Veryconfused12345 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Hi there, I'm so confused. My fiance dumped me 4 months ago and started sleeping with someone else a month later. He thought at the time that I would realize with distance that I didn't love him. As far as I know he's still with her but he's emailing me almost daily telling me how much he's screwed up, how much he loves me and can't fathom a future without me, but how scared he is that he's hurt me too much to fix it. He says he's waking up in a cold sweat almost every night and can't believe he could shut off temporarily like that. This new girl sounds incredibly clingy and apparently threatened to do something drastic if he leaves her. He just keeps on repeating he can't hurt anyone else anymore. I'm so lonely right now. Nothing is stable in my life at the moment as I have to move, get a new job, leave family behind, etc. He was my best friend and rock and I'm so scared to try to start again. I'm slipping into pretty serious depression even though I've done everything I'm supposed to to treat it. I'm afraid that I'm holding on to him as a solution. I feel so unlovable and disposable. I'm trying to be optimistic about a future and finding someone I can love more and who will treat me with more kindness but I'm absolutely terrified that if this guy i trusted so much could do this, anyone can. I think I'm really falling into a very dark mindset at the moment. I should be bouncing back a little bit better than this...
Mohanson Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I have so been there, felt like who in their right mind would ever love me. Who would ever want to be with someone that is such a loser as me. You know what, none of it's true. That's just the rejection talking, and the kick your self esteem took. I can tell you honestly having been there only a few months ago, to now that you will be loved, you will be valued, I can say this without any doubt. You don't see it now of course and you might not for a bit, but this will pass as well. Just try not to forget that you have value and you are worthy of love, and admiration. As for your situation with your ex, I think you need to go NC he keeps hurting you and that's not letting you heal. Every email, every line where he says he misses you or how wish he could be with you is just twisting that knife. You need to heal, and you need to focus on yourself you have to be your top priority right now, just you.
dicky_fish Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) I'm so lonely right now. Nothing is stable in my life at the moment as I have to move, get a new job, leave family behind, etc. He was my best friend and rock and I'm so scared to try to start again. I'm slipping into pretty serious depression even though I've done everything I'm supposed to to treat it. I'm afraid that I'm holding on to him as a solution. I feel so unlovable and disposable. I'm trying to be optimistic about a future and finding someone I can love more and who will treat me with more kindness but I'm absolutely terrified that if this guy i trusted so much could do this, anyone can. I think I'm really falling into a very dark mindset at the moment. I should be bouncing back a little bit better than this... Veryconfused12345 you have just described exactly how I'm feeling so you are not alone. But don't think you "should" be feeling anything. We're both recovering from the loss of someone who we thought we'd be with until our dying days; it's not something you can just bounce back from. And that fear of someone else doing the same is something I battle every day. Any advice I can give you is just to keep licking those wounds until they heal, and keep using this place to get your feelings out if you feel in a deep depression. Edited January 20, 2012 by dicky_fish
CopingGal Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 The other day I cried to my roommate about how unloveable I felt. I've never been married and I'm in my 40's. I've had 2 marriage proposals: 1 so the guy could stay in the country and the 2nd one was so that I would feel comfortable having sex (he was my boyfriend at the time and I do not believe he was trying to insult me by that). Needless to say, I turned them both down. Guy no. 1 asked me to marry him on the first date. Ugh! Another guy told me he might consider marrying me because he may not meet anyone else. Again, Ugh! I see people when they are young, grow up and get married and I still have not been married. My last relationship was a disaster. The one before it was not good. The one before it lacked physical intimacy, but other than that the man was VERY good to me. But enough! Enough! I am by myself and I plan to be by myself for a long time. I'm not going to online dating sites because every man I have ever met on online dating sites has been a complete disaster. That was my friend's case too until she married a guy she met online after 6 months, so sometimes it does work. But for me....I am going to concentrate on myself. Me, just me. And, I am going to be a heck of a lot more selective. I want a man who is kind, sensitive, caring, mentally stable, emotionally stable, financially stable, is attracted to me, smart, and makes time for me. I will not settle for anything less than these things. You would think I would have known these things because they make sense. But if you don't grow up seeing your parents in a healthy, respectful relationship, it's easy to think that bad relationships are normal and accept them.
mike588 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Hi there, I'm so confused. My fiance dumped me 4 months ago and started sleeping with someone else a month later. He thought at the time that I would realize with distance that I didn't love him. As far as I know he's still with her but he's emailing me almost daily telling me how much he's screwed up, how much he loves me and can't fathom a future without me, but how scared he is that he's hurt me too much to fix it. He says he's waking up in a cold sweat almost every night and can't believe he could shut off temporarily like that. This new girl sounds incredibly clingy and apparently threatened to do something drastic if he leaves her. He just keeps on repeating he can't hurt anyone else anymore. I'm so lonely right now. Nothing is stable in my life at the moment as I have to move, get a new job, leave family behind, etc. He was my best friend and rock and I'm so scared to try to start again. I'm slipping into pretty serious depression even though I've done everything I'm supposed to to treat it. I'm afraid that I'm holding on to him as a solution. I feel so unlovable and disposable. I'm trying to be optimistic about a future and finding someone I can love more and who will treat me with more kindness but I'm absolutely terrified that if this guy i trusted so much could do this, anyone can. I think I'm really falling into a very dark mindset at the moment. I should be bouncing back a little bit better than this... I know exactly how you feel and I'm so sorry. My ex.g/f of one year dumped me to go back to her ex. and it completely shattered me!! I also felt so unloveable...used..and was slipping into that dark hole. Follow the advise given here....it helped me so much. I promise you it will get better...I'm living proof of it! It's been alittle over 5 months now and have finally moved on..my ex has recently reached out to me but I haven't responded...just don't want to go back there again. It's a horrible time in your life now....what your feeling is normal...all of us here are going thru /have been thru the same thing and feelings. Look out for yourself now....cry..scream...eat junk food all day...sleep all day if you must...it's ok. Time will take care of this...it will ease your pain. Life is full of disappointments and heartaches but it's a learning and growing experience...hang in there...keep posting here as much as you feel you need to. Were here to help you. In the end you will be ok!!!! Really! You'll come out wiser and stronger.
Pens55 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 As everyone else has said, we've all been (or still are ) there. A lot of us immediately think "it was me, I wasnt good enough, they can do so much better than me" when a breakup occurs. You question everything about yourself and find so many flaws that you didnt notice before. But its just the beating your self confidence took, nothing more, nothing less. We all gain our confidence back in our own time, and we'll come back stronger than we were before. Accepting your feelings is definitely a good start, then you will slowly be able to debunk all of the negative thoughts you have about yourself. And eventually, youll be thinking I could do a lot better. Nothing Ive said is any different from anyone else's comments, just wanted to echo it and give you some more support
TearyEyedPride Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 "Love is giving someone the power or ability to truly hurt you, but trusting and being able to count on them not to."- Someone Fact: He broke up with you, moved on and is probably with that other chick. Fact: He chose to end things... Fact: Their relationship isn't your concern. Fact: You're grieving a loss of your relationship, the stability that brought, the ups and the companionship. The good things about right now... is that it's just a bad moment. Your wounds are still kinda fresh as long as you keep talking to him. It's kinda like picking a scab. You can heal... but it will be a haaaarrrdddd process that will take a longer route than someone who simply went NC completely. I'm just assuming you're still in limited contact because of the emails you're reading. I think i'd delete them instead of reading them, but we all handle things differently. I do wanna say though, like everyone else... is that you just have to give it some time and begin to heal, and restore yourself by building your confidence and keeping yourself distracted for the most part, until it becomes second nature. You're a wonderful person who's very capable of loving and being loved, but that person wasn't mature enough to accept your idea of love. Whenever you're feeling down you can always talk to us or if it gets super bad where it becomes overwhelming you can always talk to a grief counselor, or a therapist. Healing is definitely a process that takes time and dedication. But it's worth it... right now... it feels more like a rehabilitation... but your restoration will come. Stay positive.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Youre only 4 months out of an engagement, it takes a LOT longer to bounce back from that. Youre going to have high points and low points. The low points come in waves. But dont fight them, they will return from time to time, and they will be less intense each time. Anyone can do this to you at any time, theres no way to avoid it, but you can learn to see it coming. That helps it hurt alot less. You wont want to be with someone new for a while, dont bother rushing that to try to move on, it wont help. Your ex is giving lying excuses as to why he wont leave the other woman, he just wants to make it look like hes a good guy rather than saying he'd rather be with her. Its his loss, screw him. But in a few months, or however long it takes, when youre ready to take someone in, make sure youre aggressive, not passive, in finding the right guy for you, and dont wait for the right guy to come along, or try to mold a guy into what you want. Trying to change people never works, and neither does waiting for them to change, or waiting for the right guy to come along.
Orianne Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 If you get back together with him in your current mindset, your inevitable insecurity will destroy whatever new relationship you try to make with him. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to block him from all communication channels until you can clear your head. In fact, just get a whole new email address, phone number, address, etc. And don't worry about him--you'll never be happy with someone else until you realize that you can be happy alone.
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