What role I'm suppose to play in this game. Will this develop into something more?

[KK'sLove]

Hi, I will try to keep this short. I would appreciate any response or help that you can give me. Here's the condensed story (I've posted it on longer posts if you want to read the full thing).

 

Okay, dated this guy (I'll call him E) for a few weeks, everything was great saw each other often, then he thought I told him that I loved him during sex. I didn't, big misunderstanding and we talked about it for hours but he's been gun shy to see me. Well, I call and ask him to hang out and he always says that he's busy, so about 2 weeks ago we had plans and he cancelled and I told him off. I called him a week later and we chatted, he said that he knows where to go to see me (my weekend bar) and sounded like he was going to go up there the day before because when he found out I wasn't there he was upset and wanted to know ever place I went that night. Anyway, I chatted on the phone with him last Wednesday and we talked for a hour and he wanted to know everything that was going on in my life (He was more interested then I've seen him be in a month). We didn't talk about hanging out or anything.

 

Then on Friday, he shows up there with his friend. I was completely shocked because it's been over a month since I've seen him. I honestly thought that he was never going to get over the whole "love" misunderstanding and I would never see him again. His friend drunkingly told me that they went there for me. E was very flirty and nice to me and we had a fun time together but I wanted to hang out after the bar and they were going home. I called E the next day and we talked about that night and I asked him to hang out the next night (we were going to a big city by us), he had plans. And again, he without me saying anything, told me that he came in there just to see me and told his friend that he wouldn't go anywhere else because he had to see me. Okay, so I think with those comments that he likes me but why didn't he call to hang out over the weekend.

 

Today I called him and we talked and again he mentioned how he came into see me (I told him that I was happy he did and I thought it was really nice of him) and asked me what I did over the weekend and about my new job and just wanted the details on everything. I asked him to hang out with us some night this weekend (it's my b-day) and he told me in detail all about his already scheduled plans and said that if his plans cancelled he would. He said that he would get a hold of me, I told him that means that he won't call. He's been saying that for a month and he only answers or returns my calls when I call him first and Friday was the first time I've seen him. He said that if means that if he's able to come into my town to see me that he would get a hold of me like last weekend when he just showed up. I don't get this.

 

Why would he let me know that he's interested and then again not make plans? He's committment phobic right now (just got out of a long relationship in March) but what is going on here? Does he like me or not? If I would ask him this, I know his response would be "Hello, I just drove 2 towns over to see you, so yes, I like you" but what is with the not making definate plans? My friends think that he really likes me but none of us can figure out what is going on. (By the way, I'm 99% certain that there is no one else because he voluntary tells me everywhere he goes on the weekends and who he is with) Please can someone help me figure this out and what role I'm suppose to play in this game. Is it possible for this to develop into something more? Thanks for all your help!!

[JustSoRight]

Um sounds like he doesn't want to look to interested. He's playing the game. Trying not to look too availiable, making sure you are really interested by having you be the one to call first, etc.

 

Does sound like he's interested but, you might want to back off a little. I know this is hard but try. You might be making yourself a little too availiable for him, especially if he just got out of a serious relationship. He might not be ready for another one so soon. Why don't you let him chase you for a bit?

 

By the way I think this game people play when they are dating is really lame. Why can't you just express yourself in an direct manner. It would take away alot of confusion and mixed up feelings. Don't you think?

[Bobbie]

I think this game people play when they are dating is really lame. Why can't you just express yourself in an direct manner. It would take away alot of confusion and mixed up feelings. Don't you think?

 

have you read any Eric Berne psychology eg Games People Play?

Berne said that games were a way of interacting but avoiding intimacy; unfortunately this is as far as some people get in relationships, living the same 'life scripts' over and over.

Berne defined three 'ego-states': parent, adult and child, with the most meaningful grown-up interactions being adult to adult.

[JustSoRight]

Hey thanks Bobbie. I'm gonna have to read that book. Maybe it'll help me understand the game.

[KK'sLove]

Thanks for the advice! Isn't it hard to play "hard to get"? I'm 28 and I'm mature enough to say what I think and feel and I don't get these dating "games". They are just stupid and confusing. I don't know if I can play hard to get though...I'm an attractive girl and I get hit on quite often but it takes a lot for me to be interested in a man. It's like I have to see something in them and I see it in him. (I do like the chase but after 2 months come on, it's frustrating). I want so bad to be strong and not call but my insecurities in this "relationship" always win and I make the call.

 

Is it possible that he's making sure that I'm still around and still interested in him so when he's ready for a relationship I will be there? This is what my gut tells me but I don't know if it's realistic.

 

Also, it makes me nervous that he can just show up. What if I'm talking to a guy (90% of my friends are men) and it makes me look slutty or does it make me look like I'm not going to sit around and wait for him? I see his cousin every now and then at the bar and he just stares at me and makes a phone call shortly after I get there. What's that about? I know that he calls him, because if I talk to E, he tells me that he knows I was there. I don't think that he sends him (the cousin lives 3 towns away) there to spy on me but I also don't know how to handle it, because why is he watching me all night? I feel like he's just waiting for me to do something. If fact his cousin has seen me sit next to some of my very attractive guy friends (E or the cousin don't know that they are just friends) and E does seem a little more interested.

 

Oh this whole thing is so confusing! I would of walked out of the game by now but I really like him and unfortunately it keeps me holding on. I'll tell ya, the reason women are stronger emotionally then men is because of the turment some men put us through!