MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Hi, I'm currently separated going through a divorce. We've together for 5.5yrs, married for 1.4yrs. To keep things short, I went on deployment and she cheated on me halfway through. We tried to re-conciliate but it wasn't because she wanted to, its was more out of guilt. So, I told her not to waste my time. So, she kept in contact with the OM. Its been almost 2months and I've recently started working on the paperwork, but 2weeks ago she calls me telling me that she had been kicked out of school. Well, being her husband, I was so used to comforting her so thats what I did. She was telling me she doesn't know what else to do because she has no where to go. So, I without thinking said she can come stay with me. (We've never lived together because I was stationed SD while she went to school north). Well, I thought about it recently and I'm thinking that this is a really bad idea because she is still talking to the OM. Plus, this will not help help me in anyway, but my ego keeps telling me not to go against my words. I really don't plan on any reconciliation at all. She says that we can just ignore everything for right now until she finishes school in SD and she'll be out of my life, but I'm not sure if I can just ignore her being my roommate. Also, last week I went to visit her to help her talk to the school about options and etc. I kept it smooth till towards the end of the night. I had a few beers and she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her, so I agreed. First, I kept my distance but after a few more beers she asked for a beer and a massage and eventually that lead to sex. So, I left back to SD the next day and went LC like I was then she called me 2 days later saying that I used her just for sex, when I really went there to help her out. This has got me thinking if the whole roommate thing will work out.. Any insights will be helpful..
2sunny Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I think you are on the right track. No need to keep in contact with her. Her priority is and has been her OM - let him help her figure out her problems SHE created. Stop helping her! She betrayed you! Now she wants to use you further and manipulate you with sex. None of it is good. If you can't tell - I vote he'll NO in letting her move in. That's like inviting in a tornado! Call and tell her no - so she can figure out who she can use next. She needs to WORK and support HERSELF!!!
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 I think you are on the right track. No need to keep in contact with her. Her priority is and has been her OM - let him help her figure out her problems SHE created. Stop helping her! She betrayed you! Now she wants to use you further and manipulate you with sex. None of it is good. If you can't tell - I vote he'll NO in letting her move in. That's like inviting in a tornado! Call and tell her no - so she can figure out who she can use next. She needs to WORK and support HERSELF!!! Well, I did tell her to go live with the OM, but she insists that they are just friends and nothing more. I have was pretty solid about it for a while, but she started getting all suicidal so I wasn't sure what to do so that was when I said she could come stay with me. Sometimes, I wish I could just rewind time and not pick up the phone that night.. Ugh..
2sunny Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Tell her you've changed your mind. When she's suicidal - tell her to get to the emergency room or call the police to help her - it doesn't need to be you to rescue her.
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 I wish it was that easy. She's been like that ever since we've been together. I wish I can just turn my back when she does get suicidal but I cannot bear the guilty conscience of someones death, when I knew I could have done something to prevent it.
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 Well, I just called her and told her she can no longer move in. She gave me some tears and blamed me for giving her any hope at all. She started talking all suicidal so I hung up.. I felt like the devil because she had already talked to the schools about taking classes. I feel bad for doing it, but at the same time I felt accomplished. I even had a small grin(not sure if it was evil or not). Going NC from this point, even though I know she is going to contact me sometime this week. I'm going to try and press the ignore button everytime.
jaymz Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 You have got some great advice here. please listen to it. Your lucky that you dont have children with this women and can cut her off and build a new life for yourself. It will go against your feelings to do this, you will want to be kind/supportive/helpful/etc, we all understand. She made a choice and is just using you. Accept her choice and let her go, she will learn to stand on her own two feet again but it must be something that she does for herself. Your are not responsable anymore. If you have any belongings of hers at your place just pack it all up in boxes and tell her to collect it at an agreed time. Remove all traces of her from your house and she wont have an excuse to come over. Its hard to start over again. Have a read through the many threads on here and listen to some of the posters that have gone through the same thing and have kindly come back to tell of their experinces. It does get better! Keep yourself busy, exercise, new hobbies, friends, etc are all great ways of keeping your mind busy while your heart heals. Good luck!
mark982 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 be kinda hard for her to contact you if you put a block on your phone! she knows her (fake) suicide threats will keep you hopping,ignore her.
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 I do think that the suicide treats are somewhat false and used to manipulate me, but from all my training in the military, they say we gotta take suicide pretty serious even if it seems minor. So that why I am how I am. Well, I was right she tried to contact me 3 times and left 3 voice mail. First one was nothing but suicidal words, Second was a "PLEASE, call me back", Third was kind of desparate "I'll do anything, PLEASE, I only need it for 3 months and I'll disappear from your life". Now this has got me thinking.. I wont be home at all for the come Feb. due to the military so, I figured why not but I kind of want to sit on it first.. What do you guys think?
Steen719 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Well, I did tell her to go live with the OM, but she insists that they are just friends and nothing more. If he is a friend, why can't she stay with him? Doesn't she have any family or friends who can help? Let her in and she might sleep with another M in your house while you are gone for a month? If anything, offer her some money to get home on, wherever her family is. I don't think, unless you are reconciling, that I would let her stay.
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 Ok, I am in SD, she is in Pismo beach. We were both from Fresno. OM is in Fresno, so I have no worries about that. But she said that they have stopped talking. Not sure what she trying to gain by telling me that. Maybe she is secretly planning for reconciliation or just gauging to see what its like over here. I'm kind of on the fence on this one. Not exactly sure what to do. But maybe you guys can offer some more insight.
Frank13 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Ok, I am in SD, she is in Pismo beach. We were both from Fresno. OM is in Fresno, so I have no worries about that. But she said that they have stopped talking. Not sure what she trying to gain by telling me that. I'm kind of on the fence on this one. Not exactly sure what to do. But maybe you guys can offer some more insight. She probably didn't stop talking to the guy. She is probably just telling you that so you let her live with you. That is what she is trying to gain by saying that. To kid yourself into thinking she is secretly planing to reconcile is a big mistake. As desperate as she is to live with you, do you really think she would be keeping it a secret if she wanted to reconcile? Hell, I would be more concerned if she told me that she wanted to reconcile because I would wonder if she was doing it just to have a place to live. I am with Steen719. If she only wanted to live there a week or two it would be one thing but 3 months? She could be sleeping with the OM while you are gone. Plus, after being there 3 months it will be a lot harder for her to want to move out and a lot harder for you to kick her out. Give her some money to get to her family, but only if you want. I wouldn't let her move in.
Author MR.ASIAN Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 Yes, I think you are right. My love for her has clouded my judgement. So, how do you guys think I should approach this? Just call her and tell her to kick rocks and go NC then file papers?
Steen719 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Offer to buy her a prepaid ticket for her to go home and she can pick it up at airport or bus station (non-refundable) if you want to help her.
Frank13 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Offer to buy her a prepaid ticket for her to go home and she can pick it up at airport or bus station (non-refundable) if you want to help her. I agree. That way you aren't being totally heatless (at least for your own conscience).
CarrieT Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 Offer to buy her a prepaid ticket for her to go home and she can pick it up at airport or bus station (non-refundable) if you want to help her. Great, great suggestion.
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