Birthday Flub

[make me believe]

In your first post you were complaining that you don't know how to do your hair etc because your mom never taught you. Now you're saying that you have no desire to 'change yourself' or learn hair/makeup techniques. Which is it?? Why complain about it if you are really ok with how things are?

 

I would be pretty upset if my husband got me a haircut for my birthday, unless I'd specifically asked for it. I think that was a blunder on your boyfriend's part. But you need to quite making excuses for yourself. My mother never sat me down and taught me how to do my hair & makeup & gave me fashion advice. I don't know anybody's mom who actually did that. But you are a grown up now, and if you feel ugly you can take the initiave to teach yourself how to make yourself feel pretty. Sitting around and blaming it on your mom is a waste of time.

 

Your bf thought he was doing something nice for you, and I can understand why it made you feel insecure, but you need to start taking responsibility for your own feelings & reactions rather than blaming it on your childhood. Your childhood doesn't need to define you for the rest of your life.

[Els]

No, I gave all that background to explain why I initially reacted the way I did.

 

And I did apologize and told him all this stuff and like I said, he came to the solution that he wouldn't buy me presents anymore so I didn't misunderstand his intent. So I get the feeling that his feelings are still hurt.

 

Just give it time, IMO. It's great that you've apologized for your mistake and tried to explain it to him. He is understandably still feeling hurt (I would be too if I got the bf a well-intentioned gift and he blew up on me!), but with patience and calmness on your part, this should blow over.

 

I personally don't think that he gave you the haircut gift because he wants you to change or because he thinks your hair looks bad; I can understand why you'd feel that way, and it would gnaw at me a little too, but it isn't rational! If you buy him a shirt, are you saying he dresses badly? No. If you buy him an expensive dinner, are you saying he cooks badly? No. I don't see any difference between his gift to you, and a shirt (which is a common gift by girls to their bfs).

 

Based on what you've described, I think he gave it to you because YOU feel bad about your hair being 'unfeminine' (given what you've talked about in your OP about being depressed and all that). So he just wanted you to feel better.

 

And I don't want to jump on the bandwagon with the 'well why don't you do your hair etc' people, but I honestly think that if YOU are sad because you don't look feminine and such, why not do something about it? And if you don't want to, that's great, but why be sad about it when it's a conscious choice that you're making? That's like saying, well, I don't want to go to the park today, but I'm sad because I'm stuck at home all day. Rather... self-defeating.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Oh man! You guys too? Jeez, why does everyone want to pretty me up?

 

1. First of all, I work with animals for a living. I am not about to spends lots of money on fusionable clothes that will end up covered in hair, drool, and witty bitty teeth holes.

 

2. Jewelry or silly shoes would make my job unsafe.

 

3. In the morning, I wake up, take my fogs to potty, feed them, dress, brush my teeth, deodorant, quick brush and make myself a cup of coffee. The entire process takes TWELVE MINUTES. I think that's fabulous. I get tons of extra sleep that I wouldn't if I was up slathering my face with nonsense or fiddling with a curling iron.

 

4. I'm financially well off. I like to think it's because I don't spend my money on silly stuff.

 

5. I have dark auburn hair, pale white skin, and blue eyes. (Not unlike my avatar) i'm also a mere 5 foot tall with a d cup, 26 inch waist and ghetto booty. On top of THAT, I have TINY size 4 feet. Meaning? I attract every weirdo creep with every creepy fetish there ever was. The LAST thing I was to do is glam myself up so yet another freak who likes my pale skin "because it reminds him of dead bodies" can zero in on me at a party.

 

6. I really am a shy person. I don't like a lot of attention, so I dress down. Every time I dress up, people stare and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

7. And lastly, I really feel like if my boyfriend likes the pretty girly type, he should date that instead of trying to make me into something i'm not. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin even if it's not societies definition of attractive.

 

Your first three points are all about how making yourself fashionable/attractive for work isn't realistic. Considering your job, I agree! So don't do it for work. Do it for nights when you go out on a date with your boyfriend and have a few extra minutes to do your hair and apply some makeup. Do it for when you go out with your girlfriends and want to look fashionable. Work is most days, but it's not every single day.

 

HOWEVER, all that is irrelevant to your OP. I agree that the gift your BF got you kinda blows. As other posters have noted, it seems that he got you something that he wanted you to have; in a way it was almost more a gift for himself. Even though I agree that maybe you could put more effort into your style once in a while, your birthday is about you and he should have gotten you something he knew you'd love and enjoy. If he's been with you for a while, he's probably noticed that you're not into "girly" stuff. So why would he choose that as your birthday present? Maybe your emotional reaction was a little over the top, but I'd be disappointed, too, if I were you.

 

And socks?? What is with the socks?? What is he, your weird uncle who knows nothing about you and therefore has no idea what to get you?

 

Edit: From one pale-skinned lady to another, I've never had someone tell me they like my skin because it reminds them of dead bodies. A little bit of blush and lipgloss can eliminate the "dead body" look entirely and just make you look like a classic, pretty, porcelain beauty.

[Janesays]

I WASN'T sad about how I looked....until he told me my gift. I thought I looked fine and I initionally thought he was saying I didn't. And my shock and surprise caused me to behave rather poorly. On a day to day basis, I am quite pleased with how I look. I never learned to primp, but it worked out for the best in the end.

[FitChick]

I would love to have someone pay for my haircuts as they cost $85 not counting the tip!

 

I agree that you should make an effort when you go out with your boyfriend since he is the most important person in your life, no? He would feel proud to have other men stare at you. Who wants to take out a woman who looks like she just finished cleaning out a kennel? Unless you want to eat at McDonald's all the time.

[Janesays]

Jeez, that's way snotty and rude fitchick. I started this thread because I initially felt bad for being rude to my boyfriend. But in comparison to some of the posters here, i'm miss freaking manners.

[phillyfan]

OK, a little background...

 

First off, I have an amazing boyfriend. So let's get that out of the way here. He grew up in a very normal home and comes from a very loving family. That doesn't sound like it would be an issue, but in this particular case, it may be.

 

In my case, I grew up in a severely abusive home. Lifetime movie of the week type abuse. It was a very, very dark childhood for me.

 

Of course, around this time of the year, I get really sad and depressed. Usually around Christmas time (We never celebrated Christmas growing up) and continues all the way until the end of Jan. (Which is my birthday. Again, never celebrated) Birthdays are especially depressing for me because my little brother's is 10 days before mine and his was always celebrated with a big party and presents. It was only mine that was completely ignored. So I really internalized that big time.

 

Another issue that I have is that, because I never had a real Mother growing up, I'm really not good at being a girl. I don't know how to pick out nice outfits. I'm not really good at styling my hair. My nails look like crap. I don't know how to put make-up on. You know, all that stuff a Mother is supposed to teach you, I never really learned. Most of the time, this really doesn't bother me. And I just laugh it off. I will make fun of my hair and my clothes all the time. That way, when other people do it (And they do), it's more like they're laughing WITH me and not AT me. Does that make sense?

 

So that's the background. I explain that so maybe you can understand why I reacted the way I did which was admittedly rude and ungracious.

 

My boyfriend told me on the phone that he got me a haircut and socks for my birthday. Instead of thanking him like a normal human being, I got very upset, and said, "Does my hair look that bad?"

 

This turned into a BIG THING. I got all upset and felt like he was making fun of my hair and what a rotten time to do it around my birthday when I'm already depressed and he got upset because he felt he was just trying to give me something I would like.

 

Now I fell like I'm ugly, lonely, AND RUDE.

 

Logically, I know my boyfriend didn't have any mal intent. Emotionally, I just feel really rotten. Depression isn't logical and traditionally speaking, I won't snap out of this until my birthday.

 

To make me feel better, he said he wasn't going to get me the haircut anymore. Just the socks. Then he said he wasn't going to buy me presents anymore since I misunderstood his intentions.

 

I don't know how to make this right because the more I explain, the worse I explain it. And right now, I'm so sad. We're talking YEARS of bad memories always hit me all at once. I stifle them all year so I can be energetic and positive, but I usually can't shake them now. But I don't want to upset my boyfriend either.

 

What can I do to make this better?

 

Dude no littl girl shud go thru bad times, i feel 4 u. But dude u need betta copin strategeis. I train wit this dude he got beat real bad by his pops 4 yrs wen he was a kid, only stoppd wen he ran away thn slept ruff then made his way on his own in the end but still, tuff times. BUT he sed the gym n liftin weights saved his life. And he aint lyin, he aint makin tht up, he literaly means it, saved the dudes life. Sed it was the only positiv he had, he puts his hard an soul into trainin in the gym. Plus it changd his brain chemistry he gets happyer easier now. He also looks the sh*t now, LOL, wich, yea, aint d only important thing but ppl r nicer 2 him, respect how good he looks, he eats so good respects his body....yrs ago wen he was younh he cudnt cope n drank, got into fights he cudnt handle the memories.

 

So mite not sound like 'you' rite now but why not hit the gym / workout evry time the demons hit? U need 2 get outa ur own skin wen the memories come bak bad. An u dont need no mom 2 teach u hair, makeup, nails, n all tht sh*t, be diffrent, go for it, go for all the treatments, spoil urself, u need to CHANGE UP girl if noone in ur life treeted u like a princess then HELL girl U DO IT 4 URSELF. U need a change u need 2 have a betta way of copin.

 

Shout out 2 ur boy by d way, he sounds like a keeper. But dude do rememba, he can only b pushd so far, he mite find this realy hard 2 deal with, it aint his fault, sounds like he tryes hard but if u get a good copin strategy of ur own n he sees tht it makes it easyer on YOU AND on him.

 

Good luck girl pleese thnk about it, tht lost littl girl, she aint in ur familys hands no more, shes in urs, dont u neglect all the nice stuff 4 her too, u aint gotta feel scared bout treatin her like a princess now. If u ask me tht dont mean curlin irons n all tht sh*t but it does mean treatin urself good n not bein afrayd 2 look afta urself, eat good, work out, treat ur body rite, n hav a bit of fun sumtimes - treatin urslef 2 a haircut or wateva - aint nothin wrong in tht.

Edited January 18, 2012 by phillyfan

[Fondue]

As a rational man, my initial reaction would be (if I was your bf), is that: "I stuck my dick in crazy."

 

Honestly.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or condescending or anything of that nature. It seems like getting all upset over a few gifts that seemed genuine and internalized them as "HE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY I AM" seems so absurd to me.

 

I don't know how your relationship is and how long you've been dating, but if I was in a relationship with someone who did something similar, I would be thinking: "wtf did I do? She seriously got upset over gifts?" I would be doubting the legitimacy of the relationship itself. Then again, I also don't believe much in giving/receiving gifts. They're meaningless to me. So if I went out of my way to get someone something and they responded in such a manner, I'd be flabbergasted.