Mittens Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 ...and she is probably now going around badmouthing me. So what should I do? Background: This girl was friends with my now fiancé before I came along. At one time they socialised together alot. My fiancé is bi and she spent ages telling him that he was 'really gay'. I think she was surprised when he got together with me, and not happy that he was no longer as available to her. The very first time I met her, at my fiancé's birthday party, she turned up extremely drunk, cornered me and proceeded to verbally lay into my fiance. I was very shocked, this was the first ever conversation we had and she felt the need to do that? I wasn't too happy about it - in fact after the party I was very upset. None of what she had said was true about him and I just couldn't understand her motivation. I decided that I didn't really want to have much to do with her...but I've never stopped my fiancé from spending time with her. Totally up to him. She whined to my fiancé about why I wouldn't add her on facebook...so like an idiot I ignored my feelings/instinct and added her. In the last two weeks I had a miscarriage. I've been pretty emotional and upset about it. Friends who know have been great, sending me support both publicly on Facebook and through texts, messages etc. I didn't hear anything from her. Today she posted something that really irritated me - usually I wouldn't have seen it, but my fiancé commented on it. And then I made a really stupid mistake...I posted a status that made a comment about it that wasn't nice. I freely admit that I shouldn't have made it public, just vented in private...of course a mutual friend pulled me up on it, asking why I had this girl on facebook if I so obviously didn't like her. I didn't go into details, told the mutual friend I had made a mistake, and I didn't want to discuss it in public. I then deleted my post and this 'friend'. Fiancé has now told me that she is now milking my ill-advised status to the max on her Facebook. And getting some of our mutual friends involved, and is now talking trash about me to them. I know what I did was stupid, but I don't regret what I said...but how should I deal with our mutual friends? Should I say that we weren't really friends in the first place and I shouldn't have added her? These are people that I only see in 'real' life about 3 times a year... I'm beginning to feel I need to have a break from Facebook until I'm not as upset.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 First, I'm sorry for your loss. That's never easy. As for how to deal with this "friend": she sounds like she's inherently drama, and your mutual friends (if they are REALLY your friends) know this. No need to address it with them. Be the bigger person, and avoid airing your dirty laundry on FB. The more she airs hers, the better you'll look. Easier said than done during an emotional time, I know. But in the long run, you'll come out on top. Once you're feeling more level-headed, I'd broach the subject with your fiance re: why he's friends with her, and perhaps suggest some separation between them if she cannot respect you. He should oblige.
Author Mittens Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 Thanks Star Gazer. I'm so mad at myself...usually I'd just ignore her but today I didn't. And I was pretty nasty about her - I called her a 'fag hag'...she posted awhile ago that she didn't mind being called that. Obviously the friend who called me out on it didn't waste any time telling her what I said...I really could give myself a slap at the moment. Everyone is going to feel sorry for her and I'm the bad guy... I don't know why I'm so bothered by all this. I keep reminding myself 'Facebook isn't real' - I've got over 200 'friends' on there, but I'd say only about 5 or 6 of them are what I'd call 'real' friends. The others (and these are the ones we have as mutual) are people that I do like, but I don't see them very often. Tbh, I really wish he wasn't, and can't understand why, my fiance is still friends with her. She's treated him pretty badly in the past - he's always telling me about the stuff she has done. If any of my friends had acted the way she did the first time we met...well, they would no longer be a friend of mine.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 If today's nastiness is an anomaly for you, then I'm sure it came across as such and piqued some interest in your friends re: what could have bothered you so much to make you post something like that. If she's as horrid as she sounds, I'm sure others dislike her as well and would understand your reaction. "Fag hag" in my circle isn't a derogatory term at all, if that makes you feel better.
Author Mittens Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 "Fag hag" in my circle isn't a derogatory term at all, if that makes you feel better. Thanks again, it does! Funny thing is, she's always boasting about how many gay men (never women) friends she has and how much better gay men are than straight men (which also riles me). Of course now she's been posting 'someone nasty called me a faghag because I have gay male friends'... so now because I said it, I'm nasty. But it's okay for her gay male friends to call her that. *sigh* I should have just quietly deleted her. I've made myself look a complete cow now...and given her the ammunition to shoot me down.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Thanks again, it does! Funny thing is, she's always boasting about how many gay men (never women) friends she has and how much better gay men are than straight men (which also riles me). Of course now she's been posting 'someone nasty called me a faghag because I have gay male friends'... so now because I said it, I'm nasty. But it's okay for her gay male friends to call her that. If she was on my friends list, and I saw a status that said that, I would have responded: "So, the name fits, right? What's the problem?" I should have just quietly deleted her. I've made myself look a complete cow now...and given her the ammunition to shoot me down. Really, I don't think you look like a complete cow. Like I said, if this nastiness of yours today (and again, I don't think calling her a fag hag was all that horrible) is a rare occurrence, then it's unlikely that you made yourself look all that bad.
MillyRad Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Gosh, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I'm also sorry you're having to deal with all of this drama queenery. It sounds like you kind of got ambushed. I don't know if your ex-friend is passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive, in either case people like that enjoy pushing the living hell out of your buttons and then when you finally react, they jump all over you. For passive-aggressive folks, it's their chance to say, "Look how mean she is!" and aggressive people get to say, "It's on now, b!#*h!" I went through a similar situation with a friend last year. He and his new girlfriend set out on a MillyRad button-pushing campaign. It worked for months before I understood what was going on. I was struggling with depression and problems with my special needs child. Their behavior was really upsetting to me and when I asked what I'd done to make them angry, I got vague non-answers or told it was my fault. As long as I seemed sad, they were as happy as pigs in mud. Anyway, long story short, one day when I was feeling especially vulnerable, I felt pushed too far and I basically called the girlfriend a jackass. Not a shining moment for me. I'm a quiet and gentle-natured person, so instead of feeling any kind of satisfaction from calling someone out whose behavior was, in fact, jackassy, I felt guilty for saying something mean, worried that our mutual friends would think badly of me, and also angry at myself for letting my buttons get mashed. Ugh. Just try not to worry. The people who know you and care about you won't think less of you for losing your patience with someone who clearly didn't deserve it in the first place.
Author Mittens Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Thanks MillyRad I'm sorry you went through what you did - some people just seem to get a kick out of provoking someone when they are down. It takes the patience of a saint not to rise to the bait, I think. This ex-friend hadn't done anything to provoke me...I just plain don't like her, and should have never had her on Facebook in the first place. Even if it hadn't been for what she had said about my fiancé, I don't like a lot of her views. Unfortunately I let my anger get the best of me and lashed out. On the positive side, none of our mutual friends have deleted me from Facebook, or said anything to me. I spoke to my fiancé tonight (we are LDR at the moment). He says he is only keeping her as a 'friend' because he doesn't want to deal with the inevitable fallout if he does drop her. He says he has no plans to meet up with her... I told him that I thought him staying in touch with her at all was insane, and anyone who could talk about him like she did to me was no friend. So he's going to keep his distance...but he's not defriending her. I got the whole 'you can't tell me who to be friends with' line. I told him that I thought he was being stupid and a martyr by being 'friends' with someone he has admitted he doesn't even like, and in the future if he wanted to complain about her, not to come to me because I don't even want to hear her name.
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