ThaWholigan Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Quick thread before I go studio..... Was talking to my brother and one of his (many) female friends yesterday (very good looking). It struck me that his demeanor has always been one of fun and outright cheekiness. My brother is naturally very cocky at times, but at the heart of it, lies someone who literally doesn't put much stock in his encounters with women. I am learning to do the same, and I have noticed I'm having much more fun talking to women, and it's serving me well so far, and will get better. So guys, lets make a more concerted effort to have more fun and relax instead of building up all this madness in our heads leading up to "asking her out", making it a straight yes or no thing. Let's just make it fun! 10
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 IME, the rejection always sucked but the dating was fun. Still is. Each man's style is different. We're not clones. My data point is dating was more successful and fun with women I didn't know prior to dating them. It was also easier to detach from them if things didn't work out, regardless of the length of time or who rejected who. 1
jobaba Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 It struck me that his demeanor has always been one of fun and outright cheekiness. My brother is naturally very cocky at times, but at the heart of it, lies someone who literally doesn't put much stock in his encounters with women. So guys, lets make a more concerted effort to have more fun and relax instead of building up all this madness in our heads leading up to "asking her out", making it a straight yes or no thing. Let's just make it fun! Yup. The idea is to be casual and aloof. And not care whether they like you or not. Easier said than done...
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 The idea is to be casual and aloof. And not care whether they like you or not. Easier said than done... It's hard if you're just thinking to yourself "I need to be casual and aloof and not care whether they like you or not" because the truth is that you do care, every one of us does, so acting like you don't is a false front to yourself. It's one you can pull off, but if you don't like putting on false fronts--I know I can't stand it--it's difficult. The frame of mind that makes it easy for me is to think about how unreasonably picky every human being is about their date--and that includes me and everyone else. I go for tall, thin brunettes. Does that mean if you're a short blonde that you should feel bad about yourself? Clearly not, you can still be quite desirable even if you don't meet another person's preferences. Preferences are often HUGELY biased and are usually lifted from various people someone has crushed on in the past and liked. Similarly, turn-offs are lifted from people we've met in the past and didn't like. So a girl doesn't like me--who cares? Maybe I remind her of her gym teacher in high school she hated because he made her run laps around the track and yelled at her when she didn't. Maybe I just happen to have a similar hairstyle to some guy who dumped her in middle school. Maybe my voice reminds me of someone she doesn't like. Maybe she likes redheads. Who knows WHAT her picky points are--people don't tell you those things on initial dates and you'll never know, so who cares? You're unlikely to change them even if you knew what they are. So I don't have trouble placing little importance on early dating due to the subjectivity of people's preferences. It's just how dating works--two people clicking is often difficult when one or both of you is picky, and in my experience, virtually EVERYONE is picky, even people who think they're not. What attracts people is beyond most people's control or even understanding, so why would I let it get to me? It'd be like worrying about the rain, the moon, or the stars--it's all out of my control. All you can do is be personable, funny, attractive in the ways you have control over. Everything else in attraction is semi-random chance that you've got no reason to beat yourself up over. 3
GoodOnPaper Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Fun? I knew there was something I forgot . . . It's a matter of an individual guy's need/want ratio. Is dating/sex/relationships simply something you want or is it something you need (to feel valued, love, accepted, masculine, or just plain justified overall)? I think most of us are somewhere in the middle, but I bet a common quality among those of us with track records of zero or near-zero success with women is that our need/want ratio is VERY heavy on the need side. I always felt that the early attraction and dating stage was EXTREMELY hard work -- probably not the best approach. It never dawned on me to assess how much I wanted to date in general or wanted to talk with or try to attract a particular woman. But I certainly knew that I needed to date and get into a relationship -- if I didn't, I would somehow be missing out or not considered a real man or something . . . I don't know how you can simply flip the need/want switch but it probably is worth it to make an effort to be conscious of what you want, whether it is dating or anything else, and actually be willing to walk away from opportunities if they aren't really in line with what you want.
Author ThaWholigan Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Fun? I knew there was something I forgot . . . It's a matter of an individual guy's need/want ratio. Is dating/sex/relationships simply something you want or is it something you need (to feel valued, love, accepted, masculine, or just plain justified overall)? I think most of us are somewhere in the middle, but I bet a common quality among those of us with track records of zero or near-zero success with women is that our need/want ratio is VERY heavy on the need side. I always felt that the early attraction and dating stage was EXTREMELY hard work -- probably not the best approach. It never dawned on me to assess how much I wanted to date in general or wanted to talk with or try to attract a particular woman. But I certainly knew that I needed to date and get into a relationship -- if I didn't, I would somehow be missing out or not considered a real man or something . . . I don't know how you can simply flip the need/want switch but it probably is worth it to make an effort to be conscious of what you want, whether it is dating or anything else, and actually be willing to walk away from opportunities if they aren't really in line with what you want. True. It will be hard, I was always uncomfortable with being different as a teen. It changed when I became 19 and went to University, I came out of myself big time. Last few years have been weird (Autism/dyspraxia diagnosis, kicked out of uni, job seeking, lack of inspiration etc), but I feel I'm coming out the other side, and with the way I have responded to this, have come to the realisation that I don't need to be with someone to be happy, and as a result, I've been investing less and less in my interactions with people, and now I am finding it easier to humor women, even ones who aren't attracted very much. I'm also on a high as I feel I'm finally getting my inspiration back in what I'm doing, so I will find it easier to get some discipline and order. All I need now is a couple albums and some money. It was hard to be positive, but I was lucky I was optimistic and able to realistically examine my positive attributes. Trust me, all the things you think are stopping you will all melt away when you feel yourself attaining the goals you set for yourself . I promise you that, it's working for me, and I'll update with the progress, I hope to hear all of you are doing well (especially Somedude, you'll catch a break soon). 1
refurb Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Very true. If guys should have one dating rule in their head it should be: "Ignore 90% of what a woman says and just have fun." When you start getting to date 8 or 10, then you can start putting some thought into the girl. RF
Thieves Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It's hard if you're just thinking to yourself "I need to be casual and aloof and not care whether they like you or not" because the truth is that you do care, every one of us does, so acting like you don't is a false front to yourself. It's one you can pull off, but if you don't like putting on false fronts--I know I can't stand it--it's difficult. The frame of mind that makes it easy for me is to think about how unreasonably picky every human being is about their date--and that includes me and everyone else. I go for tall, thin brunettes. Does that mean if you're a short blonde that you should feel bad about yourself? Clearly not, you can still be quite desirable even if you don't meet another person's preferences. Preferences are often HUGELY biased and are usually lifted from various people someone has crushed on in the past and liked. Similarly, turn-offs are lifted from people we've met in the past and didn't like. So a girl doesn't like me--who cares? Maybe I remind her of her gym teacher in high school she hated because he made her run laps around the track and yelled at her when she didn't. Maybe I just happen to have a similar hairstyle to some guy who dumped her in middle school. Maybe my voice reminds me of someone she doesn't like. Maybe she likes redheads. Who knows WHAT her picky points are--people don't tell you those things on initial dates and you'll never know, so who cares? You're unlikely to change them even if you knew what they are. So I don't have trouble placing little importance on early dating due to the subjectivity of people's preferences. It's just how dating works--two people clicking is often difficult when one or both of you is picky, and in my experience, virtually EVERYONE is picky, even people who think they're not. What attracts people is beyond most people's control or even understanding, so why would I let it get to me? It'd be like worrying about the rain, the moon, or the stars--it's all out of my control. All you can do is be personable, funny, attractive in the ways you have control over. Everything else in attraction is semi-random chance that you've got no reason to beat yourself up over. Wow. Very well and eloquently put, mister. Couldn't agree more with your particular view on this.
Thieves Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Ill try that if i ever get a first date Well, many have said it here before: It'll happen soon enough if you truly put your mind to it, PJ...
Feelin Frisky Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Easy rule of thumb is to act, not obsess or over-think. If it makes sense, do it. It puts your acquaintance at ease.
Andy_K Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 The frame of mind that makes it easy for me is to think about how unreasonably picky every human being is about their date--and that includes me and everyone else. I go for tall, thin brunettes. I'll have the short blondes then, thanks
Author ThaWholigan Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Refer to the player thread too, they are always playful in their interactions, we should try and incorporate that into our normal communication style so we can use that side of us when interacting with a potential date.
Author ThaWholigan Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Quick thread before I go studio..... Was talking to my brother and one of his (many) female friends yesterday (very good looking). It struck me that his demeanor has always been one of fun and outright cheekiness. My brother is naturally very cocky at times, but at the heart of it, lies someone who literally doesn't put much stock in his encounters with women. I am learning to do the same, and I have noticed I'm having much more fun talking to women, and it's serving me well so far, and will get better. So guys, lets make a more concerted effort to have more fun and relax instead of building up all this madness in our heads leading up to "asking her out", making it a straight yes or no thing. Let's just make it fun! and the same advice still stands. Stop taking it so seriously guys.
ComeUpOutDaWahta Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Stop taking it so seriously guys. Exactly, that's really it. Get rid of all that bitterness and anger and just enjoy. That bloody simple. Because you only live once. I guess you could just shorten that to #yolo 2
chex Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 This is SO true. It's like how, once I got a girlfriend, I noticed that all these other girls suddenly wanted me .. not because I was "of high value" or any of that ****, but because my interactions with them were purely fun -- no ulterior motives, no expectations, none of any of that. 2
pbjbear Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have noticed with both genders that people focus too much in the beginning of dating on their ego and less on if they actually like the person. I see many posts here about why a person didnt call or respond to their texts or fizzle out after a little bit of dating, or why they act this way and that way. Its an ego thing. I know when I was younger I did it. Id go on dates with guys I didnt have a strong interest in but if they rejected me or didnt act the way I wanted, I still wanted to figure out why. For the past 4 years I look at it more rationally, or at least try to. 1
Archgirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Quick thread before I go studio..... Was talking to my brother and one of his (many) female friends yesterday (very good looking). It struck me that his demeanor has always been one of fun and outright cheekiness. My brother is naturally very cocky at times, but at the heart of it, lies someone who literally doesn't put much stock in his encounters with women. I am learning to do the same, and I have noticed I'm having much more fun talking to women, and it's serving me well so far, and will get better. So guys, lets make a more concerted effort to have more fun and relax instead of building up all this madness in our heads leading up to "asking her out", making it a straight yes or no thing. Let's just make it fun! This is totally good advice for chicks too, it works hell good for me 1
Woggle Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Just look at women as people who are no better or worse than you.
Archgirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I'll have the short blondes then, thanks Why hello stranger
somedude81 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It's more fun when you're winning. That was posted on 18th January 2012, 6:15 AM Almost a year and a half later and my mindset hasn't changed at all. About a month before that post I had a major fallout with my crush and was feeling absolutely horrible. I still miss that girl. (God I'm such a loser)
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 That was posted on 18th January 2012, 6:15 AM Almost a year and a half later and my mindset hasn't changed at all. About a month before that post I had a major fallout with my crush and was feeling absolutely horrible. I still miss that girl. (God I'm such a loser) Nothing at all in that time?
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