11 months later...contact

[nothappyjan]

Well after he dumped me 11 months ago. I went strict no contact after telling him I couldnt be friends. I had a hellish time getting myself together. I've just started seeing someone (not official yet) and im feeling good and then he messages me out of the blue, wanting to catch up. Its been 2 days of texting and im so confused. I still have feelings and prob always will as he was my first relationship but I dont know if meeting up is a good idea :/

 

What do you think made him contact me suddenly

[Buttercup84]

What exactly did he say/has he been saying ?

[Exit]

Of course none of us have any idea what made him contact you, you'd be better of asking him that (and hoping for a truthful answer).

 

I can almost guarantee you're operating at a disadvantage though. You said yourself you still have feelings, and him contacting you is clearly already having an affect on you. The disadvantage? He clearly doesn't have the same feelings, if he was the one who left, and didn't reach out for 11 months, so there's no risk involved from him. He can chat you up, see how you're doing, and just get what he can from the situation, maybe some affectionate texts, maybe hanging out with you, maybe some physical contact. But his heart likely isn't in it like yours is. This could crash and burn and he can walk away saying "oh well, just wanted to see what my ex was up to", meanwhile your heart strings are already being tugged and will continue to be. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, it's just the simple fact that some form of feelings are still alive for you and probably aren't for him, at least not to the same extent.

 

Proceed with this disadvantage in mind, unless the day comes that he declares he has been totally miserable without you and made a huge mistake (and even then this can be a load of BS, as a fellow forum member experienced lately with getting a huge heartfelt email and then still basically leading to a dead end). Protect yourself and keep your best interests in mind, don't kid yourself for a minute by thinking he will protect your best interests. If getting in contact with you just leads to opening old wounds and causing you heartache, it doesn't matter to him. Keep your guard up, and if the time comes where you start to sense that nothing good is going to come of this, it would be best to cut the contact again. Some might even suggest you do that right this instant and just focus on the other person that you've been starting to spend time with, but I don't know enough of your situation to know if that's what you need to do.

[nothappyjan]

Of course none of us have any idea what made him contact you, you'd be better of asking him that (and hoping for a truthful answer).

 

I can almost guarantee you're operating at a disadvantage though. You said yourself you still have feelings, and him contacting you is clearly already having an affect on you. The disadvantage? He clearly doesn't have the same feelings, if he was the one who left, and didn't reach out for 11 months, so there's no risk involved from him. He can chat you up, see how you're doing, and just get what he can from the situation, maybe some affectionate texts, maybe hanging out with you, maybe some physical contact. But his heart likely isn't in it like yours is. This could crash and burn and he can walk away saying "oh well, just wanted to see what my ex was up to", meanwhile your heart strings are already being tugged and will continue to be. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, it's just the simple fact that some form of feelings are still alive for you and probably aren't for him, at least not to the same extent.

 

Proceed with this disadvantage in mind, unless the day comes that he declares he has been totally miserable without you and made a huge mistake (and even then this can be a load of BS, as a fellow forum member experienced lately with getting a huge heartfelt email and then still basically leading to a dead end). Protect yourself and keep your best interests in mind, don't kid yourself for a minute by thinking he will protect your best interests. If getting in contact with you just leads to opening old wounds and causing you heartache, it doesn't matter to him. Keep your guard up, and if the time comes where you start to sense that nothing good is going to come of this, it would be best to cut the contact again. Some might even suggest you do that right this instant and just focus on the other person that you've been starting to spend time with, but I don't know enough of your situation to know if that's what you need to do.

 

Thanks, your right. I thought I was over him but I don't think I will ever be. I'm actually relieved that im seeing this other guy as he is something to focus on.

 

We are catching up this week so I'm just curious about his intentions. It helped to read what you wrote as your right he never cared about my feelings if he dumped me and i need to remember that.

[mike588]

Thanks, your right. I thought I was over him but I don't think I will ever be. I'm actually relieved that im seeing this other guy as he is something to focus on.

 

We are catching up this week so I'm just curious about his intentions. It helped to read what you wrote as your right he never cared about my feelings if he dumped me and i need to remember that.

 

Please...please for the other guys sake don't 'use him" to get over your ex since you still have feelings for him. I just went thru a rebound relationship ..(she went back to her ex)....got dumped and was a wreck!!

 

Go slow in the new relationship...you say.. I thought I was over him..but don't think I'll ever be..My ex. told me the same thing. A disaster waiting to happen!! Make sure your 100% over the ex. before getting serious with the new guy!

[Buttercup84]

Please read my threads , my ex wanted me back after 7 months , and then took it all back . Now im dealing with that .please be careful .

[Frank13]

I agree with Exit and Buttercup. I think once you realized you still had feelings the texting should have stopped and NC started again.

 

I keep seeing lots of posts from members who felt completely over their ex so broke NC but then the feelings came back.

 

I don't think there is a formula to know when it is okay to break NC. It would be nice if there was, for example, stay NC for three times longer than the time it took you to feel completely over them, (6 months to get over them so stay NC for 18 months), but there isn't. Some people never get over their ex.

 

I don't think meeting up with him is a good idea. I think he just was feeling lonely or wanted an ego boost so contacted you. If he can do without you for 11 months and all he wants to do is catch up (instead of wanting you back), while you still have feelings, I don't think there is anything to be gained from meeting.

[Kamila]

Lots of reasons can be the reason why he's contacting you:

He misses your presence, comfort of talking to you since you share a history, but that is all purely platonic.

He misses more, he wants to go back to the relationship because there is an emptiness in his life that needs to be filled,

he doesn't have a new girl, or if he had, it did not work out.

The only one that can answer that question is your ex, why isn't he giving you more explanation ? Because he doesn't know himself ? He just wants to have a good time with you ?

 

Maybe you could list the pros and cons of dating your ex, what common goals do you share, what kind of future do you see with him, is it something you want ?

 

My ex-bf also contacted me on multiple attempts, I never really knew why he did what he did. I knew he felt lonely and needed the affection.

But was that a sane thing to give into ? Even if you know that there's no future in the relationship ?

But deep-down I knew I couldn't trust my ex, he gave me reasons for that. He went behind my back. And he confessed it with a tone of arrogance.

It was disgusting and hurtful at the same time. The trust was gone in an instant.

 

If you don't want to meet up with your ex, that's okay.

If you don't want the pain level to go up again, it's okay for you to ignore him.

If he gets frustrated and thinks he you're a cold-hearted girl for not giving the frienship a chance, that's okay.

You got hurt and you need this time for you. He had his chance, he blew it, let him deal with the wreckage.

 

If he really wanted to commit to you, he would do more than just texting.

And don't forget that he dumped you 11 months ago, he's capable of doing it again, and you'll be in a much worser state.

 

Give the new relationship with your new man a chance. Don't let the ghost of your ex ruin it for you.

Just accept you'll still have feelings for your ex, but that it didn't work out.

 

Also, it's just my opinion, it's possible that the second chance you would give your ex could be positive in the long-run.

But what do I know ? Only you can judge and take that risk.

 

Good luck.

[Dark Phoenix]

Please read my threads , my ex wanted me back after 7 months , and then took it all back . Now im dealing with that .please be careful .

 

Buttercup, your ex is in GIGS. He did not want you back. His email was self talk. You read it from your point of view, read it from his. He's talking to himself and apologizing. I got the same thing from my ex. You have to take yourself out of the situation, put yourself in your ex's shoes and talk to read the email to yourself.

 

Thanks, your right. I thought I was over him but I don't think I will ever be. I'm actually relieved that im seeing this other guy as he is something to focus on.

 

We are catching up this week so I'm just curious about his intentions. It helped to read what you wrote as your right he never cared about my feelings if he dumped me and i need to remember that.

 

You are honest with yourself. There's nothing wrong with what you are doing because of this. Unlike Mike's situation, yours is different. You tell yourself, you will never be over your ex, which is the truth. You won't because you honestly love him. You are emotionally honest with yourself.

 

What I underlined is a bold face lie that people on this forum need to get over. You have to look at his actions. If your ex never cared, he would NEVER contact you and try to catch up. If you're up for it, meet up with him.

Edited January 23, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[lalalandman]

Ughhh I'm starting to realize the real troll here....

 

nothappyjan, you can and WILL move on and get past him. You won't ever forget him, but the feelings will pass. You're strong. Have some trust in yourself.

[nothappyjan]

well tomorrow when we meet up, I'll let you know how it went. Im assuming he just wants to see how I am and be friends again and I feel like by facing him I might feel more confident about moving forward.

 

Haha i'm actually more excited about updating this thread for you guys!

 

Plus The next day I have an awesome date planned with the new boy that I am really looking forward too.

[veggirl]

well tomorrow when we meet up, I'll let you know how it went. Im assuming he just wants to see how I am and be friends again and I feel like by facing him I might feel more confident about moving forward.

 

Haha i'm actually more excited about updating this thread for you guys!

 

Plus The next day I have an awesome date planned with the new boy that I am really looking forward too.

 

Er, you are going from a date with your ex straight to a date with the new guy? Does the new guy know about this?

 

And honestly if you are all about new guy why would you WANT to see your ex?! If you have feelings for you ex, seeing him is NOT going to make you more confident in moving forward.

 

I don't think this is going to end well. And I kinda feel bad for the new guy.

[M2155]

There are a lot of comments on this board about making sure you get over your ex before getting involved with someone new. I totally agree with that 1000%, trust me. But I have also experienced someone coming back after you get over them and unexpectedly stirring up feelings in you, it's hard to predict..and that is the risk. The memories are always there, you just have to really decipher if it's just memories or if there are legit non-temporary feelings (in which case you know you still have some "getting over him/her" to do). When I know, not think, but know I am over an ex, I don't mind seeing them (although not often is the meeting intentional). It's a good test and a good feeling to feel that "so over you" you feel in their presence (but it's usually always been after I've done my hurting, reflection and I'm happily into the next relationship). I don't think the OP is at that point however, as she states she's not even sure it's a good idea.

[nothappyjan]

There are a lot of comments on this board about making sure you get over your ex before getting involved with someone new. I totally agree with that 1000%, trust me. But I have also experienced someone coming back after you get over them and unexpectedly stirring up feelings in you, it's hard to predict..and that is the risk. The memories are always there, you just have to really decipher if it's just memories or if there are legit non-temporary feelings (in which case you know you still have some "getting over him/her" to do). When I know, not think, but know I am over an ex, I don't mind seeing them (although not often is the meeting intentional). It's a good test and a good feeling to feel that "so over you" you feel in their presence (but it's usually always been after I've done my hurting, reflection and I'm happily into the next relationship). I don't think the OP is at that point however, as she states she's not even sure it's a good idea.

 

Just to confirm, new guy and I are not exclusive or anything. He could be out meeting with 4 ex gfs today for all I know. Once I'm exclusive i'm all in but right now there's no harm with catching up with someone i used to date for a friendly outing in public.

 

Also I feel like I was being held back by almost a phobia of my ex and I always worried about running into him etc. I feel like if I get through today I have faced my last hurdle. I know that I will always have an emotional connection as he was my first EVERYTHING but I don't want to go back in time to something that didn't work or make either of us happy. This is just a catch-up and a farewell of sorts. Our breakup was messy and unresolved and I think I need this

[Sugarkane]

Please keep your wits about you. I had an ex do this and we had arranged to meet up. Well the day came and then he stood me up with an extremely lame excuse. Then he texted me insults calling ME the nutjob! And alot more. I was like who the hell do you think you are? So I deleted that Ahole completely. I never want to talk to that jerk ever again.

[Sugarkane]

I wouldn't give this guy a second chance now, even if he begged and paid me.

[nothappyjan]

Ok so we met up, it was fine we were both pleasant. It felt like just a meet up with an old friend there was NO spark or feelings on my end what so ever.

 

It was such a good feeling to realise that I was so over him and that I couldnt never go back to that situation. He was exactly the same and straight away I remembered all of the reasons why we didnt work the first time.

 

I actually felt so good when I left, its like the last bit of hold he had on my heart has disappeared. I normally wouldnt ever encourage someone to catch up with an ex but in my case it actually helped.

 

I feel so ready to move on now! Life is good