Sebastianthebear Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Help interpret this weird fight I had with my gf? We were going to watch a movie tonight at my house. She said she'd be here around 8:30-9. Well, at 9:05 she sends a text asking if I'd order her some food, since it takes ~40 minutes to arrive and said she'd be there in maybe 10 minutes. English is her second language, so she typically asks me to order because talking on the phone is a little difficult for her. I was on the phone when I got the message, but sent her a text that said I'll order when she gets here. She sent something back, basically, "why not order now?" but I was still on the phone and didn't want to deal with texting again, since she'd be over soon anyway. She gets to my house around 9:20 and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Did you order my food?" I said no, but we'll order it now. She scoffs, rolls her eyes, and asks, "why not?" I tell her I was busy and she gets REALLY mad, scolds and yells at me for not ordering it. Eventually she threw herself on the couch beside me and said, "Forget the whole thing. Do you want to watch the movie?" I responded that no, I'd prefer to find out what was really bothering her, because she normally doesn't react this strongly. She says "Fine," gets up and leaves, and on the way out says, "For the record, this was *all* I'm upset about. I'm going home. If I think of something else I'm upset about, I'll let you know. Otherwise, good night." I honestly do not know what just happened. Ok, I could've ordered her food… but isn't that pretty minor? After all, she was 20-50 minutes later coming over than she said she'd be, and I didn't freak out at her. I can see her getting upset that I belittled her anger toward me, but was I so far afield for thinking there was something else making her SO upset? She isn't normally so temperamental. We're adults here, both in our thirties. That felt like such a childish temper tantrum. Do I apologize to her? Let it blow over and talk tomorrow?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Sounds like she's throwing a tantrum. At least you offered to talk it out, but she's throwing a prissy fit. Are you sure she's in her thirties? Sounded like someone in their teens. The only thing I can think of isn't the fact that you forgot to order the food, it's the fact you didn't listen to her. She might've thought you deliberately ignored her.
leftfordead2 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I don't get it though, why didn't you order when she was on the way? WOuldn't it make more sense that you order while she was on the way and she would not have to wait that long for the food to arrive? Why did you have to wait till she get there?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Because she probably had a rough day and was probably pretty damn hungry, and when you didn't do it even though she let you know in advance, especially since it takes some time for the food to get there then she's going to be pissed. It was likely a chain of events that lead to you dropping the ball and kinda getting the avalanche that was built up since you were just kind of there and the person she is with. Honestly, you probably should have just ordered the damn food lol, it would have probably went much differently. However I agree she shouldn't have gotten that angry unless she felt you had done it on purpose or maybe she just feels you are incompetent type person and that aggravates her in general. The fact that she reacted to you this way at least to me shows you are a little too passive and nice in the relationship possibly, you need to put your down and tell her "No, you're not leaving...we're going to talk about this and sort this out because we're in a relationship and this is not something worth you leaving over". I wouldn't have let her leave, but that's just me. Kudos for you to offer to talk about, but you should have swung your quevos around a little bit If you were just to ask me about the general dynamic of how a man should be in a relationship, but that's just my opinion.
Orianne Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 When something bothers a woman over a period of time, sometimes she expects the guy to read her mind and know what it is. Then when the guy still doesn't get it, the woman will fly off the handle and start freaking out about everything. It doesn't matter if she said she was only mad about dinner--she may have meant she was mad about dinner at that moment, but there still could be something else. Or she could have a really bad case of PMS, especially if she recently switched birth control. (Also...if you suspect she does have PMS, don't ask her if she's getting ready to start her period. It will just make her more mad.) In any event, I'd wait a few days before bringing the matter up. And when you do, start by asking her what's wrong and be supportive. Since this event is (so far) an isolated incident, I would try to work through it in a non-agressive manner.
dizy Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 First of all, when people are hungry, they are in a bad mood and they do react very badly to small things Secondly, your gf asked you to order food and WHY COULDNT YOU JUST DO IT? i would be mad if it was me especially I am really temperamental when I am hungry. I think the issue here is that she told you she was hungry and she really wanted the food and you just ignored her. WITHOUT TELLING HER SO. you "thought" that it would make more sense to order when she gets there and just didnt bother order anything even if you knew that she was hungry and she really WANTED the food. I agree that this seems childish but most of time, the problem is the guys attitude and not the food or whatever the situation might be.
callingyouuu Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 First of all, when people are hungry, they are in a bad mood and they do react very badly to small things Secondly, your gf asked you to order food and WHY COULDNT YOU JUST DO IT? I think he said he didn't order because he was on the phone at the time, and she would be there in about 10 minutes, anyway. I think the issue here is that she told you she was hungry and she really wanted the food and you just ignored her. WITHOUT TELLING HER SO. you "thought" that it would make more sense to order when she gets there and just didnt bother order anything even if you knew that she was hungry and she really WANTED the food. This paragraph confuses me. I think he did text to let her know he thought it would be better to order in a few minutes. Also, I don't think we can quite assume that she was starving from what the OP said, although from how she reacted afterwards, it sounds like that might be the case. He may not have known it was that important to her beforehand, especially if it the communication was just through texting. I agree that this seems childish but most of time, the problem is the guys attitude and not the food or whatever the situation might be. I think your analysis of the situation is generally correct in that she probably really wanted the food and felt a bit neglected when he didn't take care of that for her. That said, I don't think it's an attitude problem. I can easily see myself equally oblivious in that situation, thinking that ten minutes wouldn't be a big deal. It's really just an unfortunate misunderstanding, in my opinion.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 Hi, to clear things up, yes, I was on the phone with my mother when my gf texted. I already made her wait so I could answer my gf's first text, and thought it was rude to hang up on her just to order my gf's food, since I probably don't talk to my mom as much as I should. I figured when the gf got here, I'd end the phone call and we'd order food. No big deal. Until I got that text, we hadn't talked about getting food last night at all. I'd already eaten. If she was starving, driving over here, why didn't she pick something up on the drive over here? Or asked way earlier instead of when she said she was driving here; how much difference does getting her food 10 minutes faster really make? Or, when I said "No" in that first text, overcome her mild discomfort talking on the phone and ordered her own dang food? Or ordered her food online and avoided talking to anyone??? Again, she's a grownup, capable woman. She's successfully kept herself fed for 36 years. She usually eats her dinner around 9-10 anyway, so it wasn't outside of her normal dinnertime yet. So no, I had no reason to think that last night she'd be particularly hungry.
salparadise Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 My ex was prone to periodic explosions over seemingly insignificant things. I hated and avoided conflict. Eventually, I found myself trying to anticipate what she might get upset over, becoming anxious and attempting to clear the path before she arrived to make sure we'd have a peaceful evening. Of course it didn't work––when she was predisposed she'd find some little something to make it about. Her anxiety and frustration would build up because she didn't have a mechanism to release, an ability to soothe herself or to identify what was making her feel out of sorts. She held me responsible for her happiness, so when she wasn't happy it meant I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain (so to speak). And since her happiness wasn't something I ever had control over anyway it was a terribly flawed strategy. I am much wiser now. Briefly, this what I learned... we both had soft boundaries. Her's were almost non-existent. I enabled her by trying to please her in ways that weren't reasonable, trying to talk her out of being upset, trying to reason with her, etc. This just fueled the pattern and confirmed to her that I WAS responsible for her feelings––because I was working so damn hard to fix them. By the time I figured all of this out (therapy) it was too late to save the relationship, but I sure as hell learned how to establish healthy boundaries in future relationships! So the takeaway as it applies to your situation is, let her own it completely. Acknowledge her feelings without trying to fix them. Tell her you're sorry she is upset and perhaps ask if a good hug would make her feel better. If that pisses her off then it's time to withdraw and let her work through it. If she continues to project her feelings onto you (saying that it's really about you not being obedient enough) then you need to assert that your body is not an extension of her mind just waiting around for instructions. Such patterns of enmeshment cannot lead to healthy relationships.
make me believe Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Wow! I don't get why people are trying to blame the OP for not dropping everything and ordering his gf food the second she demanded it. He said repeatedly in his original post that he was ON THE PHONE when he got her text telling him to order her food. Is he supposed to immediately hang up on his mother and do as his gf demands?? If she's soooo hungry that she can't wait 10 extra minutes for her food to arrive without throwing a hissy fit, maybe she should have had a snack before she left her place. Or, you know, STOPPED AND GOTTEN HER OWN FOOD like a grown up. I would be so incredibly turned off if my partner threw a fit about something like this. How ridiculous. She sounds like an overgrown teenager. I would tell her that her temper tantrum was extremely unattractive and immature. Sebastian, I don't think you did anything wrong here. Your girlfriend needs to apologize for her ridiculous behavior. It's not your job to cater to her petty moodiness.
veggirl Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Wow! I don't get why people are trying to blame the OP for not dropping everything and ordering his gf food the second she demanded it. He said repeatedly in his original post that he was ON THE PHONE when he got her text telling him to order her food. Is he supposed to immediately hang up on his mother and do as his gf demands?? If she's soooo hungry that she can't wait 10 extra minutes for her food to arrive without throwing a hissy fit, maybe she should have had a snack before she left her place. Or, you know, STOPPED AND GOTTEN HER OWN FOOD like a grown up. I would be so incredibly turned off if my partner threw a fit about something like this. How ridiculous. She sounds like an overgrown teenager. I would tell her that her temper tantrum was extremely unattractive and immature. Sebastian, I don't think you did anything wrong here. Your girlfriend needs to apologize for her ridiculous behavior. It's not your job to cater to her petty moodiness. Um, yes, ALL of this. OP, don't listen to the ones saying they would have or have reacted how your girl did. Her reaction was totally out of line and crazy. In any event, I'd wait a few days before bringing the matter up. And when you do, start by asking her what's wrong and be supportive. Since this event is (so far) an isolated incident, I would try to work through it in a non-agressive manner. WTF?? No, the girlfriend needs to apologize to HIM and explain her psycho behavior. i would be mad if it was me especially I am really temperamental when I am hungry. wow DIZY, you sound like a joy to be around. God forbid something get in between some of you posters and your food, damn!
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