JudgeJuryExecutioner Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It is like clock-work: every two weeks she calls or sends a perfunctory text message. I've been NC since late summer, but alas, it does not seem to register. She stated I'm "punishing her". Yet, I did not initiate the breakup. I love this woman but my tolerance for self-inflicted craziness is starting to wear thin. It was emotionally taxing being with her because of precisely this reason: impulsivity and indeterminate attitude towards relationships in particular and decision-making in general (i.e. she is consistent in being inconsistent). I've been a gentleman during the whole long-drawn out breakup melodrama, and have on numerous occasions reiterated my set of core values: I want a committed relationship / no half-measures. She cannot provide this and friendship being a fraud, thus I've decided to conceptualize my life distinct from her own - however, she still clings to my continual presence. I believe it an issue of conscience; she wants me to appease it, and remark flippantly: "I am okay, you did not hurt me and impact my life negatively on a real visceral level". As if her decisions have no direct import or consequence. Or is that really her true intention? We were together for several years (on/off) and the enduring theme was always "half of me wants to be with you and the other half does not". She also texted me that "she wishes things were different". However, unlike the vast majority of forum members, I do not spend hours deconstructing harmless comments. Why, history has taught me that it is only "bait". It's a weird, convoluted emotion that I often feel - consisting of sourness tinged with glimpses of affection. Yes, she still elicits a reaction (proves I'm human). I digress, what I wanted to know is if anyone ever experienced a dumper ex who somehow never really disappears?
Author JudgeJuryExecutioner Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Lastly, the best advice LS has offered me is the humbling perspective of the divorce and separation forum.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) We were together for several years (on/off) and the enduring theme was always "half of me wants to be with you and the other half does not". She also texted me that "she wishes things were different". However, unlike the vast majority of forum members, I do not spend hours deconstructing harmless comments. See what I bolded and underlined. This is the reason you are posting on this board. Here, let me spell it out for you, shes saying "She loves you but shes not in love with you." So what does this mean, she wants to be in love with you. How do you become in love with you, you chase them, you make them feel special. After you catch them, you continue to chase them and make them feel special Edited January 19, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Philosoraptor Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 You can't make someone mature. If you could there would be less excitement around this place. She seems to need some sort of validation from you. Good for you for sticking to your values and not taking less than you want. But you are allowing her to stay in your life. My simple solution would be to get my number changed.
Author JudgeJuryExecutioner Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 That damn heart felt pang draws me back to the forum. Dark Phoenix: Chasing is no longer a viable option. I've done that for years, and it simply re-entrenches the maladaptive behavior - it just normalizes the push/pull dynamic. I have nothing to prove to this woman. My character is not on trial. Rather, a role reversal is order in terms of chasing. What I was looking for was some insight into why a woman would exit a relationship and persistently still call? She, theoretically, has what she "wants". I guess I figured the crashingly obvious realization would eventually hit. That is, our relationship is over. Yet, it really has not been made real, rather held in suspended animation. I wanted to field this question: has anyone been dumped, went NC, but the ex keeps calling for months despite it? Philosoraptor: I could never do that.
EgoJoe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 She wants you to chase. Disrespect her, tell her off and block her from your life. ****, threaten to call the police if you have to.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 That damn heart felt pang draws me back to the forum. Dark Phoenix: Chasing is no longer a viable option. I've done that for years, and it simply re-entrenches the maladaptive behavior - it just normalizes the push/pull dynamic. I have nothing to prove to this woman. My character is not on trial. Rather, a role reversal is order in terms of chasing. What I was looking for was some insight into why a woman would exit a relationship and persistently still call? She, theoretically, has what she "wants". I guess I figured the crashingly obvious realization would eventually hit. That is, our relationship is over. Yet, it really has not been made real, rather held in suspended animation. I wanted to field this question: has anyone been dumped, went NC, but the ex keeps calling for months despite it? Philosoraptor: I could never do that. Chasing is vital in any relationship, even in long term marriages. The action of chasing could be something as simple as a text that says I love you or I miss you, a simple phone call, a flower left on the bed for her, a romantic picnic out, a thank you note appreciating her for being a great girlfriend/wife. It keeps the "spark" alive. Its called romance. The problem isnt her, the problem is you, you gave up after you got the prize and dont feel like relighting the spark within yourself. You sit back butt hurt and say, she left me but she keeps calling me like clockwork. You have 2 choices: Accept the phone call or ignore them. The problem is you are avoiding. Doing one of the other causes more conflict within yourself and thats why you are posting here for answers to your situation about an ex continuously calling you like clockwork
Jono85 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 She doesn't disappear because you don't really want her to disappear. Fact.
fetish1980 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) JudgeJury, Your ex sounds a lot like mine, so i can relate. Same Push/Pull tactic, consistent on being inconsistent (mind goes in too many circles). I've been broken up for a year now after 8 years with her. I agree with Jono85, she doesn't disappear because you really don't want her to. That's understandable for you to feel that way. It's hard letting completely go of our exes. If you really wanted her to disappear, you'd simply tell her to get lost and never call again. But then you'd have little pangs of guilt following and then you'd be miserable again. I think you're going through a little attempt to feel sorry for her because you know that she knows she made a mistake. And it's a form of groveling that she's doing by checking on you making sure you haven't moved on. She needs you to fill up her ego tank. That's why she tries to guilt you by saying you're punishing her. You give conversation or some sort of attention, that makes her feel good for the moment. Then she'll go a little while, then she'll come back to you for an ego refillup. She's like a car, goes for a while, then has to stop and get a gasfill to keep going, and you're her gas station buddy! Keep pushing forward and don't let her make you feel guilty. I have the same type of manipulative, borderline personality disorder ex girlfriend and sadly the only way to get her out of you're orbit is to completely detach. Easier said then done, i know! fetish Edited February 13, 2012 by fetish1980
69ways Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It is like clock-work: every two weeks she calls or sends a perfunctory text message. I've been NC since late summer, but alas, it does not seem to register. She stated I'm "punishing her". Yet, I did not initiate the breakup. I love this woman but my tolerance for self-inflicted craziness is starting to wear thin. It was emotionally taxing being with her because of precisely this reason: impulsivity and indeterminate attitude towards relationships in particular and decision-making in general (i.e. she is consistent in being inconsistent). I've been a gentleman during the whole long-drawn out breakup melodrama, and have on numerous occasions reiterated my set of core values: I want a committed relationship / no half-measures. She cannot provide this and friendship being a fraud, thus I've decided to conceptualize my life distinct from her own - however, she still clings to my continual presence. I believe it an issue of conscience; she wants me to appease it, and remark flippantly: "I am okay, you did not hurt me and impact my life negatively on a real visceral level". As if her decisions have no direct import or consequence. Or is that really her true intention? We were together for several years (on/off) and the enduring theme was always "half of me wants to be with you and the other half does not". She also texted me that "she wishes things were different". However, unlike the vast majority of forum members, I do not spend hours deconstructing harmless comments. Why, history has taught me that it is only "bait". It's a weird, convoluted emotion that I often feel - consisting of sourness tinged with glimpses of affection. Yes, she still elicits a reaction (proves I'm human). I digress, what I wanted to know is if anyone ever experienced a dumper ex who somehow never really disappears? I have been through exactly the same. It can be very confusing when the initiate the break up and then they come back every few weeks to say they miss you or even say you are the one but you cant be together. My personal opinion is that you should stay away. I know is killing you inside but think about it. She is like an unstable boat,you never know when it will tip over. Bite the bait and then you will se her change 180 again to the person who does not want you back.....
Sugarkane Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 If this was one of us dumpees on here, what do you think she would do? Either get treated like crap or nothing but radio silence. If nothing can get resolved you should go NC.
Sugarkane Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I always fibd this a complete double standard on here. If the dumpee contacts- even for just closure, they call you a nutjob or crazy. Yet if your The dumper abd you contact it's okay? WTF?
broken-and-lost Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 maybe she wants closure from you like most people by not speaking to her it makes it worse as she will feel like you are punishing and that's probably why she is still reaching out to you maybe you should be the better person tell her you forgive her have no hard feelings and wish her well. She is obviously hurting and although you might have checked out already maybe you could do something selfless and give her the peace she needs to move on.
EgoJoe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Broken and Lost. She dumped him her emotions are no longer his responsibility.
fetish1980 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Broken and Lost. She dumped him her emotions are no longer his responsibility. Agree 100%. When a significant other leaves their mate whether its G.I.G.s or boredom, they're not thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves. Thus, they lose all the fringe benefits of the other person caring about their feelings. Now if a person leaves due to be being a victim of abuse (emotional or physical), cheating, or excessive lying, then that's different. fetish
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