headsinclouds Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I've been dating this lovely guy for the last 2 months and we became exclusive 2 weeks ago. He's a "nice guy," attractive, intelligent, funny, we share a lot of common interests, etc. He's kinda introverted but he's also a musician. I prefer someone who is a bit more social but love that we share so many interests as well as the creative aspect. He respects me and cares about me. We have great sex, he takes me out on dinner dates, gives me back rubs, took care of me when I was sick, etc. Here's my problem. I've had terrible luck the last few years with men and had been single (as in, not a committed relationship) for 4 years. I've dated many men in between but started a pattern where I'm attracted to unavailable men. I'm in my mid 30's, so this is ridiculous. There was one guy in particular (you can read about him in my past threads) who I was FWB off and on for about a year. I'm not friends with him anymore and don't contact him. My boyfriend and I went out the other night and I ran into the ex-FWB. He came up to me and seemed all excited and was talking to me, and said how good it was to see me and was caressing my arm. He was obviously hanging out with a woman. I started feeling weird after that and my boyfriend sensed that something was amiss, so I stupidly admitted I have lingering feelings for the FWB but I assured him that I cared about him and I had no intentions of being friends with the ex-FWB ever again. To make matters worse, now I have upset my boyfriend and he is overcompensating by groveling and acting really clingy. This isn't helping the situation because I am trying to accept that I deserve happiness and acceptance in a relationship and not some unavailable man who will string me along. I'm starting to lose attraction for my boyfriend because he is acting that way. I also know it's not fair to compare the intensity of attraction I felt for the other guy to him. We were doing just fine until I ran into this jerk. Someone please give me advice.
FitChick Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 To make matters worse, now I have upset my boyfriend and he is overcompensating by groveling and acting really clingy. This isn't helping the situation because I am trying to accept that I deserve happiness and acceptance in a relationship and not some unavailable man who will string me along. I'm starting to lose attraction for my boyfriend because he is acting that way. You are contradicting yourself. You say you want happiness and acceptance yet you dismiss your boyfriend for trying to make you happy by showing he really cares for you. You call it being clingy and groveling. That tells me you still only want unavailable men because there must be something wrong with any man who wants YOU.
TheFinalWord Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I've been dating this lovely guy for the last 2 months and we became exclusive 2 weeks ago. He's a "nice guy," attractive, intelligent, funny, we share a lot of common interests, etc. He's kinda introverted but he's also a musician. I prefer someone who is a bit more social but love that we share so many interests as well as the creative aspect. He respects me and cares about me. We have great sex, he takes me out on dinner dates, gives me back rubs, took care of me when I was sick, etc. Here's my problem. I've had terrible luck the last few years with men and had been single (as in, not a committed relationship) for 4 years. I've dated many men in between but started a pattern where I'm attracted to unavailable men. I'm in my mid 30's, so this is ridiculous. There was one guy in particular (you can read about him in my past threads) who I was FWB off and on for about a year. I'm not friends with him anymore and don't contact him. My boyfriend and I went out the other night and I ran into the ex-FWB. He came up to me and seemed all excited and was talking to me, and said how good it was to see me and was caressing my arm. He was obviously hanging out with a woman. I started feeling weird after that and my boyfriend sensed that something was amiss, so I stupidly admitted I have lingering feelings for the FWB but I assured him that I cared about him and I had no intentions of being friends with the ex-FWB ever again. To make matters worse, now I have upset my boyfriend and he is overcompensating by groveling and acting really clingy. This isn't helping the situation because I am trying to accept that I deserve happiness and acceptance in a relationship and not some unavailable man who will string me along. I'm starting to lose attraction for my boyfriend because he is acting that way. I also know it's not fair to compare the intensity of attraction I felt for the other guy to him. We were doing just fine until I ran into this jerk. Someone please give me advice. Yeah, he's going to feel awkward after that. You should have completely ignored the ex. That guy is not just unavailable, he's a player. Reverse the roles...how would you feel if a hot girl came up to him and started flirting and he said "yeah I used to hit that, I still care about her, but as long as you stick around I won't go back". That's probably not what you intended for him to think, but that's what I would think if I was him. If you tend to go for men that treat you disrespectfully, there is no advice we can give on an internet forum. That has to do with how you view yourself. If this is a recurring pattern I would get professional help. Don't worry about his behaviors right now, worry about your own.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 You may need counseling for commitment issues. The only one that's sabotaging the relationship is you, not the ex FWB. You're scared to fall in love because secretly you have trust issues. As FitChick has said, you do have problems with men who wants you... what are you so scared of? It's bad if you still want to play the " game " in your thirties.
TheFinalWord Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I was also going to add that as far as your current ex, he feels threatened by the situation. Every guy reacts differently to jealousy (I would probably leave you!). So just be glad he's showing any affection towards you right now. Instead of focusing on him, I would start with yourself! Good luck.
Author headsinclouds Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Hi, I don't know if I'm making myself clear because I haven't described any of the clingy behavior. I feel like I have bounced from one extreme to the other. My boyfriend is great but he does clingy things like: *texting me within 1 minute after I text him *follows me around my house to the point where he even opened the door when I was in the bathroom once *telling me I'm sexy and beautiful about 10 times a day He's not like this all the time, but when he does the above (ok, just the last two) it makes me want to jump up and run away. I did go through counseling for some of my relationship issues and worked on myself for quite some time before dating again. Any more insight would be appreciated...
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It was already awkward enough for your BF to see you interacting with your ex-FWB...why on earth would you admit that you still have feelings for him? This can only cause bad things, and if it's really the case, maybe you are the emotionally unavailable one. If the tables were turned and my boyfriend did something like this I'd be seriously reconsidering our relationship.
FitChick Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 My boyfriend is great but he does clingy things like: *texting me within 1 minute after I text him *follows me around my house to the point where he even opened the door when I was in the bathroom once *telling me I'm sexy and beautiful about 10 times a day He's not like this all the time, but when he does the above (ok, just the last two) it makes me want to jump up and run away. Strange, but there are lots of women on this forum who would love a guy like that. Instead, their guys ignore them on their birthday, break dates, have sex with their friends, don't answer calls and emails for days, etc. Maybe one of those women would like to trade?
TheFinalWord Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Yeah he does that b/c he doesn't know how to react. He has given you his heart and some other guys has given you nothing and can get the same benefits from you. You've devalued your own relationship from his perspective. He perceived you as a great prize, now you've tarnished that image. What is he supposed to think? Some random guy that could care less about you can have no strings attached sex with you (FWB is a politically correct word for free sex) anytime he wants and you have feelings for him. What value do you think he feels right now? Not much. You crushed his self-esteem. He has put his heart into you and this random guy can have you anytime he wants. As far as those behaviors, everyone reacts differently to jealousy and fear. Most guys would blow up! I would just leave you. So at least this guy is trying to process everything. Have you tried talking to him? I don't think this problem will just go away.
DepressedinDenver Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Dump him sooner rather than later. Thanks.
chelsea2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Yeah he does that b/c he doesn't know how to react. He has given you his heart and some other guys has given you nothing and can get the same benefits from you. You've devalued your own relationship from his perspective. He perceived you as a great prize, now you've tarnished that image. What is he supposed to think? Some random guy that could care less about you can have no strings attached sex with you (FWB is a politically correct word for free sex) anytime he wants and you have feelings for him. What value do you think he feels right now? Not much. You crushed his self-esteem. He has put his heart into you and this random guy can have you anytime he wants. As far as those behaviors, everyone reacts differently to jealousy and fear. Most guys would blow up! I would just leave you. So at least this guy is trying to process everything. Have you tried talking to him? I don't think this problem will just go away. ^^^ This. OP, your actions set this ball rolling and now the poor guy is reacting because the foundation he was standing on, now feels cracked. Cut the guy a break; he is only responding to what has been presented to him. You are taking absolutely no responsibility for the hurt YOUR actions caused. Everyone is right and you shouldn't be criticizing the guy; you should be trying to find a way to resolve the uproar caused by your actions. From reading your responses, it looks like you are trying to shift the blame to him and he did absolutely nothing wrong. Perhaps you feel like you are not worthy of a healthy relationship? The answer lies within you. Figure out why YOU made bad dating choices in the past and go from there. The choices you make ultimately reflect how you are feeling about yourself on the inside. Don't blame or pick this guy apart; he is having a very normal reaction to the situation. Actually, you are lucky he is sticking around; a lot of guys would have said sayanara. And guys know immediately, when meeting a guy, whether or not he has slept with the woman he is with.
Author headsinclouds Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 Wow, ok, I'm not understanding what I did wrong. I ran into an ex, was cordial to him when he talked to me, then walked away when he started touching me. I did admit that I still had lingering feelings for him because we openly discuss these types of things. He already knew about this guy. I already knew about the girl before me that treated him the same way this guy treated me. Any more castigation?
MGD3 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 You are not really into the guy to begin with, he is too nice and easy for you. Just go back to the jerk and be unhappy. I can't believe returning a text in a minute or less would be considered as clingy by a woman. That is straight garbage. That is why jerks thrive with women because of attitudes like this, that a man cannot be easy to get along with, reliable and really into his woman of choice. You get what you deserve messing with aholes and jerks.
ThaWholigan Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I'm not going to be judgmental about this post, the damage was already done when you talked to the ex, but you did that, it's gone now in the past. When you described that he was clingy, I couldn't help but think of all the stuff I used to read in those PUA books about guys who do stuff like this and get dumped all the time..... I read that women obviously appreciate the nice and romantic, sappy stuff that guys do, but when they lay it on really thick, especially after a woman does something questionable, it can be a turn off. This made sense to me, with all the guys who got dumped that I knew, it was either because they cheated, or they were too nice. Two extremes it seems. In my honest and humble opinion, I think this guy did not know how to handle that situation correctly in this case, and his subsequent behavior, although brought on by your actions, has made this situation a tad worse off. He should either have done 2 things: not reacted, or made his case in a calm manner. In future, you shouldn't tell your boyfriend that you still have feelings for your ex, that's asking for trouble of some kind.
Almond_Joy Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Wow, ok, I'm not understanding what I did wrong. I ran into an ex, was cordial to him when he talked to me, then walked away when he started touching me. I did admit that I still had lingering feelings for him because we openly discuss these types of things. He already knew about this guy. I already knew about the girl before me that treated him the same way this guy treated me. Any more castigation? I really appreciate honest open communication too, and I've talked to my boyfriend about my exes too. But telling the man you're with that you have feelings for someone else just seems belittling to the relationship you're currently in. If my boyfriend told me he still had feelings for an ex and witnessed them in contact with each other, especially since the relationship is so new, I'd start acting wierd too. With only 2 weeks of being exclusive under your belt, your admission of lingering feelings is a threat to the relationship in his eye, I would think. I mean, it took you guys a month and a half to agree that you don't want to see anybody else, and then 2 weeks in you say offhand that you still have feelings for someone else? If I was in your bf's shoes, hearing that would be really discouraging. You guys haven't been together long enough for him to know that you won't leave. I think your bf's giving you more attention because he thinks that will eradicate your lingering feelings for your ex. If his behavior's not doing that, tell him. But honestly, it doesn't seem likely that he's going to be at ease with this any time soon. It doesn't sound like you've talked to him about the change in his behavior you've noticed, either. Maybe talking about the worries he's having that are spurring the behavior would help. But if you don't see what's wrong or hurtful about telling your bf you have feelings for someone else, it's gonna be rough for your bf to be confident in the depth of your loyalty to him. Good luck.
TheFinalWord Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Any more castigation? Well, I don't mean to come across as castigating...I think it is just some lost intent when you are writing on a discussion forum. I am just trying to provide you with your bf's perspective, which I think is what you asked for. You act kind of nonchalant about it, but it is not just a light issue to your bf, as indicated by what you said about his new behaviors. If you don't want him to be clingy, try talking to him. I am also saying he is a good guy for sticking around through this. You've only dated 2 months. It's not like you've been together 2 years. So, if he sees a major red flag chances are he will bail. Most guys would not stick around if this was happening so early on, so that should give you some insight that he must really feel strong for you. That should be comforting you, not making you less attracted to him. I know you can't help attraction, but these are characteristics that your other exes have not shown you. I'm sure he knows you've made a mistake, but you have to tell him clearly that you do not have feelings for this guy and he has nothing to worry about. If you want to fix this act fast. Tell him clearly that this guy means nothing, you were just shocked by seeing him and maybe a bit embarrassed, but he has nothing to worry about. Just my advice. Not trying to be harsh, just giving you a guys perspective!
chelsea2011 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) Headintheclouds said: overcompensating by groveling and acting really clingy. This isn't helping the situation because I am trying to accept that I deserve happiness and acceptance in a relationship and not some unavailable man who will string me along. Okay, first of all, you have to realize that what you posted above is not your bf's problem; it's yours. He is simply a guy, in your life, that is trying to show you that he is interested in you. How is it his problem that you are struggling with accepting that you deserve happiness and acceptance in a relationship? He didn't create that problem. If that is what your going through then you need to be honest with him and tell him you need space to figure this out. In a sense, you are stringing this guy along much like your FWB did you. See what I'm getting at here? You are not over how you have been treated and as a result, you are projecting it onto this guy. He is simply reacting to your admission and is not sure what to do because he is falling for you. Instead of getting annoyed with your bf, you should be honest with him and tell him you need some time alone to get over your past. Don't drag him into something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with him. This is your baggage not his. Don't make him suffer while you are frustrated with the choices you made. He is just a new person in your life that is interested in getting to know you. Either talk to him and tell him what you have said here and work to resolve it with him or cut him loose. Edited January 20, 2012 by chelsea2011
RecordProducer Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) I think you're not into your boyfriend and the ex-FWB brought that truth to the surface. I am concluding that based on your statements: I've been dating this lovely guy Lovely guy? He's a "nice guy," Okay. I prefer someone who is a bit more social The way you phrased this meant: I prefer someone... else. Here's my problem. I've had terrible luck the last few years with men I've dated many men in between but started a pattern where I'm attracted to unavailable men. I'm in my mid 30's, so this is ridiculous. This is very typical of us mid-30s women. When I was younger I knew what I wanted. I either didn't find it or wanted the wrong thing, but I knew. As time goes by, we start feeling desperate and try to reconcile reality with our dreams. We try to imagine the best realistic man and we struggle creating his image, so we resort to trial and error. We use the check point system to persuade ourselves that this is "it" when we know it's not. My advice, if you don't want this guy, don't waste your time with him. His clinginess also tells me he feels that he likes you more than you like him. If you don't want to breakup, just give it a time, enjoy your relationship and re-evaluate it later. Don't feel so pressured to get an answer right now. Butwhen you want the answer, ask your heart, not your list of traits. I stupidly admitted I have lingering feelings for the FWB Sabotage! I'm starting to lose attraction for my boyfriend because he is acting that way. I also know it's not fair to compare the intensity of attraction I felt for the other guy to him. We were doing just fine until I ran into this jerk. This speaks for itself. Somewhere between a sexy jerk and a clingy schmuck, there's true love and passion. Don't settle for the other extreme either. Edited January 20, 2012 by RecordProducer
SJC2008 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 If you heard a rumor at work that you were about to get canned you'd start behaving in a jiffy. He's overcompensating because you told him you have feelings for the ex fwb. Now you have the ball$ to call him clingy! WTF. Answering a text within a minute? Get a life. I'll give you the other two but you created the problem. If you want to salvage the problem woman up and tell him you were wrong and you feel you caused a change in his behavior which is annoying you and reassure him you want to be with him (if you do).
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I think you do not like your current bf. It seems like you're giving weak excuses why it's his fault when it isn't. My advice is to break up with him as that's what you seem to want.
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