Twos Company Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I went on a first date yesterday lunchtime with a guy from online. He suggested meeting lunchtime at a burger place. I get there exactly on time and wait outside. A few minutes pass and I see no sign of him. I happen to look in the window and there he is sitting in the burger bar, he waves to me, doesn't get up or anything, so I have to walk in and approach him. He already has a coffee, we start chatting. About 15 minutes in I'm still without a drink, he doesn't offer, so I say, I fancy a coffee..he points to his drink and says 'oh sorry, I already got one'. I hesitate thinking he was going to offer to buy me one but nothing. I then went to get myself a drink and offer him one (he's got a full cup!) just being polite, but he declines. Then after about 30 minutes he gets up says he has to go back to the office (he was on his lunch break) never waits for me to finish my drink or anything. I get up and we walk out together. He says 'anyway, send me a message or something'. (he doesn't have my number but I have his) I go online a bit later and he's logged on. Now, I really don't want to see him again, that's not the point, but I feel like sending him a piece of my mind for being so goddam cheap and rude. Really just need to get it off my chest, but probably wont really . What do you guys think? I feel he treated me so disrespectfully...I'm seeing red!
bean1 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Well, if you do, you might see a thread on here tomorrow about some moneygrubbin' you-know-what girl.... But no, don't do it. First, you're meeting up with him on his lunch break - that sort of implies the expectation that this isn't a date at all, and therefore no expectation of him buying you a drink/meal or whatever (and of course, whether or not it was his duty to do so in the first place is a whole other argument that could go on for 10 pages). If a guy wants to meet up with you for the first time on his work lunch break (his idea?) then tbh, he's not very interested in wining & dining you in the first place. Insist on a real date in the future.
ditzchic Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Yeah that sounds like a crappy date. I wouldn't say anything to him about it though. It's not your job to fix his manners for the next girl that comes along. Just leave it be. He'll realize after awhile that girl's aren't picking up what he's putting down.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 This feels like a rerun of the recent "should men be expected to pay for women's food on dates" thread. I'd definitely tell him what ticked you off. If he's an men-and-women are equal kind of guy, he probably won't care that much, yet knowing how you felt would still be useful to him. Worst thing I saw in your description was him scheduling the meet during a lunch break where his time would be so limited, but eh, it's not that bad for a very first meet, he may have done it to intentionally keep the first meet short, which can be ideal when you have no idea whether you'll have any attraction to the other person.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Insist on a real date in the future. First meets from an online introduction shouldn't be "real" dates because half the time one person or the other knows within the first minute that they're not attracted to the other person, at which point the rest of the time the person who isn't attracted will just sit there waiting for it to end just to be polite. Going on a real date from an online site is a recipe for a potentially crappy evening.
veggirl Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 No, don't send him a message. he just wasn't interested. On a first meet, you should expect to pay for your own drink, I think. Telling him "I'd like a coffee" and waiting for him to get you one is strange. Just let it go, don't contact him again.
Imajerk17 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 What you think being female entitles you to a free sandwich and a drink? I guess I could see you being pissed if to meet him you had to drive a ways out of your way and he didn't. But even then.... Many of us men who have done OLD have gone on dates where we bought the girl drinks and/or food for women who turned out to be uninterested. If these women had gotten their own sandwich/drink instead, we wouldn't have complained, even if they didn't offer to buy us a coffee.
CarrieT Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Ummmm... I'm a girl and I think your attitude is kind of rude. The "About 15 minutes in I'm still without a drink, he doesn't offer, so I say, I fancy a coffee" is very passive aggressive on your part that you are putting the onus of taking care of you on someone you don't even know yet. When you got inside and saw that he already had a drink, why didn't you just get one for yourself if this was a first meeting? Why did you assume or expect to be offered one for a first meet-and-greet? I don't think he was rude at all and certainly not cheap. This is what the firsts of online dating are about; show that you can take care of yourself and don't expect anything from anyone and you won't be quite so angry. You weren't disrespected at all; you are just expecting more than is required or necessary for a first time.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I thnk men invented the concept of a "coffee date" especially the ones who are too cheap to pay. This has the classic meet greet and dash- he meets you, decides you're not his cup of tea ori n this case his cup of coffee so he decides to dash. And let me tell you if he had liked you he would've asked u for a number.
bean1 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 First meets from an online introduction shouldn't be "real" dates because half the time one person or the other knows within the first minute that they're not attracted to the other person, at which point the rest of the time the person who isn't attracted will just sit there waiting for it to end just to be polite. Going on a real date from an online site is a recipe for a potentially crappy evening. Haha fair enough I guess, it's been about 5 years since I did the OLD and only went on 1 date, ended up marrying the guy, so I didn't think of that. But still.. a work break? Ehhhh
zengirl Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I don't think he's rude for not buying you a coffee. A lot of men would've waited for you to order and get one, sure, but I don't see the fuss. I do think you were odd to say, "I fancy a coffee," and then look at him expectantly. I do think he was odd to schedule it during his lunch break. I do think he was rude to end it abruptly, when you were still having your drink without at least a 10 minute or time warning. I do think it's weird he doesn't have your number. Doesn't sound like either of you are that into it, so I say just wrap it up. No need for a message.
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I dont see the problem OP. The guy invited you to a meet and greet during his lunch break, so he doesnt need to buy you anything. You should have known it was more of a hang out and not a date given it was during the work week, and because it was during mid-day. He seemed like he was simply trying to have a little time to get to know you so you could feel each other out and see if their was potential for a real date. Also, as a guy who doesnt believe I should have to pay for a strangers refreshments, I agree with his tactics. If I got a cool vibe from the girl during our meet and greet, and there was some clicking, then Id offer to do something more date-ish. But if you said to me what you said to him, I most likely wouldnt be talking to you again because entitlement isnt a fun trait. I would not tell him off either, because it might just get you told off for assuming things. Just leave it be and keep fishing.
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I thnk men invented the concept of a "coffee date" especially the ones who are too cheap to pay. This has the classic meet greet and dash- he meets you, decides you're not his cup of tea ori n this case his cup of coffee so he decides to dash. And let me tell you if he had liked you he would've asked u for a number. A few thinks miss cutz: 1. Dating can get expensive if you meet a lot of chicks who expect to be paid for. 2. The coffee date is low key and gives you room to talk without any fuss. Its laid back and not overly involved. 3. Meet and greets allow you to see if you dig someone enough to invest more into them, especially since this is someone youve only met online. 4. Youd buy us boys some coffee wouldnt cha?
veggirl Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I thnk men invented the concept of a "coffee date" especially the ones who are too cheap to pay. This has the classic meet greet and dash- he meets you, decides you're not his cup of tea ori n this case his cup of coffee so he decides to dash. And let me tell you if he had liked you he would've asked u for a number. Of course he would've asked for her num if he liked it. Of course a coffee date is designed to include an easy out--it's a first meet! What's wrong with any of that?!
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It looks like after 30 minutes he realizes he's not really interested in you. I don't find his behavior rude. Even if you haven't finished your drink, he has the right to leave if he's uninterested? Why should he fake politeness? Does it really take you 30 minutes to finish coffee? His behavior wasn't rude. What would have been worse if he had pretended to be interested in a relationship only so he can get sex and leave. It looks like you're mainly pissed off he didn't pay. How can people who don't wanna pay for their own coffee call other people cheap?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Of course he would've asked for her num if he liked it. Of course a coffee date is designed to include an easy out--it's a first meet! What's wrong with any of that?! And that's what I don't get, is this a date or is this a meet? If this is a meet then kudos to him for running away, but if this was a " date" and he didn't even have the decency to be polite and offer ( girls like being asked even if half of them WILL pay for their own drink/ dinner etc) then I have to say this guy is a douche. But again, hit and miss, at least he didn't waste her time.
turt Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It sounds like he just wanted to get to know you. Meeting someone in real life is a lot different than online. He probably wasn't very clear about it being a meet-up and not a date. He also should have told you it was his break. It could be possible that he just wants to be friends at first (or forever). You really don't have any option if you want to tell him off. I think you're likely making the wrong assumption although there's a chance he really did think it was date. Are you really going to flip on some guy you don't know for not buying you a drink? Yeah, he should have at least asked if you wanted something and he should have taken the hint but it's not worth getting mad about.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) A few thinks miss cutz: 1. Dating can get expensive if you meet a lot of chicks who expect to be paid for. 2. The coffee date is low key and gives you room to talk without any fuss. Its laid back and not overly involved. 3. Meet and greets allow you to see if you dig someone enough to invest more into them, especially since this is someone youve only met online. 4. Youd buy us boys some coffee wouldnt cha? Mr. K- 1) A date need not be expensive if you plan it in a advance. Instead of blowing your day's salary, go with something lowkey like a bakery/cafe, at least the coffee will go down better with a slice of cake. Please do not go into dating expecting a girl " expects" you to pay; it's only the gesture we want, not the idea of being bought. 2) Maybe our definition is different - I don't see coffee dates as dates. It's the classic assessment test for running away when the person doesn't meet your standards. 3) Okay, granted some people like the casual meet and greet. But since I already know enough about a person ( my people picker is at all time high right now) beforehand, I think I prefer a date over an interview. In the OP's case, she stated this was a " date'. There must have been a miscommunication. But if a guy don't have time to pick a proper time to meet me and instead use me as a lunchtime filler, yeah I will be offended. 4) I will buy you that coffee if you get me some cake. ( And I'm being fair- you're not " paying " for me). Edited January 19, 2012 by xpaperxcutx
mortensorchid Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I understand based on this description why it is you're pissed at him, but really just move on and don't bother telling him. Even if you did, chances are he's not going to change anytime soon, so really what's the point? I've had things like that happen to me for Internet dates, where they don't pay for your drink or your meal. That's usually a sign. Plus with his other behavior, no wonder he is alone.
Cypress25 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Everyone is fixating on the fact that he didn't pay for her coffee and defending him for that, but the rest of his behavior was rude too. 1. He didn't wait for her when he arrived, even though she was right on time. This has nothing to do with gender roles. Whoever arrives first is supposed to wait for the other person, unless they're running terribly late. 2. He scheduled the date for the middle of a weekday, during his lunch break. He could have easily scheduled it for a time when he would be free, but instead he chose to meet when he knew he would be rushed and pressed for time. 3. He didn't wait for her to finish her drink before declaring the date over. He was finished, so he stood up to leave. Imagine if you were on a lunch date or a dinner date, and the other person left as soon as they finished their meal. 4. He told her to follow up with him, thereby making it clear that if she wanted him, she'd have to chase him. Not merely a lack of interest on his part; he's actually instructing her to pursue him. Everything about his behavior screams "self-absorbed douchebag." I think a lot of people here have it backwards. They say it's just a first meet, so the guy shouldn't have to make much of an effort. But the first meet is when both people should want to be on their best behavior. Doesn't anyone care about making a good first impression? If you can't even bother to be polite and considerate when you first meet someone, why would they want to see you again?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Everyone is fixating on the fact that he didn't pay for her coffee and defending him for that, but the rest of his behavior was rude too. 1. He didn't wait for her when he arrived, even though she was right on time. This has nothing to do with gender roles. Whoever arrives first is supposed to wait for the other person, unless they're running terribly late. 2. He scheduled the date for the middle of a weekday, during his lunch break. He could have easily scheduled it for a time when he would be free, but instead he chose to meet when he knew he would be rushed and pressed for time. 3. He didn't wait for her to finish her drink before declaring the date over. He was finished, so he stood up to leave. Imagine if you were on a lunch date or a dinner date, and the other person left as soon as they finished their meal. 4. He told her to follow up with him, thereby making it clear that if she wanted him, she'd have to chase him. Not merely a lack of interest on his part; he's actually instructing her to pursue him. Everything about his behavior screams "self-absorbed douchebag." I think a lot of people here have it backwards. They say it's just a first meet, so the guy shouldn't have to make much of an effort. But the first meet is when both people should want to be on their best behavior. Doesn't anyone care about making a good first impression? If you can't even bother to be polite and considerate when you first meet someone, why would they want to see you again? My words exactly minus the self-absorbed and bag. But yes he is a douche for wasting the OP's time.
blueskyday Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) Wow, this guy puts in ZERO effort to make a good impression! First of all, HE invites you to a lunch time meet up. He is the host, so to speak. He should show you he can wait for you (and you were on time!) He should also ask you if you want a drink and make sure you are comfortable and treated like a special person. It's called being a gentleman. I would also feel a bit pissed off. When did some guys get so lazy? It's like a drive by date. If he likes what he sees, then he will ask you for a real date? Then he will be respectful and full of good manners? I don't like these so called coffee dates. What a grind! I'd rather meet up for icecream and a walk around a busy outdoor shopping area. That said, I've been on a few coffee dates and the guy has always asked what I want to drink, and then went to get it for me. Any guy who leaves saying "Give me a call if you want, (or whatever he said)" is plain lazy. Don't bother saying anything to him. He is a brick wall of self-centeredness and is very rude. Let's say he had been unfortunate looking, or not your type, and you show up. I would bet that you would be polite and charming to him. Maybe you wouldn't have gone out with him again, but you would have shown good manners during your time together. You simply expected good manners from him in another, but similar way. He didn't show any, IMO. Edited January 19, 2012 by blueskyday
Author Twos Company Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Thanks for the replies. One thing I need to make clear is when I had been there 15 minutes and I had not had a drink,( to begin with I just chatted to him and didn't want to break off the convo ) my exact words to him were 'I think I'll get a coffee' I did pause not to wait for an offer but I was picking my bag up to go and get the drink, and there was a sort of awkward moment, when he was just looking at me picking my bag up...jeez, it's common manners to offer a coffee, he invited ME. The guy had no manners at all, I mean he was looking at me out the window but let me stand there and come to him! Slotting me in in his lunchbreak is ok, everyone's busy, but it was the letting me stand outside, and not even offering to wait till I finished my drink etc. I would never behave like that to a guy. I of course will say nothing to him, I wouldn't lower myself and it wouldn't change anything but yikes, that was one crap date.
LexiB Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 1. He didn't wait for her when he arrived, even though she was right on time. This has nothing to do with gender roles. Whoever arrives first is supposed to wait for the other person, unless they're running terribly late. Methinks this was intentional. Remember reading on here not too long ago about a dutch-loving poster who always showed up early so he could pay for his meal before the girl got there and hoped she would just take the hint.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 The guy had no manners at all, I mean he was looking at me out the window but let me stand there and come to him! Slotting me in in his lunchbreak is ok, everyone's busy, but it was the letting me stand outside, and not even offering to wait till I finished my drink etc. I think this part is the rudest, the whole paying or not paying for the drink thing is no big deal. But this is just crappy. Maybe he saw you and decided for whatever reason that he wasn't attracted to you, but this was sure a crappy way to handle it. I wouldn't message him if I were you. Don't waste even a second more time on him since he's obviously not interested and had a very rude way of showing it.
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