TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Airborne vet.... Taramaden, said her in first post, "She accepts her flaws, and her flaws do not cause her conflict" She accepts herself for who she is.... (I don't think i said that.... though I wish I had......)
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (I don't think i said that.... though I wish I had......) Tara, when you made that post, those were your feelings at that moment. Words have 2 sets of meanings, actual meaning and the feelings behind them. Bottom line, Airborne loves his ex, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, those are his feelings. She loves him too, her actions show it. Its up to him now what he wants to do with it
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Tara, when you made that post, those were your feelings at that moment. Words have 2 sets of meanings, actual meaning and the feelings behind them. what i intended, and what you interpreted are two separate things completely. My comments were addressed to you, and you alone. I like the words you put into my 'mouth'. and I can see why you'd think them, or put them there. But own up to the interpretation...This is your doing, not mine.
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Fluorescent, honey - you really need to try to be more brief and succinct... it's a lot to read, and your posts are great - worthy, even - but tbh, i give up after a paragraph.... Summary....? (This is why study books have synopses....! )
Exit Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Tara... I was about to make a similar post, but I'm so non-confrontational that I X'd it out. But really Dark Phoenix, I've noticed you have this strange habit of telling people "what they really mean" or "what you're really feeling", and follow it up with "trust me I know this". I understand that many people on this site may write these long sprawling stories, and sometimes you can just sense that they aren't really getting down to the heart of the matter, or they're in denial about what the real issue is. But almost every thread I've seen you in recently, you really come across in that way where you're telling people what their own feelings are or should be. It just comes across kind of abrasive/arrogant. Every once in a while maybe just take what people are saying at face value. TRUST THEM and what they are saying instead of spinning the conversation around and asking everyone to trust you. Like Tara said you take your interpretations about what you read and decide that they overrule everything else. Not picking a fight... it's just been my observation lately and now I see Tara kinda feeling the same way.
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Exit - thanks, i'm glad i'm not alone. And true I'm not picking a quarrel with Dark Phoenix, either. But ownership of interpretation is important, otherwise it can be seen as projection. I had a lot of that on this thread.... Especially the last page! (Not diverting topic, mind....) Fluorescent - thank you for taking it in such good humour! and I really do think you write well... ! Thanks for the synopsis!
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 A Vet I am sure many will disagree with what I am about to say, but I had a very enlightening conversation with a friend of mine at lunch who is a counsellor. She is a Loveshack lurker. She needs to join as she is awesome!. We were talking about you (we love you haha). She gave a very interesting insight about your situation. She spoke from your prespective and then her from her prespective. Now she stressed (numerous times) she doesn't know you both and that she is just expressing an opinion. I hope there is something here that you will identify with.. From yours: You want a woman with a good heart. A strong woman who has as kind a heart as you have. A woman that understands you and who you are. That let's you be you..You have issues Arberne. Maybe you know what they are. Maybe you don't. You spend so much time telling us what is wrong with your ex, but never once have I seen you admit what your faults and failings are. I would guess you suffer from insecurities, low self esteem but it is very hard to tell. You are looking for her to fill these gaps that you currently have in your life. You referred to that guy that everyone was envious of in a past post. He is no longer there because of you, not her. You just focus on her as an outlet to avoid looking inward. Maybe you are codependent. Maybe you wanted to rescue her? Either way, right now you are frustrated. You are frustrated that she never takes accountibilty for her mistakes in the relationship. You are frustrated as to how selfish she is. There is more, but you get my point. From hers: She wants a man. A real man. A strong man who will give her the emotional security she has craved for all her life. Your ex had a tough childhood right?. My friend was saying that people (especially girls) who have not had emotional security in childhood tend to be quite selfiish (unknowingly), because they have had to fend for themselves and put them first for so long. It's harder for them to go from single into a partnership. That is a key word partnership. If you give her this strong man (and during the honeymoon period you did) she will be amazing to be with. The problem is no man can be strong 24/7, 365 for the rest of his life. It's just not possible. The big problem here is right now is because of your personal issues, you are not giving her with she requires. So when she says I like/love you so much, about except for A,B and C she is telling that right now that you are not fulfilling her emotional needs. What is as clear as day, is that day you both love each other. You both have some amazing qualities. Otherwise people wouldn't keep falling for you both. The big problem she (my friend) see's is that neither of you are taking any responsibility for your own personal problems. You are both putting the blame on the other. So many people tend to do that, especially post breakup. Look at what is wrong with there ex, instead of what is wrong with themelves. If you are single in your 40's you got issues (or you had issues). It's one or the other. You say you want "pure, honest communication!". The only way you can do that is a) You need to be honest with yourself b) she is honest with herself and c) you are honest with one another. How can you expect a relationship to ever work when you refer to your ex as "the physco with BPD"? If you insult/disrespect your ex like this, whether its to her face or in your head you are giving your relationship no chance to flourish. What's happening now is you are saying you want A, B and C, she is saying I want E, D and F and no one is getting what they want. She see's your weaknesses and cleverly puts everything back on you, to the point where sometimes you might actually feel 100% responsible for all the relationship problems. Afterall you are the one with all the weaknesses, she has none (or so she will believe and have you believe). Let me tell you that your ex is a very intelligent, beautiful and clever woman. She won't accept responsibilty and she blames you because she is not being honest with herself, as to the real extent of her problems. She genuinely can't figure out why she has been in so many failed relationships, why her heart has been broken so many times. There is no badness in her. Just frustration that this thing she seeks she can never seem to find. I will let you in on a secret. Until she is honest with herself she will never find this 'strong secure' man she craves. No man wants to be strong for a woman all the time and get very little back. Long term relationships are a partnership. Two people combining to make the the whole piece. It's a 50/50 split. Arberne your ex may never get her eyes opened (as will probably be the case), but you can open yours. The woman you seek, you will not find in your current mindset. Trust me. You will still get drawn to woman like your ex. You might make a resolution to get back to the guy that everyone was envious of. If, sorry WHEN you do I (we have full faith in you, you are too amazing not too) then you will notice you are not even attracted to your ex and you will even question what you saw in her. If you both become self aware. Work on your flaws over a period of time. If you learn how to communicate like you said above and you can forgive each other, then there is no reason above why you guys get be together in future. You need to let go of the past and stop the black and white judgemental thinking. Stop the over analyzing of each other. You have the one main ingredient couples need to be a long term success and you have it in abundance. LOVE. If you share the same beliefs, morals, principals and a few things in common, you both can have the kind of pure love you crave. You will both know how to fill the others emotional gaps IF you put the work you need to do on yourselves (outsides the confines of a relationship preferably). The things is you both have to want to change. That is key. You both have to accept and embrace your personal flaws. Accept each other for who you both are as people and stop trying to change the other to suit your needs. That is not how a suucessfull partnership is formed.. We don't get many shots at real love Arberne. Before you throw yours away think about what I have just said.. Thank you. best piece of advice i have ever seen. thank you so much!!
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 Thank you. I just wanted to add, that what you said about me.. is something i have not been. Probably what i really needed and have been glad to hear. I will keep you posted of my journey, where ever it may lead me.
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