RRKaizen Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 My girlfriend and I are in a strange relationship in which we see each other only on weekends as I travel for work. We email and we talk during the week. She has this habit of wanting to speak about important things face-to-face (which I appreciate). The only issue is that she always writes a nice email and in the middle of it is a statement that flips a switch in my head. For example, yesterday's email said "<nice things> We need to discuss this weekend. Nothing to stress about. It's rather personal, actually. <nice things>" In my reply email I didn't answer that particular statement simply because: 1) I get extremely stressed out in regards to what it could be. 2) I get very resentful and angry for the fact that she "makes me" stress about it regardless. I'd rather she just told me about it when we meet. 3) History-wise, this phrase was used by her when we had to chat about "taking the relationship too fast" and this time could be the same due to some very couply things we're scheduled to do in the near future... but I don't really understand the "personal" statement Now I can't sleep simply because I need to know what this stressless, yet personal thing is. I am seeing her tonight and am afraid to jump the gun on asking her about it... Help?
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Ah. That - in sales - is known as a 'club sandwich'..... "This is one of the most advanced models ever made, you'll be the envy of all your friends <Nice> it costs $/£650,000 <club> and has a lifetime guarantee, annual service, valeting and upholstery change every 3 years !!<Nice>" Shroud the club over the head with really good factors.... then it doesn't smart so much.... Have you ever tried telling her, how much like a club sandwich her letters sound? All they make you do is to brace yourself for the worst. either please outline it in the letter, or tell you face to face, without the mysterious hint.... You need your sleep, and she's depriving you of it.... It's the little niggly things that do the most damage....
wildgeese Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Why don't you just tell her exactly what you're telling us? All you have to say is that you become anxious when she states things like that and maybe you both can find some better phrasing. Or maybe understand that that's simply the way she's most comfortable bringing something up and it's her way of communicating? It's wonderful that she prefers to talk about things face-to-face and she's probably just thinking that a heads up is courtesy.
chelsea2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) Ah. That - in sales - is known as a 'club sandwich'..... Shroud the club over the head with really good factors.... then it doesn't smart so much.... Have you ever tried telling her, how much like a club sandwich her letters sound? All they make you do is to brace yourself for the worst. either please outline it in the letter, or tell you face to face, without the mysterious hint. I agree with TM's perspective here. She probably doesn't realize what she is doing or the impact it is having on you. Tell her exactly what you have said here about how it makes you feel and also draw a clear picture about how manipulating it is. In a sense, she is being passive aggressive by not directly filling you in on whether the discussion is going to be a positive or negative one. And more importantly, she is not giving you a choice about when this discussion is to take place. Yeah, I can imagine how that must make you feel. If it were me, I would lose sleep too! A couple of things come to mind: 1) all you can really do is express your feelings in a way that is non-confrontational, so she feels safe in discussing and resolving this issue with you. And 2) she needs to take a look at her motivation behind why she communicates this way. Why does she want you to sit on pins and needles for a few days before the discussion? And does she even realize the impact it has on your peace of mind? Again, what is her motivation behind keeping you off balance before the discussion? These are important questions that only she can answer. In short, I would call her and say, "When you request a discussion without filling me in on what it's about, I feel nervous, insecure and end up losing sleep over it." Tell her that you need to know what the topic will be and whether or not you need to worry. And if it is serious and something you need to worry about, you would rather get it out of the way now as opposed to waiting because it makes you feel anxious. Hope this helps and good luck. Edited January 20, 2012 by chelsea2011
salparadise Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Yup, I can relate. I got one of those 'heads up' warnings once. I don't want to hear it anymore either. I'd just tell her in a rather nonchalant way that you'd appreciate it if she would forgo the teasers and simply wait until an appropriate time to initiate the conversation. It really serves no purpose beyond jacking up the anxiety volume.
Author RRKaizen Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 So. BIG thank you to all the replies above! I used the arguments word for word almost and put in a little bit of me. She said I'm sorry and it'll never happen again. Key word was EMPATHY.
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 It's probably intrusive, but would you be willing to reveal what it was she so wanted to discuss with you, that she had to mention it (in her 'club sandwich'....?)
chelsea2011 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 It's probably intrusive, but would you be willing to reveal what it was she so wanted to discuss with you, that she had to mention it (in her 'club sandwich'....?) Hahaha! Good one. Yes, please share. Inquiring minds want to know.
Author RRKaizen Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Two words every man and woman hates to hear: yeast infection. Either she had it before we had sex for the first time the previous weekend or she somehow got it through our intercourse. Other things came up during the chat though since I used the chat to have her answer a few other questions. But those are for me to deal with... Or to post in another post.
TaraMaiden Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 candida (yeast infection) can be spread by sexual intercourse, but is NOT an STD. I hope you realise this.....
Author RRKaizen Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 I know it's common. That's not the issue. This is the issue: A) She told me she doesn't like sex. She told me she had a psychologically traumatizing experience before related to sex C) I am only home on weekends and inevitably one of the weekends she's on her period D) She lives with her parents This weekend she was not on her period but she had the infection so no sex... again... next weekend she's on her period. The weekend after I can't see her because she's busy... Do you see a pattern? I don't even have time to get her to like sex again...
TaraMaiden Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Did you want to discuss it further, or stop here? I'm not going to offer my view if that's not what you want.....
Author RRKaizen Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Hey TaraMaiden! I certainly want to discuss it and want the frank views everybody has. Allow me to add a bit of context. The combo of no sex and no affection is what bothers me. I could handle waiting for sex if there was a certain feeling of ... "Ok. The relationship is growing. We are moving forward sexually slowly and she is showing her love for me all the time in other ways making me feel secure that the wait is worth it." What I feel now is: "Ok. She denies me sex. She tells me I'm her lowest priority and that her decisions are not based at all on me. What guarantee do I have that this long wait will be worth it?" On the one hand she is sweet half the time when we kiss, hug, she calls me "love", sends me nice emails once in a while, loves my family, introduced me to her entire family and they love me, we have date nights and the time she is giving me on weekends has increased... at least for now. It's the other half that bothers me - the unnecessary mean comments: > Me: "I'm bringing water skating. Can you bring some food? I'll be hungry." Her: "No. It's just dead weight." Inconsiderate? > "Your daily email is NOT the only thing I look forward to in my day." I didn't think it was... > "Don't tell me I'm your first priority because you are not mine... In fact, you are the last thing I think about when I am studying." > "You're the reason I did badly last semester!" and the fact that she refuses to sleep over at my place with no particular reason... ^ Reading my words above I detect a bit of neediness and immature thinking on my part. Expectations for everything to be perfect and not recognizing that the distance makes what would be slow progress towards good sex REALLY SLOW progress towards good sex. Is patience what I need? Edited January 24, 2012 by RRKaizen
TaraMaiden Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I'm sorry... are you kidding....? ....Reading the above words, I detect an almost perfect platonic 'brother/sister' relationship....! You think this is going to improve without some kind of motivation, or professional counselling....? If there is no impetus on her part to address the sex question, she keeps bringing up barriers and tells you that you are in no way a specific priority for her - neediness be damned - this is not a normally cohesive relationship....
TMichaels Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 ^ Reading my words above I detect a bit of neediness and immature thinking on my part. Expectations for everything to be perfect and not recognizing that the distance makes what would be slow progress towards good sex REALLY SLOW progress towards good sex. Is patience what I need? Um, no. Distance or a lack of patience isn't your biggest problem. What you need is a different girlfriend. Why you're wasting your time on someone who treats you with so little appreciation or respect? Best, TMichaels
Morai Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) I don't post a lot and lurk all the time but this thread bothers me. She's letting past experience dictate her current relationship for one. I understand that sexual trauma can be life changing, and I don't know what the extent of her story is but, at some point, she'll need to get over it. There was a lot of pressure for sex in a few of my past relationships that I wasn't ready for and it affected me in a negative way as well. But if you say you love someone you need to be willing to open up yourself, all of yourself to that person. Not only that but to me, and a lot of other people on these forums, sex is that ultimate show of affection and love for another person. That love and affection is something that EVERY relationship needs and if its not being expressed through intimate means, you need to be getting it from someone else, and from the way she regards you, you're not. I'm still in school as well. I'm 20 and starting my third year of Uni in the fall. Every decision as to what scholarships I'm applying for, to what school and the route I take to get there, I've talked about with my boyfriend. Why? Because I want him in my life. We're ending the distance sometime in the next three years, and that level of commitment needs to be equally shared on both sides. He's moving 4000 miles to be with me, why should I not talk to him about decisions that my affect my ease of moving somewhere, whether it be a few miles or a different state, to make that easier for him? Point of rant is: Relationships are give and take. You're giving a lot. You're being patient through her struggles, and acting rational and adult. Yet she doesn't want to think about you when making decisions about her life long term that may affect you as well? Sounds to me that she doesn't see any long term potential with you, and if that's what you're looking for with someone, you're not going to find it with her. Anything I get from my boyfriend, a text or email or whatever, makes my day so much better. I feel happy to hear from him and a little bit more normal to a part of his everyday life and thoughts like that even though we're an ocean apart. Please don't let her take your presence and consideration for her for granted. She needs to exit her shell, or you need to move on for someone with a bit more empathy and willingness to open up to you in ALL aspects of her life. Edited January 24, 2012 by Morai
chelsea2011 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Wow, I agree with all of the other posters here. She sounds very cold, unfeeling and like she doesn't give two hoots about you. Why would you even waste your time on someone who treats you this way? And don't fool yourself, sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. I'm sorry if I missed this, but how long have the two of you been together? Is this relationship new? If it is new, she may have some defenses up due to her own fears about what happened to her in the past. But still, that is her issue and not yours to figure out. I would stop walking on egg shells around her and call her out on it immediately. You need to respect your own personal boundaries about what you will or will not tolerate. Speak up and guit blaming yourself for things that are clearly not your issue. It's okay to have empathy toward her, BUT...for goodness sakes, don't accept sub-par treatment from her! If she has issues due to her past then she needs to deal with it like an adult and get into therapy. Don't let her transfer crap from the past onto you. It doesnt belong to you, so don't accept it. Stand up for yourself!
Author RRKaizen Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 I think this thread has become too aggressive as a result of me not describing the whole context properly. It has gotten way better once I started backing away a little bit. I was taking up all the emotional space in the relationship out of my own fears for losing her. I appreciate all your advice and will keep it in mind but for now I want to give this relationship a chance. End of the day, I believe "the juice is worth the squeeze". If I re-evaluate in 1 month and it's not better ill simply end it.
Author RRKaizen Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 I think this thread has become too aggressive as a result of me not describing the whole context properly. It has gotten way better once I started backing away a little bit. I was taking up all the emotional space in the relationship out of my own fears for losing her. I appreciate all your advice and will keep it in mind but for now I want to give this relationship a chance. End of the day, I believe "the juice is worth the squeeze". If I re-evaluate in 1 month and it's not better ill simply end it.
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