JamesDean5398 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 i am 41. my ex is 44. She was my girlfriend of 18 months with on an off times. It is finally over. I asked her not to share our intimacy issues with her friend. my ex accidentally dialed me and i heard everything. (This was a favor from God to hear everything.) She read my text messages to her friend like it was a newspaper article. After she stopped talking, I called the house phone to let her know that is is over. I asked her to not contact me again. I let her know that I heard the conversation. I wish her well. she has tried to text me 3 times, and call me 3 times. Her first text was, "That is good." and the other two texts were, "hey, whats up." she called me to say that she left me a text. See we were broken up, and i was trying to working things out with her. There were some requests to do for we can work it out. She refused to the request, saying this to her friend. I heard, and at the same time she refuse to answer my text. I called her to ask her if she got the text. she said that she had to leave to the store, but this is when she accidenty called me, and she and her friend were just be critical of my texts. This was the worst to expose one's heart in a text, then people read it freely. I guess i just need the encouragement that I did the right thing. I need somebody who will love. She did cheat on me with a girl, and she didn't think it was wrong to kiss her. The last time we broke up. She was suicidal if I don't come back. I did go back. I know that she loves me still, and she knows it was wrong, but I have standards. Also, at the same time, I really want her to miss me, and love me and be convinced that it was wrong. I guess I want her to love me again, but I don't want to go back to her. Strange how that may seem. I just want her to know that she had a good thing with me, and just live with the thought that I will not be around. And this is what I don't want to do. I don't want to go back to her even if she threatens suicide on me. many thanks in advance.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Do you not see anything wrong with your actions?
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 You have a big time communication issue. Instead of talking things out, you just cross your fingers and hope everything works out. The biggest proof in this is she is talking to her friend about your problems and not you. Thats because you are closed off emotionally to her. This is what I see, correct me if I am wrong
fucpcg Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I'd say there is plenty of issues on your side as well. And I don't think kissing another girl a big deal, but that is me. I dated a girl who was 100% devoted to me, but she was bisexual, and she liked being with girls on occasion. You are either the type that is open and it's no bother, or you are reserved and can't deal with that kind of sexual diversity. Wouldn't bother me at all, but it does you, and I doubt that will ever change. You cannot suppress your sexual desires, so if she likes women, this will happen again and again. If you can't deal with that best leave now.
RecordProducer Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Can you clarify a little bit why you broke up with her? Just stating facts likeshe readyour messages to a friend is not going to drive much good advice for you because we don't really know what the messages said. You've been with this woman for 18 months and she is 44, not a college girl. She felt something about those texts and whether she shared them with her best friend doesn't really define your relationship, except as DarkPhoenix suggested - she can't talk to you about it. Think of her friend as her diary or her other self. It's not like she broadcasted something embarasing about you to the whole world. You have a big time communication issue. Instead of talking things out, you just cross your fingers and hope everything works out. The biggest proof in this is she is talking to her friend about your problems and not you. Thats because you are closed off emotionally to her. This is what I see, correct me if I am wrong I'd say there is plenty of issues on your side as well. And I don't think kissing another girl a big deal, but that is me. I dated a girl who was 100% devoted to me, but she was bisexual, and she liked being with girls on occasion. You are either the type that is open and it's no bother, or you are reserved and can't deal with that kind of sexual diversity. Wouldn't bother me at all, but it does you, and I doubt that will ever change. You cannot suppress your sexual desires, so if she likes women, this will happen again and again. If you can't deal with that best leave now. I absolutely agree with these two posts. If your culture considers bisexuality as too liberal then the two of you are not right for each other. I mean, for god's sake, she is a 44-year old woman. Kissing another girl was not cheating.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Wrong. If she was involved in a relationship with the OP, and kissed and another girl, it IS cheating. If they were broken up, then I would say it's not, but the way the OP charactorized it, they were still "on".
Philosoraptor Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 So she cheated on you and did something you asked her kindly not to do? Also claimed suicide when you ended things before. This speaks of amazing security and maturity and you should definitely get back with her. But really. You had a line and drew it in the sand. She shared details of your intimate life with a friend and it upset you. It's understandable, I'm the same way and would be upset as well if my partner shared anything personal with a friend. I don't mind talking about me whatsoever, but let's keep the initmate issues in the relationship. Simply wasn't a good match nor does she seem mature enough for a relationship. No big deal. But you need to let it go and not worry about what she realizes in the future. That is immaturity on your end and you can stop it.
fucpcg Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Wrong. If she was involved in a relationship with the OP, and kissed and another girl, it IS cheating. If they were broken up, then I would say it's not, but the way the OP charactorized it, they were still "on". Wrong. Those are your standards, not everyone's standards. My bisexual girlfriend was with a few girls when we dated, sometimes with me in the other room. I was 100% fine with that because I can't give her what another woman can, sexually speaking. We had a great sex life together, and we never did anything that made the other uncomfortable. If that's cheating for you, that is your standard, and not the universal standard.
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I think the cheating bit depends entirely on how this was done. If it's done in secret, behind the partner's back, without their knowledge or consent, then it's cheating. If the relationship is open, or there is an understanding, then that's fair enough. But subterfuge and illicit liaisons, are cheating.....
Exit Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) Kinda silly that multiple people in this thread are going back and forth saying "wrong" to each other, and then going on to state that these issues are a matter of opinion and everyone's personal boundaries. There is no "wrong" then, only the boundaries that were established between the two in this relationship. OP considers ex kissing another girl cheating. Within the boundaries of his relationship, it is. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You had your boundaries crossed and you made a decision. I applaud you for that. A large majority of people here (including me) have had relationship problems because we don't reinforce our own boundaries. I love the conclusions people jump to just to be argumentative. "She was talking to her friend instead of OP because OP must have been emotionally closed off". How do you come to that conclusion? How do you know this woman wasn't the emotionally closed off one, who chose to waste time gossiping and getting her ego fed by complaining about her issues to a friend, instead of coming home and talking to the boyfriend, the one who matters? I don't think anyone is in a position to say the OP did anything wrong. All of these issues are subjective. Anyways, you left her, and you say you want her to realize she did something wrong, you want her to miss you, you want her to love you. That's all fine and good, but there's nothing for you to do now that could influence that in any way. If she does realize she made a mistake, fine. If not, keep on going the direction you're going. The only thing worse than not standing up for your boundaries in the first place, is to initially put your foot down and stand up for yourself, and then waiver and end up being the one to apologize or make contact. You've made your decision. It doesn't really matter what you "hope" to happen from here on out. You also "hoped" that she wouldn't discuss intimate details with friends, and you also "hoped" for loyalty in this relationship and not kissing other people. Obviously she doesn't care what your hopes were, and she may not now. Edited January 20, 2012 by Exit
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Kinda silly that multiple people in this thread are going back and forth saying "wrong" to each other, and then going on to state that these issues are a matter of opinion and everyone's personal boundaries. ... Well, had they been married, it would have been adultery and grounds for divorce... As it is, it's just bloody bad manners.... and for the reasons he's given, I can quite see how he would get pissy.... what I don't get, is how she never realised she was actually ringing him, and reading the texts at the same time, to her friend.... Surely, looking at her phone screen, she would have seen she had made an outgoing call.....
Exit Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Hm you make a good point. I was about to explain how sometimes a phone can even dial just sitting in your pocket, but I realized what you meant... she must have been reading the texts off the phone at the time. Very strange indeed.
sunflower11 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Can I just say from a girls perspective..that I'm pretty sure most women do this? Heck, I tell my girlfriends EVERYTHING! Sure I wouldn't want my "boyfriend" to find out, but isn't it a known fact that women talk about everything? Yes, you told her not to share that information, but I mean....I can understand why some people just need to share things and talk about them. Her kissing someone else, well....that depends on how you view it and if she was aware that you wouldn't be ok with it and still did it. Mostly, I think you both need to talk about your issues and what boundaries you have in the relaitonship because it seems like these are not known..
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 It's a question of trust and betrayal. If my husband asks me to not discuss something with my friends, because he feels it's a sensitive issue, then it stays in the room. I would never consider betraying his trust in that way. ....Come to think of it, I pretty much know the kinds of things which he finds on the taboo side, so i avoid discussing those issues with anyone but him. JamesDean's ex- obviously didn't feel she had to show him that respect and consideration....
Author JamesDean5398 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 Thanks everyone for your input. I read a lot of good insights to help me deal with this. I know I will probably writing ideas from here. This is what came out when I started reading. I didn't mind the kissing, but it was all of the sudden her attention to this girl. Then all of the sudden her friend Janet started to show sexual interest in my gf robin. I saw the body language and the flirt. So, I became uneasy about it to the point, robin said that nothing will happen. I believed her. Nothing happened. and now, Janet would be over all the time, basically flirting. Janet is not attractive, but since Robin was flirting with the idea to sleep with a girl. I still had no problem. Janet is basically trying to sleep with my girlfriend. Janet is unattractive. The person who my girlfriend kissed was unattractive. Now, when I asked robin to not talk to anybody about my permission to let her pursue this idea of sleeping with another person. Janet at the same time is suggesting that I am not a good boyfriend, bringing up my past. When Robin and I get in a petty argument. Robin tells Janet, and Janet says that she should kick me out of the bed. then then towards the end of our breakup, when I called robin, she would not pick up, she never texted me like she did. Then I was asking who she is with. Then she said her friend Janet. Then one night, when I was away at my place, robin cut the conversation short with me to be a host to her friend Janet to watch a movie. I then said, hold on, I didn't talk to you all day. we talked a little bit longer. Then we hung the phone. I was pleased that Robin listen to me. Then when I tried to call back immediately. Robin didn't pick up the phone. I then texted her to not say anything to Janet What we talked about. She didn't text back. I then called her house phone to say this when I know that Janet can hear. Of her, ignoring me, I then texted robin. tell me one reason why we should be together still. She told me to wait. I said by her silence it seems like there is no reason to stay together. Then she broke it off with me. so, now we are broken up. I thought I give a good faith effort in compromising, and trying to start things up again. We have been through this several times now. And we always got back. The fighting was there for us but we loved each other. The following day. We showed signs of talking and getting back. I then expressed my heart to her. I called her to she since we were texting. She picked up. We talked for a minute, I was saying sorry, letting her know that texting is not the best form of communications. She said that she had to go the store right now. Usually, she would talk on the phone with me to the store. And then she accidentally dialed, and I heard loud and clear that Janet was there, and Robin was reading my texts. They were just there. Janet offered robin to go to starbucks and hang out. Now, then after robin stopped reading my text 10 minutes of reading and giving opinions. I heard it all. I then called the house phone and asked to not contact me again. I asked her to respect my wishes. Since then, she has text me 3 times, called me twice. I didn't respond. One time when we broke up, she was scared because I was not there to hold her. She was a wreck. She would sleep on the couch because it hurt her to know that I was not there at night, and it was an empty bed for her. I do have respect for myself and I am not a doormat. I consider myself an alpha male with mercy to show her. I will not tolerate this behavior from her, and she didn't respect my wishes. I have boundaries, and this is why I choose to cut off all forms of communication with her. Now do I wish she would break down and cry for me because she was wrong, and her friends would attempt to contact me, saying that Robin has been crying for you. I would like this if Robin showed repentance for her actions towards me. And at the same time, I just had it with her, and I need to move on.Tonight is Friday, and sometimes, when Robin goes out to drink, she would be drunk, and call for me to help her because she is not well, or sick, and that she will then confess to me that I am the only one for her, who takes care of her. I am writing this to help me cope, so i would prefer to leave the judgment out of this. The fact is I do want to be happy, and I know the right person is out there to make me happy. I can't change anybody buy myself, or expect anybody to act a certain way, because I asked them to. They must do it from their heart. Many thanks again.
seibert253 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Jimbo, WAY too much drama with both of them. Personally I think your XGF is nutso. You're better off she's gone. Go stone cold NC with her. Move forward, never backward.
Recommended Posts