Ajax Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) When I came here in September 2011 I was crushed over having been dumped.It took me forever to get over it, and I had the same negative attitudes of dumpers that so many other people here have. But now, after having moved on and started dating a woman for a couple months, one who clearly wants to be with me... I'm finding it increasingly likely that I'm about to become a dumper. I honestly do care for her and have enjoyed our time together. It's long distance, but we started seeing each other in November and have met up several times since. Most recently She came up for New Years, and we made things official. But in the past two weeks something changed, and she's starting to make me uncomfortable. Part of it seems to be insecurity on her part. I'm not insensitive to it. Long distance relationships can be difficult and create doubts. I get that. But to me things that she does and says are starting to give me pause. For one, we talk for an hour or so almost every night, be it online, on the phone, or webcamming on Skype. On the few occasions that I've had something else planned with family or friends, she gets upset. And when I say she gets upset I mean she says things like "you never want to talk to me" or, "why is everybody else more important than me?" I try to reassure her, but it's gotten to the point where I avoid doing things with other people because I don't want the conflict. And I don't think that's healthy. Another issue that's become increasingly frustrating is that she'll text me about 20 times a day, and get upset when I don't respond in 10 minutes. She wants to know what I'm doing, where I am, and who I'm with... at all times. I understand that she's interested, but I really get the feeling she wants to make sure I'm not cheating on her. Which brings me to the thing that is bothering me the most. I have friends who are women. This is something that she's really uncomfortable with, as she's said she has no male friends and doesn't think men and women can be just friends. She hasn't come right out and said it, but she's hinted that I should get rid of them. Now these women are people who've been in my life for years, over a decade in some cases. Some of them are married with children. Every one of them has been there for me through hard times. I've never slept with any of them, and never will. She seems to want me to abandon these friendships, which is something I'm not prepared to do. Ever. I'm a loyal boyfriend, and I've never cheated. But I'm also a loyal friend. We have discussed these things, or tried to. Any time I've brought it up she dismisses it as joking. But I'm not finding it funny. So last night I came to the realization that I think I want out. She was relating a story about her friend who got upset with her boyfriend for going away for a night, and how when we're together we'll never be separated even for one night. It seemed so possessive. So now I come to you asking for advice on how to proceed. I like her, and really did see a future with her, but the possessiveness is making me question it, and the fact that she seemingly doesn't take my concerns seriously isn't helping. If I end things she's going to be shocked. She's making plans for us in the future, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to continue investing in this. I know how it feels to be dumped. It was agony, and I know that if I do it I have to be sensitive and respectful. But jeez, I never wanted to be in this position. Edited January 17, 2012 by Ajax
Philosoraptor Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Sounds like she is very insecure and needs to be put at the top of the list at all times. Reminds me a lot of my ex and I do not recommend going down that path. But be honest with her and communicate and you might be able to get through it or at least work at things. But if you are sure you are done with her then break it cleanly and give no sense of false hope.
geegirl Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I would communicate those feelings to her first before ending it, if you're on the fence. She may not even realize that her reactions are affecting you this way. I say this hoping that her need for security and assurance is magnified only by the pressures of a long distance relationship. Maybe it is worth a shot to see if things change. And if they don't, it will help reinforce the need to let go. But if you feel that you're completely done and that she's drained you with her insecurities, then it would be best to let her know that it is not working for you anymore. I do believe though that this is just the way she is, LDR or not.
Exit Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I would communicate those feelings to her first before ending it, if you're on the fence. This was my initial reaction too. If you're already 100% decided about what you want to do, then it's not really necessary. But if you aren't sure, or if you just want to be able to clear your conscience one last time that way you won't have any second thoughts later on, make sure she knows every single thing you have written here, to the letter. If you've already communicated it at clearly as possible, that's fine, but like you said, maybe she thinks it's a joke or takes it too lightly. I would say this type of conversation would be best done in person, but that depends on the next time you're going to see her. If you won't be meeting in person for a while, you shouldn't set it off too far in the future, so it may have to be a phone call. Make sure you have her full, undivided attention, and maybe even ask if she can hold any responses and just give you a few uninterrupted minutes to make yourself perfectly clear. You don't like being questioned when you can't answer a text in 5 minutes, the females you consider friends are not even on your radar in terms of getting physical with them, all of that stuff. Make sure she hears you, and make sure she knows what the consequences will be if nothing changes. This isn't being a jerk or giving someone an unfair ultimatum, it is simply defining your boundaries and seeing if this person can handle it or not. This is just how I would handle it. I don't think I could ever break up with someone without knowing they've heard me explain absolutely clearly what is bothering me, maybe just because I'm all too familiar with being the dumpee who doesn't really understand, or who only gets the complete version of the story when it's already too late. Some people have an easier time walking away without feeling like they owe an explanation, or already recognize that their feelings are gone and nothing they could do would help. If you are feeling that way, then I would still have a conversation with her, but instead make it clear that it's already too late for you and you just don't think it will work out. Good luck.
fucpcg Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I would communicate those feelings to her first before ending it, if you're on the fence. She may not even realize that her reactions are affecting you this way. I say this hoping that her need for security and assurance is magnified only by the pressures of a long distance relationship. Maybe it is worth a shot to see if things change. And if they don't, it will help reinforce the need to let go. But if you feel that you're completely done and that she's drained you with her insecurities, then it would be best to let her know that it is not working for you anymore. I do believe though that this is just the way she is, LDR or not. /\ this 100%
Author Ajax Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 Thanks for the advice and the input, everyone. It's all very well thought out and articulated, and I'll plan on following it. But I have to say I've been having a lot of anxiety about this today, and am having trouble concentrating on anything else. Like geegirl, I have a feeling this is how she really is. And if that's the case, I don't feel like I can really be myself if I'm with her.
CaliBabe Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Ajax, She sounds incredibly insecure and possessive. I don't think that this is a healthy relationship. There should be trust and a level of having your own independence from each partner. This relationship is still so very new (well officially new). This should still be the funner honeymoon stage. If she is already getting possessive gosh knows where you will be in the future. Your already not living your life to it's fullest if you are avoiding doing things because you don't want to deal with her insecurity. Do you really want to live like that? A partner should be enriching your life, not making you not live your life to it's fullest. I know it will be really hard and will be a struggle, but my suggestion is to get out of this relationship as it is unhealthy(which I think you already know this). You will be saving yourself future heartache, it will be much harder in the future to leave after you are already so emotionally invested. You know we are all here for you, be strong and do whats best for yourself!
geegirl Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 She was relating a story about her friend who got upset with her boyfriend for going away for a night, and how when we're together we'll never be separated even for one night. It seemed so possessive. Huge red flag. This is who she is. It's somewhat creepy to me. If alarms are going off, it's best to listen.
lilyblue Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Did she show signs of this prior to becoming "official"?
Dark Phoenix Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I like how we try and convince a dumper to not dump someone on this board. It makes me chuckle. At the same time, I like how we try and find all the faults in the person being dumped to validate the reasons for the dumping. What I want to point out is Ajax got walked on and over in 3 months? He not once stood up for himself. Not only that but it was in an LDR. People that post here need to start looking in the mirror at themselves instead of blaming others. At any time he could have said the word "NO" to her and walked away. He didnt. He sacrificed himself over and over and over again. This is not her fault at all, she was being who she is. You can't put blame on someone and label them for who they are or how they behave especially when they are not here to defend themselves
notrick Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I'll state an opinion which may get my IP address tracked, and me tarred and/or feathered. But. There is nothing at all wrong with leaving a relationship, after any length of time, with or without reasons. This is even more so when children are not involved. Nor is it an indictment of a would-be ex as a bad person. We feel like it's wrong because it hurts so much. Our hearts are funny that way. If you feel good about the relationship, by all means work on it. If you don't feel good about it, then go, and go before both of you get more stuck together. Your would-be ex will be very hurt. I think the most important thing in life is to avoid hurting others unnecessarily. This is one of those unavoidable hurts. P.S. Receiving 20 (intentional) texts daily would be enough to send me packing, regardless of reason.
without Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 If she is just acting like this for 2 weeks maybe there's sth wrong with her,maybe it's not her character to be like this.just a bad time which we all have. I also agree with Dark Phoenix completely.
Author Ajax Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 So I thought after the great advice I got from you guys you at least deserved an update The night after I started this thread I had a Skype conversation with her, which is as close to face to face as we could do at the time. I tried to calmly and respectfully express my concerns, and while I was prepared for the worst, was happy that she listened to me and did address my concerns with me. It was a good conversation. I decided to give her a chance to try to deal with the insecurity and possessive tendencies that were worrying me. And I wanted it to be a legitimate chance, not one of those "you're on notice and I'm keeping track of every little thing I don't like" chances that it seems some dumpers play. So far things haven't been perfect, but they have been noticeably better, and I'm trying to be supportive and open so to hopefully she won't feel as insecure. And I'm glad I didn't jump the gun.
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 So I thought after the great advice I got from you guys you at least deserved an update The night after I started this thread I had a Skype conversation with her, which is as close to face to face as we could do at the time. I tried to calmly and respectfully express my concerns, and while I was prepared for the worst, was happy that she listened to me and did address my concerns with me. It was a good conversation. I decided to give her a chance to try to deal with the insecurity and possessive tendencies that were worrying me. And I wanted it to be a legitimate chance, not one of those "you're on notice and I'm keeping track of every little thing I don't like" chances that it seems some dumpers play. So far things haven't been perfect, but they have been noticeably better, and I'm trying to be supportive and open so to hopefully she won't feel as insecure. And I'm glad I didn't jump the gun. I am very glad you took some of the positive advice given in this thread. While it would have been understandable leaving due to the circumstances, at least she is willing to try to correct some issues. Will ir work? Who knows? But if you wanted it to work, at least you have given it as good a chance as any. Best of luck to you
Eddie Edirol Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 This might help out some people who are in the same situation Ajax, what did she say when you approached her about this? Did she accept it, admit she had a problem, anything?
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