Venomous Phone Call!

[PoppyLove89]

Well my ex's mum and sister invited me out for a few drinks last night and somehow my ex found out...we got into a heated phone argument and apparently now I'm a 'psycho' and everything we had was fake, that he wanted out of the relationship 7 months before it ended and he was only with me because he felt bad for me. He wants 'f*** all to do with me' and i need to get over him. I said, I deleted you off facebook, deleted your number and haven't contacted you in 3 months, how am I a psycho? If I were I would have been bombarding you with messages the moment I found out you were dating an 18 year-old rebound but I haven't said a thing - kept myself to myself.

 

So our whole relationship was: boring, monotonous and fake. Who in their right mind would force themselves to stay in a relationship and go to such extremes to prove someone you love them and go out of their way to make them happy if it was all fake to you? Also, I said to him 'the only reason it was monotonous was because of your job! what makes you think it'll be any more exciting with anyone else? I'm sorry but long-term relationships can't always be adrenaline inducing!'

 

I said, why can't you just be civil? And he said because 'you need to get the message that we're over' I said, I know we're over but you can still be respectful to me as a person? Just because I'm polite doesn't mean I want you back.

 

How can dumpers become so venomous??? FML.

Edited January 21, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[TearyEyedPride]

Yeah sounds like he was kinda rude... but at the same time, hanging out with an ex's family is always a tricky situation. I wouldn't advise it even if they invited you. Sadly... sometimes breaking up with one person is breaking up with a whole family and many friends. Sorry though... sounds like that phone call sucked.

[coopster]

I said, why can't you just be civil? And he said because 'you need to get the message that we're over' I said, I know we're over but you can still be respectful to me as a person? Just because I'm polite doesn't mean I want you back.

 

How can dumpers become so venomous??? FML.

 

was he a bit possessive when you were with him?

 

i take it you got on with the family in general?... so why not go out and have fun with them? they invited you !!.. who cares what he thinks? they dont..why should you?

[PoppyLove89]

Yeah I've always got along with his family; I could see why he wants me to cut all ties, he believes I just want to stay in his life but at the end of the day, we don't talk about him and I was friends with his sister anyway. I'm not cutting a friend out just to please him. At the end of the day, he treats me like a stranger now so as far as I'm concerned that's what we are.

 

He needs to grow up and realise that just because he can dispose of people when he's done with them, doesn't mean everybody else has to. As long as I'm not contacting him (why the hell would I btw?! I have no desire to) what's the problem? His sister's got her own flat so it's not like we hang out at his place!

 

He made it sound like I was constantly hanging around his family when in actual fact I hadn't even seen them since the split and this week was the first time!

I'm not rude like him and I'm not going to just ignore people of they make the effort!

[coopster]

Yeah I've always got along with his family; I could see why he wants me to cut all ties, he believes I just want to stay in his life but at the end of the day, we don't talk about him and I was friends with his sister anyway. I'm not cutting a friend out just to please him. At the end of the day, he treats me like a stranger now so as far as I'm concerned that's what we are.

 

He needs to grow up and realise that just because he can dispose of people when he's done with them, doesn't mean everybody else has to. As long as I'm not contacting him (why the hell would I btw?! I have no desire to) what's the problem? His sister's got her own flat so it's not like we hang out at his place!

 

He made it sound like I was constantly hanging around his family when in actual fact I hadn't even seen them since the split and this week was the first time!

I'm not rude like him and I'm not going to just ignore people of they make the effort!

 

so ignore him then! but then again i`m thinking...is it worth the hassle for you?

if its gonna cause this much grief for you, maybe just walk away...from them all, then you cant be accused of anything,?

 

family always stick together , for whatever reason, but they will. being honest with you... your`ll always be the one looking in. ask yourself....do i need this?

Edited January 22, 2012 by coopster

[Exit]

Poppy I feel like you are are creating a lot of this misery for yourself from the threads you've posted recently. First you were asking about being blocked and unblocked on Twitter, then a few days ago you posted your emergency thread asking people what to do because you saw he blocked you on Facebook, now you're going out with his family members and getting "venomous" phone calls from him.

 

How badly do you really want this behavior to stop? You know what's best for you, you know if you walked away, stopped looking at the social websites, and stopped choosing to be involved with his family, all of this drama would quickly vanish from your life, but you keep on going, so that only points to one conclusion on my mind. Some part of you doesn't want it to stop.

 

Ask yourself this, if you chose to remove someone from your life, wouldn't you feel a bit violated if they kept interacting with your family? I understand that his family members were the ones who invited you out, and you could easily latch onto that bit of information to defend yourself and say this wasn't your idea, but look deeper than that. It doesn't really matter who invited who, you went.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh but I'm trying to get you to see that you need to care for yourself and stop always seeing yourself as the victim. He couldn't affect you through Twitter and Facebook if you weren't still paying attention to them, he wouldn't be calling and telling you to get it through your head that things are over if you weren't still trying to stay attached to his family. I can only sympathize with you to a certain extent with what you're going through, but at some point we all have a certain responsibility to do what is best for ourselves.

 

I think you want to continue being the victim. Look at how this thread is set up. The alarming title of the thread, you tell the story, you refer to him with things like "who in their right mind would do this or that", and then the last line you wrote is "how can dumpers become so venomous?".

 

If we turn the tables for a minute and focus on you, who in their right mind stays in touch with ex's family members and doesn't see the potential for drama? When a breakup happens, sometimes you just have to accept the collateral damage and loss of contacts that comes with it. Myself and many others won't even talk to mutual friends who were involved with our exes because we want to avoid the potential for drama, we accept that although they may have been good friends, they were too involved in the situation and it's best to keep our distance not only from our exes but these other people as well, meanwhile you're out for a night on the town with the mother and sister! Not many other people would think that remotely sounds like a good idea. I can only imagine what types of phone calls and threats I'd be getting if I went to hang out with my ex's relatives.

 

Poppy I hope you come to see that you have the power to free yourself from this whole mess. You see yourself as the victim, getting your feelings messed with through Twitter and Facebook and receiving harsh phone calls, but not only are you a victim, you are also an accomplice to all the drama that is happening, you are playing your part, perhaps subconsciously, to keep allowing these things to happen. Free yourself, you'll feel so much better.

[Sugarkane]

I'm really surprised that his family would even invite you. I mean The family/friends 9 times out of 10 take the exes side no matter what. Even if they are in The wrong. I find it difficult to understand why they would do this.

[Taramere]

I'm good friends with an old girlfriend of my brother's. That one ended pretty badly, as so many relationships do, and I trod a tricky path for a while. However, they're both fundamentally sane and reasonable people. Now, years later, my brother will occasionally ask after her but that's about it.

 

I know my sister-in-law harbours a gripe about her, though the two of them have never met, so I steer clear of that subject around her. My friend, on the other hand, is completely chilled out about the subject of my brother and sister in law.

 

If your ex boyfriend is ordinarily a reasonable person, perhaps he's just handling break up guilt very badly. A lot of people do. I'd continue being friends with his sister, but try to steer clear of any mention of him until the dust has settled over this.

[chelsea2011]

Well, blood is blood and he could feel that his family is crossing a boundary and betraying him. It's an emotionally charged situation and they should not really be hanging out with you right now. They should wait until you are both have healed and moved on to re-establish the old friendship you had before the relationship.

 

If my family hung out with an ex, I would feel betrayed too. Respect each other's right to heal.

[Philosoraptor]

Hi Poppy,

Looks like you've hurt the poor baby's feelings. I've read all of your threads, and while you are still healing, this has nothing to do with what you did. He wants to have control over your emotions and this is all about a victory for him. He wants to be the one who heals first and moves on first. He sees you doing well and it ticks him off because in his mind you have to be weaker than him for him to win. He said many mean things in order to attempt to break you down, and as long as you didn't and said what you said... you've given him no such luxary.

 

Good for you. Very proud of your strength even in a hostile and potentially painful situation.

 

Edit: Most people here do not know of your situation so I will give a quick synopsis. She has a very good relationship with her ex's mother and sister (possibly others) and from my recollection his mother invited her out at a time before. They enjoy her company and the conversation from both her ex's family and herself have nothing to do with her ex or their relationship. In this case she was not wrong to meet with them. Her ex's issues are of control and possessiveness. He wants to win and causing her pain is a victory for him as he is as emotionally mature as my toaster (even though myself and the toaster have had deep talks, it's still immature).

Edited January 23, 2012 by Philosoraptor

[PoppyLove89]

My ex isn't healing, he's in a rebound with an 18 year-old teenager (he's 24).

 

Ah well, at least they're on the same emotional maturity level. This explains why he deleted every trace of me back to August (makes it look like we've been broken-up longer).

 

It's amazing how someone who always seemed so mature and grown-up (given his career) can't even deal with a break-up in a civil manner.

 

I miss the person he used to be, not the person he is now and my Grandfather said: "He's done you a favour. Better that you've seen his true colours now."

 

Now if only I can get my heart back and stick it back together........

[chelsea2011]

Hi Poppy,

Looks like you've hurt the poor baby's feelings. I've read all of your threads, and while you are still healing, this has nothing to do with what you did. He wants to have control over your emotions and this is all about a victory for him. He wants to be the one who heals first and moves on first. He sees you doing well and it ticks him off because in his mind you have to be weaker than him for him to win. He said many mean things in order to attempt to break you down, and as long as you didn't and said what you said... you've given him no such luxary.

 

Good for you. Very proud of your strength even in a hostile and potentially painful situation.

 

Edit: Most people here do not know of your situation so I will give a quick synopsis. She has a very good relationship with her ex's mother and sister (possibly others) and from my recollection his mother invited her out at a time before. They enjoy her company and the conversation from both her ex's family and herself have nothing to do with her ex or their relationship. In this case she was not wrong to meet with them. Her ex's issues are of control and possessiveness. He wants to win and causing her pain is a victory for him as he is as emotionally mature as my toaster (even though myself and the toaster have had deep talks, it's still immature).

 

Philosoraptor, I think you give wonderful advice, but in this case I have to disagree. It doesn't really matter if there was a close friendship or not. When a break up happens, it is best to keep a distance until the dust settles. Regardless the circumstances, you risk getting a reaction like poppy did. I'm not saying one should not resume a friendship at all; I'm just saying that it's best to not cross that boundary when emotions are highly charged, no matter what side you are on.

 

Poppy, my point wasn't about him healing, it was about you. I pretty much figured, from his reaction, that he was probably seeing someone else. But, look what happened; you became the recipient of a very nasty phone call. He is in defense mode because he knows you are still hurting, so why not opt out of putting youself in a situation that is going to create this kind of backlash. You asked for opinions right? So, on some level you already knew that hanging out with his family could be sticky. Whether he is a scumbag or not is irrelevant. Hanging out with family (close friends or ot) before YOU have healed, puts you at risk of stuff like this happening to you. That's all I'm saying. It was about your protection not his.

 

In any case, it's your choice though. Good luck. Hope you find peace soon.

[PoppyLove89]

Thanks, Chelsea yeah after talking it through with my Grandmother, I've decided to keep distance from his family - it'll be hard given the friendship but I'm sure they'll understand. Maybe in the future we can be friends but right now, I can't deal with the drama and upset that comes with it all.