gozone77 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 it's been a very rough two-year marriage, and through counseling (that she refuses to take part in), i have been slowly learning that we may very well be very different people with different directions in life and that i married before i knew myself and what i want love and life to be. this has been my first serious relationship (she's older and has had many relationships). there's also been some abuse/anger aspects to the marriage that i think make neither one of us very able to just move forward together. i believe it's possible to create a happy future through a significant amount of work, but it has to be together with a lot of love and acceptance, and i don't think that's going to happen. i also came into this relationship not wanting children, but after i turned 30, i've started thinking more about having children of my own with a partner who feels the same way. i wouldn't want to have kids with my wife even if she did want some more (which she doesn't). how do i approach the end of a relationship like this? i'll admit that her proclivity to anger and vengefulness scares the crap out of me. we don't own real estate, and we obviously don't have kids together. legally, i think the biggest thing would be splitting of shared assets (biggest asset is probably my car) and settling alimony if she seeks it. she works, and we're in the apartment she was in when we moved in together, and she has a son from a prior relationship. how do i handle a potentially "volatile" ending like this? i've really tried my best and have the best intentions.
Meatballsmom Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 To get a sense of the divorce laws, google the name of your state divorce laws
mark982 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 only 2 years, shouldn't owe any alimony, but do check the laws in your state
fucpcg Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 When my ex and I first started dating, it was a disaster, and can say honestly it was 100% on her end, because of her inability to give up drinking and partying. I broke up with her, she tried for a week nonstop to get me to talk about it, at which point I did. The result was a very happy wonderful relationship. Almost a year later we were having issues again, and I can say this time I was to blame. HOWEVER, she never once talked to me about what was bothering her, and because of this she did a great job of snowballing it into a huge disaster. Meaning, she eventually did break up with me, and when she did she said many valid things that concerned her, going back to day 1 of the relationship (though she NEVER mentioned these things before), then she said soooo many other things that were totally misconstrued or misunderstandings, but she took the negative viewpoint since she was pissed about the relationship. After breaking up with me, she refused any contact. No talking, no communication whatsoever, no acceptance to meet in counseling, NOTHING. I have never been with anyone before who absolutely refused to communicate during hard times, and when someone you love refuses flat out to speak, there is nothing more painful. I learned a very painful lesson over this, and basically it is RUN AWAY from any woman/man who does not want to communicate.
Author gozone77 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 When my ex and I first started dating, it was a disaster, and can say honestly it was 100% on her end, because of her inability to give up drinking and partying. I broke up with her, she tried for a week nonstop to get me to talk about it, at which point I did. The result was a very happy wonderful relationship. Almost a year later we were having issues again, and I can say this time I was to blame. HOWEVER, she never once talked to me about what was bothering her, and because of this she did a great job of snowballing it into a huge disaster. Meaning, she eventually did break up with me, and when she did she said many valid things that concerned her, going back to day 1 of the relationship (though she NEVER mentioned these things before), then she said soooo many other things that were totally misconstrued or misunderstandings, but she took the negative viewpoint since she was pissed about the relationship. After breaking up with me, she refused any contact. No talking, no communication whatsoever, no acceptance to meet in counseling, NOTHING. I have never been with anyone before who absolutely refused to communicate during hard times, and when someone you love refuses flat out to speak, there is nothing more painful. I learned a very painful lesson over this, and basically it is RUN AWAY from any woman/man who does not want to communicate. Very good thoughts.... I've always thought communcation should be natural between two people in a relationship. There should be no inhibitions about sharing something. If there is, it indicates a problem. I grew up an introvert, so it's taken some work for me to be able to speak up. I've certainly been guilty of keeping things in that I shouldn't, but I also think the other person should realize if they're with a more "quiet" person and do what they can to encourage openness. In my own situation, whenever I do open up and say some "tougher" things - something I don't like or don't understand - it usually draws a negative reaction of disbelief, blame, or anger/putdowns. There's a lack of respect in my situation. In your case, I agree with you 100%. Communcation is the foundation of everything!
Author gozone77 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 only 2 years, shouldn't owe any alimony, but do check the laws in your state Oh, I've already done that. I'm in California, so she can claim up to a calculated amount for a period of time equal to half the length of the marriage. The big aspects would be that and splitting community assets. Unfortunately, the biggest community asset is my car, but that's another story. I'm worried more about the emotional side of things. How do I prepare for a vengeful reaction? Do I tell her and then move out, to do the honorable thing so she has one less thing to pick on, or do I find a place in secret and drop the bomb last minute? Things like that....
SBC Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I'm worried more about the emotional side of things. How do I prepare for a vengeful reaction? Do I tell her and then move out, to do the honorable thing so she has one less thing to pick on, or do I find a place in secret and drop the bomb last minute? Things like that.... You have mentioned this twice and you even said that "her proclivity to anger and vengefulness scares the crap out of me." If you are worried about the safety of your physical person, if you believe that she may hurt you, you do anything and everything to protect yourself --because no one else will. Including securing a new place to live before telling her your intentions.
Recommended Posts