xxch Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. Said he wanted freedom but I wasn't the one suffocating him. That we needed to date others to see if we really are meant for each other. Of course I was devastated. I begged for awhile and then I just went NC. I found out he was dating someone he was working with not long after we broke up. I joined the gym.After about two months, I finally mentally gave up on the idea of reconciliation. I was healing. I hung out with my friends and I started to really move on. I met someone, but it's complicated because I don't want a serious relationship and neither does he. Anyways tHe ex wished me a happy new year and I took it as an opportunity to meet up so I can get my belongings back. He then tells me how much he misses me and loves me. And how that girl is not me. He asked if I was intimate with this new guy and I was honest and said yes. He went ballistic! We were both each other firsts. He was so hurt. He cried and cried. This is the guy I have never really seen cry in the 5 years I have been with him besides two drops of tears on several occasions. Well I gave him a few days to sit on it and I asked him if he could get over it. I told him he had put us here and had it been my choice we would have been together this whole time. He said yes and that he needed several days to break things off with the other girl. Then when it was time to get back together he came over to my house and had a freak out. He apologized saying he cant get back with me because he can't stop imagining me and this other guy hooking up. He told me he needs time and he wont say goodbye for good. He just needs to time to get over it. I gave him about a week and I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too but he's over 'us' and we both need to move on and thats its over. He says the connection is lost. I asked how could the connection be lost when we havent even really seen each other but twice since the break up. We haven't even got to really talk. He broke my heart all over again. He started talking to that other girl again. It makes me so angry that I'm so willing to forgive him for dumping me and he can't even try for me. But now I feel like its officially over. Doesn't seem like there is any second chance now. He told me during our break up he held back from completely moving on, but now he's going to really try.
BoredAgain Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 I suspect that this isn't the last you'll be hearing from this guy. He seems profoundly confused about his feelings. He breaks up with you to pursue this other girl, then he changes his mind a few months later, then he changes his mind again... he clearly doesn't know what he wants. You write, "he cant get back with me because he can't stop imagining me and this other guy hooking up." But obviously that is HIS OWN DAMN FAULT. He was the one that broke up with you, so he broke the obligation of monogamy. Or did he expect you to remain faithful just in case he decided to come back? Does he think it's fair the he can fool around with this new girl while you're not allowed to pursue other relationships? He's either extremely self-centered or (more likely in my opinon) he is grasping at straws to explain his own confusion. If he really wanted to try again, he'd find a way to get over it. So, yeah, continue moving on. And if he changes his mind and wants another second chance, I urge you to be skeptical.
Author xxch Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 Thank you for your reply. It's tough. I wish he had just left me alone. Never mentioned about missing me and making a mistake because I was doing so much better. It almost feels like I'm back at square one. But then again when he wanted to get back together a huge part of me was so hesitant. I wasn't ready to get back together. I was having my own fun being single. It just isn't meant to be.
Exit Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 He did create the situation that allowed you to be with someone else, there is no doubt about that. Aside from that fact, if he is telling you he just can't see himself getting over it, well really, it's probably for the best. There are countless stories of people who have tried to get past that type of thing before but if it drives you crazy thinking about the person having been with someone else, it is nearly impossible to make that go away. It just leads to resentment and a whole lot of other ugliness. Again you aren't responsible for creating any of this situation. But I'm just saying try to look at it in a slightly different light, he could have just as easily lied to you and said he was ready to try and work through it, and then just keep torturing himself (and you) with not being able to forget about it. He realized it was going to be too hard for him and he changed his mind. I agree with BoredAgain somewhat, after a period of time he may end up contacting you again, but he may not. I'm sorry that he came around and opened up the old wounds for you again, and I know it's impossible to just pretend it didn't happen and go about your business, but that's pretty much what you have to attempt to do. You said yourself you weren't really ready for this and you were having fun minding your own business, so just do your best to get back to that.
Author xxch Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 It's just so irritating. I have never felt any ill feelings towards him. Even after he broke up with me I would tell my friends that he was good to me and is a good person. Even after I found out that he was dating someone else I was hurt but I wasn't angry. But now after this, the fact that he can't even try for me makes me harbor all this anger and resentment. I kept telling him all he needs to do is take one step and I'll carry him the rest of the way and he won't even make that step. He keeps comparing us to Ross and Rachel from Friends lol and I hate having to be Ross. He says we could be friends for now and if we are to get back together it wouldn't be until the far future because his feelings just aren't there anymore. This is the same guy that told me he couldn't see being with me until the next 1-2 years when we first broke up. It's just so damn aggravating! The fact that he went running back to the girl he was dating makes me so mad as well. Didn't he just say that she wasn't me? He said they were perfect on paper when it came down to common interests and what not but in the end she just wasn't me. I just don't know where I stand now. It's like we're playing tug-o-war. When he wants to be away from me, I fight and when he decides he wants to get back together, I'm hesitant.
leoc1973 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 xxch, Don't try to over analyze this. This guy is full of crap. I am going to tell you exactly what happened. He seen you had been with someone new and he panicked though he was losing you for good so he came back to get you. His plan was to dump this other girl and she would beg and cry(just like you did) and meanwhile he could go back and forth for a while to see who he wanted to be with. But this other girl was strong and probably told him to get lost. So he again panicked knowing he couldn't keep his teeth in her but knows he can come back to you whenever he wants he decided to stay with her(for now) to see. Are you seeing this new guy still? This guy will come back again I guarantee it especially when he sees that you aren't waiting around. He will come back make sure you are still there and take off again. Over and over. Why because you showed him he can. Don't try to psychoanalyze this and try to get inside this guys head. This is all about him being selfish and wanting what he can't have. And that sleeping with another guy stuff is the biggest bag of **** that I ever heard. Its an escuse and nothing more so don't you dare let him make you feel like you did something wrong. You go out have a good time date multiple men(be safe) and sew your oats while you have a chance. This guy will be back I guarantee. Play his same games with his head till he makes his mind up. Go online and read about push pull techniques cause they work great with guys.
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