Jadestone Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 i have been dating a guy for quite some time. things have been rough on me. he's been juggling me and another girl. him and this other girl have been friends for quite some time. (him and i had no title) i have known the guy since high school, but we didn't see each other for 10 years. when i moved back into town, i started working for him. shortly after, he convinced me to quit my job. it's only after many complicated events that i've come to the realization that i was told to quit so he could protect the other girl. i have gone through hell with this guy. we had such a great relationship at the start. more and more things started to come to light. the more i found out, the more it drove him to the other chick. recently my mom was diagnosed with cancer. by this time, i wasn't seeing him as much. he was spending most of his time with her. here and there he would counsel me, but i took a lot of time for myself. the last thing i wanted was to lean or attach myself to someone who would not be there for me. he told me recently that the other girls mom just died, and that he has been selfish by seeing us both, but has still continued to maintain contact. he recently stayed the night at my place. the girl freaked out on him because she couldn't get ahold of him, and the next morning i was the one who had to counsel him on his anxiety over it. it was painful for me. here this guy was, a guy i was in love with, telling me everything about this other girl. he told me he wasn't in a relationship with her, and that it was out of her character to respond in this jealous manner. he said he could understand why, but then proceeded to ask me if i had sent her a picture of him sleeping in my bed. i was crushed. as if i haven't put up with enough. i have gone from being his lover, his whore, to know his therapist- and he's asking me if i did something vindictive. he's telling me he doesn't want to be in a r/ship, but he feels bad for her, and feels he has to be there for her. he even said, your mom is sick, but her mom JUST died out of no where with no warning, she needs me. so i gave him advice despite my wants. i told him that it is natural for relationships to progress, and people to bond because of death. if he does not want that to happen, he should back out now rather than confuse the girl. i told him he shouldn't continue seeing her out of guilt. but- if he loves her, or feels they can have a strong r/ship- he has to start being honest about everything from here on out. i told him that i have known about the lies that he told me and always wished he would have admitted them sooner. "you don't know how much she knows, or how she knows it. if you LIE to her, she WILL hate you. if you are honest, she may or may not hate you, but at least she can respect you. if you want to be with her, you have to be honest. a relationship can not grow or last if there isn't honesty. if you are going to be there for her, BE THERE FOR HER BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER, not bc you feel bad. you are not doing anybody any favors. anything less than the truth is selfish and immature." so- here i am, the girl who knows everything. the girl who has put up with BS. the girl who has taking time to understand him. and now i'm telling the man i love to get off the fence, to not be a coward, and to embrace her and be a good man to her. the man i wish he was with me. she has him holding her through her grief. and i have to go it alone as i take my mom to radiation. i've faced a lot in my life. among some- i've lost two brothers. but this is probably the worst love situation i have ever been in. it really hurts.
Emilia Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I'm very very sorry you are going through this, it sounds very rough. I hope your mum gets well soon. I think perhaps in the future it will be best if you make sure your dating situation is more clear cut. From what I have seen dating a man who is also seeing someone else doesn't usually work out. I know a lot of people multidate but not everyone does. Perhaps it's best not to get involved with someone heavily until you are exclusive.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Jadestone, I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. My mom is a best friend to me so I can't imagine how hard it is. You said something important: here i am, the girl who knows everything. the girl who has put up with BS. the girl who has taking time to understand him. and now i'm telling the man i love to get off the fence, to not be a coward, and to embrace her and be a good man to her. the man i wish he was with me. What has this man offered you (or even the other girl) that's worth all this? He's not doing right by either one of you. He's juggling both of you and who knows what he is telling the other girl when you aren't around. This man is a coward. He's weak. He's manipulative and he's simply not good enough for your love. I think you need to do some introspective work within yourself and ask yourself why you are willing to settle for so little in a man for a few feel-good-crumbs he might throw your way sometimes. This man isn't there for you. And if he isn't coming through for you at this time in your life, a time where your going through cancer with your mom, he isn't going to ever be there for you. You need to cut off communcation with him and move on. It's not going to be easy and it's going to hurt at first but he has done nothing to prove that he's there for you. All he has done is dumped his problems on you and let you and this other woman feed his ego. For your sake, you need to move on. He's not a good man. And I think what you "wish" this man was and who he really is are two different things. You deserve more then this.
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 it really hurts. Yup, my sympathies. Best wishes for a successful outcome with your mother. BTDT with the daily visits to the oncology center. By focusing primarily on your current situation and your mother's care, the dynamic with this man can be put into perspective. Think about who you and your mother are for each other and what you mean to each other. The man in question is who he is. His actions are his calling card. Right now, they appear to be counterproductive to what you need in life. Accept that. Do what is healthy for you. Right now he doesn't appear to be healthy for you.
xxoo Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 he told me he wasn't in a relationship with her, and that it was out of her character to respond in this jealous manner. he said he could understand why, but then proceeded to ask me if i had sent her a picture of him sleeping in my bed. i was crushed. as if i haven't put up with enough. i have gone from being his lover, his whore, to know his therapist- and he's asking me if i did something vindictive. Why did he ask you about that picture? Sounds like someone sent her a photo of him in her bed. Sounds to me like there is at least on other woman he is stringing along.... This guy is no good. You love him, but he isn't returning that love. Screw that--you deserve to get back the precious love that you give! I am really sorry about your mom
yessy21 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Im sorry your going through all this by yourself. You have a good heart. Others would not tell the man they love and want to themselves to be with the person they want. I think you should concentrate on your mom and not forget to take a day out of the week for you. Its important to not loose yourself in all this. And even though its hard... i think the best thing you could do is erase all contact with him. like he was never there and let yourself heal. if not you will be doing this for a very long time and i doubt you want to be stuck in one place forever.
Author Jadestone Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 thank you everyone for the replies. i haven't slept all night. i'm doing my best to let go. it's really hard. i feel like i'm feeling the other girls situation, rejection, and my own situation. it's kind of overwhelming. i don't think i've felt this kind of pain before. i mean, i really LOVED this shmuck. does anyone believe in karma or reasons for things? i just need something to help me keep my head up. how am i having to deal with my mom's mortality, and ALL OF THIS!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG this is painful. i'm sorry to be so fragile. but this is a unique and crappy exp. i'm the kind of person who sees beauty after the storm, but i just can't seem to feel that right now. :*(
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) You wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt. I bet this other girl has some of the same questions as you do considering that he is toggling inbetween both of you. I doubt she likes the fact he leans on you (if she even knows about you) anymore then you like the fact that he leans on her. I do think things happen for a reason. This doesn't undermine the hurt and pain but try looking at it from the perspective of learning from it. You now know what you want from a man better. You also now know what to watch out for in men concerning future relationships. What a man says and what a man does can sometimes be two different things. And what a man does is always going to be the real reflection of who he is. I also do believe that you reap what you sow. But I don't think it always comes back to you in the ways you might think it should. I think that this situation with this man is draining you. And when you take him out of your life, you can direct more of your energy to your mom and yourself. Right now that's all you need to worry about. Getting yourself to a healthy place and being there for your Mom and taking it one day at a time. That's all you can do. And you WILL look back on this situation wondering what you ever saw in his guy. Jade - I'd like to send you a private message but you have it turnd off or something. Edited January 18, 2012 by Disenchantedly Yours
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 She needs 100 posts or to subscribe for PM. OP, pick one thing today, perhaps a funny or meaningful moment with your mother, and make it your success for today. Everything else can be fail, including the dynamic with this man. Those feelings are valid. You still are a success today. Try it. Good luck.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Oh okay, thanks for the heads up on that.
xxoo Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 does anyone believe in karma or reasons for things? i just need something to help me keep my head up. how am i having to deal with my mom's mortality, and ALL OF THIS!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? Looking for small blessings, many women find it seemingly impossible to walk away from guys like this unless forced. They remain second choice, or the "other woman", for years and years. Sad reality. The current circumstances have forced the issue, and you will ultimately be better off without him. No time like the present to take steps toward a better relationship for yourself.
Author Jadestone Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 hi everyone. i tried to find a way to enable emails, but did not find anything. i just wanted to say thank you. i appreciate everything, and i wanted to give you an update. he contacted me yday and accused me of breaking into his house! hahah. i mean seriously. when i was a kid, i was a trouble maker. i trusted him with those stories. and bc i went to his house and knocked on his door while he was in bed with another girl, i'm accused. he can blame me all he wants. i know i have no part of this mess. and truthfully, i have found it comical. i have not involved myself in any of his recent messes. this is all his handy work. he is so busy putting the blame on me, that he isn't even focusing his attention on the real cause. a few months back someone stole all of the money out of his account as well. i seriously thank the universe for showing me how trashy this man is. he tries to act like he's an amazing man. but all of his inner junk reflects in all of his drama. these people are what we call, crazy makers. energy vortex. psychic vampires. YAY. I'M FREE.
musemaj11 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 As long as he pays for it, a man has the right to juggle as many women as he wants.
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