Letting go?

[Crapdiem]

When do you let go of the A? It has been 9 months since Dday for me, and a year to the day that my husband started sleeping with another woman.

 

He has definitely changed. He is more affectionate, more caring, takes time to make sure I feel loved and tries to show me he values me and aprpeciates me. We have incorporated weekly date nights and are trying to communicate more. We have set up "talk date night" once a week at home where we go over our week, how things are going, just to make sure we are in the habit of communicating. I KNOW he is trying and I see it.

 

But I see the OW allllll the time. Small town. It feels like a punch in the throat every time. And I want to tell him, to talk about the affair again. To talk about why and go over more. I think about it at work, driving to work, at night when I am home alone (he works varying shifts, military). Seeing her is really hard. At what point am I not letting it go? Am I dwelling on it to the point of inhibiting recovery???? Is it unhealthy to still be focused on it like this???? When do you stop bringing it up because it hurts the future?

[2sure]

Given the timing, one year, you have an excellent topic for your "Talk Date" with your husband.

 

You state you are both working on reconciling the marriage, improving it, and communicating more.

 

Well this is a big one. You need to tell him how you feel. It is not a question of is it ok to feel that way. You do. Its bothering you, its on your mind, it is making you unhappy. Even if the problem cannot be solved...this is something that simply must be shared.

 

So you have talked about it and argued about a million times. Its only been a year, and you have to see this woman. If you are truly in this together, then you need to tell him how you feel.

[frozensprouts]

Given the timing, one year, you have an excellent topic for your "Talk Date" with your husband.

 

You state you are both working on reconciling the marriage, improving it, and communicating more.

 

Well this is a big one. You need to tell him how you feel. It is not a question of is it ok to feel that way. You do. Its bothering you, its on your mind, it is making you unhappy. Even if the problem cannot be solved...this is something that simply must be shared.

 

So you have talked about it and argued about a million times. Its only been a year, and you have to see this woman. If you are truly in this together, then you need to tell him how you feel.

 

this is really excellent advice.

 

I have been where you are...it's hard when you have to see the "other woman" so often...that can bring up all kinds of bad feelings and memories. Talking with your husband, even if it's hard, can really help to dispel the thoughts you don't want to have in your mind.

 

Time also helps...in time, the bad feelings or thoughts about the affair become replaced with good thoughts about the things you have done since then.

 

things will get better...but it will take time and talking it over with your husband may very well accelerate the process.

[Spark1111]

When do you let go of the A? It has been 9 months since Dday for me, and a year to the day that my husband started sleeping with another woman.

 

He has definitely changed. He is more affectionate, more caring, takes time to make sure I feel loved and tries to show me he values me and aprpeciates me. We have incorporated weekly date nights and are trying to communicate more. We have set up "talk date night" once a week at home where we go over our week, how things are going, just to make sure we are in the habit of communicating. I KNOW he is trying and I see it.

 

But I see the OW allllll the time. Small town. It feels like a punch in the throat every time. And I want to tell him, to talk about the affair again. To talk about why and go over more. I think about it at work, driving to work, at night when I am home alone (he works varying shifts, military). Seeing her is really hard. At what point am I not letting it go? Am I dwelling on it to the point of inhibiting recovery???? Is it unhealthy to still be focused on it like this???? When do you stop bringing it up because it hurts the future?

 

Here is the way it works, and maybe your spouse, as a military man, will understand this: Recovering from an affair is exactly the same as PTSD.

[Spark1111]

Sorry, hit a wrong button....

 

Seeing the OW is the same as seeing the enemy after battle.....the North Vietnamese, The afghanis. the Alqeuda....it releases the same chemicals, triggers the same memories as a wartime trauma experience......

 

You know you are not suppose to talk about it in polite company, so you suppress it and try to get by BUT IT DOESN'T GO AWAY!

 

The only way to deal with the memories, the triggers, the emotional craziness it engenders is to TALK ABOUT IT.

 

That is why surviving members of platoons will meet 40 years later to talk of it....because there is no one else who wants/can hear of it SO MUCH, so you seek those who went through it also to rehash the situation that traumatized all of you over and over again until is makes sense.

 

Only then can you let it go and move on.

 

In the case of infidelity, it is only over when it is over; when you are all talked, questioned, answered, done and over with it -- just like the trauma of war.

 

And the only person you can talk to is your spouse, who MUST have the courage and fortitude to compassionately listen and answer, over and over again, just like a platoon-mate you saw battle with.

 

Nine months is nothing when I think of WWII vets meeting 35 years later to rehash their perceptions, perceptions no one wanted to hear of anymore. But they got stuck in the trauma for that very reason, and only their brothers in arms understood it and was there for them to talk to decades later.

 

 

The only way through PTSD is through it! You can't go around it, or suppress it, or make believe it didn't happen in polite company or pretend it wasn't so bad, or move on before you are ready.

 

The only way to peace is through it: For as long as it takes, whenever the triggers erupt; for as long as it takes and hopefully you have a compassionate and patient spouse, or IC, or best friend listent to you go on ad nauseum about your PTSD until you feel healed from it.

 

Telling someone to just move on from an affair is like telling a veteran not to be triggered by an Iragi, Afghani, Alqueda, Korean, when he was in the trenches, jungle, desert, caves and experienced severe psychological, emotional, mental and physical trauma. Not going to happen.

 

KICK TO THE CURB anyone who tries to tell you differently.

[seren]

I think that after D Day, reconciliation goes in stages. In the beginning, with all the anger flying around, it is hard to think clearly about the next minute never mind the next day or weeks ahead. I asked the same things over and over until even I got bored asking and hearing the same thing. having sight of the OW helped me to put a face to her, and after that the why her questions, until that got boring. Then the real bit of reconciliation, after the hysterical bonding phase, the hard work of trying to have a life where the A didn't consume my every waking thought. That took longer, well not the A so much, more the how could I have missed it and how could my H do this.

 

I am using the word boring, that is possibly not the right term, exhausting? processing? I don't know, I just know that there came a time when I didn't need to go over and over it all the time. We set times to talk, 30 minutes max or it messed our day up and we had wasted enough days. I think I realised that I just couldn't change what had happened and that I could change what was to come, so that became my focus and, I sure didn't want to spend another minute thinking about the OW, she had no place in my marriage when I didn't now about her, I decided she had no place in my marriage when we were sorting ourselves out.

 

The focus became about us, the moving forward, looking back just meant I was treading water. I would say around the 2 year point I finally had enough rehashing, asking etc I kept a journal and wrote how I felt in it, the day I burned the journal was almost symbolic of where I was at in the whole reconcilation process. of course there are days when I think how dammed sad it is that we have an A as part of our marriage history, but, for me at least, the key word is history.

 

My H was in the military for 26 years, the A was a result of how he coped with PTSD. We are 4 and a half years out from D Day. I look back at how far we have come and think how dammed good we are. You are still in the early days and I can remember well the sick feelings and the head whirling thoughts. It does pass, and sorry to say it, but time is the key. Well time and possibly a, cannot change what was but sure as hell can change what will be, attitude helps. I come back here to LS to try to help as I had such support and help from people here. Communication is so important, if you are feeling that you need to talk, then talk, don't bottle it up, it will only fizz up when you open it up. But, I would advise seeing your H as in this together with you, in that way you are both working on it. Journal when you cannot talk to him and look forward to the day you burn it.

[frozensprouts]

There is a higher rate of infidelity in "military marriages", both on the part of the military member and their spouses. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm sure there are a number of factors ( the "culture of infidelity" that often exists in the military, long periods of separation, stress due to the member's work or experiences during deployment, stress due to frequent postings far from friends or family, the fact that, in the military, men and women may work together 24 hrs a day, seven days a week and are encouraged to form a "bond" ( not a romantic bond, but it can and does happen). Also, at least around here, a lot of military members seem to get married at a young age and may not completely understand all the stresses they will face- mind you, even those of us who are older can run into problems.

 

it happens a lot, and it's almost always extremely painful for both the betrayed spouse and even the wayward spouse. Often, the betrayed spouse feels so isolated and alone with no one to turn to ( especially if you haven't lived at your current posting very long, and haven't formed any strong friendships in your current location yet).

 

When my husband cheated, I had a couple of good friends here who did their best to help me get through it, but i still felt really alone. I ended up calling his unit padre to talk ( not sure why, as I non religious), and he helped so much. Unit padres have a lot of training in this sort of thing, and he told me that he has heard the same story many times, and that i wold get through it.

 

he was right.

 

but it took time... a lot of it...slowly things got better and now I don't think about his affair in the same way anymore. I don't feel as sad about it, or angry...it's more like thinking of an event far in the past

[beenburned]

I agree with the other posters that reconciliation comes in stages.

 

As time passes by, the triggers diminish and your marriage heals.

[SBC]

And the only person you can talk to is your spouse, who MUST have the courage and fortitude to compassionately listen and answer, over and over again, just like a platoon-mate you saw battle with.

 

.

 

I disagree with this strongly. In fact, I think that this is a perfect way to permanently damage your budding re-marriage. Find a qualified counselor or therapist and talk to him/her about it before you browbeat your husband with something he cannot change at this point.

[PhoenixRise]

I disagree with this strongly. In fact, I think that this is a perfect way to permanently damage your budding re-marriage. Find a qualified counselor or therapist and talk to him/her about it before you browbeat your husband with something he cannot change at this point.

 

 

I think finding a qualified MC to help you navigate how you and your husband can talk about the affair in a constructive way is a good idea.

 

But you absolutely SHOULD be talking to your husband about how you feel and what you are going through. And the level and quality of your marital recovery depends largely on whether or not your husband can find the courage and the empathy to help you through this.

 

9 months is nothing. It is a drop in the bucket in terms of the time it takes to fully recover a marriage after infidelity (it can take up to 5 years). So do not beat yourself up because you are not over it yet.

 

You need to honor how you are feeling and you need to respect your feelings. It is normal to still be hurt and to still be struggling right now.

[Owl]

I disagree with this strongly. In fact, I think that this is a perfect way to permanently damage your budding re-marriage. Find a qualified counselor or therapist and talk to him/her about it before you browbeat your husband with something he cannot change at this point.

 

And I have to strongly disagree with this.

 

The true damage done by an affair is the destroyed trust...which was caused by the lies and deception.

 

The WS restores trust by demonstrating trustworthy behavior now, where they didn't before. The first part of that is by changing their actions...by disclosing how the affair was conducted, and changing their lives so that they no longer have the option to conduct the affair in the same fashion. The second part is by completely and totally disclosing all of those lies...and that's verified by being willing to repeatedly discuss and discuss again the truth at this point...where they weren't willing to do so before.

 

As the BS in a successfully recovered marriage...I cannot stress how strongly I disagree with the above statement.

 

Without that willingness to participate in the recovery of the marriage and the full disclosure of the truth...there is no chance of marital recovery.

[Michael30]

When do you let go of the A? It has been 9 months since Dday for me, and a year to the day that my husband started sleeping with another woman.

 

He has definitely changed. He is more affectionate, more caring, takes time to make sure I feel loved and tries to show me he values me and aprpeciates me. We have incorporated weekly date nights and are trying to communicate more. We have set up "talk date night" once a week at home where we go over our week, how things are going, just to make sure we are in the habit of communicating. I KNOW he is trying and I see it.

 

But I see the OW allllll the time. Small town. It feels like a punch in the throat every time. And I want to tell him, to talk about the affair again. To talk about why and go over more. I think about it at work, driving to work, at night when I am home alone (he works varying shifts, military). Seeing her is really hard. At what point am I not letting it go? Am I dwelling on it to the point of inhibiting recovery???? Is it unhealthy to still be focused on it like this???? When do you stop bringing it up because it hurts the future?

 

There should be no fixed time to tell him how you feel, nor should you be afraid to. You're not the one who cheated.

[SBC]

And I have to strongly disagree with this.

 

The true damage done by an affair is the destroyed trust...which was caused by the lies and deception.

 

The WS restores trust by demonstrating trustworthy behavior now, where they didn't before. The first part of that is by changing their actions...by disclosing how the affair was conducted, and changing their lives so that they no longer have the option to conduct the affair in the same fashion. The second part is by completely and totally disclosing all of those lies...and that's verified by being willing to repeatedly discuss and discuss again the truth at this point...where they weren't willing to do so before.

 

As the BS in a successfully recovered marriage...I cannot stress how strongly I disagree with the above statement.

 

Without that willingness to participate in the recovery of the marriage and the full disclosure of the truth...there is no chance of marital recovery.

 

 

In case you did not read it, the OP said this...

 

He has definitely changed. He is more affectionate, more caring, takes time to make sure I feel loved and tries to show me he values me and aprpeciates me. We have incorporated weekly date nights and are trying to communicate more. We have set up "talk date night" once a week at home where we go over our week, how things are going, just to make sure we are in the habit of communicating. I KNOW he is trying and I see it.

 

What the OP is having a problem with at this point is not controllable by her husband --Seeing the xOW. He cant stop her from seeing the xOW. ANd discussing it over and over as Spark suggested is likely to lead to resentment on her H part --because there is nothing he can do about her seeing the xOW.

[Crapdiem]

Part of me agrees that telling him and rehashing this is like beating a dead horse. If we keep ripping the scab off, it will never heal. And I KNOW he is trying, I know he feels remorse, I KNOW his behavior has changed.

 

But it hurts still. And seeing her makes me want to throw up (and then rub her face in the ground like an eraser.) I know it isnt her fault he slept with her, but it is her fault that as my friend she committed this act and lied to my face over and over and over.... How doe someone rationalize doing that to a friend?? (and I know that topic, have hashed it over and over with my counselor). And of course she works on the base, in his compound but not with him any more. Our kids go to the same school, same daycare. We have the same friends, our lives overlap like crazy!

 

And I know it is silly, cause it wont change it and honestly wont help, but I just keep trying to get a grip on understanding all this. WHY WHY WHY??!! What was he thinking that first time he rolled over, looked at her, and realized he slept with someone other than his wife for the first time in 16 years??! Why does he commit the sin and I am stuck with the penance?!

[Crapdiem]

There should be no fixed time to tell him how you feel, nor should you be afraid to. You're not the one who cheated.

 

I know, and I am not. My co dependency issues here, but I hate sending us both in the spiral where he feels like $hit and I am in a bad mood. It is like visiting Dday all over again. It is like the weight of rehashing it drags us both in to a not so good place. ANd I hate seeing him hurt. I have been in love with this man since I was 16, and 15 years later, I still love him, even when I want to squish his balls together for #$$$$*$ some whore.

[SBC]

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, it really sucks. Please find yourself a good, qualified therapist to help you with all of this.

 

Be well, C

[Spark1111]

Part of me agrees that telling him and rehashing this is like beating a dead horse. If we keep ripping the scab off, it will never heal. And I KNOW he is trying, I know he feels remorse, I KNOW his behavior has changed.

 

But it hurts still. And seeing her makes me want to throw up (and then rub her face in the ground like an eraser.) I know it isnt her fault he slept with her, but it is her fault that as my friend she committed this act and lied to my face over and over and over.... How doe someone rationalize doing that to a friend?? (and I know that topic, have hashed it over and over with my counselor). And of course she works on the base, in his compound but not with him any more. Our kids go to the same school, same daycare. We have the same friends, our lives overlap like crazy!

 

And I know it is silly, cause it wont change it and honestly wont help, but I just keep trying to get a grip on understanding all this. WHY WHY WHY??!! What was he thinking that first time he rolled over, looked at her, and realized he slept with someone other than his wife for the first time in 16 years??! Why does he commit the sin and I am stuck with the penance?!

 

Only he can do the hard part of getting to the why, his why of why he had the affair, and it is rarely the first or obvious reasons a cheater tell themselves.

 

That requires a lot of hard introspection with a counselor. Is he in IC?

 

We BSs really need to see the fWS find their "why." We need reassurances that once learned, safeguards will be put in place to ensure it never happens again. Who in their right mind would endure this pain ever again?

 

I am sorry she is all over town and you were once friends. How terrible to be doubly betrayed and be forced to see her over and over again.

 

Again, I would share any and all feelings whenever I needed to, not to cause him to spiral or create resentment....but without sharing of feelings, there can be no rebuilding of the trust and the intimacy that was lost by his actions.

 

I wish you both peace.

[Snowflower]

9-12 months is very early yet. Don't even think about trying to stuff your feelings down or make nice like everything is okay. The more you try to suppress your feelings, the more unmanageable they become.

 

Talk to your H. Infidelity is weird in that the one person who hurt us is also the best one to help us...