Feelsgoodman Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Of course it was men who invented it because if it was up to women, they would certainly prefer to have a huge fancy dinner paid for by the man even for the first get-to-know meet-up. Just like it was women who 'invented' waiting for sex because if it was up to men, they would certainly prefer to have sex with the woman they are attracted to even before any date took place. LMAO So you pretended to offer to buy him a coffee just to be polite? You are no less cheap than he is. The guy was sitting there with own full cup and the OP offered to buy him one? How generous of her! What was he going to do - sit their double fisting his coffees? It's kind of like offering someone a ride when you know he's driving. I get a sense that the guy was pretty ambivalent about meeting the OP to begin with (hence, not asking for her number and scheduling the "date" during his lunch break).
Author Twos Company Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 In any case, I think she said something off-putting that made him want to leave abruptly. She's probably not telling us what negative thing she did to turn him off. Weird how it can be turned around to mean I must have said something...the convo was light and fine, I don't believe I turned him off at all, I believe he needed to get back to work and really had to go, it's the way he did it. As for meeting generous, mannerly guys but still being single, unfortunately, there needs to be a spark or feeling of some sort for either one to want to take it further....but both should treat the date with decency and respect, not leave them feeling like a piece of meat they had come to inspect.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Weird how it can be turned around to mean I must have said something...the convo was light and fine, I don't believe I turned him off at all, I believe he needed to get back to work and really had to go, it's the way he did it. How do you know you didn't turn him off? For the first 15 minutes you were mainly think about him not offering to pay. Then for the remaining 15 minutes you were fuming about him not paying. For 30 minutes, your mind was elsewhere. It's not fun to talk to a distracted person and you probably turned him off that way. As for meeting generous, mannerly guys but still being single, unfortunately, there needs to be a spark or feeling of some sort for either one to want to take it further....but both should treat the date with decency and respect, not leave them feeling like a piece of meat they had come to inspect. So this "spark or feeling of some sort" is what's needed to take something further. That means men being generous doesn't make any difference in whether you wish to have a relationship with them. So why are you making a big deal over this guy not being "mannerly"?
soserious1 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 As for meeting generous, mannerly guys but still being single, unfortunately, there needs to be a spark or feeling of some sort for either one to want to take it further....but both should treat the date with decency and respect, not leave them feeling like a piece of meat they had come to inspect. But that is exactly what the 1st meeting in real time is, you are coming to inspect the person you've been chatting with on an old site, you're coming to see if they are physically attractive enough to warrant a further investment of your time.
Cypress25 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 But that is exactly what the 1st meeting in real time is, you are coming to inspect the person you've been chatting with on an old site, you're coming to see if they are physically attractive enough to warrant a further investment of your time. Actually, the whole point of meeting in person is to see if you are compatible in terms of personality and conversation styles. If we met through OLD, I've already seen his pictures, so I already know if he's physically attractive. I'm not going on a date to make sure he's as attractive as his photos, I'm going on a date to see if I can enjoy a real live conversation with him. I want to see if he's interesting to talk to and fun to be with. If so, that warrants further investment of my time. It's obnoxious to approach a first date as a mere inspection of the other person's physical attributes. You're supposed to be chatting and getting to know each other on a first date, not just taking a cursory glance to determine physical attraction. The impression I'm getting from some of the guys in this thread is that they don't even have to be nice to the girl unless she's pretty enough to make it worth the effort. The whole "Why should I be nice to a girl I just met?" attitude is pretty sick. Expecting your date to be nice to you means you have a sense of entitlement, apparently.
PhillyDude Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 What you think being female entitles you to a free sandwich and a drink? I guess I could see you being pissed if to meet him you had to drive a ways out of your way and he didn't. But even then.... Many of us men who have done OLD have gone on dates where we bought the girl drinks and/or food for women who turned out to be uninterested. If these women had gotten their own sandwich/drink instead, we wouldn't have complained, even if they didn't offer to buy us a coffee. You see females have that "magical hole" that makes them feel entitled. LOL
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Are you joking or is this a serious post? Lemme get this straight: if a guy offers to buy you food, you say no, he orders food for himself, you still expect him to share his food with you? I seriously hope that's a joke post. Otherwise, I can easily see why all those guys who wasted a dinner on you never called you back. Something about your personality turned them off.No, it wasn't like that. He invited me for a drink to a bar. As soon as we sat down, he asked if I wanted to eat. I thought he was not going to eat, so it would've been stupid if I said YES. Then he said "Well, I have to eat," and never offered me to eat. When he ordered the appetizer, I took a few fries (the waiter had put them in the middle) and he just ate the whole thing (except for me nibbling on like 5 fries). He saw I was eating, never once asked if I wanted anything else - even when he ordered a second portion for himself. Obviously, it was a money thing for him, and that's okay. I could've ordered and paid for myself, but I was on a diet. The guy was also 20 min late and very weird altogether.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 It's obnoxious to approach a first date as a mere inspection of the other person's physical attributes. You're supposed to be chatting and getting to know each other on a first date, not just taking a cursory glance to determine physical attraction. The OP didn't seem too interested in getting to know him. For the first 15 minutes she was just thinking about when he would buy her coffee. For the next 15 minutes she was fuming that she paid for it herself. She wasn't a good date. The impression I'm getting from some of the guys in this thread is that they don't even have to be nice to the girl unless she's pretty enough to make it worth the effort. The whole "Why should I be nice to a girl I just met?" attitude is pretty sick. Expecting your date to be nice to you means you have a sense of entitlement, apparently. According to you and the OP, a nice date = men paying for women. That is entitlement.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 No, it wasn't like that. He invited me for a drink to a bar. As soon as we sat down, he asked if I wanted to eat. I thought he was not going to eat, so it would've been stupid if I said YES. Then he said "Well, I have to eat," and never offered me to eat. When he ordered the appetizer, I took a few fries (the waiter had put them in the middle) and he just ate the whole thing (except for me nibbling on like 5 fries). He saw I was eating, never once asked if I wanted anything else - even when he ordered a second portion for himself. Obviously, it was a money thing for him, and that's okay. I could've ordered and paid for myself, but I was on a diet. The guy was also 20 min late and very weird altogether. In your first post, you said you were starving. If you were starving, it wouldn't have mattered if he was going to eat or not. Even when you're starving, do you only eat food when other people eat with you? What gave you the idea that he was only going to buy food for you and none for himself? I don't see what he did wrong here. He offered you food, you declined, so he ate for himself. If you suddenly changed your mind, why didn't you speak up? Is he supposed to read your mind? It's likely he wasn't 20 mins late on purpose. He ate two portions of his food. That says whatever delayed him caused him to miss dinner. Lastly, if you could have paid for yourself and you were on a diet, why are you so mad about him not giving you food off his plate? You shouldn't have been eating fries with 3 different kinds of sauce anyway.
soserious1 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Actually, the whole point of meeting in person is to see if you are compatible in terms of personality and conversation styles. If we met through OLD, I've already seen his pictures, so I already know if he's physically attractive. I'm not going on a date to make sure he's as attractive as his photos, I'm going on a date to see if I can enjoy a real live conversation with him. I want to see if he's interesting to talk to and fun to be with. If so, that warrants further investment of my time. It's obnoxious to approach a first date as a mere inspection of the other person's physical attributes. You're supposed to be chatting and getting to know each other on a first date, not just taking a cursory glance to determine physical attraction. The impression I'm getting from some of the guys in this thread is that they don't even have to be nice to the girl unless she's pretty enough to make it worth the effort. The whole "Why should I be nice to a girl I just met?" attitude is pretty sick. Expecting your date to be nice to you means you have a sense of entitlement, apparently. I'm sorry but pictures posted on OLD sites are often quite misleading due to the age of the photo, contrived lighting & trick angles. Don't kid yourself, the 1st meeting is primarily to size the other person up to decide if they are physically attractive enough to spend anymore of your time in pursuing a relationship with that person. In terms of entitlement, you are the one who comes across as entitled,sitting there with no coffee or food for 15 minutes? hinting at him that you'd like a coffee? sitting there waiting even longer before finally getting up and buying a cup for yourself? And no, a guy you meet from an OLD is under no obligation to "be nice" to you by purchasing anything for you... not even a cup of coffee.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) I agree that his manners left something to be desired. Standing to greet you is basic politeness. So is taking an extra 60 seconds to end the date so it didn't seem so abrupt. But OP ought to realize that guys have endured much worse than that. I mean, we don't have anything to gripe about whatsoever, comparatively speaking, as long as she actually showed and we didn't get stuck paying for someone else's meal. Someone who has no interest in seeing us again, and who will very often just not even give us the respect of a response back. Edited January 21, 2012 by Imajerk17
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) In your first post, you said you were starving. If you were starving, it wouldn't have mattered if he was going to eat or not. Even when you're starving, do you only eat food when other people eat with you? Okay, now you're asking stupid questions. I don't eat on dates if I am invited to a drink. I was starving because I was on a diet, but watching someone eat in front of me was not part of the plan. What gave you the idea that he was only going to buy food for you and none for himself? I thought he didn't plan to eat, but asked merely out of politeness if I wanted to eat. As I said, that wasn't the plan. He could've asked me when he ordered or offered to share the appetizers. He was rude, period. I don't see what he did wrong here. He offered you food, you declined, so he ate for himself. No, you don't eat alone on a date. That's rude also!!!!!! If you suddenly changed your mind, why didn't you speak up? Is he supposed to read your mind? He's supposed to read a good manners manual for idiots. It's likely he wasn't 20 mins late on purpose. He ate two portions of his food. That says whatever delayed him caused him to miss dinner. Why he was hungry is beyond the point. I don't see why you're hair-splitting here. Your tit-for-tat thinking is annoying. Lastly, if you could have paid for yourself and you were on a diet, why are you so mad about him not giving you food off his plate? You shouldn't have been eating fries with 3 different kinds of sauce anyway. :laugh: The sauce was for the chicken nuggets, I suppose. Is this how you normally communicate with people, Oxy? If your date tells you the restaurant bathroom's not clean, you ask them for a thorough report in the tiniest detail and then go back and forth about it with them? Edited January 21, 2012 by RecordProducer
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 RecordProducer, I don't see what he did wrong. You went on the date thinking it was only drinks. When he offered to buy you food, the first thing that clicks in most people's mind would have been, "Oh, so he wants to drink and eat." Apparently, the obvious didn't click in your mind. In addition, you were on a diet and you were comfortable paying for yourself. So him paying for you wasn't necessary. Yet you're still complaining about it.
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 RecordProducer, I don't see what he did wrong. You went on the date thinking it was only drinks. When he offered to buy you food, the first thing that clicks in most people's mind would have been, "Oh, so he wants to drink and eat." Apparently, the obvious didn't click in your mind. In addition, you were on a diet and you were comfortable paying for yourself. So him paying for you wasn't necessary. Yet you're still complaining about it. You're talking about food and I am talking about the date. He sucked. The food "misunderstanding" was just part of the mis-match. He didn't even apologize for being late!
carhill Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Now, I really don't want to see him again, that's not the point, but I feel like sending him a piece of my mind for being so goddam cheap and rude. Really just need to get it off my chest, but probably wont really . What do you guys think? I feel he treated me so disrespectfully...I'm seeing red! LOL, yeah I know that red part. OK, his style definitely wasn't the gentlemanly style you apparently prefer, so no go there. You and he missed. It's really no more complicated than that. You met online so you were essentially strangers. I've met a lot of ladies from OLD for such first dates, and similar from phone and paper ads prior to that. I'm sure my 'old-fashioned' style of interacting rubbed some of them the wrong way. In fact, over the years I've heard just that from a few. It's all part of meeting and greeting. Some hits; some misses. Life goes on. Hope the next one is better
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 OP, you're date was rude. Unfortunetly, alot of people, men and women, are today.But it's not neccesary to email him back to tell him that. Don't let your peace of mind on this issue be determined by him. He will discover this on his own when he finally has gone out on enough dates where women aren't interested in a second one. He will tell himself for a long time that, "Woo, good thing I didn't spend that $2.00 on a cup of coffee because she was just after a free ticket." He will reinforce his own negative feelings toward women without ever having the emotional intelligence for some self review in how possibly his actions could have lead to his own outcome. But maybe, years later, have a bunch of unsuccessful dates, he will finally say, "Gee, maybe I'm not doing something right here." You see females have that "magical hole" that makes them feel entitled. LOL Being a female, I can tell you that I have no "magical hole". I have a mind, I have a spirit, I have a body. But nothing on my body is simply a "hole". And when grown men refer to parts of women's bodies as "holes", it's both creepy and disturbing. But pray continue with your ironic use of explaining how *you* think women are entitled as you talk about women in one of the most disparging ways I ever heard.
Els Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I don't think he's rude for not buying you a coffee. A lot of men would've waited for you to order and get one, sure, but I don't see the fuss. I do think you were odd to say, "I fancy a coffee," and then look at him expectantly. I do think he was odd to schedule it during his lunch break. I do think he was rude to end it abruptly, when you were still having your drink without at least a 10 minute or time warning. I do think it's weird he doesn't have your number. Doesn't sound like either of you are that into it, so I say just wrap it up. No need for a message. It's scary how I formulated this exact response after reading your OP, then realized zengirl had gotten there first.
musemaj11 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) Why are women so calculating about money when it comes to dating? Its like its even such a huge freakin' deal that they have to buy their own freakin' $2 cup of coffee. I agree. It doesn't make sense to spend $50-60 a few times a month on women you'll never see again, while the women get to spend a few bucks for gas only. Most women won't even see a guy unless he is going to pick her up in his own car in the first place. Personally as a man I dont support equal employment opportunity for women because men are a lot more disadvantaged financially in society. Edited January 21, 2012 by musemaj11
PhillyDude Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 OP In the future if a guy is rude to you on a 1st meet and greet and ends the date early, that means he is not attracted to you.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Why are women so calculating about money when it comes to dating? Its like its even such a huge freakin' deal that they have to buy their own freakin' $2 cup of coffee. Women apparently aren't the only ones that are calculating about money. Since sometimes men take issue with having to spend $2.00 on a woman themselves. If two dollars isn't a big deal, then why wouldn't a man just show a little thoughtfulness and just buy her a coffee? Next time I cook dinner for a man and buy the groceries, do you think I should leave a recipt for him on the table before he leaves for the night?
musemaj11 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) Women apparently aren't the only ones that are calculating about money. Since sometimes men take issue with having to spend $2.00 on a woman themselves. If two dollars isn't a big deal, then why wouldn't a man just show a little thoughtfulness and just buy her a coffee? Yes, in a way its calculating as well. But nothing is more calculating than being upset at having to pay for YOUR OWN FREAKIN' COFFEE THAT YOU CONSUME YOURSELF! I mean men simply dont want to pay for someone else's share. But women dont even want to pay for their own share! Thats like cheapness taken to another level! LOL Next time I cook dinner for a man and buy the groceries, do you think I should leave a recipt for him on the table before he leaves for the night?Why should he pay for the dinner? Chances are the money he has spent on taking you out on dates and on the gas to drive you around is more than enough to compensate for the cost of your 'cooking'. Edited January 21, 2012 by musemaj11
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Being a female, I can tell you that I have no "magical hole". I have a mind, I have a spirit, I have a body. But nothing on my body is simply a "hole". And when grown men refer to parts of women's bodies as "holes", it's both creepy and disturbing. But pray continue with your ironic use of explaining how *you* think women are entitled as you talk about women in one of the most disparging ways I ever heard.He didn't say "hole" - he said "magical hole." He doesn't refer to women as "holes," he obviously acknowledges the fact that men are willing to do anything for the (sexual) attraction of a woman. I don't think we're much different: we do a lot to attract the attention of the "magical wand," too. Of course, we all want serious relationships, not just sex (or most of us), but without the sexual attraction and the magical hole/wand, everything loses sense. I agree with what you said; I just wanted to point out that his referring to a woman as having a magical hole is not neccesarily as disturbing as it sounds. They fall in love with that very hole, too.
Recommended Posts