Buttercup84 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 It has been almost eight months since we broke up , and about five months N/C . On December 20th ( I remember that date because we had a thing on at the school that I work at ) I came back home late and saw an email from him . Saying that he was cleaning up and found a box of mine which had some things in it . He asked me if I was home . I just replied " Just throw it out , thank you " that was it . Last Wednsday I was sitting by myself enjoying my Sushi dinner after work and thinking how good it is that I can do what I want and have dinner out . I check my email out of boredom and see an email from him with the subject " Please read " I feel sick , just expecting him to say I owe him money or he found something else . Well it was something I never ever expected . He said he has missed me so much , felt empty since I have left and should have never ended things with me . That he was selfish for the way he acted , that he never loved anyone as much as he loves me , that no one has ever made such an impact on his life . He wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy , would do anything to have me back . We talked a bit , and he was all happy and wanting to try it out again , saying he still wants children with me , misses me so much it hurts . But he moved across the country because apparently the reminders were too much for him . We spoke on the phone a few times too .Now he is not too sure (mainly the distance ) because if we don't work out it will be bad. After me getting pissed off at him for saying all that **** then giving up , he said that he is booking in for therapy and he has depression. He has been on anti axiety meds and depression meds for year . He said he was selfish for contacting me before sorting his issues out . He also mentioned that nothing can happen before we both get better and get out issues sorted. Which is kind of true , no point in getting back together and then letting it all happen again . He did treat me poorly most of the time , but now he brought all this up and made me feel like day one again . I guess the difference is that I am not in bed crying anymore , I made an effort by putting make up on and dressing up even just to go up the street . I am starting my fitness program at the gym tomorrow and going back to college on Friday . I am almost 28 and he is almost 32 so we have to get our **** together , not farting around and " dating " . I know I want children and marriage and won't settle for someone who is unsure about me . He goes on about how beautiful , talented , funny and smart I am , so if I am so awesome he should get his **** together and make an effort before someone comes around who won't wait to make a move .
Frank13 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Wow. How terrible for him to break NC, build you up to think he wants to come back, and then go backwards on you. Why do they do this? It's like their ego is bruised so they have to prove to themselves that they can have you if they want. Once they get that validation the run away.
Exit Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Pour as much effort and focus as you can into your new fitness program. I think it is one of the best tools for coping, it requires a lot of time and attention to figure out exercise, diet, tracking your foods, tracking your progress, not to mention the free natural mood boost you get from exercising, I don't think any other coping tool like "go out with your friends" or "focus on yourself" can do quite as much as making a choice to get healthier. What you said towards the end is the most important thing of all, some day someone will come along who won't waste time with being undecided about you. Life is short. Be with someone who doesn't want to waste a single second. If you want to keep one eye open seeing if this ex is ever going to figure it out, that's up to you, but for now I would keep on moving on.
cerridwen Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 I know I want children and marriage and won't settle for someone who is unsure about me . How do you feel about him being the father of your children? What would he have to do/change to get that honor?
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 The weekend after he changed is mind all of a sudden was hard . I luckily got to see my thearpist the next day , shed some tears and we talked about it . I felt a little better but still waited for him to email me , I smsed him Monday saying how much I missed him etc , he said I miss him too and later he said " You are smothering and pressuring me " I smsed him back , meaning to be sarcastic " I am so sorry for smothering you J , when you have been through SO much , I should think less of me and more of you x " He didn't catch the sarcasm .. On the Monday I met up with a friend and we went for a long drive having fun , got home later so didn't contact him , yesterday and Tuesday were spent at the gym and working my arse off like never before . I believe that this pushed me to really do my best, I tried a spin class last night and even though I thought I was going to die in there , I kept going and didn't walk out of the class . Working out is making me feel so so much better . I am really a bloody lazy person and now I am addicted to it ! The gym is closed today so I am going to go for a run later , and when I can't go to the gym I will still work out. I am not kidding myself , I will miss him and will take a while to get over this . If he contacts me again it will set me back a little for sure . But a few months ago I would have never bounced back like this . I am not moping around and feeling sorry for myself . I am sad but not depressed . I am seeing a friend tomorrow for a movie and will make more plans with friends .
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 It's great to see you getting stronger. As you know, you shouldn't contact this person as you were abused emotionally and he is lacking any sense of emotional maturity. I hope that this helps you stay strong in not contacting him.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 How do you feel about him being the father of your children? What would he have to do/change to get that honor? I think he would love the children but he has some anger issues and we have different values when it comes to raising kids . He is happy to let them watch tv all day and play computer games , while I want them to become educated , be outside and be nice people.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 So I went to a card reading and the lady said J has new girlfriend and will end up marrying her . I feel like an idiot for feeling depressed about that , believing in freaking card reading . I emailed him a bit last night and it just reminded me of our breakup " I am sorry I hurt you " , " You need to be strong " , " I am hurting too " . I think he is playing the victim , going on about how horrible work is etc and how hard our break up was . Uhm , you broke up with me remember ? we could be living in a nice place in Sydney now , you would still have your stuff and car . You decided to end it with me again . Then practicaly you broke up with me for the third time . Third time . Funnily enough your ex before me left you three times . I wonder if it was her who did that ... He is acting cold like he did before , me chasing him etc . Why can't I find the strength to let go ? I have so many blessings in life , a wonderful supportive family , a job that I love , a place to live , my cat , so many wonderful friends who are willing to always listen and who spoil me with gifts and love .
geegirl Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 (edited) He is acting cold like he did before , me chasing him etc . Why can't I find the strength to let go ? It's not that you can't find it, you just don't want to find it and put a stop to this. You were slowly getting there before so you do have it in you to push forward but you just choose not to. You will finally have to let go if he makes the decision to completely ignore you or he runs you to the ground till you truly cannot do it anymore. Either ways, you would have been the one inflicting hurt upon yourself. Your strength will come when you decide to put yourself first. In essence, love yourself. He is not at fault anymore. The only one playing victim here is you. You are accountable for your hurts. He broke up with you 3 times, Butter. And again he has let you down. At some point you have to start focusing on reality. It's hard to see you put yourself through this, especially looking from the outside. You have to start caring soon, for no one else but yourself. I hope you stop communicating with him. History has shown that it has not helped you one bit and probably never will. Edited January 28, 2012 by geegirl
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 I really miss the affection and having someone to come home to and cuddle . I guess I still seek approval from him and see him as this amazing person which he isn't . He was my first love and we went through a lot and I am a loyal person so I find it harder to let go . Maybe too romantic for my own good . Knowing I will never see him again hurts , but I have to realize that he is able to see himself without me , he does not care where I am in life and who with . He was all sweet when he contacted me again for the first time then his true colours came through again , showing he never changed . Slowley I am feeling myself being pulled away from him .
geegirl Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) I really miss the affection and having someone to come home to and cuddle . I guess I still seek approval from him and see him as this amazing person which he isn't . He was my first love and we went through a lot and I am a loyal person so I find it harder to let go . Maybe too romantic for my own good . Knowing I will never see him again hurts , but I have to realize that he is able to see himself without me , he does not care where I am in life and who with . He was all sweet when he contacted me again for the first time then his true colours came through again , showing he never changed . Slowley I am feeling myself being pulled away from him . We all miss that. I miss that too. Somedays I crave for just a hug and I can't have it. I know what it feels like and so do many others that are either suffering through a break or have been in SingleVille long enough. But it's not a valid reason to settle. It has nothing to do with your loyalty. It has everything to do with you not loving yourself. It has everything to do with needing him to validate your value. It has everything to do with needing someone else to fulfill you. BUTTERCUP'S VERSION OF AN AMAZING PERSON = 1) Had a bit of a temper with me and other people 2) Was impatient with me 3) Loved guns and hunting 4) Family never hugged 5) Wanted to move to Brisbane three times while we were together , kept changing his mind and upsetting me 6) Would reject me a lot for Sex 7) Would have dumped me if I put on a lot of weight 8) Didn't take me out for dinner because I apparently embarressed him when I didn't finish my meal 9) Didn't like the way I did the dishes 10) Got angry if I stuffed up dinner 11) Hardly went out anymore and spent most of his time playing computer or with his friends 12) Critized me for a lot of things 13) Stopped sending me sms while we were away from eachother 14) Called me a ****ing retard when I misunderstood something once (I would have knocked his teeth out. Makes me so mad) 15) Hardly looked after me when I got sick 16) Signed up to a dating site when we were still together 17) Once got me to call the cops after the neighbours real estate agent came up when I was alone at home - because he complained about our neighbours. He said if I didn't call them I would be against him. I cried down the phone to them. 18) Had porn on his computer and pictures of naked models 19) Said he would break up with me if I broke my iphone 20) Not being there for me after my abortion 21) Taking away my engagement ring after abortion 22) Bitched about me to his friends 23) In the end refused to pick me up late at night from the station because he was tired You can romanticize all you want, but come back to this list everytime you do because you really need to start seeing this for what it is. You want so badly to be accepted by this man, that you truly believe that loyalty is what keeps you wanting someone that calls you a f***** retard? They're all sweet when they want something. Sweet does not equate to the above list. Behaviors and patterns have to be consistent. If they're not, then trust that there's no sincerity behind those words and actions. The key is loving yourself. Rather than be loyal to him, be loyal to yourself in keeping true to YOU, in that you will never allow someone to treat you this way again and that you want and deserve so much more. Edited January 30, 2012 by geegirl
Author Buttercup84 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Hi Geegirl Thank you so much again for giving me advice . I have been reading your comments and they are giving me strength x
Author Buttercup84 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 I blocked him , finally . After re-reading his emails and seeing how twisted and horrible his mind really is I got the courage.With him telling me that I am just hearing what I want to hear and ignoring the rest...after him telling me he would do anything to get me back and is not giving up, he tells me I am not listening to him and he is staying in Perth and likes it there . That is the Jeremy I know , not the kind hearted romantic he was at first and when he wanted me back . The fact that he does not see anything wrong with having a dating profile to be his friends " wing man " and all the other **** he did . My self esteem is so low that I didn't care how badly he cheated on me , I just wanted him to love me . Like I needed his approval to be a lovable person . He is manulpative and cruel .I doubt he will try and email me again but when he does , he will realize that I am not waiting for him. The night when he emailed me saying that he is staying there and I am hearing things , I broke down crying and my mum said " don't cry because of him , don't let him in your life anymore , do not give him the power " And it is true . No more crying for him . 1
geegirl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You are slowly picking yourself up. Just as you did the last time you pushed through NC. You will do it again, Butter. Sometimes it takes quite a few tumbles to finally be able to plant you next steps forward, firmly and securely. The next time he comes calling, you will know what to do and you will be able to grasp the unhealthiness of his behavior. And if you forget, just come back to your coping journal and remind yourself. It won't always be this way. You'll see.
Author Buttercup84 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 I am doing a lot better . I sometimes miss the time we had before he turned abusive . But I hardly have any fond memories anymore of him . I miss the sex and kissing , it was really great . I miss having someone to come home to and someone to wake up to . But in reality I would just be depressed , trying to get affection out of him and he would just be ignoring me while playing his computer games . I am actually looking foward to meeting other men eventually , my friend and I are going speed dating just for a laugh soon . My friend J is reccently single and excited about trying new things out and living it up , so it will be good for me too . I will be starting my diploma in childcare in July hopefully , and I am just foccusing on my career and friends now . Of course I am being realistic by knowing I will have setbacks for a while , but I am doing a lot better than before . I can't believe I wrote all those threads last year , being so depressed and thinking he was the most amazing guy . I needed that closure he gave me , by saying I was just hearing what I wanted to hear , that he wants to stay in the new state and loves it there . BIG difference from him telling me " I would give anything to be with you again " and " I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy and making up for what you went through and the time we had appart " Yeah , I was " filtering " out what I wanted to hear . Silly me ! I now know he is not right in the head , only thinking of himself and using me to ease his guilt . Well **** that . I am feeling more free and happy now , and now if I ever go through a breakup again I know I will survive it and now know how to deal with it better .
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