DenumChkn Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Ex broke up with me about 5 months ago. I was devastated and told her I couldn't handle being just friends at the time, (kind of a mistake in hindsight) posted on here a few times, went NC (which btw I will NOT be doing again in the future, as I think it actually slowed the healing process for me and left me with lots of questions and anxieties) and she has not made one effort to contact me since. I am now more or less over the relationship, sure I still love her and think about her but I don't have that feeling of NEEDING her that I had before. I want to reach out to her and just leave things on good terms. The last time we talked I called her the night before her birthday (about 3 days after I told her I couldn't be just friends, stupid I know) and she was very standoffish and the phone call ended on a bitter note. I was too upset to even wish her a happy birthday the next day and it kills me that I have not heard from her since. I am currently looking for jobs out of town and am optimistic that I will find one and get moving soon. I just want to know she doesn't loathe me and leave a positive impression between the two of us before I go. I am going to do this eventually regardless so don't bother trying to talk me out of it, I just want to know what people (girls especially) think the best way of going about it is; an email? phone call? leave a letter at her house? text? My intent is not to get her back or make her feel bad or anything, I just want to have a positive interaction with her and for her to know that I support her no matter what - I really don't care if she's with a new guy or whatever is going on in her life it doesn't matter, I feel like I just need this closure that, quite frankly, I would have gotten months ago if I hadn't taken all of this crap NC advice on this forum. The NC has served its purpose in getting me over the heartache and moving on and at this point is starting to feel like some petty game I am playing with her and myself. Let me know what you guys think and thank you in advance for your help.
thepedestrian Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Yup, I'd recommend talking to her. Sounds like you know what you want and what to expect. Get those questions out of your head, they're emotionally draining.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I honestly think you should wait until you stop convincing yourself all the things you are in this thread. You are emotionally torn and I read it clear as day and your ex will read it too. Until you learn to be honest with your feelings about this situation, NC is the best solution for you
Author DenumChkn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 thepedestrian: Yes.. but how should I go about reaching out to her? I did actually text her once a few months back with a simple "hope you are well and school is good" message that she did not respond to. I think it is too easy for someone to write off a text or potentially not receive it at all (which actually happened in the beginning of our relationship and almost caused 'us' to never happen). I'm starting to think a phone call is the best option, but I could see a letter being a decent approach too. If she does not respond to a call, do you think leaving a voice message is a good/bad move? DarkPhoenix: Convincing myself what? I do not get the stubborn tow the line attachment the members of this forum have to NC. It served its purpose (briefly) in getting me over the initial hump where I could barely keep myself from breaking down at work. If I just move out of the state and leave things as they are it will leave a bitter nagging feeling in the back of my mind for god knows how long. Sure she might potentially ignore me or respond in a hostile fashion, in which case then at least I know where she stands and I can tell myself at least I was the bigger person and I tried (ie. FULLY take my own power back). Right now I have lingering doubts about the way I handled the situation at the time and believe with all the time that has passed the possibility for making peace is there. She was my first love and I might well go on and get married to another girl I love and I would -STILL- think about her and be 'emotionally torn' as you say. You guys all think that if anyone is having any thoughts of contacting their ex it must be because they are still beholden to their image on a pedestal. I believe it is possible to still love and care for an ex without being completely emotionally attached to them. I admit I needed some NC time to take her down from that pedestal and get some of my own power back. That has been accomplished, all NC is doing now is making me feel like a stubborn and potentially manipulative ******* because I can't swallow my pride and mend a friendship with someone I care about. I was doing NC to get her back, but instead I mentally moved on and realized I could still lead a happy life without her. Now that I know that, what is the harm in attempting to make amends?
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I understand whole heartedly why you want to talk to her. Trust me I do. Do you really want to talk to her while you are depressed? Or do you want to put your best foot forward and wait it out for a couple more weeks or maybe months and then try again. I for one agree with what you want to do, I only encourage you to wait until you can put your best foot forward
Author DenumChkn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 Fair enough. It isn't something I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I will likely wait until I get a new job and am getting ready to leave town, then I will know my motive and intentions are pure.
smudge21 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Seeking closure is often only an excuse we feed ourselves because we just really want to see them again. I do it, but I know deep down any answers she gives me will only lead to more questions. Basically it's a never ending circle and is only broken once you no longer care and can walk away. You want to see her because you still have strong feelings for her, admit it. Any contact you have, no matter how good you think you are, will only set you back. You can't honestly tell me you're prepared to meet her and see that she's engaged, or pregnant or married. The fact you're posting about this is indication enough. The only time we can really handle meeting an ex is the day we don't really want to. I urge you not to make contact, it will only lead you back to where you were. She's totally moved on and you haven't yet. The answers you seek you already know, deep down, and those you think you need are not that important. They feel important but that's only because you still have that emotional attachment.
Author DenumChkn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 I think you misinterpret my intentions smudge. Again, stubbornly towing the 'NC OR DIE' line you all must have tattooed on your foreheads. I don't need 'closure' as you refer to it, I don't care about her reasons for breaking up with me. I don't have any unanswered questions, I'm very much OK with the breakup at this point and actually appreciative of it. Had she not done it I would have stayed in this city to my own detriment instead of pursuing my dreams and passions. I think she recognized this when I couldn't and cut me loose for my own good. Yes, I still love her and care about her, but I am indifferent to whether or not we ever date again. I'm not saying I want her to be my friend that I talk to on the phone everyday, but I'd like to leave things on friendly terms. I want us to remember each other in a positive light because there is no reason either of us should be bitter and mad at one another. If I come back to town a year from now to visit I'd like to be able to get a cup of coffee and laugh about the old times, not have this shroud of hostility between us. As I already stated, NC served its purpose months ago, I stopped caring if she is with someone new or whatever else might be going on. I'm not trying to reinsert myself into her life, I'm merely trying to mend a bridge that never needed to be burned in the first place. I have every intention of moving out of town and pursuing my career goals, a relationship with her, or anyone right now really, has no place in that path. Also, I'd like to get my best pair of PJ's back from her and give her her much belated b-day present so it can stop taking up space in my closet ;d
veggirl Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I think it's a terrible idea, but it doesn't sound like you want advice you don't agree with. Sounds like you have your mind made up. You say she is your first love, so take it from those of us who have already gone through this. You WILL NOT always be "emotionally torn" over this. 5 months isn't THAT long of a time, and if you have been contacting her off and on for these months, you truly haven't given yourself time to heal and move on. It seems pretty clear she is not interested in maintaining any contact with you, given that she was cold to you over the phone and didn't respond to your text. So why not let it be? I want us to remember each other in a positive light because there is no reason either of us should be bitter and mad at one another. Well, you don't sound bitter and mad. Is she? If she isn't reaching out to fix that, then she is OKAY with leaving things as is. Anyway, since you clearly are going to contact her, then as a female I will say that a call w/ a voicemail (since I'm sure she won't answer, I'm sorry!) is the best way to go about it. Please don't leave a letter on her doorstep or email her. She will show those things to everyone.
Jane2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I have two situations similar to yours. One is a guy I dated recently and liked a lot (we sort of mutually broke up but I feel it was slightly more his decision than mine). I've been apart from him for a month now with NC and I do accept the break up. I've toyed with the idea of sending a conciliatory "sorry things got ugly" type of note because even though we had a civil break-up, there was definite tension and mildly hostility on my part. A small part of me wanted him to have a better last impression of me than that; hence, why I thought of contacting him (not to get back together, not even just to reconnect as friends, but just to leave a better last impression). But I have decided against it because, as someone pointed out to me, it's only natural that there are crazy/tense feelings surrounding a break-up. Any decent person would know that, even if things were a little ugly at the time of the break-up, it doesn't define you (in this case me). He, too (the guy I dated) was slightly ugly to me at the time of the break-up. Yet, he doesn't need to call me and say "That's not who I am, you know that right?" I experienced a lot more of the good person in him, the loving person in him, than I did those two tense days of being in the process of breaking up. Plus, he doesn't need to prove to me that he's actually a good person. So that goes for me, too. I don't need to prove anything to him. I know who I am and what I'm about; I don't care if he does. The other situation is a guy I had a relationship with over the summer. (Well, not quite a relationship; we got involved). He'd been a casual friend of mine for three years before we got romantically involved. Well, he hurt me by not wanting to take it further even after we'd gotten physical. But I kept myself in check by not chasing after him even after he rejected me. I did, however, still keep him on my radar. Made sure he knew I still wanted his friendship, kept him as a Facebook friend, we even exchanged some friendly emails every month or so. But I realized recently that even though I'm over him mostly, (got together with the newer guy and liked him more), I still have resentment toward him (the first guy). I recently cut him out of my life completely (unfriended him on FB) as my way of, belatedly, saying "F you." Clearly that is not your style. But what I'm saying is this: there's nothing wrong with saying F you to people. It doesn't have to be a literal F you. I don't think I've ever told a guy "F you." But there's nothing wrong with saying it without saying it. Some people consider it "immature" and "unnecessarily resentful." But the thing is, if you do feel resentment toward the person, or you do think their behavior was unfair or hurtful to you (whether they "meant" to be that way or not), it's often more honest to cut them out. When I unfriended this guy from Facebook, I knew good and well that he may not care, that he might even notice and think, "pffft...so she doesn't like me anymore. Like I care." The point is...I don't care what he thinks of me. That's in large part because I'm truly over the situation. Yet, I still remained annoyed enough by his behaviors (in isolation) to want to get rid of him from my FB world). You know you're over it when you don't care what they think anymore. So when you have this feeling of, "I want her to have a good impression of me," that's you caring. I suggest not caring anymore what she thinks of you. Or continue to work toward that. It's not immature or hostile or mean. There are far more people in the world you don't care about than that you do care about. You wish negative nor positive things on them. The goal is for her to become one of those people about whom you don't care. And you shouldn't be giving her some belated birthday gift either!
Jane2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 And yes, veggirl was one of the ones who gave me the good advice!
Jane2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 My sentence above should read *** you wish neither negative nor positive things on them***
Jane2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Also, another thing I'm purposefully changing with regard to friendships is this: People who hurt me aren't my friends. Certainly, romantic partners who hurt me can't be my friends, even if they have a lot of good qualities in general. It doesn't matter how the hurt happened. Even if was accidental, or I played a part in the hurt occurring, they still can't be my friend. Good friends are much easier to come by than romantic partners. I'd never hold onto an ex on the grounds it would be a pity to throw away a friendship. I'll never give to people who aren't giving to me in pretty much equal amounts. That's another reason why I unfriended that ex of mine. We'd agreed to be friends post break-up, but I was the one who was doing more to keep the friendship. Once that truly dawned on me, I thought...F this. *******. If your ex-g isn't reaching out to you, she doesn't care. Don't be the one pawing after her to make sure things are on good terms. She won't respect you more. She'll likely respect you less!
veggirl Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 You know you're over it when you don't care what they think anymore. So when you have this feeling of, "I want her to have a good impression of me," that's you caring. THIS. times one bazillion! I know you don't agree with NC, but it really really is the best way to go, OP. We ALL have struggled mightly with it, but it truly is the best way to heal and move on. I just don't think you are going to get the "closure" you want from this. If you apologize and smooth things over, or whatever, and she says "it's cool, no worries" then what? Do you really think you will just carry on happily? No, you will then think OMG maybe we can get back together. Or what if she is like "screw you, leave me alone!" ? Then you'll be upset again! I just don't see what good can come out of doing what you are planning. Please think about the LIKELY scenarios. Not the dreamy ~we will catch up for coffee in a year and laugh over old times~ stuff. Please think about what actually will result from this conversation, I just don't think it will be what you want. At all.
lilyblue Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I understand how you feel, and I generally like to leave relationships peaceful as well. It just makes me feel better in life, though maybe I care too much about what others think of me. If you're both good people, just incompatible in a relationship then there isn't a need for animosity. Of course I don't know the in's and out's of your relationship, but I wouldn't see this as a bad move. Sometimes you know what you need for yourself more than others ever could from reading text about your situation. With that said - I think I'd do the letter if I was you. You're not looking for a conversation (if she were to answer the phone, which probably wouldn't happen, I agree with veggirl), leaving a voicemail seems awkward, text doesn't seem right, and a letter just seems more personal than an email. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Author DenumChkn Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 First of all I never said I didn't care, I do care, I just don't care about getting back together with her. I think she is (or at least was) a good person worth knowing and maintaining cordial relations with. When we broke up we talked about getting back together down the line when she is done with school etc. We are just in too different places in life right now. It is not likely but I liked her and cared about her more than any other girl I have met before or since, so why not at least leave it as an option on the back burner? The thing is, if I NEVER contact her and smooth things over, there will be nothing left between us and for whatever reason the thought of that bugs me. Also, I'd dispute the claim that good friends are harder to come by than romantic partners. A REALLY truly good friend who has your back through thick and thin is a rare thing (maybe I'm just hard to be friends with haha). I don't want to apologize, there is nothing for either of us to be sorry about, I just want to know that she doesn't loathe me. If she does and has her mind made up, well that is her own problem. I know her personality though, she is stubborn and won't make a move even if it is what she wants. Thank you to those of you who actually answered my question.. Even though the answers completely contradicted each other haha. I guess it comes down to a phone call or a letter.. Not sure which is better. I won't be acting on these intentions until I have a job lined up and I am getting ready to leave anyway. Thanks for the advice.
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