I'm going to do it...

January 19, 2012

So I think I'm going to do it... I'm going to finally say one last thing. Its been 9 days and 5 days of NC. She hasn't resched out and said anything. But I just can't sit in limbo anymore. I want her back. I do. But I need to hurry up and get over what I want to say so I can move on. I mich rather lose 5 days of NC and progress instead of weeks or months worth. I'm also leaving for vacation next wed. And would like to have that as an escape and coping mechanism if I have to. I know everyone will say wait for her and stay NC but I messed up there at the end of our relationship. This is the longest I've gone with not contacting her and I hope she's wondering if I ever will. But I could use some helpful advice on how to go about this. I prepared something that I would want to say and hope you guys can help edit it with me.

Hey. So I finally have taken some "true" time to think about a lot of things. I can't take full responsibility for all the things that went wrong with us but I can say I did a lot on my part. The way I talked to you sometimes was wrong and hurts to look back on it now. I did change. I wish I would have seen the things i do now sooner or the extent to it before all of this but what's happened in the past is the past. I owe it to you and to myself to say this so that I continue with what I've been doing and keep doing what I have to do. Sorry things ended the way they did and I didn't take this space initially from the beginning.*

The things I know that I don't want to put into the letter are: I wish it wasn't gone enough for you to hear me out and be open to being together. I miss you like crazy and I just hope there are enough feelings for you that you hear this out.

I'm sure I'll get some ********* replies but really only try and help. I want her back so only help me with that at the moment. Not all of the just move on talk...

January 19, 2012

You seem to know what you could lose by doing so. No one can make any decisions for you but I would personally stay away until you can send something a bit more neutral.

Maybe something a little less aimed towards her that shows personal growth. Instead of the "I wish I could have... blah blah" send something like "I'd like to take a moment to thank you for all of the growth that I was able to do during and after the relationship. I know that the time we spent together helped make me into the better person I am today so I just wanted to let you know it was appreciated."

January 19, 2012

I can't tell you not to do this, because i've done this myself and it had good results. One edit I should've made clear: I did not do or say anything for HER. I wanted to get things off my chest and that was all. Not a word about missing her, the future, etc - just an apology for the past because I was still deeply troubled by my guilt.

I was the dumpee of a relationship that ended due to me, mostly.. I felt like I still had a lot on my shoulders for a few weeks after the breakup (and we were NC immediately after), so I wrote a note that basically said "I know I apologized to you already, but over the past couple of weeks i've really seen and felt the full extent of what I did. With this new understanding, I want to truly say that I am sorry." and I said a bit more, but that was my written reasoning to her, I think I may have also said I wanted to get this off of my shoulders. And I delivered it to her work, where she's a cashier. Handed it to her, walked away and I felt amazing after.

I truly did it for myself and my conscious, but a part of me did want her back. Around a week later, we started texting regularly and then she said she missed me and we did get back together shortly after. Not telling you this will be your case, I think a ton of this depends on if she still has feelings. Some girls do, and they hide it and hide it...and even though the dumpee shouldn't make contact first, sometimes it gives a shyer girl enough motivation to open back up. You can't really do anything if she's set on moving on or already moved on though.

Go ahead and tell her what you have to, i'd suggest doing it in any way but a text though (if possible). If you're doing it for yourself and don't want her back, then the outcome isn't really worth speculating over...the second that note/text/voicemail is done, you need to accept that you've said what you had to and move on. Either way, you cannot contact her first after this, she has to contact you if she wants something, because you've shown her interest.

Best of luck

Edited January 19, 2012 by AwptiK

January 19, 2012

I'm going with Raptor and Fluorescent but in the end it is your choice to make and you seem rather adamant.

This is your one shot, so say what you need to say. No pussyfooting around. If you're being remorseful for what happened and need to convey just that, then your message seems fine but if your real motive is to see if there is another chance, then speak up. One shot to say your piece and communicate what you truly feel and then the door is shut until she makes her move. So say what you need to say rather than this read between the lines message.

January 19, 2012

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm sorry I'm being a little stubborn but when things ended because of the way I was being I want her to kno I want to change. I know people say the ball is in her court but with how things were left and since she felt that that way because of what happened then I want to say something. Trust me I wish she would come to me but the way she sees it is that I was wrong and so why should she come to me? I just don't know the best way to go about this.... Maybe I'll wait a few days but I feel like the more time kills me.

Geegirl. What would you have added or taken out. I know this is a ONE shot thing and it must be said right this time. Cause after this the door is shut.

But I know why people say the ball is on the dumpers court but somtimes you have to pursue when you messed up. If not they will be reminded each day they did the right thing

January 19, 2012

I know not to plead, beg or confess my love to her. Put how do I really let her no I'm sorry, if she still loves me, and how to get her to wanna come back. I kno I'm on her mind still but what do I say to try and get her to come back?

January 19, 2012

Your note to her is a reflection of what caused the demise of the relationship rather than identifying what went wrong, the changes you will need to make/are making and ways in which you will be consistent in maintaining those healthy changes. I don't know if you've been enlightened, as too little time has passed for you to gain that sort of mental/emotional clarity and maturity but if you want to convey to her that you are remorseful, adamant in wanting to try again and wanting to do it right this time around, and wanting to know that she hopefully feels the same way as you do, then express those feelings.

You cannot just feed her a bunch of words about change. If you're just giving her words about change when you haven't found awareness or spent time introspecting, it would be wrong because the issues that you presented to her before will surface again.

Again, I would prefer you to NC but this is your choice.

Edited January 19, 2012 by geegirl

January 19, 2012

Do i just say:

-Hey, How are you?

-Hey I was wondering if we could meet up and talk?....

- I just want to tell you I have realize how much of a better person I have become because of our relationship and after. I have finally gotten the true feeling of everything after this time and it has really sunk in. With that being said Im genuinely sorry.

Idk if im suppose to add it in where i ask her what her feelings are or not.... or if i just wait to see how she responds.

People keep saying that it hasnt been long enough to realize what I did. I read through our old texts and say exactly what she was talking about....

January 19, 2012

3 months is too long.... people say that if its true love then 3 months will be easy. I love this girl to death and even me after 3 months my feelings would start to change. Hers will also.

January 19, 2012

3 months is too long.... people say that if its true love then 3 months will be easy. I love this girl to death and even me after 3 months my feelings would start to change. Hers will also.

You claim to love this girl to death but in the same sentence state that there is a possibility that your feelings will change. You don't trust your own feelings. This is why you wait until you find mental clarity versus reacting emotionally. This allows you to make decisions in your best interest and also hers.

Edited January 19, 2012 by geegirl

January 19, 2012

Im not saying it like that. I do love this girl to death. We used to be everything to one another. Im just sayin. A lot happens after three months. I can still love her after 3 months time and im sure i will. But what im saying is when I did wrong and I dont at least reach out after a short amount of time to say something (what im trying to get help with) then it gives her no reason besides to keep on goin.

January 19, 2012

ASSUMING you're going to ignore people's advice to stick to NC, and this is just my advice, if you're going to make a move like this, then you're going to have to do better than "hey how are you" or "can we meet up and talk" or "I realize how much of a better person I've become..." I mean, if a girl read something that said you're better NOW, she'd read that as you're better off NOW without her.

So if you're going to do this, you'd better do it right, and tell her how you REALLY feel. I mean, from your gut. You're going to have to be vulnerable. I'm not saying you need to beg for her back, or ask for forgiveness. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't ASK her for anything. But don't be afraid to let on that you're miserable without her. And don't tell her you've changed. Just concentrate on feelings.

I don't know if it will get you anywhere, but at least you both will have discovered a little more...

But if you can stay NC, do that, especially if she dumped you. They'll always reach out if they have regrets and decide they've made a mistake. That's your best bet.

Edited January 19, 2012 by lalalandman

January 19, 2012

Even if I did something wrong?

January 19, 2012

-Hey, How are you? Reason for contact is not to exchange pleasantries.

-Hey I was wondering if we could meet up and talk? She could shoot you down and you won't be able to get your message across.

- I just want to tell you I have realize how much of a better person I have become because of our relationship and after. I have finally gotten the true feeling of everything after this time and it has really sunk in. With that being said Im genuinely sorry. Is sorry all you want to say or do you want to speak of remorse, need for change and the possibility of rekindling if she can find it within her?

I can't tell you what to write. You have to speak from the heart. You have to identify what your feelings are and what you hope for and tell her. This is your one shot to express everything you want and need to say to her. If she wants you back, you could be speaking another language and she'd open up to you. If she doesn't care for what you have to say, then you will have your answer and it will be time to move on.

Edited January 19, 2012 by geegirl

January 19, 2012

^^^^^^agreed.

I know it's hard, but doing what's hard usually has the best results....hehe anyone??

January 19, 2012

I reached out last time after we broke after like 4 or 5 days and she replied with that she missed me too and never wanted to go another day without me. She ended it that time... So she doesnt reach out to me even when she wanted to in the past. I wont go over that time again but we both went through a lot of stress over xmas break that pushed this to happen...plus things i said

January 19, 2012

Rock you are not thinking clearly (believe me). I made the same mistake you are about to make. I too ignored the advice I was given and I too learnt the harsh lesson that you are about to learn.

Bet you any money you come back in a few weeks/months and say "you guys were right". If you REALLY love this girl, you will give yourself the best chance to be with her. Right now you are too emotionally compromised to realise that your current course of action is probably the incorrect one. If you really want her back, listen to what we are telling you. If you want to ensure that you probably have no future with this girl, follow your desires now. We are giving you the correct logic. U are too emotionally involved to realise that you are simply not thinking clearly. I know this feeling. When you feel like you are losing someone you love. You feel you are losing control. So you latch on for dear life and tell him/her everything he/she wants to hear in hope they come back.

Listen to her, respect her. If she really wanted you back she would make contact. Give her space to figure this out. She is confused right now. Your insecurity and fear of being alone means you are acting selfishly by breaking NC. Three months is not that long Rock. If she doesn't want you back after 3 months then you just accept she is not the one. At least by respecting her. Giving her space you showed maturity and class. Not only that u put her wishes above yours. Now that's real love..Every woman wants a man that puts her first..

Fluoresent, you are so right. When we are emotionally compromised we are like an addict looking for a fix, we will justify to ourself in anyway that we have to do what we are doing. I wonder if there is a physiological reason behind this, like a withdrawal symptom from the endorphines we got while we were with our loved one?

Rock, two weeks of NC is way too short, even if you were the one who messed up. She would not have enough time herself to simmer down (and I know girls hold on to negative emotions about people far longer than guys, even though they fake it better.)

I agree that if you really love her, you would sacrifice some happiness (even sanity) right now and let things be.

January 19, 2012

Even if I did something wrong?

What was it that you did wrong? We all are guilty of making mistakes during a relationship..saying or doing dumb things.. I'm a firm believer of N.C. (sure helped me!) and we all seem to have that "one last thing to say"...since your only a few days into the b/u and N.C. it wouldn't be too bad to say what you feel you need to say.

Make sure you get it all out this last time...if not you'll be thinking...oh crap I forgot this or that...I'll make contact one more/last time. I felt the same exact way your feeling and came so VERY close to breaking N.C. many times.

Going strict N.C. is a very tough thing to do when you still love someone very much...believe me I know!!! My g/f dumped me 5 1/2 months ago and I went thru hell but maintained strict N.C. for 5 1/4 months....well last month she reached out to me after I'd written her off for being dead.

Good luck...

January 19, 2012

Why don't you give yourself a few days or at least another week to reread the advice given to you. You can jump off the cliff now or ponder for a little more, keeping a safe distance until you're sure about what you want to do. Your feelings are not going to change and nor will hers in a few days.

You're too emotional that you can't even word what you need to say to her. If in a few days you still want to send a letter, then send it. This will give you time to talk yourself out of it or allow you to figure out what you need to say since you're struggling with expressing yourself.

January 19, 2012

Thanks so much for everything. I will wait a little while longer and see what happens.

The thing i did wrong was there were times when i would over react on some things. She did to but me especially. Like the talk that broke us up. She told me she would talk to me later that night but since I was mad I acted the wrong way until she said "Just text me tomorrow" Which made me ask if she was going. Probably cussed. Then she said "Never mind just talk to me when you get into town." That was 2 days later so i called and was like "wtf?" Then thats when she let me go. It was such a dumb argument also. But there are a few examples i found where she was actually trying to drop the situation and i just wouldnt stop. Very much aware now. This wasnt all the time, dont want to think im an angry person cause im not. But I just said some things while heated.

Ill sit on this for lil while and see what happens like I said. I dont believe NC is the answer for EVERYTHING like some say. What if someone truly hurt someone or did something to them? They are suppose to just go NC for 3 months and not say anything to the person they hurt? I would hope the hurt one would not reach out first.

January 19, 2012

Thanks fluor,

I dont think im special or an exception to any rule. Thats why i came here. I just kno the issues to our relationship were petty that is all. Thats why I feel i want to get back together with her.

Like i said. Ill take more time to think things over and see what happens if any with her. She will be out this weekend so i know i wont hear from her. So i have a few days to stop thinking about that I guess. Ill try and plan to go out again this weekend like last.

January 19, 2012

I just don't like the idea of her thinking things couldn't be better than before cause they could be and that's not me just talking cause I hurt. If only she knew....

January 19, 2012

You are in no shape or condition to talk to your Ex, much less get her back and for the record, the purpose of NC is for you to heal, not to get your Ex back.

Like many others before you, you think you can write some magical letter, text or email that will remove all the obstacles, issues and convince your Ex that she really does love and want to be with you. It simply never works.

Truth is...

If she wanted to talk or hear from you, she would contact you. If she wanted to be with you, she would.

How do I know this?

You were in a relationship with this women for 3 years. You two had several misunderstandings, fights, disagreements, arguments, etc. much worse than the last one you two had 3 months ago. Those didn't stop her then and this one wouldn't stop her now if she wanted to talk to you or be with you.

January 19, 2012

We weren't together for 3 years... But I appreciate the insight Gibson. I guess I was looking for someone to help what I should say in this situation. It helped me last time so I was hoping for it again...thanks everyone

January 20, 2012

It's also hard because last time everyone told me to go strict NC I got her back. Doesn't mean I truly believe it happens twice but the obstacle is still there

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