arbrne_vet Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 So, i am working out in my weightroom, when i get a text from Psyco BPD if i want company. i thought, wtf????? so, i don't answer. then when i am finished, my phone rings, and i look in the driveway, and there she is. so, she comes to the door and i let her in. not sure of what she wants. so she comes in to talk. ok..... i just finished the book walking on eggshells..... along with i thought we were not together anymore. so i am careful what i say. we talk. she wants to talk. i am waaaay past the "i can fix her" and like is said before, my head is winning over my heart. then...... we get into a discussion about how your childhood affects who you are, and weather or not you recognize how if affects your decisions. she asked me what i thought her childhood did to her. i told her i thought she had anger issues. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the beast came out!!! just as fast as lightning. she got all pissed off, ran out the door. then when she got home, started texting.... blah, blah, blah, blah...... then i did not understand one of her texts... and asked for clarification. her response...... i have no point in your eyes, in your mind. so, i am thinking to myself, i ask for clarification, and this is what i get?? that thought came with a chuckle....... i went to bed, and realized what she gave me was positive reinforcement!!!! First good thing she has done in a long time!!!!!! I guess i the clown left!!!!!
yessy21 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Sounds very Dramatic. I think that relationship is BUrned to the ground. she might have to learn how to not let her past be who she is in her present and until then she isnt ready for you or anyone.
chelsea2011 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) Glad your getting stronger. I don't have a BPD'er in my life, but I have known some in the past - years ago. She was looking for a place to project her crap. I think you handled it well though. Although, I probably would have just said that I was busy and on my way out the door. This way you don't tick her off or give her place to dump. From what I've read, it's best to just walk away from a BPD'er quietly without stoking the fire. Eventually they give up and find someone else to project their stuff onto. In other words, be nice BUT be too busy to see them...ever! Edited January 18, 2012 by chelsea2011
KathyM Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Don't waste your time trying to interact with a BPD. You will never win an argument, you will never have peace. The more you try to reason with a person like that, the more they will dig their heels in and try to create drama, since drama is what they have as their equilibrium.
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Not sure why i answered the door...... As far as running out the door, i was in a tank top and sweats, (just got done working out) and burrr was it cold!!!!! Like i said, it was positive reinforcement.... The more i distance myself from her, the more clear the waters get. and your right. you can't argue with them. nothing but pure insanity!!!
Dark Phoenix Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Airborne, Your ex doesn't have bpd you're being ridiculous If you would like me to point out how ridiculous you are being, I'd be glad to
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Airborne, Your ex doesn't have bpd you're being ridiculous If you would like me to point out how ridiculous you are being, I'd be glad to don't care if she has BPD, ABC, or XYZ, she has some issues. I read the book walking on eggshells, and it is her all up and inside. but, please, enlighten me....
otherfish Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Airborne, does your ex have blonde hair, green eyes, about 5'8", 135lbs??? Beautiful on the outside but a monster inside...???? Damn, I swear we have the same ex and don't know it! That is exactly something that my ex would do. If she asked a question and didnt get the answer that she wanted she would flip the entire situation to make me look like the a-hole. So many times she would leave me banging my head against the wall saying, "How did that just happen?!" Funny, a couple months before we ended it, she told me that her brother was diagnosed with BPD. I wanted so bad to tell her to get checked but I like having my head attached to my shoulders! She is a total nutjob and leaving the relationship I have the luxury of knowing what she brings to a relationship and she will never be in a happy-successful-nurturing relationship and it definitely goes back to her childhood and how so many important figures in her life failed her.
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Airborne, does your ex have blonde hair, green eyes, about 5'8", 135lbs??? Beautiful on the outside but a monster inside...???? yes, yes, and yes, but she just changed her hair to brunette... and she has no brother. i have read through some of your posts..... yes it does sound like her!!! yes, she is a snooper. yes, some of her replies sounds like some of the things she does. No matter what you do, nothing is good enough. Everything is your fault. Everything is on her terms. Never asks you how your doing. all conversations about her, and her life. NO such things as mis-communication, you just don't listen, and then when you ask because you don't understand, and trying to clear something up, look out!!! yes, very beautiful on the outside, monster on the inside, that is being polite. maybe you too need to read the book "walking on eggshells"
otherfish Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 OMG, I could go on and on about the way her twisted mind works. Its like the whole world is against her. The thing I cant figure out is why I gave and gave and gave while she invested nothing....I mean nothing! Everything was on her terms. For 3.5 years I couldnt get the break that I needed to walk out of the relationship...until finally, she committed the cardinal sin....badmouthed my kids. Immediately I felt something break inside of me and I started withdrawing from the relationship immediately. After she said what she said about my kids I started looking at her physically/emotionally like a stranger...it was really weird. Do I miss her, Yes. However, there is no way that this relationship was going to last a lifetime and if Im honest with myself I knew it deep down the whole time. She IS: Controlling Selfish Justifying Type-A Jealous Untrusting Un-emotional Un-affectionate Right all of the time a receiver Funny, when I was reading your post I had already made up my mind to go get that book. I was at Greetings n Readings yesterday and I wish I would of known about it then. Good Luck, man.
Pens55 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Airborne, Your ex doesn't have bpd you're being ridiculous If you would like me to point out how ridiculous you are being, I'd be glad to Really???? I've been seeing some pretty harsh stuff as of late on these boards
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 yeppers.... they are one in the same. Yes, she bad mouthed my kids also, with the exception of my oldest, who lives out of state. obviously, she can't get close to him for her to attack... it is her way of isolating you from them, and probably everything else in your life .they want TOTAL control over you, all the while telling you that you are controlling. I am sure you feel as drained as i do. Yes, i miss her too, but she is not the same she used to be. You see, you were her Savior, then you became her predator. she has victim mentality, and she cannot be "saved" unless she is a victim first..... oh my, i could go on and on. the crap that spewed out of her mouth..... i swear her and i could be out on a date, i could get shot and stabbed, then ran over by a bus, in the hospital in intensive care, and somehow, she would be the victim of all this..... i tell you what, this weekend, i'll have a beer for you, and you have one for me!!!!
Dark Phoenix Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) Lets throw out all the cards on the table ---------------------------------------- Every person on this planet has issues, you have issues, I have issues, your ex has issues, my ex has issues, every person on this forum has issues. Now the issues comment is irrelevant. Next, every person on the planet has all 9 traits of BPD, so that book "Walking on Eggshells" can apply to everyone on the planet including me and you. Now that's thrown out the window. The badmouthing kids, I have badmouthed other peoples' kids, I have badmouthed my parents to their face. Christmas eve, I called my dad a liar and my mom crazy. Does this make me a monster? No, its my way of expressing affection towards them. Thats your ex's way of expression affection towards your kids. Has she beaten them? Threatened to throw them off a bridge? Throw them in the dryer? No shes VENTING HER FRUSTRATION. This is what women do. Its probably not even aimed at the kids. Now that issue is thrown out the window So, i am working out in my weightroom, when i get a text from Psyco BPD if i want company. i thought, wtf????? so, i don't answer. then when i am finished, my phone rings, and i look in the driveway, and there she is. so, she comes to the door and i let her in. not sure of what she wants. so she comes in to talk. ok..... Did you ask her why she wants to talk? You didn't. I can tell you why she wanted to talk. She wanted to get back together with you. That's why shes sitting in your driveway calling you. She's not crazy, she loves you, LOVE MAKES PEOPLE DO CRAZY THINGS. Look at what you're doing. You are calling her BPD when this is a woman that you fell in love with. Thats not sane behavior to me. You aren't a psychologist. i just finished the book walking on eggshells..... along with i thought we were not together anymore. so i am careful what i say. we talk. she wants to talk. i am waaaay past the "i can fix her" and like is said before, my head is winning over my heart. then...... we get into a discussion about how your childhood affects who you are, and weather or not you recognize how if affects your decisions. she asked me what i thought her childhood did to her. i told her i thought she had anger issues. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the beast came out!!! just as fast as lightning. When I read this I laugh. Look at your thoughts you are trying to fix her. That's why you read that dumb book so you can try to fix her. Newsflash.... SHE DOESNT WANT YOU TO FIX HER. She wants you to love her and accept her for who she is and I have not read in ANY of your posts where this is the case. You are so hell bent on finding faults for her because she broke up with you, you have no concept of loving her and accepting her that she is damaged goods. Why are you bringing up her past before she even met you? Thats your own insecurity. I'd be pissed to if my ex or someone I thought loved me was blaming me for the breakup because of my past. The biggest problem here is you airborne vet. You just dont see it yet. There's one simple thing. You have no concept of the term letting go. You hold on to everything and have so much resentment towards her. Look you even hold resentment towards her based on her past. Thats childish. The past doesnt matter. Now, if this isnt the type of woman you can be in a relationship with, thats perfectly ok. But stop judging her and labeling her. You honestly dont have a right. You are just angry that she broke up with you. Take that anger else where. Its your choice if you want to get back together with her... It doesnt make one difference to me... but at the same time, throw away that book, look in a mirror, reread all the things you posted about your ex saying to you and really read them and focus on fixing those things. By the way, you should look into Grass is Greener on the other side... This is what your ex is. I believe Wilsonx and Smokey posted this in one of your old threads. Shes trying to reconcile with you but you are so blinded you dont see it Edited January 19, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Exit Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Seems to me people are being a bit harsh towards the OP, but I can't claim to be familiar with the entirety of his story, so perhaps I'm the one who is misinformed. I do agree that trying to label or diagnose our exes is not always the best way to go about healing. It seems very prevalent on the forums these days. Maybe my memory is failing me but when I would come here 2 or 3 years ago, I don't recall so many threads being filled with the talk of GIGS, BPD, etc. Now it's everywhere. On the other hand, I don't think there's any point in ignoring "the elephant in the room". If you come to the realization that there was definitely something inappropriate about the way your ex behaved, and you've finally taken off your rose-tinted glasses long enough to become aware of it, good. With all the talk about taking our exes off of the mental pedestal, coming to realize that they definitely had a few screws loose seems fitting. Yes, some people can take this way too far and use it as a crutch. Proclaiming to the world that your ex had some personality disorder and using that to look past your own shortfalls is not healthy. In the case of arbrne_vet, he mentioned working out at home and ignoring the initial text he got from her. That's sounds well enough like "focusing on himself" to me. As far as the book he read, I would not say that he did that in a continuing quest to want to fix her. I've read a few similar books and many of them do encourage focusing on your own issues and trying to identify what exactly you hope to gain out of a relationship with someone who has emotional issues. These books are not a step by step guide on how to fix these people, they actually encourage much of the same thing that the doubters in this thread are talking about: these people cannot be fixed, and even if they can, it's certainly not the job of their love interest to do the fixing. I'd say he read the book to try to identify the unhealthy patterns in his relationship and realize that things were not working. I wouldn't make the leap to saying he read the book to further convince himself that she's a psycho who needs fixing in some arrogant manner. It is true that the traits of BPD are present in all of us and only in certain combinations or intensities do they qualify as a disorder, and it takes a professional to diagnose that. OP did even state "I don't care if she has BPD, ABC, or XYZ", which seems like a pretty healthy way to look at it. It really doesn't matter what we can categorize these behaviors as, all that matters is realizing that these unpleasant behaviors existed in the first place and are not going to lead to a successful relationship. I can't judge her based on a brief description of what happened that night, but someone showing up uninvited, asking him to answer a question, and then flipping her top and storming out of the house does sound a bit unbalanced to me. But I will agree with the sentiment that this isn't about what needs to be fixed with her. If you wanted to work things out with her, it would be about learning to love each other as is. OP, you sound like you no longer have any interest in being with her at all. If that's the case, I would think it's best to really do whatever it takes to stop the contact and keep her away, so you can both stop wasting time. I know you feel like ignoring her texts was an attempt to do this in the first place, but obviously that didn't work. I do agree to some extent with the others who are saying she is acting like she wants to get back together. I'd stop short of saying that's 100% the case, it wouldn't be the first time some chick texts and stops by and remains in contact, but if put on the spot and asked if they wanted to restart the relationship, they might say no. If this needs to be over, allowing her into your home and answering her texts (you ignored the first one but after she left it sounds like you were texting in return) is serving no purpose except giving her false hope and a reason to keep contacting. If you see what happened that night as "positive reinforcement" that you two definitely do not belong together, then do what it takes to put a stop to it.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Exit, I agree with your opinion on "In the case of arbrne_vet, he mentioned working out at home and ignoring the initial text he got from her. That's sounds well enough like "focusing on himself" to me" but you are missing something. With every word both spoken or written, theres the meaning behind the words and the feelings of the person that have nothing to do with the words themselves. You are just reading his words and not his feelings. She has GIGS, I read all his previous posts he started. He chased her for a long time. You dont even have to read the posts, look at the thread titles that he started. His ex isnt a bad person or he wouldnt have chased. He's just hurt. BTW, Its not over, He loves her -------------------------------------------------- Fluourescent, I agree with you on the communication. You are absolutely right but not everyone is on that level of effective communication. My parents accept me for me though. My communication has drastically improved over this past year. We also have to understand that everyone communicates differently. You stay with what you like but in the big picture of things, we have to have an understanding that everyone communicates differently and its ok. If you choose not to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt communicate like you want, then thats ok too. But I assure you, if your ex tries to one up you all the time, its only because he CARES otherwise he wouldnt even talk to you. Trust me, I use to be a one upper.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 One way or another Arberne needs to be decisive. Either he accepts her warts and all, learn to communicate with her better, accept her for who she is or be decisive and say I am leaving the relationship because if A, B and C. Hear everything she has to say and then FINALLY move on with his life and not look back. I won't lie Arberne. Getting hammered with nails in the hands, is more fun then leaving go someone you Love. So many regrets and 'what ifs'. But believe me if she was for you, things would be alot simplier and easier.. Im going to tell you a little secret flurourescent, she is the one, they are both chasing each other and they are both confused. Trust me on this. They are bred into each other When you only read a person's words, your opinion is correct. When you read a person's words and their feelings, its not. They are meant to be together. He just needs to let go of the past, call her up and apologize and live happily ever after together
Dark Phoenix Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) ok, thats your opinion and I respect it. Remember that's what you're looking for. Not necessarily what he's looking for. =) There is nothing black and white I posted, 2 people chasing each other, there are no boundaries. With what you posted, those are boundaries. Thats black and white. You are saying I want this and this and this and this. And thats perfectly ok. Thats what you want. I'm just correcting your color scheme Edited January 19, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 been deciding weather or not to chime in here......... i got the book for myself, not to fix her. imho, she is beyond fixing. it's been the same old pattern. i have enough, go nc, a few days later, she calls. i get my hopes up. we get together, and once again, i am told of all the horrible things i have done. she STILL brings up things that happened 4 years ago, that was nothing but mis commuication. i even asked her once, is there anything as mis commuication. and her response was, no, you just don't listen to me. even during conversations, i ask questions to better understand the point she is making, and she blows into a pissy. i have recieve lectures from her for : buying my son clothes, i believe i am still his father, he is still in high school buying the wrong toilet paper (yes, really) loading my diswahser wrong (no, we do not live together) changing the days i get groceries. sometimes friday, sometimes thursday. (no she is NOT wiht me when i go) i could write pages on this topic.. our relationship went form trying to spend as much time together, to, she has not time for me anymore. last september, we were apart for 2 months. she started dating a co-worker. i asked for my ring back, with a threat to take her to court if she did not return it. she wanted to talk to me, i asked what for, she said about us. so, she came over one night. we made love.... it was so beautiful, BUT, instead of basking in the moment, as soon as we were finished. i got hammered about why i was such a bad person. so, i got the book to help ME, not her. yes we all have issues. i admit that, her...... no, you ask her and nothing is her fault. she takes no responsibilyt for her actions, and there is always some cause why she does what she does. in reality, that's what we all do, but it's those choices we make afterfact that are right or wrong, that WE must take responsibilty for. she even told me once, she does nothign wrong, she only reacts to what i do. well, when i go to her house, and see flowers on her table, from the guy she went out with, and ask why she has them. then a week later, they are still there, well, then, i am the bad guy for getting upset.... so.......... to last week. she came over. i am no longer cowering down to her, apologizing for anythings he wants me to just to tryi to get this to work. she got pissy because i was not backing down. no, i was not being a prick. i was calm, was not being out of line. i was just not backing down. so, in a pissy comment, that is when she threw out the question about her childhood. so i told her she has anger issues. she does. she blows up into a rage, has hit me several times. then...... she wanted the ring back and said she would work on the relationship it she had the ring back......... so, i hope this clears things up. YES, i do appreciate all that was posted. i might not have agreed with all of it, but i made me think of a few things. hope this clears things up.
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Lets throw out all the cards on the table ---------------------------------------- Every person on this planet has issues, you have issues, I have issues, your ex has issues, my ex has issues, every person on this forum has issues. I don 't. I might take issue, but i don't have issues. Of the 28 threads I have created, only one touches on personal relationship issues, and that was in 2009.... And it's all been sorted..... so maybe you might like to revise that sweeping statement....
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) I don 't. I might take issue, but i don't have issues. Of the 28 threads I have created, only one touches on personal relationship issues, and that was in 2009.... And it's all been sorted..... so maybe you might like to revise that sweeping statement.... Ok you are using the term issues in a black and white context. I meant issues in a grand scheme of thing, big picture. In your case lets change the word. Lets change it to inner conflict. Hopefully you can agree with me that inner conflict is an issue Edited January 20, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I never have inner conflict. Yes I do! No I don't, liar!! Hey who am I calling a liar?!? (Sorry, couldn't resist it..... I apologise..... !) Thank you, I would agree with that. Inner conflicts I can equate with, and I do see what you mean.....
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 This..... is what i am looking for, pure, honest communication!
Dark Phoenix Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) Airborne vet.... Taramaden, said her in first post, "She accepts her flaws, and her flaws do not cause her conflict" She accepts herself for who she is You need to accept your flaws who you are first. Then you need to accept your ex's flaws and who she is. Throw away her actions from the past. Throw away your actions from the past. Start fresh. Leave the past in the past This is how you get pure honest communication, but it starts with yourself first. You can not expect someone else to be honest with you, if you aren't honest with yourself Edited January 20, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
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