Date with my ex-BF's best friend?

[RecordProducer]

Okay, the ex-BF was really a very brief, casual relationship. A little bit of a background... This was 3 years ago, precisely, at the time of my separation with my ex-husband. He was very into me at the time and immediately asked me to be his GF, we were very lovey-dovey and all, he used to call me his dream girl. However, things didn't work out because I didn't develop enough interest in him to fall in love. After 3 dates, my ex-husband decided he wanted me back - this is where the GIGS sect should have their ears raised and smell a rat! So, I broke up with the ex-BF and went back to my ex-husband (we were married at the time). Things didn't work out with the husband, I saw the BF again - and this is when I first met his best friend. A couple weeks later I moved out, but wasn't really interested in dating the BF again.

 

The ex-BF then dated another woman for almost a year and even cheated on her once with me (I had no idea he was still with her at the time). This was the second time I met his best friend. Then the ex-BF broke up with her and we saw each other one more time, totally casually. I know this sounds complicated and interesting but it's actually not that interesting. This was over a one-year span. The ex-BF and I still occasionally text 'how are you' to each other and we used to talk on the phone sometimes, but not anymore.

 

So, I saw his best friend on a dating site, with an indication that he's interested in me. I wrote him an email saying he probably didn't recognize me, I sort of dated his friend years ago, but we've met and I liked him. I also added I had no preference as to whether the ex-BF should know about this or not. I thought he'd write back "Go away, weirdo, XYZ is my best friend," but he responded favorably. He didn't know it was me, but recognized me, and basically suggested it may be better to keep this quiet for now - and I agreed. I don't need the ex-BF spazzing over this and spoiling all the fun. By the way, the ex-BF has been dating someone for the past few months.

 

I don't expect anything serious from this, but you never know. The guy is cute, my age (the ex-BF is 10 years older), and lives an hour away. The good thing is I know he's a good guy - the ex-BF and I have spent hours and hours talking and I know he wouldn't be friends with some moron. So, we'll see what happens. Ahh... I was so down today, this really cheered me up. I need a life!

 

The problem is I need to lose like 10 lbs if anything is going to happen. Of course, we'd start with a simple date, so I have time...

Edited January 21, 2012 by RecordProducer

[2sunny]

Ya know - some things are better if you just don't do them.

 

Just the mere fact "that you'd have to keep it quiet" is a clear sign that it's no good.

 

Of ALL the men to date - it doesn't need to be him!

 

Since you stated you have things YOU want to change about you - means you aren't happy with yourself. You have work to do - do that you can offer your happy, healthiest self to whoever you decide to date.

 

No need to offer yourself until you get to that place - and certainly not if it involves "secrecy".

 

I vote no...

[RecordProducer]

2sunny, you know I appreciate your concern immensely and highly regard your opinion, but this is not really subject to yay or nay. I don't owe anything to the ex-BF, we ended things years ago, he has moved on and been seeing other people. Why should I and his friend miss an opportunity to have fun or even develop something more because of a guy I casually dated and who is now happily dating someone else? If it bothers him, it will be selfish of him. It'd be him saying that he can have his new GF but his friend and I can't date each other.

 

I wouldn't keep it a secret for too long: only if it's a few dates and nothing more. If we hit it off, we'll find a way to tell him. Although I don't think it'll go much beyond a casual relationship (if at all), I'd enjoy the company of the other folks from their circle, including the ex-BF. They're all fun and smart people. Considering my obligations and the distance, I wouldn't be able to do it more than once a week anyway.

 

I actually always liked his friend better than the ex-BF.

[ditzchic]

Well it seems as though you already made up your mind but I'm just gonna say, if it were me.... A guy that would date his best friends ex and suggest that it be kept secret for awhile... is not the kind of guy I want to date.

 

It would be different if he said "Hey I'm interested but let me make sure things are cool with my bestie first". But the fact that he wants to hide it seems like he knows that he might be betraying his best friend. Any guy that puts some random girl who he's met twice and hasn't even seen in two years above his very best friend seems like a pretty shady character. Of course if you just want to use him as a f*ck stick for a bit, do your thing but there is no way I would consider that kind of guy boyfriend material.

[eleanorhurting]

Well it seems as though you already made up your mind but I'm just gonna say, if it were me.... A guy that would date his best friends ex and suggest that it be kept secret for awhile... is not the kind of guy I want to date.

 

It would be different if he said "Hey I'm interested but let me make sure things are cool with my bestie first". But the fact that he wants to hide it seems like he knows that he might be betraying his best friend. Any guy that puts some random girl who he's met twice and hasn't even seen in two years above his very best friend seems like a pretty shady character. Of course if you just want to use him as a f*ck stick for a bit, do your thing but there is no way I would consider that kind of guy boyfriend material.

 

I think he wants to use you as an f-stick. It only makes sense. Just a casual bang buddy that his best friend will never find out about.

 

Be careful.

[2sunny]

Ok - since you're intent on doing this - let's see how it plays out - keep us posted...

 

I did notice you didn't acknowledge the " working on you first" part of this.

 

Best to not drink and keep a clear head so you are capable of good choices for yourself. The weight? You need to be happy... It's not healthy to judge yourself so harshly.

 

Look within RP - it's there... That spirit of the beautiful you... Reconnect with that happy healthy gal you love. Xo

 

All the best - always!

[RecordProducer]

Well it seems as though you already made up your mind but I'm just gonna say, if it were me.... A guy that would date his best friends ex and suggest that it be kept secret for awhile... is not the kind of guy I want to date.

 

It would be different if he said "Hey I'm interested but let me make sure things are cool with my bestie first". But the fact that he wants to hide it seems like he knows that he might be betraying his best friend. Any guy that puts some random girl who he's met twice and hasn't even seen in two years above his very best friend seems like a pretty shady character. Of course if you just want to use him as a f*ck stick for a bit, do your thing but there is no way I would consider that kind of guy boyfriend material.

 

I think he wants to use you as an f-stick. It only makes sense. Just a casual bang buddy that his best friend will never find out about.

 

Be careful.

You're right, but I just want fun right now and I think my approach to him suggested that. I can't put my sex life on hold - I've been putting it on hold for the past decade! (with exceptions here and there). I used to not have anyone because I waited for likable guys to approach me and they never did. Finally, after I read Chelsea Handler's books, I realized that a woman can get sex anytime, without waiting for a guy to approach her - and she taught me how: just go for it, approach them, flirt...

 

I did notice you didn't acknowledge the " working on you first" part of this.

Work on me first and then start having sex and going out with guys? I've been sitting at home, studying, working, taking care of kids and things, and getting angry at my ex for the past few years. I deserve to have fun. I want to enjoy and be hedonistic occasionally. I don't have to be all "proper" and worry about my ex-BF's feelings, the same guy who cheated on his GF (at the time) with me and didn't even tell me he was still with her.

 

I will look for my true love when I am whole again - oh, and definitely, after I pass the bar.

 

Look within RP - it's there... That spirit of the beautiful you... Reconnect with that happy healthy gal you love. Xo

I am looking for that gal to reconnect with her, but Sunny, this has nothing to do with me looking for some fun. You guys told me there's plenty of single guys, stay away from the married folks, find some hot guy - here I found a single, hot guy and you tell me to skip him because of a tiny, insignificant detail like I used to date his best friend.

All the best - always!

You're sweet.

[2sunny]

If you just want sex... You CAN get that... Any gal knows that. But if that's what you want - why not with someone who doesn't have all this history with an exBF?

 

It really is about YOU making choices that lift your spirits. Choices that help YOU feel better about yourself. These choices define who we are. I want more for you than that RP... I really do.

 

IF you only want sex - ok! I get that! But not many gals can do it that way... Most end up reading more into it than it just being sex. Then it may mess with your head and your self esteem and your pride...

 

I've done it. It was great! But I can keep a tight boundary and shut it down when it starts looking different than what was originally agreed upon.

 

Expectations are what will always get us tripped up.

 

Know exactly what YOU expect and communicate it clearly - always keeping in mind what your healthy boundary looks like for you.

 

Those simple guidelines can save you from a lot of pain.

 

Xo

[RecordProducer]

If you just want sex... You CAN get that... Any gal knows that. But if that's what you want - why not with someone who doesn't have all this history with an exBF?

I don't care about the history. He may care, but not me. If we would happen to fall in love, I am sure the ex-bf wouldn't try to ruin our happiness. Even on paper this guy is what I am looking for: hot, my age, divorced, his profile says he's ok with a woman with kids, has a college degree, a job, and is a nice person. I can't be looking for perfection just to have sex with someone. Would it be better if I hooked up with guys I met in bars? Or random strangers from the dating sites?

 

It really is about YOU making choices that lift your spirits. Choices that help YOU feel better about yourself. These choices define who we are. I want more for you than that RP... I really do.

I want more too, but the only real thing is love - and for that I have to patient, but meanwhile I want to have fun. A casual BF may very well lift my spirits instead of me sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself.

 

IF you only want sex - ok! I get that! But not many gals can do it that way... Most end up reading more into it than it just being sex. Then it may mess with your head and your self esteem and your pride...

Why? Any guy I sleep with could fit in that description. Why doyou assume that I will read more intoit than he will? The ex-BF was falling for me while he was to me just fun and sex - not because I was being a jerk, but because my initial feelings for him didn't start burning.

 

I've done it. It was great! But I can keep a tight boundary and shut it down when it starts looking different than what was originally agreed upon.

So, you can do it but other people can't? I've never fallen in love with anyone except with the people who married me (two of them) and the guy I dated for 6 years who proposed to me. Besides, it's better to live and experience joy and pain than to sit still and watch life passing by. I won't be young forever.

 

Expectations are what will always get us tripped up.

I have no expectations whatsoever other than to have some fun. If we happen to fall for each other, even better. He's not married, there's nothing standing in the way - and the ex-bf wuld have to suck it up.

 

Know exactly what YOU expect and communicate it clearly

I expect...mmm... I will clearly communicate it to him!

- always keeping in mind what your healthy boundary looks like for you.

Those simple guidelines can save you from a lot of pain.

Sunny, this guy is a very peaceful, simple person. He's not one of those guy who will bamboozle you into their sexy world and squeeze the juice out of you.

[2sunny]

I'm not saying you're not capable of this. I was only throwing some cautions out to you - so that you may be aware...of some of the things that may help. As long as you are honest with yourself and communicate effectively with him - then all should go well. ;-)

 

He sounds great... But then there are obvious expectations ( there's that word again). Dang it!

 

See how it goes... Be safe and have fun.

[RecordProducer]

He sounds great... But then there are obvious expectations ( there's that word again). Dang it!

See how it goes... Be safe and have fun.

Thanks, Sunny! My only true concern is that the chemistry and sex won't be great. Because I just know him as a friend and have seen him only twice, so I don't know.

[RecordProducer]

It would be different if he said "Hey I'm interested but let me make sure things are cool with my bestie first".

Why would he do that??? Why is the ex-BF such a big factor that he has to ask him for some kind of permission? I mean, I am not his friend's ex-wife or a long-term ex-GF.

 

Is this because the exBF came first? Am I a seat in a bus and whoever takes it first is the one who will have me? Do I have any say?

 

The exBF is not going to be hurt; plus he has a girlfriend. I'd find it completely weird if he had to tell his friend that he's going on a date with me. Keeping quiet doesn't mean a sex secret. If I hooked up with someone from school or work, I'd keep it quiet until things are really serious. In fact, I would think he's disrespecting me and sort of bragging if he told him beforehand. This is between me and him.

 

But the fact that he wants to hide it seems like he knows that he might be betraying his best friend.

But how is he betraying him?

Any guy that puts some random girl who he's met twice and hasn't even seen in two years above his very best friend seems like a pretty shady character.

How is he putting me above his friend? And why wouldn't he put me above or somewhere around his friend? Again, why does dating me undermine their friendship when I only had a total of 6 dates with this guy?

[2sunny]

I feel like your Momma... Ahaha so here goes:

 

Please use protection, ok? Um akay!

 

I hope he doesn't get to doing the nasty with you and mentally picture that his dear friend has already paid a visit there! Seriously, some guys do that and it totally ruins the moment - if you know what I mean.

 

If he can't "follow through" he may be having a tough time thinking his friend has had you before... That was my original thought with "why dies it have to be this guy"?

[ditzchic]

Why would he do that??? Why is the ex-BF such a big factor that he has to ask him for some kind of permission? I mean, I am not his friend's ex-wife or a long-term ex-GF.

 

Is this because the exBF came first? Am I a seat in a bus and whoever takes it first is the one who will have me? Do I have any say?

 

The exBF is not going to be hurt; plus he has a girlfriend. I'd find it completely weird if he had to tell his friend that he's going on a date with me. Keeping quiet doesn't mean a sex secret. If I hooked up with someone from school or work, I'd keep it quiet until things are really serious. In fact, I would think he's disrespecting me and sort of bragging if he told him beforehand. This is between me and him.

 

But how is he betraying him?

How is he putting me above his friend? And why wouldn't he put me above or somewhere around his friend? Again, why does dating me undermine their friendship when I only had a total of 6 dates with this guy?

 

Would you sleep with your best friend's ex without talking to her about it? Completely guilt free?

 

If you would, then cool. It's your thing. I'm not judging you, do what you want.

 

But like 2sunny said, string free sex is easy for us ladies to come by. We can get it just about anywhere. I don't really see why you would want to get it from a guy when there could be some possible fall out from it. If you're just looking for light and carefree fun, why not go completely light and carefree? Like someone who wouldn't be a peter-in-law with his best friend. Most guys aren't cool with girls that f*ck gaggles of their friends. Seems like the possible drama might be part of the allure for you... And you keep mentioning how you might possibly, maybe, kinda fall for this guy.. doesn't seem like light fun is all that is on your mind...

[RecordProducer]

Would you sleep with your best friend's ex without talking to her about it? Completely guilt free?

No. But men are different.

But like 2sunny said, string free sex is easy for us ladies to come by. We can get it just about anywhere.

This to me sounds like a slut's source and I don't think that's what 2Sunny was saying. Sorry, but I am not going to get sex "anywhere."

 

And you keep mentioning how you might possibly, maybe, kinda fall for this guy.. doesn't seem like light fun is all that is on your mind...

I can't control that; it will either be mutual love or mutual using 1-5 times or mutual nothing.

[gaius]

Sounds like just the medicine you need right now. Go for it Record.

[RecordProducer]

Sounds like just the medicine you need right now. Go for it Record.

Well, the thrill's worn out. He's handsome and the initial contact cheered me up, but when I think about him, I don't feel butterflies or any joy about meeting with him. I know I can get sex from him and that's good to know, but that's about the size of my thrill. I guess he is not quite my type, he's kinda not manly-looking enough. He's too boyish-looking. I mean, I know he's not the one, so I don't really care if I amgoing to see him one way or another. I'll keep in touch with him and if I have time and feel like it, I'll meet with him.

 

I still feel so sad about my divorce. It's been over a year since my ex and I stopped seeing each other and 16 months since we've been officially divorced. I am actually crying right now. I can't even feel angry anymore. I am just so sad. I dreamt of him last night, he told me in the dream that he loved me and he kissed me. Why did he have to leave me? Why can't I stop loving him? When will I get over him?

[2sunny]

Aw dang RP - big hugs.

 

I have a story to tell you but it will. We'd to wait a few hours until I'm off work.

 

It does get better... But I know how you feel...

[2sunny]

RP-

 

I've been where you are now. My M lasted 20 years. When it ended - I was so depressed I began drinking more and more. It became a big problem - so much so that I was causing harm to myself and others.

 

I made such bad choices for myself... As I look back now - I am mortified with myself... And what I had done for a solid two years in my heavy drinking state. I was completely incapable of making good decisions. I needed to get well. I needed to stop drinking the gallon of vodka I was drinking each day. I was completely toxic everyday- all day.

 

I couldn't stop.

 

I had to ask for help - and I took some action after having a stroke. It took a long battle to get well. I am grateful and happy now four years later - that I haven't had to have a drink.

 

I was hopeless and sad and unhappy while drinking. I don't ever want to go back to those two years again - it was sheer hell - I may as well have been dead while I was alive.

 

I hope you can stay away from the alcohol... It's a depressant. It will make you feel sad and isolated... None of it is good.

 

I hope you're not as bad as I was - that was awful.

 

I learned I can be happy sober - in fact this is amazing.

 

I faced and worked through my pain- my anger and disappointments.

 

I hope this finds you well... Let me know how I can help.

 

Hugs

Edited January 23, 2012 by 2sunny

[RecordProducer]

Hugs

Hugs back, sweet Sunny. Your story is very touching. I will PM you.

I am sober,though. My sadness is not due to alcohol. I agree that the alcohol makes things much worse, but I have these strong feelings for him when I don't drink, as well.

Edited January 23, 2012 by RecordProducer

[2sunny]

Every person deserves to find happy - for them. Balance helps... Not needing to be in charge and not giving too much power to anyone or anything else...what gives you peace and peace of mind... That is happy.

 

If you remember - your ex wasn't very nice or respectful of you. He disrespected and dishonored you at every turn.

 

That's not a loving relationship. I wouldn't want you to go back - even IF he wanted you.

 

You deserve happy... And if you can find a way to be happy on your own - then you could offer your happiest self to a man you may meet. Then the R would have a chance at being a very healthy and balanced union.

 

Look within RP - your happy side is there. What made you happy as a child? Do those things that made you happy when you were very young... That's a good way to start reconnecting with your inner child.

 

Play! Have fun - and revisit the things that bring you joy! Do them often!