I'm going to do it...

[gibson]

We weren't together for 3 years... But I appreciate the insight Gibson. I guess I was looking for someone to help what I should say in this situation. It helped me last time so I was hoping for it again...thanks everyone

 

If any of us knew the magical words to get our Ex back after they break up, stop all communication and is dating someone else, etc. None of us would be here, we would be with our Exes.

 

It's over my friend... All you are going to do is lose more self-respect, dignity and push her even further away.

 

Like the rest of us here learned... you don't believe us and must figure this out the hard way.

 

If you do find those magical words... You will make millions and I look forward to seeing you and your infomercial.

 

It's also hard because last time everyone told me to go strict NC I got her back. Doesn't mean I truly believe it happens twice but the obstacle is still there

 

You didn't get her back... that's the point.

[RockGuy87]

I got her back until too much stress was put on us and I blew up for having no patience.

[gibson]

I got her back until too much stress was put on us and I blew up for having no patience.

 

Dude... I am assuming you are 24 or so based on the number in your name. If so, you have NO IDEA what stress is yet.

 

That's a BS excuse she used to break up with you. This girl is young and wants to live it up, kick some more tires (date around), have fun, etc. and doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. I promise, both of you will date and have several more LTRs, break ups, heartbreak, etc. before meeting and settling down with "the one".

 

If she wants to be with you, there is nothing to will stop her from contacting you and making her intentions known.

 

In the future, this will serve you well...

 

It's not your job to get a dumper to want you back, it is the dumpers job to get you to want them back.

[mike588]

Dude... I am assuming you are 24 or so based on the number in your name. If so, you have NO IDEA what stress is yet.

 

That's a BS excuse she used to break up with you. This girl is young and wants to live it up, kick some more tires (date around), have fun, etc. and doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. I promise, both of you will date and have several more LTRs, break ups, heartbreak, etc. before meeting and settling down with "the one".

 

If she wants to be with you, there is nothing to will stop her from contacting you and making her intentions known.

 

In the future, this will serve you well...

 

It's not your job to get a dumper to want you back, it is the dumpers job to get you to want them back.

 

So true!!!

[Dark Phoenix]

 

It's not your job to get a dumper to want you back, it is the dumpers job to get you to want them back.

 

Is it? In my opinion this would make the relationship fail again, just the opposite way. This is actually extremely silly and selfish. Extreme black and white. An extreme boundary/wall. People that have this mentality should go look in the mirror and focus on their own short comings demons etc.

 

This quote has to do with someone's ego and pride instead of letting go of the past\

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, not one putting in all this effort while the other person sits back and says, you havent worked hard enough for me to come back yet. This is a cop out, an excuse, validation to cover up one's pain and resentment. Put yourself in their shoes, they put in this effort to hang out with you and spend time with you and you reject them or dance, I wouldnt want to put any more effort into you either. This is dating 101.

 

Remember Im speaking in broad terms, but if there was a reconciliation, it has to be a whole NEW RELATIONSHIP. Everything from scratch, from the courting to defining the relationship.

Edited January 20, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[gibson]

Is it? In my opinion this would make the relationship fail again, just the opposite way. This is actually extremely silly and selfish. Extreme black and white. An extreme boundary/wall. People that have this mentality should go look in the mirror and focus on their own short comings demons etc.

 

If the dumpee is the one doing the chasing, trying to convince the dumper that they are wrong, made a mistake and should want the dumpee back... That doesn't work.

 

Until the dumper comes to this conclusion on their own, all you are doing is pushing the dumper further away, losing your self-respect and dignity.

 

This quote has to do with someone's ego and pride instead of letting go of the past\

 

Really? I think it is quite the opposite.

 

So chasing someone who dumps you, someone who no longer communicates with you, someone who tells you it's over and to move on... Is to be ignore and you should still pursue them (nevermind the restraining order)?

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, not one putting in all this effort while the other person sits back and says, you havent worked hard enough for me to come back yet.

 

Unless the dumper wants you back and is willing to give it an honest go...

 

It will be completely one sided.

 

This is a cop out, an excuse, validation to cover up one's pain and resentment.

 

I think if the dumpee pursues a dumper who doesn't want a reconciliation... it's the dumpee who is making excuses, seeking validation, covering up their pain and resentment, etc.

 

Put yourself in their shoes, they put in this effort to hang out with you and spend time with you and you reject them or dance, I wouldnt want to put any more effort into you either. This is dating 101.

 

The dumper has to ask me on a date first.

 

Remember Im speaking in broad terms, but if there was a reconciliation, it has to be a whole NEW RELATIONSHIP. Everything from scratch, from the courting to defining the relationship.

 

I guess you missed my point, the dumper has to first make an effort before there can be a reconciliation for their to be a NEW RELATIONSHIP.

Edited January 20, 2012 by gibson

[Pens55]

Well Rockguy, hope this doesnt muddy the waters anymore, but I actually emailed my ex today after a couple weeks. When the breakup happened, I was taken aback and surprised and I acted as such, saying a few things that are out of character for me. After a week or so, I sort of regretted saying those things and it started to bother me.

 

Now I know what youre thinking...I want her back.. The answer is yes and no - I'm not trying to convince anyone of this, but her issues were the majority of the problems in the relationship (well, I enabled too..). So, if she gets her life under control, then yes. If not, I know its best to stay away.

 

But the burden of saying what I did weighed on me, and I also wanted to leave a door open, so she knows I dont hate her and if things change, she will be able to reach out to me. That being said, I sent this email after thinking through several things:

 

1. Is this a smart move? When I got the itch, I gave it 2 days. At that time I decided, it was best to do that. Im not regretting it, it actually took some weight off my chest.

2. Will I get a response? I dont know, probably not, but my email was not about getting a response. It was about me owning up to what I said and letting her know that I care but RESPECT HER DECISION. Its her life, I cant change it.

3. How will it come across? It was not a needy/sappy email, I know that wont do any good, and if she wanted that we wouldnt be broken up. It was simply along the lines of "sorry, glad we had the times we had, hope all is well."

 

After sending the email, I am back to NC and staying there, I said what I needed to and let the chips fall where they may. I might get blasted for this by some wiser people, but if you have thought it through and dont expect to have her come running back, it may not set you back much.

 

But be fully aware of your intentions and what you are expecting to recieve in return.

[AwptiK]

Sure Awptik may end up marrying his girl and I sincerely hope he does (there are exceptions to every rule)

We broke up again actually. Not everything was fixed completely before we reunited, not enough time and effort were put into change. (Like Rock, my mind was on "getting her back.") A future? I'm very doubtful, but I do know that the only way it'll work again is if it's a completely fresh start after a LOT of change and a LOTTT of time. Not waiting around though.

 

 

Because of what I said above and after reading this entire thread for the first time since I posted, I have changed my view on where I stood before. Rock, at first you seemed to be a lot more clear-minded than you've shown in the rest of this thread. I know Fluorescent just wrote an entire book on the situation and he made some great points, but from someone who has been through this personally, you aren't ready to say anything to her. I know you feel that you need to say something soon and I totally understand why you feel that way, but you need this time right now to heal. I'm sure both of you are still broken; broken things can't just reunite and be whole again.

 

 

Also, she is the dumper. Like Gibson (I believe) said, it's her job/choice to get you back. I know I said that I reached out as the dumpee, but in my situation, I was given some BIG hints before I ever made any effort. My ex basically tried to see if I was still interested (and I never showed any), without putting herself out too much. So regardless, she still did a lot before I did anything. By a lot - I'm not saying she called me and hung up once. She called work a few times while I was there, she texted every few days, always asked about my life when we see each other (we're coworkers) etc.

 

 

As for time/waiting, what is it you're so worried about?

Her meeting someone else?

Her moving on?

Her thinking that you'll never change or don't want to?

 

-First off, you're being disrespectful to her wishes by contacting her. Loving someone, as you said you do, is about being selfless. Give her what she wants right now, space and time to heal and think things through.

-If she moves on, she moves on. There honestly isn't a single thing you can do to change that. Talking to her or going NC, she's going to make the same decision. Talking to her might even do worse and push her further away.

-Same as moving on, is meeting someone else. I KNOW my ex really well and I would bet you anything she was at least flirting around with a new guy during our time apart. If anything, it probably pushed her towards me a little bit. There's a lot of comparing going on if this happens at all.

-For change...With her age i'm not too sure where her mind could be, but this girl has seen you, the good you, the you she really likes. She's going to remember that.

 

 

If you need to get some things off your chest, then do that. BUT, from what you're posting and talking about, that's not your only agenda. So again, I suggest you take more time. You CAN be completely over someone and still have guilt about something from the relationship. THAT is the time that you apologize for your actions. However, doing it now, only shows that you're trying to get her back. I was dumped a year and a half ago by one girl and I had some lingering guilt and things on my chest, but I didn't say a word. 4 months later, I was basically dating a new girl and the ex wished me happy birthday (I didn't have her number). After a few texts, I apologized for how I was and settled the tension I had put upon myself. If she never contacted me, i'd still have wanted to apologize, but with time it becomes less and less of a deal.

 

 

Being worried about what one person thinks of you shouldn't matter this much. YOU should KNOW who YOU are. Rock, your ex may not think you will change, but that will be her issue. Telling her, won't change her mind. You've dated her, so i'm sure she has a good idea of who you are and how good of a person you are. That's all she needs to make HER decision.

 

 

 

Take this time to work on yourself and become the best version of yourself. THAT is who you want to be, IF she contacts you, or WHEN the next girl comes into your life.

 

There's three things that I remind myself of everyday, to progress. The above statement, as well as:

 

-If you love her let her go..... Soooooooooooooooo overused, but so true.

-Do you really want to have to convince your future wife to marry you? Or would you rather things just WORK.

 

 

And for you, one last bit of insight. Contacting her may stress her out. For a relationship that ended due to stress - are you really going to risk doing that to her? She left you to get away from stress, any hint of it will push her away. That's why time is also a big factor, the more that passes the less likely she is to sigh before she sees your name show up as a new text message.

 

I will quote the very ex I mentioned at the top of the post, while we were having our "closure", and talking about the fact that we do have to be around each other at work. "[Talking at work as friends would] is totally fine by me. But as soon as one of us leaves work, it (communication) has to stop. It will save us both stress, trust me."

 

-Sean