setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I have just gotten out of LTR with a woman who had just turned 21 and I am 26. I don' t think I will ever date a woman who is younger than 21. I thought that I could look past her level of emotional immaturity and lack of experience...but in the end we both wanted two different things because we were on two different levels. It felt that when I would grow from a certain phase or developmental stage she would just jump into it. I.e. I became tired of clubbing and partying while she was just slowly starting to discover it. However, I have met women who were in the 18-21 range who were very mature for their age just because of the difficult life they experienced. I have not met too many of those though, but if I did find myself attracted to one of them I woulndn't hesitate to date them. You bring up a good point. I am one of those with a very difficult past and upbringing. I am going to be 23 and have never been into the clubbing or partying scene. I married at 19 and have been married 4 years now to my husband who is 28. We have close to a 6 year age difference and I feel we are on the same level. We are both working on bachelors degrees and once we finish school with rewarding careers, we'd like to start a family. Everyone gives us a bad rap about not being into drinking, but we're just not into any of that and never have been. I've also chosen friends wisely who are in the same stage of life as me.
FitChick Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 He told me straight up that even at almost 50, he's not mature and wants to fool around, so he doesn't want a mature woman. He even asked me how I felt about him dating someone my age (He's 27 years older than me.) Tell him to fix you up with a guy his age and then you could double date.
Arasae Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 He can't ethically ask me out ... and I would like to put myself out there like, but am concerned that I've read into what he is saying incorrectly and am going to look like a fool. Thoughts or advice? I was in a similar situation with an ex professor of mine a few years ago, although were not that far apart in age (6 years or so). As we are now engaged, I can tell you that going for it was far more worth it than wondering about what might have been. I, too, am becoming a teacher, so I asked him to coffee under the guise of wanting advice.. Long story short, we kept talking afterwards and I eventually owned up to my interest in him, and the rest is history. Wait until you are not his patient, then ask him to chat with you about your similar field over coffee. If he shows up, he's likely interested. If he declines, he's not or can't for job related issues. Go for it!
monkey00 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) I think it really depends on the emotional maturity of both parties. I had a roommate in her late 30's who behaved childish and immature and was fwb with someone 10 years her junior. I've gone out with women who were 2-few years older than me who seemed pretty grounded and lived boring lives because they were set in their careers, some seemed as if the weight of the world sat heavily on their shoulders. I'm late 20's btw. IME, I find myself most compatible with women who are around my age or around 1-3 years younger. We seem to be compatible on the emotional, interests, career, life stage/activities area. One of the biggest benefits that comes with age is that you grow more secure and confident with yourself from your experiences, and I find that more women are attracted to me than compared to when I was younger, insecure, and needier..and probably not as well dressed either. But as for the OP, I would find 10+/- age difference would be too far a gap for me. Edited January 20, 2012 by monkey00
Author ivyvine Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 I was in a similar situation with an ex professor of mine a few years ago, although were not that far apart in age (6 years or so). As we are now engaged, I can tell you that going for it was far more worth it than wondering about what might have been. Wait until you are not his patient, then ask him to chat with you about your similar field over coffee. If he shows up, he's likely interested. If he declines, he's not or can't for job related issues. Go for it! Thanks, Arasae. I have to say that I have been uncertain about what to do because I have gotten such negative feedback (with some exceptions). I really appreciate your story ... although mine is a much more extreme age difference, you have made me feel better about possibly just jumping in. (Even he told me I have to put myself out there ...)
Feelin Frisky Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 A recent discussion with some of my girlfriends brought up the topic of older men dating younger women (extreme age difference, between 15 and 20 years). I was the youngest in our group by many years and I was the only one who didn't automatically see a problem with it. So now I'm curious what others outside our microcosm have to say about it. How much of a difference is too much? Is it different if the female approaches the man or the man approaches the female? The younger the female is the more it usually matters. Any woman over 30 has carte blanche to entertain men of any legal age or level of seniority. My best friend is 56 and his new wife is 38. She has 3 kids and he has none just like me.
Arasae Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 (Even he told me I have to put myself out there ...) My fiancee did this, too. We had entire conversations about "gender in sociology" which was actually us poorly disguising our relationship philosophies. If this was an off hand comment made only once, then maybe it's innocent. If it's come up several times and it really seems like he's hinting, then you might just have something there. As long as you stay classy and make your interest known tactfully and in a way that enables him to say "no" if he wants/has to, you have nothing to lose. If you take care with your approach, then your worst case scenario is a short, MAYBE awkward moment. Again, go for it.
insertnamehere Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I've been all over the age chart in my time. 20+ older than me down to 12 years younger. There are two big factors. 1. The age difference makes the biggest difference in the early 20s. The difference between a 21 y.o. and a 26 y.o. can be vast. 2. A twenty year difference is almost insurmountable simply because you're at such different points in your life that your goals just aren't going to line up well enough to make a life together. In fairness, though, my dad was thirty years older than my mom. And they made it work. Sort of. Until he died of a heart attack, leaving her with three kids.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 As I've gotten older, I have also gotten more self awareness. I think younger women are willing to date older men because they don't always see what is going on while the older man is validating his worth through her age. But since most women what to find a partner, and not be a trophy, it's usually going to lead to some disatisfaction. I now avoid dating older men myself. I find men that are interested in dating younger women hold a certain mentality about women that they don't hold for themselves. They think their worth as men is better then that of a woman's. And it doesn't really bode well for even a younger woman to be with that kind of man. Truly, the golden egg is finding a man that likes women for the fact that she is a woman. And not qualfiers on her age that he places on her and not himself.
Eve Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I like to think that love is ageless and trophy relationships and all that don't really count. It's not real. Personally, I can't do the younger man thing because they remind me of my children, lol. Got a 24 year old (who is a sweetheart) after me at the moment. Even if I was single, it is doubtful that I would go there. It is just a fantasy. I like older men (10+ years) but would say that older men do get a bit too moody. I noticed the difference after spending time with the younger man (at the gym) and then coming home to my Hubby the other day. Take care, Eve x
salparadise Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Thanks, Arasae. I have to say that I have been uncertain about what to do because I have gotten such negative feedback (with some exceptions). I really appreciate your story ... although mine is a much more extreme age difference, you have made me feel better about possibly just jumping in. (Even he told me I have to put myself out there ...) +1! I say wait until after your last appointment and just go for it. Either ask him out point blank and quit worrying about whether or not it's awkward, or ask him to meet for coffee and let him take it from there. Age is only a barrier if there are significant differences in attitudes, or the practicalities (kids, etc.) are insurmountable. I definitely would not advise you to overlook a potentially wonderful guy and great relationship because of imaginary stuff. Much of the way things are with respect to age and gender is actually biological. We are all predisposed to equating attractiveness in the opposite sex with reproductive potential. Men continue to have high reproductive potential much later in the life cycle than women, therefore you see older men and younger women having successful relationships much more often. Additionally, older men are often more able to offer things that equate to reproductive potential for women––financial resources, status, wisdom, and sociological advantages through large networks of established friends and professional colleagues, which equates to ability to deliver resources that give potential offspring advantages in life. These things factor into the attractiveness quotient for women. For men attractiveness is much more about physical beauty and youth, since physical health, good genes, and being of optimal child-bearing age equate to reproductive potential in women. All of this is amazingly synergistic when you think about it.
FitChick Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 That becomes less and less relevant with each passing decade as women earn more money and more people of both sexes choose to be childfree. Women also have more options to appear much younger than their age.
Woggle Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I don't think it is just money why some women want older men. Some women want a guy who is mature and doesn't still act like a frat guy. For people who are more mature than their age sometimes they date older in order to have a true match. The same goes for men that date older women. A big reason some men date older women is because they don't have the drama and games of many women their age. They actually appreciate real nice guys. Some people mature faster than others and they look for a mate that reflects that.
123321 Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 A lot of the time when young guys date older women it's because they want the sex without relationship expectations. When young women date older men it's often the opposite. As long as it was legal and I was attracted I would go out with a girl no matter how old she is. And the reason I say legal isn't because I think its evil to go out with a girl under 18 (or what ever the age by law is) but because I'm not out of control and don't want to end up in jail. Well stated. I have no interest in having kids, I just want a partner to share my life with ... I was in the hospital visiting a friend yesterday and a woman there in her early 20 was giving birth, the father, her BF, was 71. She was a beautiful girl too.
Author ivyvine Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice and words of encouragement. I think at this point I would rather risk suffering a semi-awkward situation than wonder "what if" for years. I have my final appointment Friday. I'm almost done reading the book he recommended, I will bring it up at the appointment and go from there. Wish me luck.
FitChick Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I just heard comedian Kathy Griffin's boyfriend is nearly 20 years younger.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I don't think it is just money why some women want older men. Some women want a guy who is mature and doesn't still act like a frat guy. For people who are more mature than their age sometimes they date older in order to have a true match. The same goes for men that date older women. A big reason some men date older women is because they don't have the drama and games of many women their age. They actually appreciate real nice guys. Some people mature faster than others and they look for a mate that reflects that. But in today's world, it actually seems like older people are less mature then they are more mature compared to previous generations. Alot of older people still want to pretend they are 25. I find this much more apparent in men then women. Based on my own experiences. I'm not saying all big age difference relatoinships are bad. But as I've gotten older and gotten moer experience with men, there appears to be more men out there that think they deserve younger partners for whatever reason then there are men that just like women for who they are no matter their age.
silvermercy Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 But in today's world, it actually seems like older people are less mature then they are more mature compared to previous generations. Alot of older people still want to pretend they are 25. I find this much more apparent in men then women. Based on my own experiences. I'm not saying all big age difference relatoinships are bad. But as I've gotten older and gotten moer experience with men, there appears to be more men out there that think they deserve younger partners for whatever reason then there are men that just like women for who they are no matter their age. That observation is true. I have the impression that men of early generations (i.e. 19th century) matured much faster than today. Perhaps it was because they had to struggle to survive or work hard much earlier. They had to go to the army with all those punishing regimes and so on... Many of them got married at 18 to their childhood sweetheart but still had genuine and happy marriages that lasted a lifetime deep into their old age. The majority didn't go after younger chicks when they got older. I think our oversexed instant-gratification society today delays this maturation stage with an obvious impact on relationships. It's more obvious with men (young and old), but lately this applies to women, too.
Eve Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Sooooooo... What happened? Did you ask? Yeah, what happened? Personally I think he is too old. I have come to the conclusion that it is possible to have a fascination with a certain age range but once thats done.. well it's either over or something interesting has to happen. .. but that's me. Take care, Eve x
Author ivyvine Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Well ... I chickened out last minute. We had a nice conversation about the type of man he thinks I need to be with. He told me to make an appointment for six months from now, but to feel free to stop in before that if necessary. Hopefully I can work up the courage to do it before the six month appointment! However, I also just learned that my ex is seeing someone and it hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I don't think I am emotionally prepared for dating just yet, so hopefully chickening out was not the worst thing in the world. I know I'll eventually ask my doctor out, it's just a matter of when I can work up the courage ... Thanks for asking! And I will keep you updated as things (hopefully) progress.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 That observation is true. I have the impression that men of early generations (i.e. 19th century) matured much faster than today. Perhaps it was because they had to struggle to survive or work hard much earlier. They had to go to the army with all those punishing regimes and so on... Many of them got married at 18 to their childhood sweetheart but still had genuine and happy marriages that lasted a lifetime deep into their old age. The majority didn't go after younger chicks when they got older. I think our oversexed instant-gratification society today delays this maturation stage with an obvious impact on relationships. It's more obvious with men (young and old), but lately this applies to women, too. I couldn't agree more with everything you said Silvermercy. It's right on target. And I agree that we are seeing it in women now too.
aj22one Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Women tend to prefer men to be a little older than them (5-7 years). A lot of them don't prefer very large age gaps, but in general they do like somewhat older men. You can't' blame men for merely accommodating female dating preferences.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I think it makes you feel better to think that aj, but I've never ever heard a woman say "I prefer a man to be older than me." I also don't think this is a case of men "merely accomdating female dating prefences." Not by a long shot.
aj22one Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I think it makes you feel better to think that aj, but I've never ever heard a woman say "I prefer a man to be older than me." I also don't think this is a case of men "merely accomdating female dating prefences." Not by a long shot. Haha well my gf is my age (well a few months younger) so there's no freudian slip thing going on. Besides I'm only 25 so I can only go so young (legally at least ). But I did my own research looking at Okcupid users in my area (Washington D.C.). And my findings supported what I'm saying: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307757/ You know, maybe it's just the women in my area, but I see it all the time.
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