happythroughout Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I live in a city away from my family and long to be in a relationship again. I don't have that many friends left in that city and being not that sociable (I'm not a wall flower but neither am I the life of parties), I don't go to as many meetup groups as I would have liked and as I used to. I guess I feel a little lonely, especially since my friends are getting attached one after another. However, if I had tons of friends to hang out with, I doubt I'll feel the need to find a partner that urgently. And while I want to find that someone, I don't make as much effort as I think I should (tried online dating but decided it was full of men that only wanted my photos or never really followed through even though they said they would like to see me again). I don't have a big problem with being by myself on weekends but I would really like to have friends to do activities with. I guess my question is given that I'm not that proactive in finding that someone and a little shy, do I really want to be in a relationship? This question probably stemmed from what I read from ditzchic in another thread. And I think I'm a little like what was described. :eek: I think this is it right here. Some people just have personalities that are not an easy match for others. It's not a bad personality, per se, but just a different one. I think these people usually tend to run especially deep and that's not easy for a lot of others to handle in the beginning stages. It seems like too much work and the other would rather bolt and find something more easily categorized. Another possible explanation.... The person may not be really ready for a serious relationship and as such is sending out very subtle clues and body language that it isn't going to happen which get picked up on by others.
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I guess my question is given that I'm not that proactive in finding that someone and a little shy, do I really want to be in a relationship? Desire, the feeling, is an impetus. Actions can spring from that desire or it can go unrequited. How that process works depends on the personality and psychology of the person. An extreme and stereotypical example of this would be collecting cats instead of having relationships with people. I don't have 'tons of friends' to hang out with, rather a close circle of long-term friends, and find that, right now, given the events of the recent past, I don't really have the interest nor the impetus to invest into the risks of romance. I still feel the buzz of attraction and enjoy those little moments with such potentials but, having been down the LTR and M path, as well as facing other life challenges, right now the expenses outweigh the income potential, to put it into accounting terms. When I was in my late twenties, my friends started getting married and having families and kind of 'drifted away' and I felt that impetus more strongly and acted on it. It would be another twelve years until I achieved a modicum of success, if a M could be called 'success'. IMO, if you're not 'feeling it', you're not. Cultivate interests and friendships which satisfy you and live your life. Once you're down the road, looking back, it'll seem incredibly brief. Make it count, whatever your choices are.
Author happythroughout Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Desire, the feeling, is an impetus. Actions can spring from that desire or it can go unrequited. How that process works depends on the personality and psychology of the person. An extreme and stereotypical example of this would be collecting cats instead of having relationships with people. I don't have 'tons of friends' to hang out with, rather a close circle of long-term friends, and find that, right now, given the events of the recent past, I don't really have the interest nor the impetus to invest into the risks of romance. I still feel the buzz of attraction and enjoy those little moments with such potentials but, having been down the LTR and M path, as well as facing other life challenges, right now the expenses outweigh the income potential, to put it into accounting terms. When I was in my late twenties, my friends started getting married and having families and kind of 'drifted away' and I felt that impetus more strongly and acted on it. It would be another twelve years until I achieved a modicum of success, if a M could be called 'success'. IMO, if you're not 'feeling it', you're not. Cultivate interests and friendships which satisfy you and live your life. Once you're down the road, looking back, it'll seem incredibly brief. Make it count, whatever your choices are. I somehow feel that I should get married or at least into another serious relationship because it's important for me. And of course I feel I'm left behind by my attached friends (yes, I get jealous) and annoyed that I've "lost" since they've got something I want. I may not be "feeling it" but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I still yearn to find love, be loved, and to love. Perhaps the "right" way is as you said, find friends and interests to indulge in. But not being with that someone is making me quite upset and it probably comes across as that. I don't know why I may "not" be looking for a relationship since I consciously know I want to be in one. I'm even confounded by myself.
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 But not being with that someone is making me quite upset and it probably comes across as that. Can you clearly explain why you feel this way? I'll use an example: Back 'then', I was established, successful, had a great circle of friends who were getting married and having children. I came from a stable family and felt that it was my destiny to continue in that realm with a family of my own. The upsetting part was, apparently, the 'path' I had followed was not attractive to the women of my generation whom I was meeting. It was frustrating. I can reflect upon that because I still live within the same walls a generation later and, even with a M in the interim, it feels so much more like 'home' than it did in my twenties when I was restless for that 'family' thing all my friends seemed to have, regardless of their stability or success. Perhaps those 'signals' were leaking out and I wasn't aware enough of social dynamics to understand that. I will say that, IMO, good friends and personal passions are really healthy for a long and satisfying life. The same psychology which facilitates those potentials works in the romance department. It's merely a matter of having the 'will', meeting a compatible partner and letting it happen. Perhaps 'merely' is understating it a bit
Author happythroughout Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Can you clearly explain why you feel this way? It's something I long for and I feel quite lonely as my friends have either relocated or found the loves of their lives and "deserted" me. It makes me feel like a "loser" not having found that someone myself and angry that I'm always the odd one out. In the city where I'm now, it's almost like finding that someone is the ultimate goal so I feel the pressure. I also feel having that someone to be in a loving relationship with will be the thing that will make everything else fall into place. I know relationships aren't always successful but at least I want to go back into it again. At least to be able to give it a shot. For example, I get asked what are you doing this weekend? I used to have so many activities but now I usually say nothing much. Then I get to hear how others have plans with their partners. I also get so in fear of listening to my friends talk about their boyfriends and go gaga about them that I shun them. Avoidance is my way of dealing with it. I'll use an example: Back 'then', I was established, successful, had a great circle of friends who were getting married and having children. I came from a stable family and felt that it was my destiny to continue in that realm with a family of my own. The upsetting part was, apparently, the 'path' I had followed was not attractive to the women of my generation whom I was meeting. It was frustrating. I can reflect upon that because I still live within the same walls a generation later and, even with a M in the interim, it feels so much more like 'home' than it did in my twenties when I was restless for that 'family' thing all my friends seemed to have, regardless of their stability or success. Perhaps those 'signals' were leaking out and I wasn't aware enough of social dynamics to understand that. I will say that, IMO, good friends and personal passions are really healthy for a long and satisfying life. The same psychology which facilitates those potentials works in the romance department. It's merely a matter of having the 'will', meeting a compatible partner and letting it happen. Perhaps 'merely' is understating it a bit Good friends and personal passions are what I want too. I have good friends. They just aren't either in my city or have not as much time for me anymore. I have the "will." But I don't know how to begin anymore.
Author happythroughout Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Anyone else has a view or gone through similar feelings?
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