Ladies, if you don't like the guy you date, why would you keep meeting him?

January 22, 2012

Ok, so, I have posted threads about my recent date and am here again to seek for more advice. Let me break it down for you in a nutshell.

1) I am in my early 30's. Male and she is mid 20's.

2) We met thru this volunteering organization I created two months ago.

3) I find her funny, attractive and so asked her out. She said yes.

4) A first date was in the first week of December. It went well.

5) Since the, we have been dating (we even spent New Year Eve together) at least once a week.

6) She always follows thru. When she misses my call, she calls back. When texting, we add more to keep the conversation flowing.

7) And we haven't had sex, yet. And I have no problem waiting coz I think she is worth it.

Now, the problem I had was that she would never initiate contact. No even "Hey, good morning, how are you?.

And this put me under the impression that she is not interested in me. So, last weekend, I just flat out told her, in order not to get strung along anymore, if that is what was happening, that "Hey, I like you and I would like to continue to see you. However, the fact that you've never initiate contact me makes me think that the interest level is different. So..I wonder what you think of it" to which she said "Ah...I should put in more effort..I am sorry.. but I do like you to and I also like to continue to see you.."

So, I thought we WERE on the same page. but nothing changes. She does not contact me first before I did.

The night we had "the talk", she, our mutual friend and I were hanging out and went back to our town all together. The mutual friend knows that we are dating. There, when I was trying to kiss her good night, she sorta rejected me saying "Ah.. sorry.. no..I feel awkward " So it took me by surprise a bit because when we were together she had not problems with PDA. So I asked her "Ok.. so no PDA, then" and she said "No.. sorry"

I felt very awkward that night.

Next day, she and I were texting and she apologized for being "weird" last night. And since I thought she was just a shy person, I said I understand where she was coming from. I thought maybe she was shy to express her feelings in front of our friends. And that was our very first time to be in front of someone that we both know.

Then, past a couple days ago, we went on a date. We were eating and suddenly she said that "soup" always makes her sleepy (we were eating some soupy noodles), so after eating, I took her back to her place. I wasn't really happy to be honest because, I thought we settled our issue of the mutual interest level and the first date after the talk was nothing but short and mundane. On top of that, since she is uncomfortable with PDA, I did not make an attempt to hold her hand or what not.

And yet, when we reached the building she lives in. I sorta stood at the entrance to say goodbye. I thought people were filtering in and out of the building so I should not embarrass her by giving a peck on the cheek or anything equivalent. So while I was distancing myself from her like 5 steps from her.. she actually was walking toward me while saying good bye with a smile in her face as if she wanted a hug or anything equivalent. I did not want to come off completely obtuse, I ended up giving her a hug and saying good bye.

And since then, we've been texting and what not, but I feel like something is off. Surely, I like her.. and find attractive. But it feels like she isn't.

Maybe this is because she is not just good at expressing her feelings .. or maybe she is just a shy person. I feel like she's been stringing me along.. and yet, she and I had "the talk" about a week ago and she said she is on the same page with me.

So, now I am really confused. I think I should give myself a benefit of doubt at least couple more weeks.. or should I just confront her again?

She and I are both taking a 4 day vacation separately, so we won't be seeing each other until next week. I feel like I really need to stop contacting her.. and see how she reacts. As she said, if she really likes me.. as she said, she would put in more effort.. right??

I am at a loss. I need some advice. Thank you very much, people.

January 22, 2012

Talk to her again after your vacation. Tell her everything you wrote here. With the PDA thing, I'm guessing she just doesn't feel comfortable kissing you in front of mutual friends, especially when you're in a group of three. She's probably afraid of making the friend feel like a third wheel. But if she's walking toward you, looking like she wants a kiss, give her a kiss! You just gotta read her body language.

But anyway, another conversation is in order.

January 22, 2012

You had "the talk" a week ago and at that point you believed you were on the same page.

I'm confused about what has changed since before the talk or at the time of the talk to NOW that now makes you think she's stringing you along?

January 22, 2012

ah..thanks for your swift reply. but is it really necessary for us to have "the talk"? I don't want to come off clingy or needy by..you know...trying to put a label on something. We are still dating and getting to know each other. Two attempts to settle the same issue in two weeks.. doesn't it look a bit overreaching to you?

January 22, 2012

You had "the talk" a week ago and at that point you believed you were on the same page.

I'm confused about what has changed since before the talk or at the time of the talk to NOW that now makes you think she's stringing you along?

Thanks for your reply, SG. Nothing has really changed since the talk. and that's what makes me feel like she Is actually stringing me along. I don't see any effort put in on her side....

and yes, one week is too early to tell if someone has changed or not..maybe I am in a rush..I anticipated her to show some change. Not something spectacular or magnificent. but a single text would have been nice though.

January 22, 2012

Thanks for your reply, SG. Nothing has really changed since the talk. and that's what makes me feel like she Is actually stringing me along. I don't see any effort put in on her side....

The talk was, "I want to make sure you're interested." Her response to you was that she was. Her behavior hasn't changed since before the talk. "The talk" never really amps up anything... it merely solidifies it, so that you're in a known/articulated agreement, which you already had.

and yes, one week is too early to tell if someone has changed or not..maybe I am in a rush..I anticipated her to show some change. Not something spectacular or magnificent. but a single text would have been nice though.

That's another thing... You said she doesn't contact you before you do. It's very possible that you're not even giving her a chance to reach out/contact you first, or even miss you, because you're constantly contacting her. Everyone has different relationship needs, and she simply might not NEED to reach out to you as often as you feel compelled to reach out to you.

I would suggest backing off... as in, don't contact her for an extended period - like wait twice or three times as long as you normally would before contacting her. See if she makes a move at that point.

January 22, 2012

Have you ever been in a relationship before?

If you have, then you will be able to gauge how your current compares to your previous...

I had a girlfriend that was kinda like that. She wouldn't call me or contact me with initiative very often. I felt she took me for granted. She wasn't particularly supportive. The relationship was much more work from my side than hers.

And although that was true, through time, I also learned that she was just like that. She was a taker, and was more into her work and school than relationships or romance. In other words, any other guy she dated, she would have treated more or less the same.

The other possibility is that she is not really emotionally or physically attracted to you. A lot of women really feel like they need to 'feel' it with you to give you their all. If you don't, they usually won't date you at all. But I have seen instances where women will date guys they weren't that into. And they act like this girl is treating you. A friend of mine dated a guy for four years and never called him her boyfriend ever. She never held hands with him or kissed him in public, etc.

How much into her are you?

Honestly, if you are not exclusive or emotionally invested, then I'd keep looking for other women.

Attraction and fun and wit are good characteristics in a mate, but someone that treats you well trumps all that sh@t.

Trust me on that. First hand experience

January 22, 2012

I was guilty of acting this way in a past relationship. He was always the one who contacted me. I enjoyed the relationship, but honestly, I think after crap I had been through with other men it was me totally pulling back because I was tired of being insecure about whether guys I had been dating had been interested in me. So I let this guy initiate all contact, all the time. I don't know if he had a problem with it, because he never told me he did, but it was a conscious move on my part, which I read as him proving he was interested in me.

I felt the same about PDA too. I didn't mind in front of strangers, but in front of friends and family I didn't enjoy it. In retrospect I think part of it was that I didn't feel comfortable with him though, since with the bf after I didn't care who saw us kiss.

January 22, 2012

I was guilty of acting this way in a past relationship. He was always the one who contacted me. I enjoyed the relationship, but honestly, I think after crap I had been through with other men it was me totally pulling back because I was tired of being insecure about whether guys I had been dating had been interested in me. So I let this guy initiate all contact, all the time. I don't know if he had a problem with it, because he never told me he did, but it was a conscious move on my part, which I read as him proving he was interested in me.

I felt the same about PDA too. I didn't mind in front of strangers, but in front of friends and family I didn't enjoy it. In retrospect I think part of it was that I didn't feel comfortable with him though, since with the bf after I didn't care who saw us kiss.

That's different. That's game playing. OP has already said he had the 'talk' with her (and he's the MAN for doing that) and laid all of his chips on the table. So she knows his half of the commitment is there.

January 22, 2012

Thanks for your input, J. Yes, I have been relationships before and this is the very first time happening to me. I've never met anyone like this before and this is why I am confused.

How much is she into me, you ask? That, I don't know honestly. But, I think genuinely she is a nice person and I confronted her a week ago by just laying it all out there and there I had my own answer. If what she said (she likes me as well and she would like to see me more and get to know me better) was untrue, then she was lying.

When confronting her I even said to her "I think I've reached the point where I need to decide to continue to invest my time and energy in this. And I would like to see you. Otherwise, that being said if our interest level is different, we should stop seeing each other coz it is waste of our valuable time and energy".. so, yes I was that straightforward and she said she was on the same page.

I think it is not such a bad idea to give her a benefit of doubt. Some encourage me to disconnect all the contact with her to test the water. To me, this is to play games. And in my previous relationships, I played hard to get. Major back fire-

Still, I am a bit torn. Maybe this 4 day weekend is a good opportunity for me to evaluate the whole thing. Thanks anyways

January 22, 2012

I think it is not such a bad idea to give her a benefit of doubt. Some encourage me to disconnect all the contact with her to test the water. To me, this is to play games. And in my previous relationships, I played hard to get. Major back fire-

Playing games is acting or not acting a certain way to get the upper hand and have control over how the relationship progresses and the other person's feelings.

That's not at all what I am suggesting when I say back off to see how she'll respond. Rather, backing off will simply tell you whether or not she's going to be able to meet your stated and clear needs of having her make an effort and reach out and contact you. If she doesn't, you'll know all you need to know.

January 22, 2012

I was guilty of acting this way in a past relationship. He was always the one who contacted me. I enjoyed the relationship, but honestly, I think after crap I had been through with other men it was me totally pulling back because I was tired of being insecure about whether guys I had been dating had been interested in me. So I let this guy initiate all contact, all the time. I don't know if he had a problem with it, because he never told me he did, but it was a conscious move on my part, which I read as him proving he was interested in me.

I felt the same about PDA too. I didn't mind in front of strangers, but in front of friends and family I didn't enjoy it. In retrospect I think part of it was that I didn't feel comfortable with him though, since with the bf after I didn't care who saw us kiss.

Thanks for sharing. Well, I guess you are (at least used to be) a shy person, but the fact that you think you weren't really comfortable with the guy you were reluctant to kiss in public means that maybe the girl I am dating feel uncomfortable with me. Well, I guess if that is true then, I just need to suck it up and move on. I just wish when confronted last weekend, she had told me the truth.. or she already did.. and it is just me being all confused.

January 22, 2012

Thanks for sharing. Well, I guess you are (at least used to be) a shy person, but the fact that you think you weren't really comfortable with the guy you were reluctant to kiss in public means that maybe the girl I am dating feel uncomfortable with me. Well, I guess if that is true then, I just need to suck it up and move on. I just wish when confronted last weekend, she had told me the truth.. or she already did.. and it is just me being all confused.

I am kind of a shy person. Of course I'm not sure how to interpret her actions, but that was my experience. But I wouldn't say I was leading him on at the time. I did want to date him.

I've also had the experience of telling a bf that I didn't want to be strung along and him saying he would never do that to me, he liked me too much, only to disappear without a trace. Peoples' intentions are hard to figure out sometimes.

January 22, 2012

I don't think you can conclude that this girl doesn't like you. But to give you an example.

I was dating a guy that had a big issue with the phone. I talked to him about how I would appreciate if he had called me to chat once in a while. He said he would change. He called a few times and then stopped. I told him gently again. He said he would call me. Never did. The next thing I knew he broke up with me over some other issue. I didn't doubt that he did like me. He probably just didn't like me enough. But I didn't regret talking to him again about it. I woudl rather know earlier than later.

Hope it turns out well for you.

January 22, 2012

I don't think you can conclude that this girl doesn't like you. But to give you an example.

I was dating a guy that had a big issue with the phone. I talked to him about how I would appreciate if he had called me to chat once in a while. He said he would change. He called a few times and then stopped. I told him gently again. He said he would call me. Never did. The next thing I knew he broke up with me over some other issue. I didn't doubt that he did like me. He probably just didn't like me enough. But I didn't regret talking to him again about it. I woudl rather know earlier than later.

Hope it turns out well for you.

Thanks.. one thing that puzzles me about your story is .. well, isn't most guys (like myself) initiating contact? Why did he have issues with the phone, if I may ask?

January 22, 2012

Thanks.. one thing that puzzles me about your story is .. well, isn't most guys (like myself) initiating contact? Why did he have issues with the phone, if I may ask?

It was a LTR. He initiates contact mostly by emails and was quite prompt. He just doesn't like the phone. I sometimes called him and we would chat. I guess he just doesn't like to talk about this and that on the phone without any real purpose.

I believe he wasn't one of those with a family and trying to hide by not talking on the phone. I had his home phone number among other things that I knew. But it's not important anymore. What's important was that I didn't waste time on him.

January 22, 2012

My wife never initiated contact our first couple of months we dated..

I never gave it a second thought, for the same reason you mentioned in your OP about your GF following thru and always calling you back.

Those are signs of interest...

The PDa thing could be not so bad or bad, on one hand she might not be comfortable with it this early on and doesn't want to give you the impression that you have her as a GF, you must still pursue her..

In other words she is slowing you down...

The other option is that she is friend zoning you and doesn't want any physical contact as she doesn't want to lead you on..

I think it is my first opinion, she is slowing you down.. basically telling you that you still have to pursue her.

January 22, 2012

My wife never initiated contact our first couple of months we dated..
I never gave it a second thought, for the same reason you mentioned in your OP about your GF following thru and always calling you back.

Those are signs of interest...

The PDa thing could be not so bad or bad, on one hand she might not be comfortable with it this early on and doesn't want to give you the impression that you have her as a GF, you must still pursue her..
In other words she is slowing you down...

The other option is that she is friend zoning you and doesn't want any physical contact as she doesn't want to lead you on..

I think it is my first opinion, she is slowing you down.. basically telling you that you still have to pursue her.

Thanks for your advice. Well, I believe she's given me signs of interest.. and I think the fact that we had the talk and she said she is on the same page with me signifies a lot.

I don't think however, as you said, she is friend-zoning me tho. But I find myself geared toward the idea that she is slowing me down. maybe I have come off a bit aggressive. nows things start to appear a bit clear. Thanks for your input.

January 22, 2012

I think a lot of people, both men and women, are afraid to be alone. I would rather be alone than waste time with someone I didn't fancy.

January 22, 2012

Free dinners, free entertainments, and company to go on dates with on a lonely weekend.

Its all about the money, money, money.

January 23, 2012

You mention that she doesn't like PDAs and is waiting a while for sex. Fair enough, but are you two physical at all? Long kisses? Snuggling on the sofa?

How old are you both?

January 23, 2012

You mention that she doesn't like PDAs and is waiting a while for sex. Fair enough, but are you two physical at all? Long kisses? Snuggling on the sofa?
How old are you both?

Hello, Sydneysider.

Well, first off, we started to date about 5 weeks ago. So, I am not sure if you can call it "a while", considering that I am in early 30's and she is mid 20's. Meaning neither of us is NOT looking for something shortermbased..not a fling..

Are we physical at all? Well, when we do go out, we go public places e.g. cafe, restaurant, bars and what not. Two week ago, I invited her to my place. There we had longs kisses and what not. But, it was our very first time to get a bit intimate so I did not push it. She ended up staying the night.

And yeah, before I'd hold her hands, kiss her in public. But not since she turned my attempt to kiss her in front of our mutual friend last week.

Well, I guess the problem here is two fold

1) She never initiates contact since we began dating last December->I brought it up last weekend.->She said she'd put in more effort, also mentioning she likes me and would like to continue to see me and get to know me better->She hasn't began contacting first yet-> Thus, she is NOT interested?->And I do not want to bring it up again since it's been only a week

2) She is uncomfortable with PDA->I found out about this only about a week ago in the presence of our mutual friend->Before, I'd hold her and and kiss her in public.(fyi, no sex yet which I have no problem with)-> And now I feel like I am puzzled because I just did not know that she has issues->And yet she apologized for turning down my kiss in the presence of our mutual friend->And now what?

January 23, 2012

IME, if a girl has 80%+ interest level in a guy, she will make some kind of effort to contact you. I would say since you guys kind of had a talk and things have in fact gone downhill and hasn't changed for the better....maybe the best thing to do is back off and see what happens or better yet drop her.

A few years ago I dated this girl for 2-3 months. Every time I would call she would ignore my call and let it go to VM. But she would respond to texts immediately or in good time. So I thought to myself that she doesn't like talking on the phone. I had a hunch she might not have been into me, otherwise she would be okay to pick up the phone and talk to me. We would go on dates and she would agree to them. The whole time going out I made excuses for her that she was the shy type. A lot of times when you think someone is shy, that isn't necessarily the case.

Well at some point the last straw was when I made a date plan over text and she said she was busy that day, and did not counteroffer. So to cool it off, I just stopped contacting her altogether and see if she would initiate. Needless to say I never heard from her after that and I never contacted her. Zoom a few years later, I saw her a few weeks ago with her BF and she seems pretty happy.

Well lesson learned, don't make the shy excuse for any person you're dating. EVEN the shyest person will make it known they like the other person in some way or another by course of action.

January 23, 2012

Thank you, Monkey. I agree. I start to believe that no matter how shy she is, she can muster up the courage to text me and say hello, which she hasn't done.

She is taking a 4 day tour with her friend and I haven't contacted her the past 48 hours and won't do so anymore to see if you does first. I highly doubt it. If I don't hear from her again, I guess that's it. We are bound to meet each other next Sunday because we go to the same volunteering on sundays. And I don't think that she would say anything next Sunday even if things remain status quo i.e. no contact.

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Ladies, if you don't like the guy you date, why would you keep meeting him?

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