my girl tells me I dont spend enough time with her, but Id rather hang with you guys". Edited January 24, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
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