ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 A recent discussion with some of my girlfriends brought up the topic of older men dating younger women (extreme age difference, between 15 and 20 years). I was the youngest in our group by many years and I was the only one who didn't automatically see a problem with it. So now I'm curious what others outside our microcosm have to say about it. How much of a difference is too much? Is it different if the female approaches the man or the man approaches the female?
thatone Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 i have a range of +/- 5 years. i have had a FWB situation with a particularly attractive and personable woman 10 years older than me before, but the age difference took relationship off the table instantly. i can't deal with young/inexperienced and i can't deal with a grandmother when i don't even want kids. so that's me from the perspective of the typical middle aged man.
Author ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 So if you were to meet a women in her late 20s and you just automatically hit it off with her you would not even bother asking her out?
Jane2011 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I'm often physically attracted (even surface personality attracted) to men a lot younger than me (more than ten years younger). But for emotional satisfaction, good conversations, similar attitudes/behaviors about relationships, I seem to get that only from men who are within five years of my age.
Dust Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 As long as it was legal and I was attracted I would go out with a girl no matter how old she is. And the reason I say legal isn't because I think its evil to go out with a girl under 18 (or what ever the age by law is) but because I'm not out of control and don't want to end up in jail.
SJC2008 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Right now I really have no preference because I'm busy with school and work so I don't have the time to put an effort into a serious r. Now when I graduate a year and a half from now my age range will be 26-30. I'm attracted to all age ranges and have even caught myself finding late 40's woman attractive but I'd like to have kids one day so when I get serious 30 is my limit and I'd like to keep it a few below that if I had it my way. I just turned 30.
oren ish Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 its hard work with that much generation shift, trust me... Initially and i am speaking from an older man younger woman situation here the attraction is there be whatever but your peer groups are so different... you are both in love if you can get past the honeymoon stage... 7 times out of 10 i find it crashes hard...
Dust Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 its hard work with that much generation shift, trust me... Initially and i am speaking from an older man younger woman situation here the attraction is there be whatever but your peer groups are so different... you are both in love if you can get past the honeymoon stage... 7 times out of 10 i find it crashes hard... I'd say 8 out of 10 times same age relationships crash
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 A recent discussion with some of my girlfriends brought up the topic of older men dating younger women (extreme age difference, between 15 and 20 years). I was the youngest in our group by many years and I was the only one who didn't automatically see a problem with it. So now I'm curious what others outside our microcosm have to say about it. How much of a difference is too much? Is it different if the female approaches the man or the man approaches the female? OP, I think your older friends just understand why older guys seek out much younger women. And to a lesser extent why older women seek out younger guys. There usually is a difference in experience that presents a power play. </p> Basically, there is a reason most people date someone in their age bracket. Theres usually a maturity difference and life experience difference thats apparent when dating with age gaps. It would seem older folks know this, especially the older guys, which is why they seek out younger girls just for sex. It works both ways but hardly goes beyond that. I think both parties know that differences would be too much relationship wise, and just leave things casual. </p> Personally, I could never date someone outside of my age bracket because we are in different stages of life. I could have flings though sure...but im more open to relationships with women 22 to 24. Im 25 myself and women younger than that are too immature usually and not on my level experience wise. A few years is a lot when youre young. When it comes to older women, they are usually looking to settle down, and I wouldnt mind a woman a little older as long as she wanted to take things slow.Aside from all that, im happy to have some fun with older women in their 30s or 40s. I kinda get off on the idea of being her man whos also her young boy toy. If that makes sense.
setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) My husband is almost 6 years older than me and we get along great, never even notice the age difference. I'm almost 23 and he's 28. I feel I am very mature for my age and not into partying, drinking or drugs like many people my age may get into. I feel we are on the same level emotionally. Honestly, I wouldn't date past 10 years. I think there gets to be a point where you find your self having less and less in common due different generations. Maybe it's music taste or being more worldly than someone much younger than you. From experience, my dad's ex wife was 20 years younger than him. He'd have the nerve to tell us to call her "mom" when she was only 6 years older than me and 2 years older than my brother. It was a sham wedding and he made it known he only married her so she could get her green card, citizenship and her daughter here from Mongolia while he had a young trophy wife for sex. He openly told everyone he was "helping her out", and still just referred to her as his girlfriend when they were married. They were married for 5 years and once she obtained citizenship, she was out the door. I think she is a nice person, but my dad wanted us to see her as a mother figure even though she was not old enough to be a mother to us nor was it a real marriage. Now he goes for all these women a lot younger than him of ethnic origin and I think it's a bad idea, because he definitely looks his age and a lot of these people have one thing in common, to get residency or citizenship. I'm not saying people of large age difference can't make it work, many people can. But the more the age disparity, the more you have to be careful about this type of thing. Edited January 19, 2012 by setsenia
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 six years isnt the kind of age gaps we are talking about. Especially when you are already 23 years old its not a big deal really. OP meant something closer to a decade difference. Which youve seemed to agree is a bit much. I forgot the term, but theres a term used is sociology for people in the same age bracket who share things in common in terms or music, tv shows and other interets growing up. Either way I feel bad for your pop. I dont know why people put themselves in certain relationships to be used at times. Older people should know better, and young people shoulder use their youth to exploit others....o wells
Dust Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 six years isnt the kind of age gaps we are talking about. Especially when you are already 23 years old its not a big deal really. OP meant something closer to a decade difference. Which youve seemed to agree is a bit much. I forgot the term, but theres a term used is sociology for people in the same age bracket who share things in common in terms or music, tv shows and other interets growing up. Either way I feel bad for your pop. I dont know why people put themselves in certain relationships to be used at times. Older people should know better, and young people shoulder use their youth to exploit others....o wells Thats bigger then your age gap. You're 25 and say you don't want to date women under 22 or something. She's 23 and married to some one 28... that means she might have been younger then 20 and the guy your age when they ment... You shouldn't have age requirements. If it's legal and your attracted so be it!
setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) Well, my dad knew what he was getting himself into when he married her. She was 24 and he was 44 at the time, only together a few months before they secretly got hitched and didn't tell us until months later. I was 17 and living with them at the time. He agreed to help her get her daughter here, because she was in tears all the time. Although, he acts all surprised when she got her daughter here, her citizenship, her career together and now at 29 she wants another baby. I don't blame her, but my dad acts as if he didn't see it coming. Their divorce was final a few months back and I think one of the reasons they divorced is that she really wanted him to consider having a child with her. My dad is almost 50 with two kids who are 23 and 27. He's made it known for years he wants no more kids. This is another thing you have to consider when dealing with such a large age difference. His Ex-w didn't think she wanted any more kids, but 4-5 years later, she changed her mind. You cannot always control who you fall in love with, so if it works for you, go for it! Just make sure you are with them and they are with you for the right reasons. Edited January 19, 2012 by setsenia
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Thats bigger then your age gap. You're 25 and say you don't want to date women under 22 or something. She's 23 and married to some one 28... that means she might have been younger then 20 and the guy your age when they ment... You shouldn't have age requirements. If it's legal and your attracted so be it! Shes an exception to the rule. Theres a reason most people date close to their age. Maturity and life experience need to match up and that usually happens with someone your own age. I can walk circles around younger immature girls so i prefer someone my age.</p> Lets not act like guys go after much younger women with the best intentions usually. Plus I get more satisfaction out of getting a 22 year old gal than an 18 year old who barely knows what from where yet.
Author ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 I'm 26 years old, got out of a very long term relationship last year and have found dating to be extraordinarily painful. It's certainly true that in your 20's even 2 - 3 years can make a difference (yes, there are exceptions), the guys I have met that are younger than me seem to act like children. The guys who are between 26 - 30 only seem to be interested in sleeping around. I have gone on dates with men in their early to mid 30s and to be honest, they are no different than the men in my age bracket. I agree that 15 - 20 years is a ridiculously large age difference, but the only men I have met that are even halfway ready to stop playing around and act like men are at least in their late 30s+. Not to mention, these are the men I've had the most interesting conversations with. While I'm not seeking out an older man, if someone older than me (15 - 20 years) asked me out and it was someone I respected and knew the conversation between us flowed naturally, I would go. This was the big controversy among my single girlfriends in their late 30s - their blanket statement was that a man dating a woman that much younger definitely had something wrong. Do you older men out there have any thoughts on this?
Emilia Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I've dated from 15- to 5+ up to now, I used to be married to the 5+ in my 20s. I have to say one of the most influencial persons in my life so far has been the man who was 15 years younger than me (he was 21 when we met). The feeling is mutual and we still have a strong connection today. I think a person who is at a very different stage in their life can bring something that will be either completely alien to you or will astound you and open your eyes even wider. Most people become better rounded (ie more mature) as they go through different life experiences and for that reason I'm looking for someone around my age. I can't deal with the fuddy duddys though and still feel a strong attraction for younger men, I like their cheekiness and banter. In my social circles most are younger than me due to my hobbies so I suppose to a degree it's what I'm used to.
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I'm 26 years old, got out of a very long term relationship last year and have found dating to be extraordinarily painful. It's certainly true that in your 20's even 2 - 3 years can make a difference (yes, there are exceptions), the guys I have met that are younger than me seem to act like children. The guys who are between 26 - 30 only seem to be interested in sleeping around. I have gone on dates with men in their early to mid 30s and to be honest, they are no different than the men in my age bracket. I agree that 15 - 20 years is a ridiculously large age difference, but the only men I have met that are even halfway ready to stop playing around and act like men are at least in their late 30s+. Not to mention, these are the men I've had the most interesting conversations with. While I'm not seeking out an older man, if someone older than me (15 - 20 years) asked me out and it was someone I respected and knew the conversation between us flowed naturally, I would go. This was the big controversy among my single girlfriends in their late 30s - their blanket statement was that a man dating a woman that much younger definitely had something wrong. Do you older men out there have any thoughts on this? Maybe your selection criteria is off because guys usually wanna settle down around 30. Thats prolly the age Ill slow things down. I actually plan to start looking for the right gal in my late 20s so I can be ready for kids and stuff at 30. We will see how it goes.
Author ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Maybe your selection criteria is off because guys usually wanna settle down around 30. Thats prolly the age Ill slow things down. I actually plan to start looking for the right gal in my late 20s so I can be ready for kids and stuff at 30. We will see how it goes. Kaylan, I thought the same about the criteria/age group. So I went on a couple of dates with a guy in his mid 30s and he was not at all different from the guys in their late 20s. I wish I could say it was just one example, but even among my guy friends, no one is looking to settle down .... even the ones in their 30s. I have no interest in having kids, I just want a partner to share my life with and I recently met a man in his mid 40s that I am crazy about. (It's not going to happen, but a girl can dream ...) Which is what sparked the conversation about whether these large age differences are OK or not.
kaylan Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) Well just make sure they have good intentions, because I wouldnt be surprised if a dude whos 20 years older than you isnt just on good behavior so he could get a young chick. Usually the problem with dating older is that eventually things can not work out because of the different stages in life. You could possibly change your mind about kids, and a much older guy probably isnt gonna be down for kids. Or when your in your 30s and 40s when a womans sex drive goes up, youre with a guy in his 50s and 60s when a guys drive goes down quite a bit. Not to mention all the other things that go along with aging. Id imagine its easier to understand those things when one is that age as well. But Im just giving you my reasoning on why I personally couldnt do it really, aside from a fling. I wish ya luck, but Im just trying to give ya a realists perspective. Edited January 19, 2012 by kaylan
thatone Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 So if you were to meet a women in her late 20s and you just automatically hit it off with her you would not even bother asking her out? late 20s i think is ok. early 20s, not so much. it would depend on the person but if she weren't also in her early 30s at least i would have lesser expectations until proven otherwise, if that makes sense. i'm 35.
setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Well just make sure they have good intentions, because I wouldnt be surprised if a dude whos 20 years older than you isnt just on good behavior so he could get a young chick. Usually the problem with dating older is that eventually things can not work out because of the different stages in life. You could possibly change your mind about kids, and a much older guy probably isnt gonna be down for kids. Definitely agree with this sentiment. This is exactly how was for my dad and even after his Ex-w, he's still going for the young chicks, possibly even younger. I also think it's due to his immaturity. He told me straight up that even at almost 50, he's not mature and wants to fool around, so he doesn't want a mature woman. He even asked me how I felt about him dating someone my age (He's 27 years older than me.) I honestly think that crossed the line, LOL. He obviously didn't learn his lesson with his Ex-w. But he's definitely one of those guys who would be glorified to have a young chick, because he thinks he must look really young to attract them.
Author ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 I agree with everything you are saying about why it would probably not work out long term. As I think I mentioned before, I was with my last partner for the majority of my adult life and have found dating very disappointing thus far, and I have certainly thought about why a large age difference is such a bad idea. I have only known two women who married older men (and I didn't know them well); one was a marriage of convenience and the other really seemed legitimate, but she is now a widow. Since a couple of you seem to have more exposure to this I want to lay it all out and you can tell me if I'm delusional (and maybe I should just start a new thread ...). This man is my doctor (specialist, not GP), and I only have one more appointment with him so I will no longer be his patient soon. I thought he was wonderful from my very first visit. We have a great rapport and the last time I was in we started talking about his volunteer work abroad (he has gone to my home country ... and not what you think, you would never know I'm not white if I didn't tell you), he practiced his Spanish on me and gave me career advice (I'm going to school to be a NP). Then we talked about our past relationships and why they hadn't worked out, why he didn't have children and why I didn't really want any. He gave me some dating advice, told me I should be willing to approach and ask men out because women are less likely to be turned down than men. And then he recommended a book for me to read on how women and men communicate. I think there is definitely some attraction, but it could be me being hopeful. A good friend took me to a post-op appointment and said she was surprised at how flirtatious he was and she too noticed that there was some tension in the room. He can't ethically ask me out ... and I would like to put myself out there like, but am concerned that I've read into what he is saying incorrectly and am going to look like a fool. Thoughts or advice?
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I agree with everything you are saying about why it would probably not work out long term. As I think I mentioned before, I was with my last partner for the majority of my adult life and have found dating very disappointing thus far, and I have certainly thought about why a large age difference is such a bad idea. I have only known two women who married older men (and I didn't know them well); one was a marriage of convenience and the other really seemed legitimate, but she is now a widow. Since a couple of you seem to have more exposure to this I want to lay it all out and you can tell me if I'm delusional (and maybe I should just start a new thread ...). This man is my doctor (specialist, not GP), and I only have one more appointment with him so I will no longer be his patient soon. I thought he was wonderful from my very first visit. We have a great rapport and the last time I was in we started talking about his volunteer work abroad (he has gone to my home country ... and not what you think, you would never know I'm not white if I didn't tell you), he practiced his Spanish on me and gave me career advice (I'm going to school to be a NP). Then we talked about our past relationships and why they hadn't worked out, why he didn't have children and why I didn't really want any. He gave me some dating advice, told me I should be willing to approach and ask men out because women are less likely to be turned down than men. And then he recommended a book for me to read on how women and men communicate. I think there is definitely some attraction, but it could be me being hopeful. A good friend took me to a post-op appointment and said she was surprised at how flirtatious he was and she too noticed that there was some tension in the room. He can't ethically ask me out ... and I would like to put myself out there like, but am concerned that I've read into what he is saying incorrectly and am going to look like a fool. Thoughts or advice? I'll preface my advice by saying I've always been more attracted to older guys...not necessarily as large of a gap as 15-20 years, but my last boyfriend was 11 years my senior and my current one is 7 years my senior. My current boyfriend is also a doctor (a specialist, as the one you're referring to is) and has said that these situations have arisen before and they're very awkward and uncomfortable. Patients would sometimes mistake his friendliness and compassion for romantic interest and he simply couldn't oblige them, it would be a cardinal sin in his profession and he could get in serious trouble with the hospital. Is the doctor you're seeing employed by a hospital, or his own private practice? That could actually make a big difference as to how much of a professional risk he'd be taking if he were to date you.
Author ivyvine Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 He is in a private practice. And I have to be honest, I am really torn about this whole situation. He is a very nice guy and I had not thought anything of it (besides my crush) until my friend started to point out how certain things he said in our conversation could be understood as him hitting on me. In fact, a guy I had gone on a date with came over one night and saw the book on my coffee table and we started talking about it. When I told him my doctor had recommended it, the guy said, very matter of factly, "I hope you know he's trying to pick you up". Again, I feel like I'm basing a lot on what friends have said and now what started as a crush is just out of control. I'm going to use the book (I'm almost done reading it and I see him next week) as a starting point and go from there. But yes, I see this turning into a potentially awkward situation. I would appreciate ANY advice you may have.
stitch702 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I have just gotten out of LTR with a woman who had just turned 21 and I am 26. I don' t think I will ever date a woman who is younger than 21. I thought that I could look past her level of emotional immaturity and lack of experience...but in the end we both wanted two different things because we were on two different levels. It felt that when I would grow from a certain phase or developmental stage she would just jump into it. I.e. I became tired of clubbing and partying while she was just slowly starting to discover it. However, I have met women who were in the 18-21 range who were very mature for their age just because of the difficult life they experienced. I have not met too many of those though, but if I did find myself attracted to one of them I woulndn't hesitate to date them.
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