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Posted

Okay, so this will hopefully be my last thread haha.. I'll give everyone a brief background. We dated for about a year or so, we knew each other for 3 years and had always had a thing. We were so happy together and madly in love until I went traveling for a few months (August-November 2011). Due to my insecurities in the relationship I would constantly fight with her and she got fed up with it and ended it while I was still gone in early Nov. I went no contact until I got home 3 weeks after and we started talking again. I played it cool and took it slow and by Christmas we were kissing, hanging out everyday, and basically a couple again. She said she couldn't wait to start the New Year with me.

 

Right around NYE, she read some old conversations I had with girls while we were not together/talking and heard rumors about me being with another girl right after Christmas. (none of it is true). She had lost trust in me and after New Years we were fighting a lot. About a week into January we got into a huge fight because I asked her what her problem was, we were about to date again and now shes being so cold. We had not kissed in about a week or two now, but have been hanging out everyday.

 

So finally we had a normal conversation 3 days ago, she told me she still loves me so much and is afraid to become attached to me again. (I am leaving again in a few months and will be gone for 3 months and home for 1 week for a year... she is going to a new university this August for sports). So basically she is afraid to commit to me again because she knows we will be so far apart from each other and doesn't want to be heartbroken? Does this sound right?

 

Since this conversation we have not faught once, she texts me first every morning and asks me to hangout everyday still. At night we talk on the phone. This weekend is my birthday, but she has an official visit with the university, so she will not be around. If she does something for me/gets me something it will prove to me she actually cares. What are my options? I love this girl and do not want to lose her, I feel like if I play it cool still she won't be able to resist herself. Somebody help me I am so confused!

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Posted

* sorry for the clutter with the new threads by the way. i don't mean to seem desperate i am just not sure of the forum etiquette! i guess i should just bump my old thread rather than making a new one

Posted

You worry too much! Why did you fight when you were away? Was it because you missed her and were frustrated by the distance? If so, say so! It can't be much fun worrying so much, but seeing as you are both going to be physically apart so much, maybe you need to take each day as it comes and accept what is, rather than projecting it.

 

Enjoy the time you do have together. Keep an open mind about it all. No need to try and pin the tail on the donkey is there?

Posted

i dont know, do you feel its worth the waiting?, youve broke up once, dont you think its better to move on?.

 

it could be rumours or she could be testing you to see if there has been someone else. who cares? you where single. she broke up with you right?.

 

was it really because of insecurity you started to fight with her?, or was it because of the way she acted against you?. if you feel that she did something wrong, dont defend her, stand up for yourself and talk about it.

 

show her that youve changed, dont tell her your going to, because then its gonna feel like you did because she told you to. dont rush things. i can understand why people do this, but its a bad idea. show her that youve changed and let her come reach out to you whenever she feels the time is right.

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Posted

When I was away I would fight with her over anything I could. I guess the only reason I would fight with her is because it still showed me she cared. The only reason I thought she didn't care was because I was so far away and I was so used to being with her 24/7 I didn't know how to handle the distance.

 

We started seeing each other again from the beginning of December and by the end of the month it was amazing. No fights, no problems, nothing. Until she read the old conversations and heard those rumors things changed so much. She still hangs out with me, but just as a friend. No more physical stuff.

 

I don't know how to play this situation off though, I want her as my girlfriend again and it is SO hard to have her as just a friend. I am not just ready to move on though. I am going to stick to letting her talk to me first/ ask me to hangout and just play it cool. Maybe her not seeing me for the weekend since she'll be away will make her miss me a little bit.

Posted
When I was away I would fight with her over anything I could. I guess the only reason I would fight with her is because it still showed me she cared. The only reason I thought she didn't care was because I was so far away and I was so used to being with her 24/7 I didn't know how to handle the distance.

 

We started seeing each other again from the beginning of December and by the end of the month it was amazing. No fights, no problems, nothing. Until she read the old conversations and heard those rumors things changed so much. She still hangs out with me, but just as a friend. No more physical stuff.

 

I don't know how to play this situation off though, I want her as my girlfriend again and it is SO hard to have her as just a friend. I am not just ready to move on though. I am going to stick to letting her talk to me first/ ask me to hangout and just play it cool. Maybe her not seeing me for the weekend since she'll be away will make her miss me a little bit.

 

 

yeah that sounds good.. no matter what you did, dont tell her that you will change or that you have. just be yourself and prove it. does she know the the distance made you act like that?, i mean if youve told her i think she will reach out when the time is right.

Posted

You have yet to address how you would deal with the distance again since you are leaving again and she is going away soon too. Won't the same insecurities pop up? The same fights, the same problems, the same concerns. You want the instant gratification of having her back, but what is the long term game plan if she does say she wants to try again?

 

All you need to do is be honest but not desperate. People seem to think the two are inseperable, as if telling someone how you feel will make you appear too desperate. It certainly can, if you lay it on way too thick. Be honest with what you want to happen, just don't be pushy. You can't expect a good result if you think being mysterious and acting indifferent is going to help.

 

Good luck but please ask yourself how you would handle the distance again. This situation seems like the perfect storm to be one of those stories where two people get back together and are so overwhelmingly happy but in a matter of weeks or months the same stuff tears them apart. You guys would need a very strong game plan to prevent the same issues, an agreement on when and how you will communicate, how you will stay in touch, how you will trust each other, etc.

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Posted (edited)

Yup, she definitely knows it was the distance. We already talked about that and how I could have just enjoyed traveling and surfing rather than being so clingy and needy for her. Also, I had been myself that is why things were so good again and we were so close to dating again.

 

After she heard those rumors, she got cold for a week and we faught that whole week. Since that week we have not kissed, slept with each other, or been intimate. We still hang out everyday though, but she asks me too hangout.

 

I believe that she still wants me, but since I was fighting with her about being cold and not getting back with me I took a HUGE step backwards. I believe I have to be not clingy and make her miss me a little bit by not seeing her, but staying in contact. Sounds about right or any other advice?

 

@exit- Oh ya if I get another chance dating her I will handle it so much differently. I wish I saw what I was doing wrong in the first place to prevent the breakup. During the whole relationship I had no "me" time. We spent every hour together, ate every meal together, went to every event together, gym together, surfed together, beach together, sleep overs everynight.. We were so attached that we did not know how to handle the distance (I was supposed to be gone for 7 months, but cut my trip early after the breakup). If I get another shot I will definitely focus on more "me" time rather than being with her 24/7. Instead of acting on impulse and emotion I now act on logic and think before I say something.

Edited by petergriffin
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Posted

Well, she is at a universityfor the weekend and I have noy heard from her at all. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't hear from her. Kind of sucks, but it makes me realize she obviously does not care for me like she used too. I'll keep minimal contact but will not contact her first or spend time with her

Posted

Even if people are broken up for months, sometimes they still contact the other on their birthday. The fact she didn't tells you everything you need to know.

Posted

i dont know how youre feeling right now, but i would strongly recommend to move on. she will contact you if she want you back. i have done the mistake by waiting, and many others in here to. its just a bad idea trying to figure out what goes through a womans mind. just because youre moving on doesnt make her love you less. its just your way to feel better and you will have some distance to make her miss you. so focus on yourself, if she comes back youre stronger then ever and you will have a greater chance of keeping her.

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Posted

So last night she just showed up at my place claiming her phone broke.. Anyay she was very flirty and all touchy.. We watched the game. Today she picked me up from Class and I was at her house all day. No kissing or anythigng, very confused! I am going to continue to play it cool.. btw she seemed very annoyed I spent my day with another girl (nothing happened)

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Posted

well she told me she doesnt want anyrhing more than friends. she draged me on for the last two months! she said she doesnt want to get more attached ( even tho she already is considering she asks me to hamg everyday ) because we are both going on different paths in lives. i guarantee shell try and talk to me/hang out, but i am going STRICT no contact

Posted
well she told me she doesnt want anyrhing more than friends. she draged me on for the last two months! she said she doesnt want to get more attached ( even tho she already is considering she asks me to hamg everyday ) because we are both going on different paths in lives. i guarantee shell try and talk to me/hang out, but i am going STRICT no contact

 

 

thats just bad behavior. i mean she must realize youre not going to hang out with her as friends. yes no contact. if she wants anything its up to her showing it.

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