Players

[Untouchable_Fire]

I spent an evening with a couple friends tonight. One of them is a self described player. He regaled us with some tales of his recent conquests.

 

While listening, I think I came to a definite conclusion about myself. I could never be a player like him. Even though I've been burned in a ton of relationships, I still can't do it.

 

I'm absolutely certain that what stops me is that deep down, I just don't want to hurt anyone. Maybe it's just a variation of that "White Knight Syndrome". That probably makes me a douchebag, but I don't think I can change it.

 

On a side note... I also don't understand why sleeping with tons of random women would make me feel awesome about myself. Is it supposed to be some kind of proof that a guy is great? I tend to think having a bunch of women fall in love with you would be a better measure of greatness. Of course maybe those two things are one in the same, as in... if you get the sex you get the love.

 

Anyway... This is just a silly personal rant. How do people lie and hurt each other? Do they ever feel guilty? I feel pretty sure that my x/GF's don't feel bad for lying and cheating... one in particular blames my lack of attention for everything.

 

I'm just glad I have someone really good. I think that makes all the difference.

[Woggle]

I went through a phase like that but I doubt I could have kept it up. They are very cold hearted towards women.

[musemaj11]

Yeah Im the same. I realized a long time ago that I dont have the player gene. Im too emphatic to be a heartless Casanova.

[Andy_K]

I sometimes joke that I've got this terrible affliction most guys don't suffer from, which stops me from having sex as much as I'd like to. It's called a conscience

[Andy_K]

Yeah Im the same. I realized a long time ago that I dont have the player gene. Im too emphatic to be a heartless Casanova.

 

I think empathic is the word you're looking for!

[musemaj11]

I think empathic is the word you're looking for!

You are right Mr. Grammar Nazi.

[Emilia]

 

Anyway... This is just a silly personal rant. How do people lie and hurt each other? Do they ever feel guilty? I feel pretty sure that my x/GF's don't feel bad for lying and cheating... one in particular blames my lack of attention for everything.

 

I'm just glad I have someone really good. I think that makes all the difference.

 

When someone hurts you and you hurt them back I can completely understand, it's a natural response.

 

There are many however who just go through life completely wrapped up in themselves not even thinking what impact their action has on others. I'm pretty sure your ex GFs don't feel bad no, they somehow justify to themselves why what they did wasn't so bad.

 

It's how it is, the trick is to work out early whether a particular person takes responsibility for their actions or not. There are billions out there who don't.

[phineas]

Here is my theory, women are drawn to the player type, they KNOW he is the player type & they think their the one who is going to lock him down.

 

They still get hurt because they fall for him, but they will try to lock the same type of guy into a relationship over & over & ignore a guy that wouldn't hurt them or freindzone them. (until their biological clock is ticking or their a single mom pushing 40).

 

There are two types of players from what i've seen.

 

Guys that go for the one-night-stand, or date long enough to get the sex then move on & guys that make a woman their steady pump until they find a new steady pump in a few months.

 

The latter is usually cheating on the steady pump the whole time.

 

either way, if a woman can't see the guy is a player he's either James Bond smooth or she doesn't want to see it.

 

It goes back to women calling a guy a player from a distance, but as soon as he turns his attentions on her she's all about him. not a hard rule, but i've been out there enough to see it in action.

[Emilia]

Here is my theory, women are drawn to the player type, they KNOW he is the player type & they think their the one who is going to lock him down.

 

They still get hurt because they fall for him, but they will try to lock the same type of guy into a relationship over & over & ignore a guy that wouldn't hurt them or freindzone them. (until their biological clock is ticking or their a single mom pushing 40).

 

There are two types of players from what i've seen.

 

Guys that go for the one-night-stand, or date long enough to get the sex then move on & guys that make a woman their steady pump until they find a new steady pump in a few months.

 

The latter is usually cheating on the steady pump the whole time.

 

either way, if a woman can't see the guy is a player he's either James Bond smooth or she doesn't want to see it.

 

It goes back to women calling a guy a player from a distance, but as soon as he turns his attentions on her she's all about him. not a hard rule, but i've been out there enough to see it in action.

 

I dated a 'player' once out of curiosity and it was an incredibly unhealthy experience but I wanted to see how it worked because I had friends who were very successful with women and I just didn't understand why as I didn't see the attraction myself.

 

This guy was a modeliser (so no idea why he dated me but hey ho) and just generally one of those somewhat moody, unavailable types who is always slightly mysterious. He was also incredibly boring because even though he was bright, he only talked about limited subjects.

 

I think he appealed to certain types of women and I think he usually hooked younger women who didn't know better. As he was into models in general, they were younger too I suppose and they can be quite insecure as they get judged on their looks all the time.

 

My experience I think ties in with what you would expect: he attracted women who didn't know better. I didn't really see him with anyone more mature, certainly no-one around my age (I was 35-36 at the time), and I knew some of the women he had sex with (all in their early 20s).

[Woggle]

Here is my theory, women are drawn to the player type, they KNOW he is the player type & they think their the one who is going to lock him down.

 

They still get hurt because they fall for him, but they will try to lock the same type of guy into a relationship over & over & ignore a guy that wouldn't hurt them or freindzone them. (until their biological clock is ticking or their a single mom pushing 40).

 

There are two types of players from what i've seen.

 

Guys that go for the one-night-stand, or date long enough to get the sex then move on & guys that make a woman their steady pump until they find a new steady pump in a few months.

 

The latter is usually cheating on the steady pump the whole time.

 

either way, if a woman can't see the guy is a player he's either James Bond smooth or she doesn't want to see it.

 

It goes back to women calling a guy a player from a distance, but as soon as he turns his attentions on her she's all about him. not a hard rule, but i've been out there enough to see it in action.

 

Very true. As much as women might knock guys like this many will jump on the chance to take a ride themselves.

[curlygirl40]

Here are some of my theories of why women are attracted to players.

 

1. They are confident. Women (and men!) are attracted and drawn to confidence.

 

2. People want what they can't have. The elusiveness of it all. It's the push/pull thing. When a man is pushing and all over you, it makes you take a step back. But when you see a man who is not only confident but makes you think you can't have him, it makes you want them all the more.

 

3. They are charming and make the woman feel good about themselves. People often don't realize that they want to be in a relationship not just because they like the person, but because of how that person makes them feel about themselves. Players are good at this.

 

4. And this is the big one, much overlooked I think. Players LOVE women. They look you in the eye when you're talking to them. They pay attention. They study women. They know women. I once had a girlfriend of mine (who is in her early 50's!) who had a ONS with a player say to me 'out of all of the men I have slept with, he was the only one who I felt really understood me as a woman.

 

There is a guy who I see out a lot who I have never met but a good friend of mine has. IMO he's not very attractive (or maybe just not my type), but he is always surrounded by women. I asked my friend about this and she said 'Have you ever talked to him?' Nope. So she goes on to say 'He's very charming, and when he's talking to you, you feel like you two are the only people in the room. It sucks you in'.

[zengirl]

Here is my theory, women are drawn to the player type, they KNOW he is the player type & they think their the one who is going to lock him down.

 

They still get hurt because they fall for him, but they will try to lock the same type of guy into a relationship over & over & ignore a guy that wouldn't hurt them or freindzone them. (until their biological clock is ticking or their a single mom pushing 40).

 

There are two types of players from what i've seen.

 

Guys that go for the one-night-stand, or date long enough to get the sex then move on & guys that make a woman their steady pump until they find a new steady pump in a few months.

 

The latter is usually cheating on the steady pump the whole time.

 

either way, if a woman can't see the guy is a player he's either James Bond smooth or she doesn't want to see it.

 

It goes back to women calling a guy a player from a distance, but as soon as he turns his attentions on her she's all about him. not a hard rule, but i've been out there enough to see it in action.

 

Eh, it's the same girls that always date the players. Or it's a mistake a girl makes once or twice in college-aged years, maybe, but the ones that are still dating him year after year---it's a particular subset of women, not all women.

 

The allure of the player (and I mean the gals that FALL for the player, not just sleep with the player when they're also playing the field---that happens too) is two-fold: (1) specialness -- if they change the player, they are special, they are that magical girl who caught him!, (2) self-destructive/self-protection --- they don't feel equipped for a real relationship anyway and thus don't date men with real potential. It's silly, but not that hard to understand.

 

As to players, they usually have their own issues, though some are just about the sex (the more honest ones, actually).

[somedude81]

Ugh, reading this thread and others like it; makes me feel that some women are really stupid.

 

And that's not even how I really feel, but I rather not get banned.

[grkBoy]

Let me help you out here...

 

While listening, I think I came to a definite conclusion about myself. I could never be a player like him. Even though I've been burned in a ton of relationships, I still can't do it.

 

I believe that you getting burned is what built you to this conclusion. It's always amazing to see how much conscience someone can grow when they see the actual effects. Most playas simply work hard to be cold and disconnected...so the girl is crying at how she was lied to, he simply makes up excuses to himself to justify his actions.

 

"Meh...I've been hurt by women all my life until I wised up."

 

"Heh...she should have known better."

 

"Whatever...she's a slut like all women are. She's only good for one thing."

 

I'm absolutely certain that what stops me is that deep down, I just don't want to hurt anyone. Maybe it's just a variation of that "White Knight Syndrome". That probably makes me a douchebag, but I don't think I can change it.

 

Um...no. A douchebag is the opposite. I personally think that you want more out of life than just laying girls. I know at the point I changed up my own thinking, I felt that the only way I'd get the girls was to become a playa or jerk...to become what I hated.

 

I instead decided that no woman is worth my dignity or integrity...and I live by that now. If I have to lower my dignity and/or toss my integrity out the window to get a girl, then I'd rather be alone and happy with who I am.

 

You're pretty much doing the same thing. Lying to people is the easy way...being honest and true is the harder path.

 

 

On a side note... I also don't understand why sleeping with tons of random women would make me feel awesome about myself.

 

Men like that equate their self-worth on that. Seen loads of the "bro" guys, playas, shallow yuppie douchebags, etc on this narcissistic trip. They equate their self-worth based on how much money they make, how many shiny objects they own, how athletically built their body is, how handsome they might look, and how many hot women they can lure into bed without commitment or even investment into dating.

 

It's almost the same as the women who sleep with many guys. They equate their own self-worth on how many men want them.

 

How do people lie and hurt each other?

 

They are selfish and only think of their own well-being. It's like when you watch an action movie, and the one coward happily gives up the group to the bad guys because he/she wants to live and/or get paid. That person only thinks of themselves...no one else matters in his/her mind.

 

Do they ever feel guilty?

 

Sometimes...but often they make loads of excuses to themselves to justify their behavior. Case in point:

 

I feel pretty sure that my x/GF's don't feel bad for lying and cheating... one in particular blames my lack of attention for everything.

 

She made her excuse. Many women who play guys will play the empowerment card or victim card. In their eyes they are the innocent ones, and all men deserved her bad behavior. They will equate the men they hurt as "lower life forms" to make them feel better about their actions.

 

"Who cares what he thinks? He's an ugly loser anyway. He doesn't count."

 

I'm just glad I have someone really good. I think that makes all the difference.

 

Me too...I wish everyone here could find that.

[grkBoy]

Eh, it's the same girls that always date the players. Or it's a mistake a girl makes once or twice in college-aged years, maybe, but the ones that are still dating him year after year---it's a particular subset of women, not all women.

 

The allure of the player (and I mean the gals that FALL for the player, not just sleep with the player when they're also playing the field---that happens too) is two-fold: (1) specialness -- if they change the player, they are special, they are that magical girl who caught him!, (2) self-destructive/self-protection --- they don't feel equipped for a real relationship anyway and thus don't date men with real potential. It's silly, but not that hard to understand.

 

As to players, they usually have their own issues, though some are just about the sex (the more honest ones, actually).

 

^^^^^^

EXACTLY

 

 

Easiest thing many "nice guys" or "good men" can do is to start looking at these women for WHO THEY REALLY ARE and not what you think they can be to you.

 

Stop imagining her as your perfect girlfriend who will be thankful every day that someone is being good to her. See her as you would see a 300-lb hippo of a woman who is covered with warts. See her as the girl who you'll find knocked up and abandoned in her 30s, or alone and bitter because she couldn't change him.

 

I stopped feeling sorry for women who constantly hurt themselves...and instead let them bury their lives. These women today are the ones constantly meeting overgrown children, dealing with loads of drama, and always asking "where are all the good men?"

[verhrzn]

I think a lot of people assume women who fall for players are stupid and just like bad boys. Going from my own experiences, I think it's more likely that a woman is naive (not the same thing as stupid) and perhaps a little too trusting... ironically, the exact thing you're supposed to be to land a relationship.

 

I 'dated' a guy about a year ago who was probably the closest I'd come to a player. We met on a dating site where he did the initiation and stated clearly on his profile that he was looking for a relationship. The first few dates were a lot of fun, and we seemed to have a good connection.

 

I didn't bring up being a serious couple until about a month into the casual dating. I've been lectured to not scare a guy off by asking about a relationship 'too soon,' which I think is another loop hole players exploit. The woman (in this case, me) thinks she's playing by the rules and being respectful, while the guy can tell himself that it's okay he's using her, he never told her it was a relationship!

 

When I brought it up, the guy told me that he was still too hurt and wounded from what had occurred with his ex-fiancee. (They lived together, he supported her, she cheated on him, etc.) But that he really liked me, and wanted to take it slow.

 

Now, I should have written him off right there. But I'd also had it pounded into my head that I was too insecure and distrustful of men, that men are fragile creatures () who shouldn't be judged if they need time to heal. And of course it wasn't MY place to ask why he was still 'hurt' after 2 years, or why he was putting himself in the dating scene (as opposed to the casual sex scene) if he wasn't ready to date.

 

The guy kept me spinning around for five months, introducing me to all his friends, talking about trips we'd take together. Any time I started to get suspicious that I was being played, my friends or he himself would talk me down about needing to be more trusting, and understanding. He finally dumped me over voice mail by saying I was unattractive, and within a week was in an actual bonafide relationship.

 

The point is, the sword of trust and empathy can be double-edged. A good player is only slightly indistinguishable from a shy guy, or a broken-hearted guy. I've seen tons of advice, on this site and elsewhere, that advises girls to let bad behavior slide ("oh maybe he's stressed from work"), ignore inattention ("he's just shy!") and to not pressure the guy. It's created an environment that's ripe for manipulation by the guys who know how. This is especially, DOUBLY true for inexperienced girls, or girls who insecurity/low self-esteem issues.

[grkBoy]

I hear you verhzn, but you're talking of apple and oranges here.

 

From what you stated, it sounded like he didn't mistreat you in any way, shape, or form...but he just wouldn't commit. Then he one day just ended it quickly because he found some other girl.

 

I mainly speak of women who can clearly see this guy is no good, but she keeps trying and trying to change him or get him to commit. Instead of friends telling this woman to be more trusting, they would be telling her over and over to dump him.

 

This would be like if you caught him one night making out with some girl at a party, got mad, and left...but in a week he somehow sweet-talked you into giving him another chance. Or you got lonely after two weeks and just ran back to him for more sex, hoping you can "win him over".

 

There are a LOT of women like this. You are a rare breed who seemingly has a backbone and a brain...and I still think it's a tragedy that more guys keep overlooking you for the flakes, skanks, eye candy, drama queens, etc.

[phineas]

^^^^^^

EXACTLY

 

 

Easiest thing many "nice guys" or "good men" can do is to start looking at these women for WHO THEY REALLY ARE and not what you think they can be to you.

 

Stop imagining her as your perfect girlfriend who will be thankful every day that someone is being good to her. See her as you would see a 300-lb hippo of a woman who is covered with warts. See her as the girl who you'll find knocked up and abandoned in her 30s, or alone and bitter because she couldn't change him.

 

I stopped feeling sorry for women who constantly hurt themselves...and instead let them bury their lives. These women today are the ones constantly meeting overgrown children, dealing with loads of drama, and always asking "where are all the good men?"

 

You just paraphrased like half the profiles on match.com & 90% of the one's on POF....

[Thieves]

3. They are charming and make the woman feel good about themselves. People often don't realize that they want to be in a relationship not just because they like the person, but because of how that person makes them feel about themselves. Players are good at this.

 

4. And this is the big one, much overlooked I think. Players LOVE women. They look you in the eye when you're talking to them. They pay attention. They study women. They know women. I once had a girlfriend of mine (who is in her early 50's!) who had a ONS with a player say to me 'out of all of the men I have slept with, he was the only one who I felt really understood me as a woman.

 

Very good points! I honestly think the last reason is almost 60% of the reason why players are so damn dangerous, yet addictive to some women out there (who don't know better until it's obviously too late and their hearts are in shreds.) It's how, although these players have ulterior motives in their actions and underlying intentions in most of the words they spew out to these women, they can make a woman feel like she is understood. For them, that may have been something lacking in their past relationships.

 

They can also be very good at creating 'nice distractions'. But at the very least, players are able to imitate a good connection really well. They are very adept at giving the woman a lot of good 'attention' that she almost forgets if she's actually being treated well in the relationship, as she is so caught up with how he makes her feel.

 

It's how they make them feel, which is usually "liked", irresistable, fun, sexy, exceptionally interesting, and valued. They seem to listen to everything you say, remember things about you, observe common body language in women and play off that. They know how to tease you in a way that keeps you thinking about them, which is why they are able to string many girls along. That is lethal with some women, especially if they're insecure or have had their heart broken more than a few times...

Edited January 18, 2012 by Thieves

[Woggle]

The thing is that most players really don't like women. They just know how to get inside a woman's head and mess around with it but the ones I know have little to no regard for a woman's feelings. They are just very good at manipulation. Look at that Henry Rollins song Liar for an example of how they approach women.

 

I have been around guys who have women crawling all over them but when they are around the guys they have played voice mail messages with these women pouring their heart out for everybody to laugh at. It's amazing how some women keep falling for this crap.

 

They love women like a used car salesman loves their customers.

[thatone]

Here are some of my theories of why women are attracted to players.

 

1. They are confident. Women (and men!) are attracted and drawn to confidence.

 

2. People want what they can't have. The elusiveness of it all. It's the push/pull thing. When a man is pushing and all over you, it makes you take a step back. But when you see a man who is not only confident but makes you think you can't have him, it makes you want them all the more.

 

3. They are charming and make the woman feel good about themselves. People often don't realize that they want to be in a relationship not just because they like the person, but because of how that person makes them feel about themselves. Players are good at this.

 

4. And this is the big one, much overlooked I think. Players LOVE women. They look you in the eye when you're talking to them. They pay attention. They study women. They know women. I once had a girlfriend of mine (who is in her early 50's!) who had a ONS with a player say to me 'out of all of the men I have slept with, he was the only one who I felt really understood me as a woman.

 

There is a guy who I see out a lot who I have never met but a good friend of mine has. IMO he's not very attractive (or maybe just not my type), but he is always surrounded by women. I asked my friend about this and she said 'Have you ever talked to him?' Nope. So she goes on to say 'He's very charming, and when he's talking to you, you feel like you two are the only people in the room. It sucks you in'.

 

all of the above is accurate. even down to the last paragraph, you don't need to be the best looking guy in the room. you just need a way of saying things and carrying yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Here are some of my theories of why women are attracted to players.

 

1. They are confident. Women (and men!) are attracted and drawn to confidence.

 

2. People want what they can't have. The elusiveness of it all. It's the push/pull thing. When a man is pushing and all over you, it makes you take a step back. But when you see a man who is not only confident but makes you think you can't have him, it makes you want them all the more.

 

3. They are charming and make the woman feel good about themselves. People often don't realize that they want to be in a relationship not just because they like the person, but because of how that person makes them feel about themselves. Players are good at this.

 

4. And this is the big one, much overlooked I think. Players LOVE women. They look you in the eye when you're talking to them. They pay attention. They study women. They know women. I once had a girlfriend of mine (who is in her early 50's!) who had a ONS with a player say to me 'out of all of the men I have slept with, he was the only one who I felt really understood me as a woman.

 

There is a guy who I see out a lot who I have never met but a good friend of mine has. IMO he's not very attractive (or maybe just not my type), but he is always surrounded by women. I asked my friend about this and she said 'Have you ever talked to him?' Nope. So she goes on to say 'He's very charming, and when he's talking to you, you feel like you two are the only people in the room. It sucks you in'.

 

This is the most accurate post so far..

 

I think what people always misunderstand that there's this guy that comes walking out in a bar, dressed cheesy, wearing gold jewelry with the cheesiest pickup lines known to man, but he is good looking so he gets what he wants from women because women are stupid or naive.

 

First of all, a player isn't a guy who looks like a player. He just looks like almost the average guy except he has the right qualities that you would be looking for in a man. This is conveniently tailored into an appealing package that is not in your face, it is subtle.

 

Secondly, players know how to talk to women. This is their specialization! They are charming, sweet, thoughtful, caring all the crap that ladies love and look for in a man they know how to put on that magic cloak and be the guy of your desires. Players don't have the confusion that nice guys fail to understand and grasp with women, so they don't have to stand idle.

 

Thirdly, players are addicted to women! and the more women they end up with the more experienced they become. It's not a regressive thing, they get smarter and better, more cunning. Any sort of challenge is enticing to a player, especially those big walls women like to throw up.

 

Lastly, players know can read you, they know what kind of woman you are. They know how to press the right buttons, they know how to get in your head and hook your emotions. It's not just a physical thing.

 

A players most powerful tool is his words, but he's not fool and knows his actions are also required. By the time you figure out you are being played, or even better yet that you never got played due to a technicality then it's over just like that...done, finished and on to the next.

Edited January 19, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[thatone]

and expanding on ninjainpajamas' points, from a man's point of view, who has done this sort of thing here and there although admittedly it's not my preferred lifestyle...

 

the reason the player won't be caught is the reason ninjainpajamas' mentioned. he learns, he observes, he fine tunes, he grows more adept at his task. the reason he does this is because the game/chase is the fun part, that's the only thing that he gets motivation from and improves upon. getting laid is the end of it. after he gets laid he has to find a new one, the game is over, an the only way to start the game over again is to find another one to play it with.

 

the occasional woman who does catch and marry the player did so only due to timing. she happened to be the one who was there when he decided to make a lifestyle change because of becoming bored with the game.

[ThaWholigan]

Excellent posts in this thread, I wish I could expand but they've already been explained so well. I know a few players, I was friends with most of them. Some of them were good looking, but most of the time they just looked like normal guys. They didn't dress too flashy, but they dressed OK regardless (colour co-ordination, belt matches shoes etc. the ***** guys like me never used to bother with usually). It was always the way they carried themselves. Body Language was poised yet relaxed. The way they spoke was charming, well-paced, effortless delivery in what they said and how they said it, didn't rush. No needless intonations in their voices, never fluctuated and got higher (Leonard in Big Bang Theory comes to mind).

 

The best thing is that a lot of these attributes are not limited to the player alone. Anyone can cultivate them, and not be a player.

[thatone]

 

The best thing is that a lot of these attributes are not limited to the player alone. Anyone can cultivate them, and not be a player.

 

yeah, they are not by default evil traits.

 

and as i was joking with a female friend recently, if i looked like those gym rats in my local bar i wouldn't need all those other skills. of course the players are gonna be the average looking guys.

 

"if i didn't have bullsh*t i'd never get laid"