I was raped a second time and my boyfriend left me.

January 19, 2012

I'm so broken and so completely alone. I was raped two months ago. It happened at a friend's house whilst I was spending the night, it was one of her house mates. More than anything it was the words he spoke whilst I was begging and pleading with him. "Please please let me go. Please. This has happened to me before and I really, really love my boyfriend. For his sake if not mine, please let me go."

He just smiled at me and said, "By the time I'm done with you, your boyfriend won't want to look at you." The rape was brutal and I'm still healing up from it.

In the meantime, I looked to my boyfriend, who is nine years older than me (He's 32) as my only support system. But he was insecure because we are in different countries right now and had been insecure from the very beginning of me getting there. I spent all my time in my room, never going out, and on his birthday barely a month later, I spent all my time getting together the most intricate set of birthday gifts which he really loved.

Despite this, he went onto one of my old photographs on facebook, long before I had even met him and screamed at me for being 'overfamiliar' with a childhood friend of mine who had asked me out for a date. He then said these words "Have you ever considered that it was this very overfamiliarity with guys that has led you to be in this situation?" He then said, "You aren't the one. I'm never going to find someone like me anyway."

I broke up with him then and there. I couldn't believe he had said what he had. This break up was hard on us both, he kept calling asking me to come back and I would keep saying we were over. A few days after the break up I got very very drunk and slept with a friend. I didn't remember the incident at all, but out of guilt, started seeing this guy. I had NO INTENTION of getting back together with my ex at all.

I went back home a few days after this incident and whilst there met my ex once to give him his things back, then he said he wanted to do a show (he's a musician) with me. I should have said no, knowing how much I would see him, how painful it would be, but I didn't. Realising I still loved him, on the fourth of january, I got back together with him, telling the guy I was seeing I couldn't see him anymore.

On the sixteenth of January, what would have been our first anniversary, my boyfriend had no plans to do anything special, so I went out with my friends instead. He called me up screaming his head off about something I did. I was so confused and told him I didn't know what it was. He told me that I was the cleverest girl in the world and the biggest bitch too. I was still confused, but told him the only thing that was weighing on my mind and that was the fact that I had slept with and was seeing this friend of mine when we were broken up. I told him I could show him my emails and facebook and prove just how completely innocent it really was. I met him a few hours later at his work place and he kept on screaming at me. He told me I had cheated on him, but finally acknowledged that we HAD been broken up at the time. He still called me a whore and a slut for sleeping with someone so soon after our break up. I kept offering my emails etc to him and saying I would show him and discuss how innocent it really was.

When we got back, I opened my computer to show him. I found that my battery had been fully charged, my writing was missing and google chrome was off. I immediately opened google chrome and went into the history. Turns out, he had been sitting on my laptop, which had been lying in my bag and had read ALL my emails and my facebook already, something I had OFFERED to show him myself.

What followed was a night of screaming and shouting and fighting and crying.

He told me he needed till saturday to think.

And then the guy I had been seeing during the break up told me we had not slept together at all. That I had called him by my then ex boyfriend's name and he couldn't sleep with me after that. So I never slept with anyone except my ex in this whole time.

I told my boyfriend this, but he doesn't care. He says I was still seeing someone and keeps quoting my emails and my facebook back to me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and lost.

TLDR: I was raped. My boyfriend called me over familiar with men and told me I wasn't the one. We broke up. I thought I had slept with someone else and started seeing him. I hadn't. I got back with my ex and told the guy I was seeing to leave me alone because I still love my ex. He snooped through my laptop on out anniversary. Now he wants three days to think about our relationship and whether he wants to be with me or not.

January 19, 2012

I am so terribly sorry for everything that has happened to you. I hope you find your path to healing and find happiness in this world.

Your boyfriend though is abusive and I believe you can see this. He treats you very poorly and seems to lack any sort of empathy. He is using things from your past against you as a way to increase his power over you. You need to make his decision for him and decide you need to be with someone who treats you as well as you deserve to be treated.

January 19, 2012

Did you have the rapist prosecuted? I certainly hope so or he'll do it to someone else.

January 19, 2012

1. have u pressed charges?

2. why are u getting so drunk (i presume) to the point where u don't know if u had sex with a guy or not??

3. so your bf called you a slut, and a whore, and you still didn't leave??

4. things are starting to make sense. good luck.

January 19, 2012

Have reported both rapes to the police? Did you go to the hospital afterward and get a rape kit done?

January 19, 2012

Also, after getting raped twice, I'm concerned about why you're continuing to put yourself in dangerous situations (i.e., getting so drunk you don't remember if you had sex with someone).

January 19, 2012

The rape is a horrific thing that no one should have to experience... but this woman is asking for relationship advice. While I am hoping she went to the authorities her history shows that she did the first time and she was blamed as her countries laws and police force (at least after the first horrific event) did not seem to take care of cases like this in any sort of proper manner.

Her boyfriend is very mentally abusive and seems to need to have the power in the relationship. She needs to get away from this situation or she will continue to get hurt.

January 19, 2012

Oh geez, I'm so sorry you had to be victimized like that. Words fail me.

January 19, 2012

The rape is a horrific thing that no one should have to experience... but this woman is asking for relationship advice. While I am hoping she went to the authorities her history shows that she did the first time and she was blamed as her countries laws and police force (at least after the first horrific event) did not seem to take care of cases like this in any sort of proper manner.

Her boyfriend is very mentally abusive and seems to need to have the power in the relationship. She needs to get away from this situation or she will continue to get hurt.

while this is very true, i think it's time she takes a look at HER OWN actions and take some ownership in this failed relationship. she shouldn't let a guy call her a slut and whore and continue seeing him. she also shouldn't be getting so drunk she doesn't remember whether she had sex or not. that's indeed how guys will surely take advantage of you.

she can only control her own actions. you're right she needs to get away from this guy, but she needs to understand her actions, or lack thereof, are contributing to her misery here.

January 19, 2012

I am a triple-rape victim and understand completely what you are going through.

For starters, PRESS CHARGES and get yourself into counseling IMMEDIATELY. It is critical you take care of yourself and follow whatever recourse you have legally and emotionally.

Secondly, a lot of men can't handle the emotional upheaval involved with rape victims and there is often a lot of blame placed on the victim. This is no excuse for your boyfriend - just an acknowledgement that for many, it is more than they can handle and it has often resulted in the ending of relationships.

I would heartily suggest you not be involved with anyone right now. The emotional rollercoaster of dealing with a new or problematic relationship and healing from a rape is daunting enough. Seek out those who are sympathetic and understanding. If someone is judgmental or accusatory, they are not a friend or helpful to your situation and need to be removed from your circle of influence.

Lastly, go to the police. Report this. It will be very hard for you but is extremely important to not have it happen to someone else and it will help you start the healing process. I would also recommend you consider Al-Anon for the alcohol consumption.

January 19, 2012

Wow. I wish I had any idea how to help cope with it.

I will suggest this. Send your ex a brief message telling him that he's no longer to contact you or attempt to see you in any way. Don't bother to explain why. Then remove him from your life. He is dead to you. What he 'needs' isn't relevant, three days or three minutes. Don't contact him again, regardless when or how he responds; anger, bargaining, anything. If he becomes threatening, get a restraining/non-molestation order.

Second, what Carrie said about the rape. Also, does your friend know she's living in a house with a rapist?

January 19, 2012

I agree with CarrieT and urge you to seek support from a rape survivor's support service first of all.

I think your blackouts are probably related to the trauma you've suffered, but are also making you vulnerable to more abuse.

Do get in touch with a support service such as that detailed here:

http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/sexual-assault.cfm#b

January 19, 2012

I am so terribly sorry for everything that has happened to you. I hope you find your path to healing and find happiness in this world.

Your boyfriend though is abusive and I believe you can see this. He treats you very poorly and seems to lack any sort of empathy. He is using things from your past against you as a way to increase his power over you. You need to make his decision for him and decide you need to be with someone who treats you as well as you deserve to be treated.

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed someone to understand how I'm feeling right now. He is quite emotionally abusive and has been for a long, long time now. I don't think he means to be. He's just very selfish.

I spent most of my time in this relationship, teaching him for a scholarship to London which he received, teaching him for his IELTS which he did very well in, waiting for phone calls that came in the middle of the night, I got him refunds when I was sick, he wanted so much from me I gave him EVERYTHING he could possibly ask for. It hurts to think that he thinks I cheated on him. I would never do something like that. I just thought he didn't want me anymore, just the things I did for him. I never meant to hurt him. Really I didn't.

January 19, 2012

while this is very true, i think it's time she takes a look at HER OWN actions and take some ownership in this failed relationship. she shouldn't let a guy call her a slut and whore and continue seeing him. she also shouldn't be getting so drunk she doesn't remember whether she had sex or not. that's indeed how guys will surely take advantage of you.

she can only control her own actions. you're right she needs to get away from this guy, but she needs to understand her actions, or lack thereof, are contributing to her misery here.

I'm actually suffering from memory lapses and severe blackouts. Something else my ex boyfriend made fun of. I never have got so drunk that I don't remember things. But my memory has been failing me.

I reported the crime a long time ago. He was deported. It took me a lot of effort to go to the police after the last time given how I was treated. Kindly don't belittle that.

January 20, 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this but right now... This very moment... You can do something. You can change your future. Your ex is obviously not understanding and I question his level of care if he is making fun of you.

Please, keep your head up. Be strong, nuture yourself, and do not put yourself through anymore heartache. We're all here for you.

January 20, 2012

I'm so very, very sorry dear, for everything you have been going through. I think you should get into a rape survivor's group like someone else suggested. I think you need to be around people who can support you. Stop getting drunk as well and keep your wits about you. Again, so sorry.

I don't trust your boyfriend. He sounds like a bombaclot.

January 20, 2012

Honey, please report the rapist and go to counseling.

I don't know what to tell you about your ex-boyfriend, you sound like a smart girl to me, and I think you know what you should do without anyone telling you. Don't let men shape your self-esteem. I let that happen and it's not fun. You'resoyoung,this guy doesn't matter at all. You're better than him, you know that. I can tell by the way you talk about him you're aware you're 100 leagues above him in every way.

It sounds to me like you or your family are from some non-western country, but you live in London and you've become westernized. Am I right?

January 20, 2012

Blackouts and memory loss are signs of mental exhaustion. It can also be related to vitamin B12 deficiency. See your GP / doctor and let them know about this. A good multivitamin may also be helpful. But most of all, feeling safe in your own home is going to help you.

Your ex boyfriend is a complication you don't need right now. Do you have friends / family nearby?

If you are in the UK, call SupportLine on 01708 765200

http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/rape_sexual-assault.php

January 20, 2012

Your bf completely disgusts me. When I read what he did I wanted to throw up. He should be ashamed of himself. Please press charges, you'll regret it if you don't. Atleast you have a chance of getting justice. Or else you never will.

January 20, 2012

I'm actually suffering from memory lapses and severe blackouts. Something else my ex boyfriend made fun of. I never have got so drunk that I don't remember things. But my memory has been failing me.

I reported the crime a long time ago. He was deported. It took me a lot of effort to go to the police after the last time given how I was treated. Kindly don't belittle that.

First of all ..I am really really sorry that you have to go thru this... ..

you didnt deserve what happened to you ... !

But . it did happen to you ... and the sooner you accept and you realize and you deal with the feelings that this event has created the sooner you will begin to heal. When a woman gets violated, she losses a certain part of herself.... and although eventually you will get it back.. you need to let those feelings out... you need to grieve .. let your self be sad .. and angry and fell what you need to feel in order to reach acceptance of what happened to you. Please consider finding a local rape crisis center . There are many volunteers and people there that can help you.

Prosecution is your choice.. if you feel that you are strong enough to deal with the questions... and the probing again.. please do so . Again.. there are many people at rape crisis centers that can help you and advocate for you.

Dont be scared....

That leads me to my next point... you must current be feeling a whole range of emotions.. fear... regret .. anger... you need to feel these things..... but you cannot let these emotions stop you from living your life.... you might second guess your self or blame your self..... but doing that does you no good.... For starters.. because none of this is your fault... and also because if you let your self feel that way for long enough... the people that assaulted you take control of your life. Out of all the emotions that I you will feel.. fear is the one that can do the most damage.. it will keep you up at night.. you wont want to go out .. or be alone..... so .. my advice to you is to consider adopting a large breed companion dog... not only will this make you feel safer, but interacting with an animal will also be therapeutic....

As far as your bf is concerned, please understand this:NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DEALING WITH HIM OR HIS ISSUES. HE IS BEING PETTY AND UNSUPORTIVE. you are in no condition to be in a relationship with a person like that right now.. not that should ever be in a realtionship with a person like that at all.. Please consider asking him for space and if neceassry letting him go .. Right now you need to focus on loving your self healing from this, and learning to accept what has happened to you ... Remember you cannot really love someone else .. if you dont love your self.. ...

I wish you the best in your healing journey.... and the people on LS are always here to help you ... there are many survivors of rape and other sexual assults here...

January 20, 2012

I am very shocked and sorry to hear what's happened to you. Please take the advice of other posters and contact support organisations.

Your boyfriend is abusive and it sounds like you are beginning to realise now that his behaviour is not normal and that you should not have to prove anything to anyone if they care about you. You do not need someone like that in your life. Make sure he stays your ex and do not let him persuade you any of this is your fault. He should not be shouting and screaming at you.

I wonder if you are afraid of seeking help, perhaps because you are from abroad? I doubt that help organisations will ask too many questions and rape crisis organisations will want to help you not judge.

The memory loss and blackouts are a worry. It is a concern that you don't even know whether you slept with a guy or not. I don't think you said that you were drunk on the occasion you are talking about with the guy you went out with for a while, so if you are forgetting what really happened with him, there is a problem somewhere. Please seek advise from medical professionals. You could have nutrititional problems or it could be a mental health problem or even something like absence seizures. Whatever the reasons, you need to find out what the cause is so you can avoid putting yourself in risky situations.

You do need to talk with people used to working with abuse victims, like rape orgnisations and women's organisations. It sounds like you could be finding it hard to recognise abusive personalities and it is important that you learn how to recognise such people so that you can protect yourself. I do hope you pursue this and I wish you all the best. You deserve much better treatment than you've been experiencing, that's for sure!

Edited January 20, 2012 by spiderowl

January 20, 2012

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed someone to understand how I'm feeling right now. He is quite emotionally abusive and has been for a long, long time now. I don't think he means to be. He's just very selfish.

I spent most of my time in this relationship, teaching him for a scholarship to London which he received, teaching him for his IELTS which he did very well in, waiting for phone calls that came in the middle of the night, I got him refunds when I was sick, he wanted so much from me I gave him EVERYTHING he could possibly ask for. It hurts to think that he thinks I cheated on him. I would never do something like that. I just thought he didn't want me anymore, just the things I did for him. I never meant to hurt him. Really I didn't.

This post scares me a lot. Yes you never meant to hurt him, and that is honorable and good... but he did mean to hurt you and still does. He is an abuser and will use anything he can to take power away from you and make you submissive. Do not let him do this to you anymore, be strong and walk away. You are better than this and sure the hell are better than him.

January 21, 2012

As a victim myself, I sincerely hope you don't bottle it all up like I did. It just makes it 100 times worse.

February 13, 2012

To those saying please report this 2nd rape, she has done, and he's been deported, see message 15.

Good for you for reporting him, that took a lot of courage.

Your ex bf sounds absolutely horrible, I can't believe he has the gall to say he's deciding what *he* wants, IMO you need to get as far away from this selfish, controlling idiot as soon as possible. Please read back over what you've said about him here and ask yourself why on earth you would want to be with someone like this.

Please start putting yourself first, and leave this loser behind.

Take good care of yourself.

February 13, 2012

If you're talking about the rapist, he lived in her friend's house, I guess he got into her bed while she was asleep. Why shouldn't she sleep over at a friend's house, you don't expect to get raped by another housemate.

Show some compassion.

sucks you got raped, but you are no relationship material. why did you even spend the night there? how did you even end up in bed with this guy?

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I was raped a second time and my boyfriend left me.

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