maysj18 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the phenomenon where once the person you like likes you back you suddenly aren't interested anymore. I used to not think much of it when it happened to me, but now it's really starting to affect my dating life. It doesn't matter how well we click or how attracted I am to someone, as soon as we start seeing each other exclusively, I pick them apart like crazy. It's like I have a mental checklist that doesn't come into play until we're dating. Like I said, they could be the most handsome person I've ever seen, but as soon as we're out one on one, I pull out my magnifying glass and find any flaw I can that turns me off. It's such destructive behavior. For example, I have been talking to this wonderful guy lately. He's very charming and attractive; however, now that it's almost time for our first date, I've started looking at him in a different light. I am not perfect and I'd feel terrible if I found out I was being picked apart that way, so why in the world do I expect my partner to be perfect? If anyone has ever been through this, please give me some advice. I know I'm the problem. I was attracted to them before and that doesn't change over night. I just don't know why I do this. I feel like I've missed out on some good relationships because I've just let the sparks die in the past. Edited January 23, 2012 by maysj18
FitChick Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Fear of commitment. As long as a guy doesn't like you, you are safe. When he responds, you think there must be something wrong with him to like you. As Woody Allen said, "I'd never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member." Eliminate your negative beliefs with the Lefkoe Method.
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I'm not sure where shallowness comes into play here, but you're picking this guy apart before you've even had a date? Sounds to me like you're more interested in the challenge of it all than actually finding someone to share yourself with.
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Sounds normal to me as part of the growing up process. You're college age and a virgin, unless that's changed since April, so things are still 'new' and relatively 'black and white' to you. With more life experience, hopefully not too painful, you'll find a particular path which speaks to you. You're looking for it now. Try different things, including your 'lists' and 'picking people apart'. Over time, you'll find a style which is healthy for you. Any abandonment issues in childhood? Death? Divorce? etc. Sometimes emotional memories can replay as cognitive tapes in the present.
westrock Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) I am not perfect and I'd feel terrible if I found out I was being picked apart that way, so why in the world do I expect my partner to be perfect? You expect your partner to be perfect likely because you are trying to be perfect yourself. In today's society, our perceived "flaws" are frowned upon, and society (especially the media) puts pressure on us to be "perfect". Initially in dating we put our best foot forward. We can show our perfect side, without revealing our perceived "flaws". However, once you start dating, the real you will start to come out, percieved flaws included. That probably scares you. When we can't accept our perceived flaws, we either start to look for those qualities in others so that we can rationalize to ourselves that we are "normal" or so that we can justify pushing them away before they discover our "flaws". You need to focus on feeling comfortable about just being yourself, flaws too, including not "feeling terrible" if you were "being picked apart that way". If we can't accept all of our own qualities, then how can we expect others to accept us? Besides, if he were to pick you apart, it is really a reflection of him, not you. Edited January 23, 2012 by westrock
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