Any women out there in my situation?

[itsourchoice]

I am in a similar situation. His wife doesn't know. It hasn't been that long for me, only about six months, but as I was reading these posts I was so surprised to find myself wondering how in the world I became so attached to him so quickly. Up until yesterday, I thought I was keeping things separate. He lives far away, and we only see one another when we travel to do so... but are constantly texting, on the phone, etc. I really thought my two lives were not touching one another, but it isn't true. I tell him everything about my life, and he tells me all about his. We search for answers together when there is an issue with either one of us. My kids don't know him, but they know he is 'Mommy's friend'. I wonder how long I will be able to keep this up.

 

I actually posted recently, thinking nothing of my post, but when I read the responses, it really made me analyze my situation, my feelings. To be fair, I still don't know what they are. I love my relationship with MM, but I know our relationship is selfish. I just can't seem to stop myself, and neither can he. Sad part is, I don't think either of us want to. I don't know. Every time I post I just feel like I am rambling because my feelings take me places that I never knew existed. Sorry bout that. I am just trying to make sense of things. We are meeting up again in June... I wonder how I will feel after that...

[mzdolphin]

 

This is horrible.

 

It should not be a given...there is no point being in a so-called relationship, if it makes you cry yourself to sleep. None.

 

Is your MM planning to leave his marriage for you? Have you guys discussed this?

 

I've been off these boards for a while because I went no contact with ex MM. He recently contacted me and of course some of the feeling came back. But I noticed a difference in me. Four years ago I discovered LS looking for affirmation to support me wanting to stay with a man who had lied to me about his marital status.

 

Today I'm back looking for confirmation that I was correct in cutting this fool off. Posts that used to make me sad, the countless accounts from OW who cry themselves to sleep, now give me strength. Whew. I'm doing the right thing.

 

It will not be easy. But I will tell you this, regardless of your goal: to leave him or win him over, you will not achieve it if you keep sleeping with him. I think the reason this guy is back begging is because I did cut him off.

[fallen16]

I am in the same situation..........its been 4 years and trying to get out is killing me...it is so painful. I would never judge....just wanted you to know I am going thru the same hell.

[Owl]

To those of you who have mentioned that you've "tried" to end it, but couldn't because it was too hard...what did you actually DO to end it? What steps did you take to break things off, what support system did you put into place to keep you strong in weak moments, what measures did you take to prevent "accidental" contact between you when either of you felt weak?

[WildWildWest]

To end things with him.. I get fed up, get angry and tell him its over.. I tell him not to contact me anymore that I'm done.. That lasts a couple days and next thing I kno I get messages telling me he cant leave me alone, that I'm part of him, he loves me and he will do anyting I want as long as I dont leave him.. I always stay strong during those times of NC that have only lasted a week at its longest.. I never contact him first, I kno I should just get my number changed but it doesnt really matter cuz he knows where I work and he knows where I live, He is the type that just shows up.. I dont understand what it is between us but we cant leave each other alone.. I get to the point where I cant take it anymore and want to end it but he wont let me go.. I find myself right back where I started.. My mind knows I should let go but my heart wont let me.. I never wanted to admit that I'm in love with him.. I was in denial.. but It appears to be obvious to everyone else.. its soooo hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 4 years.. especially someone who is apart of it every single day.. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have started this!

[truthbetold]

It's sad that you find it "romantic" that he won't leave you alone and will just show up. I find it creepy, bordering on harrassing if you do indeed tell him to stay away, but nevertheless it definitely IS controlling, not romantic at all, sad you can't break free or see that.

[bentnotbroken]

To end things with him.. I get fed up, get angry and tell him its over.. I tell him not to contact me anymore that I'm done.. That lasts a couple days and next thing I kno I get messages telling me he cant leave me alone, that I'm part of him, he loves me and he will do anyting I want as long as I dont leave him.. I always stay strong during those times of NC that have only lasted a week at its longest.. I never contact him first, I kno I should just get my number changed but it doesnt really matter cuz he knows where I work and he knows where I live, He is the type that just shows up.. I dont understand what it is between us but we cant leave each other alone.. I get to the point where I cant take it anymore and want to end it but he wont let me go.. I find myself right back where I started.. My mind knows I should let go but my heart wont let me.. I never wanted to admit that I'm in love with him.. I was in denial.. but It appears to be obvious to everyone else.. its soooo hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 4 years.. especially someone who is apart of it every single day.. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have started this!

 

Try 20+ years. That's how many I had to walk away from because of situations like this. It can be done when it is what you want. You don't want it. So at least tell yourself the truth if no one else.

[2sunny]

To end things with him.. I get fed up, get angry and tell him its over.. I tell him not to contact me anymore that I'm done.. That lasts a couple days and next thing I kno I get messages telling me he cant leave me alone, that I'm part of him, he loves me and he will do anyting I want as long as I dont leave him.. I always stay strong during those times of NC that have only lasted a week at its longest.. I never contact him first, I kno I should just get my number changed but it doesnt really matter cuz he knows where I work and he knows where I live, He is the type that just shows up.. I dont understand what it is between us but we cant leave each other alone.. I get to the point where I cant take it anymore and want to end it but he wont let me go.. I find myself right back where I started.. My mind knows I should let go but my heart wont let me.. I never wanted to admit that I'm in love with him.. I was in denial.. but It appears to be obvious to everyone else.. its soooo hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 4 years.. especially someone who is apart of it every single day.. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have started this!

 

 

This is only his evidence that he's not respecting you, your choices and your boundary.

 

What is acceptable about a man who isn't respecting you - by not doing what you asked of him?

[2sunny]

To end things with him.. I get fed up, get angry and tell him its over.. I tell him not to contact me anymore that I'm done.. That lasts a couple days and next thing I kno I get messages telling me he cant leave me alone, that I'm part of him, he loves me and he will do anyting I want as long as I dont leave him.. I always stay strong during those times of NC that have only lasted a week at its longest.. I never contact him first, I kno I should just get my number changed but it doesnt really matter cuz he knows where I work and he knows where I live, He is the type that just shows up.. I dont understand what it is between us but we cant leave each other alone.. I get to the point where I cant take it anymore and want to end it but he wont let me go.. I find myself right back where I started.. My mind knows I should let go but my heart wont let me.. I never wanted to admit that I'm in love with him.. I was in denial.. but It appears to be obvious to everyone else.. its soooo hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 4 years.. especially someone who is apart of it every single day.. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have started this!

 

And this is the difference between "trying" and actually "doing".

 

When you decide and actually DO it - things will change for you.

[jwi71]

To end things with him.. I get fed up, get angry and tell him its over.. I tell him not to contact me anymore that I'm done.. That lasts a couple days and next thing I kno I get messages telling me he cant leave me alone, that I'm part of him, he loves me and he will do anyting I want as long as I dont leave him.. I always stay strong during those times of NC that have only lasted a week at its longest.. I never contact him first, I kno I should just get my number changed but it doesnt really matter cuz he knows where I work and he knows where I live, He is the type that just shows up.. I dont understand what it is between us but we cant leave each other alone.. I get to the point where I cant take it anymore and want to end it but he wont let me go.. I find myself right back where I started.. My mind knows I should let go but my heart wont let me.. I never wanted to admit that I'm in love with him.. I was in denial.. but It appears to be obvious to everyone else.. its soooo hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 4 years.. especially someone who is apart of it every single day.. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have started this!

 

 

Oh bull.

 

Owl's line (via Yoda) is spot on: Do or do not, there is no try.

 

You could end this EASILY.

 

He shows up at your door...don't open and call 911.

Change your phone number.

Tell your employer you are being stalked - and lets face it, he is. See how fast they come around and support you.

Tell his W. Nothing like a pi$$ed off W to keep him occupied.

 

See...I rattled off like 4 steps you can take NOW to end it.

You won't.

 

You'll (or some other poster) chime up about too harsh and he doesn't deserve it.

 

(of course, you totally deserve to be a worried, stressed out and utterly miserable woman (That's sarcasm for the uneducated amongst us))

 

That's something I call: making excuses for his bad behavior (which is tacit approval btw).

 

So...seeing as he isn't changing and you can't control HIM...I guess you will have to take control of this YOURSELF. Do something.

 

(hint: start with the first few lines above)

[The Blue Knight]

I don't typically post on this subject but I've been in some of these entanglements in the past (as a male) going way back in time.

 

Earlier today I posted some of the content below (between the lines). This was in reference to McSassy's posting about feeling like her husband was a "roommate" and her frustration with feeling overlooked in the areas of affection and sex. Some other married women posted similar complaints about their husbands lacking libidos.

 

Now, regarding affairs (what concerns you). Consider what I wrote on McSassy's posting below and I propose to you that the opposite psychology is in play here from what I told the ladies below. Instead of the Psychology of Availability affecting their husbands who are taking them for granted, those of you caught in the "other woman" mode are likely suffering from the Psychology of Unavailability. In other words, what you can't have is what you are most attracted too. Please read below:

 

__________________

Spouses or roommates???

What all of you ladies are talking about is the Psychology of Availability which is simply the understanding that those things in life that we pursue and desire are classified as commodities . . . those things that we long for and crave. But as with any commodity, once anything that was once a commodity is attained, the desire and craving depreciate over time steadily.

 

Humans are notorious in this area, and all of us do it to one degree or another. When something that we once desired becomes "too available" it is no longer craved in the same way that it once was. You classically here people on loveshack describe it as "being taken for granted" and for the most part, those who post such sentiments are indeed correct in their analysis.

 

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs also touches in this in a broader way. Once we have our "basic needs" met, we move on to things which are on higher on the needs scale. You ladies have met your husbands basic needs and he's off somewhere else emotionally with other interests and concerns.

 

The other common term you hear is "familiarity breeds contempt" meaning if you ladies are there and always available to your husbands, the luster is somewhat diminished because you are a commodity he has already attained. In his mind, he no longer has to work as hard for you to have you, because he's already got you.

 

With familiarity can come boredom and feelings of commonplace. Perfectly natural.

______________________

 

Now, is it possible that the reason those of you involved with married men feel so "addicted" to these men and these somewhat dire living conditions is because this is the classic case of wanting what isn't probable or possible? I'm tossing this out because I've heard this a number of times from women in affairs (I work in a profession where I run into this a bit too frequently I'm afraid). I'm not being judgmental. I'm just wondering if those of you involved with married men have stopped to consider what may be at work here? These men are commodities because you can't have them. Therefore, human nature creates in you a desire to have them that much more.

[BrighterWashing]

You say you've been trough a lot together. What exactly? I mean I know sometimes in a LTA it's tw mistress who takes over the primary role. I'm not hearing that here, sounds like she has all the milestones, all the mornings and all the real history and you have some sneaky good times in the cracks of her life. Doesn't sound like you've been through anything except a garden variety affair. I think this is one of our OW delusions. She thinks they went through "so much" together. I went through 15 ears of friendship and marriage, she had 5 min by comparison.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi WWW!

 

Been there done that! But now I AM OUT OF IT. And Happy! I was just like you, couldn't live without him...so in love...he was my world...STOP!!!!!

 

I just didn't like myself anymore when I was with a MM. I started really feeling sorry for his wife. She was home with the kids and he was with me.

Not a good feeling. I was tired of coming in second...ALL THE TIME. She came first along with his kids. So why not go be with her in the right way? He said he would never leave and He won't. Then go have a happy marriage.

 

He was very selfish in my book. He didn't have an ounce of remorse for what he was doing to his w and that made me take a second look at what I "Was supposed to be in love with". UGH....actually made me sick. He was a cake eater. He had me on the side and his wife at home. What man wouldn't want that?

 

You should have the best of everything and it is NOT with a Married Man.

If he won't leave her, then there really isn't anything wrong in their marriage. If he was THAT UNHAPPY, don't you think he would leave? Yeh, I get it.. kids, financial matters, they are all a cop out...blah blah blah, I have heard it all. THEY DON'T LEAVE!!!!! Now I just wish his w would find out because she has the right to know!

 

And, I, like you am single, and could not stand the LONELY LONELY NITES, WEEKENDS and HOLIDAYS....For what? NOTHING!!!!!! Broken promises, broken dreams and a broken heart. Is that the way you want to live your life? I don't think so.

 

I am not dating anyone at the moment...and yes I can be lonely at times, BUT I am not lonely because of him!

[findingnemo]

To all those who are in LTA's and feel like they can't live without him, let me tell you what happened with me. I'll be brief.

 

I love xMM more than anything in the world. I spent years in an A. He wouldn't leave his M, so I left him. I was determined to move on. I married, had kids, discovered my H was a danger to me and left him. All this time I still loved xMM but I wasn't in an A.

 

After my separation, I was torn by the fact that I loved xMM still. So I decided to get back in an A. I figured this is true love. I came here and was open about my feelings. I was given advice not to do it...to go NC. Fast forward many months, where am I at? I didn't take the advice but I had changed.

 

I realized, being here, that love is just not enough. I wanted more. So just as we resumed the A, I cut him off. Why? I will not get into a R where I'm bound to cry myself to sleep. It took one night of despair for me to remember all that I'd gone through in the past. I may love him but I love me more. In any case, he knows how I feel. So if he wants me, he should expect to be open about us. I refuse to be hidden, to be a secret. If there's to be a future for us, xMM better love me as much as I love him. This means he gets a D. I will not share him with his W...or anybody else for that matter. I figured out my bottom line...and I'm sticking with it.

 

It's okay to love someone, but what's your bottom line?

 

I'm not discounting how you feel about MM. Believe me, I know. I struggle still. What I'm saying is that you need to set some boundaries right now. This is very very hard when you're in this situation. It takes courage and sometimes sheer determination. But people often make difficult decisions about so many things in life. In many instances, we choose the best outcomes for us, sometimes the choices are painful but we do it. I decided to make the painful decision for both xMM and I.

[MissBee]

To all those who are in LTA's and feel like they can't live without him, let me tell you what happened with me. I'll be brief.

 

I love xMM more than anything in the world. I spent years in an A. He wouldn't leave his M, so I left him. I was determined to move on. I married, had kids, discovered my H was a danger to me and left him. All this time I still loved xMM but I wasn't in an A.

 

After my separation, I was torn by the fact that I loved xMM still. So I decided to get back in an A. I figured this is true love. I came here and was open about my feelings. I was given advice not to do it...to go NC. Fast forward many months, where am I at? I didn't take the advice but I had changed.

 

I realized, being here, that love is just not enough. I wanted more. So just as we resumed the A, I cut him off. Why? I will not get into a R where I'm bound to cry myself to sleep. It took one night of despair for me to remember all that I'd gone through in the past. I may love him but I love me more. In any case, he knows how I feel. So if he wants me, he should expect to be open about us. I refuse to be hidden, to be a secret. If there's to be a future for us, xMM better love me as much as I love him. This means he gets a D. I will not share him with his W...or anybody else for that matter. I figured out my bottom line...and I'm sticking with it.

It's okay to love someone, but what's your bottom line?

 

I'm not discounting how you feel about MM. Believe me, I know. I struggle still. What I'm saying is that you need to set some boundaries right now. This is very very hard when you're in this situation. It takes courage and sometimes sheer determination. But people often make difficult decisions about so many things in life. In many instances, we choose the best outcomes for us, sometimes the choices are painful but we do it. I decided to make the painful decision for both xMM and I.

 

Great post Nemo!

[The Blue Knight]

To all those who are in LTA's and feel like they can't live without him, let me tell you what happened with me. I'll be brief.

 

I love xMM more than anything in the world. I spent years in an A. He wouldn't leave his M, so I left him. I was determined to move on. I married, had kids, discovered my H was a danger to me and left him. All this time I still loved xMM but I wasn't in an A.

 

After my separation, I was torn by the fact that I loved xMM still. So I decided to get back in an A. I figured this is true love. I came here and was open about my feelings. I was given advice not to do it...to go NC. Fast forward many months, where am I at? I didn't take the advice but I had changed.

 

I realized, being here, that love is just not enough. I wanted more. So just as we resumed the A, I cut him off. Why? I will not get into a R where I'm bound to cry myself to sleep. It took one night of despair for me to remember all that I'd gone through in the past. I may love him but I love me more. In any case, he knows how I feel. So if he wants me, he should expect to be open about us. I refuse to be hidden, to be a secret. If there's to be a future for us, xMM better love me as much as I love him. This means he gets a D. I will not share him with his W...or anybody else for that matter. I figured out my bottom line...and I'm sticking with it.

 

It's okay to love someone, but what's your bottom line?

 

I'm not discounting how you feel about MM. Believe me, I know. I struggle still. What I'm saying is that you need to set some boundaries right now. This is very very hard when you're in this situation. It takes courage and sometimes sheer determination. But people often make difficult decisions about so many things in life. In many instances, we choose the best outcomes for us, sometimes the choices are painful but we do it. I decided to make the painful decision for both xMM and I.

That sums it up pretty well.