Birthday Flub

[Janesays]

OK, a little background...

 

First off, I have an amazing boyfriend. So let's get that out of the way here. He grew up in a very normal home and comes from a very loving family. That doesn't sound like it would be an issue, but in this particular case, it may be.

 

In my case, I grew up in a severely abusive home. Lifetime movie of the week type abuse. It was a very, very dark childhood for me.

 

Of course, around this time of the year, I get really sad and depressed. Usually around Christmas time (We never celebrated Christmas growing up) and continues all the way until the end of Jan. (Which is my birthday. Again, never celebrated) Birthdays are especially depressing for me because my little brother's is 10 days before mine and his was always celebrated with a big party and presents. It was only mine that was completely ignored. So I really internalized that big time.

 

Another issue that I have is that, because I never had a real Mother growing up, I'm really not good at being a girl. I don't know how to pick out nice outfits. I'm not really good at styling my hair. My nails look like crap. I don't know how to put make-up on. You know, all that stuff a Mother is supposed to teach you, I never really learned. Most of the time, this really doesn't bother me. And I just laugh it off. I will make fun of my hair and my clothes all the time. That way, when other people do it (And they do), it's more like they're laughing WITH me and not AT me. Does that make sense?

 

So that's the background. I explain that so maybe you can understand why I reacted the way I did which was admittedly rude and ungracious.

 

My boyfriend told me on the phone that he got me a haircut and socks for my birthday. Instead of thanking him like a normal human being, I got very upset, and said, "Does my hair look that bad?"

 

This turned into a BIG THING. I got all upset and felt like he was making fun of my hair and what a rotten time to do it around my birthday when I'm already depressed and he got upset because he felt he was just trying to give me something I would like.

 

Now I fell like I'm ugly, lonely, AND RUDE.

 

Logically, I know my boyfriend didn't have any mal intent. Emotionally, I just feel really rotten. Depression isn't logical and traditionally speaking, I won't snap out of this until my birthday.

 

To make me feel better, he said he wasn't going to get me the haircut anymore. Just the socks. Then he said he wasn't going to buy me presents anymore since I misunderstood his intentions.

 

I don't know how to make this right because the more I explain, the worse I explain it. And right now, I'm so sad. We're talking YEARS of bad memories always hit me all at once. I stifle them all year so I can be energetic and positive, but I usually can't shake them now. But I don't want to upset my boyfriend either.

 

What can I do to make this better?

Edited January 17, 2012 by Janesays

[Buttercup84]

Tell him what you said here . That you feel insecure about it and you're worried he does not like your hair . Then say you'd love to get it done and ask him if he'd help you choose a style from a magazine .

 

Have a good talk about it to him , be open . And happy birthday x

[bean1]

I can understand your position, having a similar childhood, it's hard to not internalize and react in that way. However, you will make this a very miserable relationship (if it lasts) by continuing.

 

One thing that helps me get through these feelings (particularly related to alcohol use and physical violence) is to take a breath and remind myself that he is NOT "X" (for me it was my father) and that he does not deserve to be treated in this manner. That, and I am overreacting/creating these emotions rather than it actually being real.

 

You may want to consider counseling for yourself to help overcome these issues - this is a cycle that is very important to break, particularly if you have any desire to have a family of your own one day (it was a daily struggle when my son was first born to not act in the same manner, and I made it, but it was very very hard). Good luck

[Emilia]

By taking charge and learning all the things you think your mother should have taught you from others and from magazines. I had to do the same.

 

My mother never taught me anything feminine, in fact she did the opposite of good influence because she is very conservative and she always wanted us to wear baggy/badly fitting clothes, she hated make up, she still to this day has no idea how to get a decent haircut, how to put make up on, etc

 

It sucks when someone like a boyfriend points these out but maybe it's time to turn yourself into the beautiful swan that he can see in you. It needs to be done though. I didn't really learn these things until I was around 30/31 when I turned my life around. After you move out of your childhood home you don't have the excuse of not knowing what to do anymore.

 

It is those that are closest to you that have to point out when something is missing. He has your best interest at heart and he was trying to help you.

[Janesays]

Tell him what you said here . That you feel insecure about it and you're worried he does not like your hair .

 

I did. That's when he said that he was just trying to do something nice for me and that he'd just get me the socks instead.

 

Then say you'd love to get it done and ask him if he'd help you choose a style from a magazine .

 

I actually don't want to get it done. I really like it the way it is. I know it's probably not styled correctly, but I feel comfortable how I look now. It took me years to feel OK about how I look. Do I really have to get it done to fix this? I will if I have too.

[Janesays]

It sucks when someone like a boyfriend points these out but maybe it's time to turn yourself into the beautiful swan that he can see in you. It needs to be done though.

 

Ouch. But I really just like myself the way I am. I have no interest in that stuff anymore.

[bean1]

I also think you should adjust your vision of your childhood in some manner. You need to learn to move on (and I say this as someone who also came from an abusive home). For example, blaming your mother for not teaching you to do your hair/nails/dress etc. I don't know anyone whose mother taught them these things (and my mother was a hairdresser and not the abusive parent). Girls learned that from reading magazines or experimenting with it in their teens. This is, again, focusing a blame on someone or something that is not actually the source of the problem, and this is easy to do when you come from a home where you were constantly a victim. Being a victim of domestic home abuse will always be a part of you, but it is not "you" and "you" are not the same person anymore. You are an adult with permission to overcome and grow from the situation. The longer you let your past hold you back, the longer it will take for you to grow from it.

[Emilia]

I actually don't want to get it done. I really like it the way it is. I know it's probably not styled correctly, but I feel comfortable how I look now. It took me years to feel OK about how I look. Do I really have to get it done to fix this? I will if I have too.

 

Then ignore him. It probably needs a cut from time to time though? So his present would be still useful

[Emilia]

Ouch. But I really just like myself the way I am. I have no interest in that stuff anymore.

 

So why are you upset by his present?

[Emilia]

I also think you should adjust your vision of your childhood in some manner. You need to learn to move on (and I say this as someone who also came from an abusive home). For example, blaming your mother for not teaching you to do your hair/nails/dress etc. I don't know anyone whose mother taught them these things (and my mother was a hairdresser and not the abusive parent). Girls learned that from reading magazines or experimenting with it in their teens. This is, again, focusing a blame on someone or something that is not actually the source of the problem, and this is easy to do when you come from a home where you were constantly a victim. Being a victim of domestic home abuse will always be a part of you, but it is not "you" and "you" are not the same person anymore. You are an adult with permission to overcome and grow from the situation. The longer you let your past hold you back, the longer it will take for you to grow from it.

 

Excellent post

[bean1]

A man is a man. As far as a man is concerned, a haircut every few weeks is just general maintenance to keep things from going wild. A man would never get a woman a haircut to imply anything about their looks, it's simply a logical choice (as they assume women get a hair trim every 6-8 weeks like it is preached to us although we don't always follow that rule). So again, this is a situation where you are turning yourself into some sort of victim ("Oh my god, is he saying "X" about me? Is it ugly? Unstylish? He doesn't like me for how I look?) when it's just a logical gift.

[Janesays]

So why are you upset by his present?

 

 

I'm upset that I was initially rude and offended by his present and it hurt his feelings. Perhaps I worded my OP wrong?

[Emilia]

I'm upset that I was initially rude and offended by his present and it hurt his feelings. Perhaps I worded my OP wrong?

 

I had the impression you were upset by his perceived criticism of you because of past issues.

 

Just apologise, tell him this time of the year is difficult for you and that it has taken you a long time to build up your self-esteem after the abuse.

 

I can't imagine he is particularly mad or upset by your argument unless you had a full on shouting match. I'm sure his shoulders are broader than that.

[Janesays]

I had the impression you were upset by his perceived criticism of you because of past issues.

 

Just apologise, tell him this time of the year is difficult for you and that it has taken you a long time to build up your self-esteem after the abuse.

 

I can't imagine he is particularly mad or upset by your argument unless you had a full on shouting match. I'm sure his shoulders are broader than that.

 

No, I gave all that background to explain why I initially reacted the way I did.

 

And I did apologize and told him all this stuff and like I said, he came to the solution that he wouldn't buy me presents anymore so I didn't misunderstand his intent. So I get the feeling that his feelings are still hurt.

[Emilia]

No, I gave all that background to explain why I initially reacted the way I did.

 

And I did apologize and told him all this stuff and like I said, he came to the solution that he wouldn't buy me presents anymore so I didn't misunderstand his intent. So I get the feeling that his feelings are still hurt.

 

He probably just needs time to process it that's all. Like you said he comes from a stable background. Did you get really emotional with him?

[Janesays]

I got a little emotional, but I didn't yell at him or anything.

[thatone]

Ouch. But I really just like myself the way I am. I have no interest in that stuff anymore.

 

are you sure? have you ever tried the alternative?

 

i can think of a lot of possible issues that would make changing uncomfortable, but it might be worth trying.

 

this isn't specific to women, btw. look at all of the badly dressed/groomed men in their mid to late 20s out there. i was one in my early 20s, but grew up. if you dress nicely people think better of you, that's just a simple fact.

[FitChick]

Some people like to play the victim and be a martyr. They live in the past because it's familiar, not because it's productive. "Oh, I don't want a piece of cake, I'll be just fine with my little bowl of gruel." "No, don't give up your seat on the bus for me. I'll just run along side." "I'm fine just the way I am, really. Really!" Are they hoping to make others feel guilty?

 

My mother was abusive and didn't show me how to fix my hair or makeup either. I taught myself.

[gaius]

Socks and a haircut? He sounds more like your grandmother then your boyfriend.

 

Unless he just got you some generic gift certif for a trip to the salon then I don't think you were terribly overreacting. Your issues aside, it does seem like he gave you a gift that he wanted you to have, not something you would enjoy. If my girlfriend got me an unsolicited haircut I would take it the same way you did, that she didn't like my hair.

[Tybalt]

My mother is disabled and has never been one for hair, makeup, or clothing advice. I grew up wearing boy's clothes, riding bmx bikes and skateboards. In my early 20's a friend took me under her wing and helped me to learn to "be a girl," and I've learned through experiment and friends ever since.

 

I think if you are truly content with the way you present yourself, great. Personally, I always feel there is more to do to optimize myself. It makes me feel good and like I'm being the best I can be. I think it boils down to values and what we prioritize. I fully respect that these 'surface qualities' of appearance may not be important to you. However, the fact that you connect the abusive situation to your lack of education in ways womanly is noteworthy... Seems like there's a lot more to delve into than haircuts or makeup. I'm all for getting to the heart of things and working to heal, especially when past trauma interferes with present relationships.

[Janesays]

Oh man! You guys too? Jeez, why does everyone want to pretty me up?

 

1. First of all, I work with animals for a living. I am not about to spends lots of money on fusionable clothes that will end up covered in hair, drool, and witty bitty teeth holes.

 

2. Jewelry or silly shoes would make my job unsafe.

 

3. In the morning, I wake up, take my fogs to potty, feed them, dress, brush my teeth, deodorant, quick brush and make myself a cup of coffee. The entire process takes TWELVE MINUTES. I think that's fabulous. I get tons of extra sleep that I wouldn't if I was up slathering my face with nonsense or fiddling with a curling iron.

 

4. I'm financially well off. I like to think it's because I don't spend my money on silly stuff.

 

5. I have dark auburn hair, pale white skin, and blue eyes. (Not unlike my avatar) i'm also a mere 5 foot tall with a d cup, 26 inch waist and ghetto booty. On top of THAT, I have TINY size 4 feet. Meaning? I attract every weirdo creep with every creepy fetish there ever was. The LAST thing I was to do is glam myself up so yet another freak who likes my pale skin "because it reminds him of dead bodies" can zero in on me at a party.

 

6. I really am a shy person. I don't like a lot of attention, so I dress down. Every time I dress up, people stare and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

7. And lastly, I really feel like if my boyfriend likes the pretty girly type, he should date that instead of trying to make me into something i'm not. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin even if it's not societies definition of attractive.

[Janesays]

Sorry about the typos in the last post, I was typing on my phone. Hopefully, it's not too confusing.

[Emilia]

Oh man! You guys too? Jeez, why does everyone want to pretty me up?

 

1. First of all, I work with animals for a living. I am not about to spends lots of money on fusionable clothes that will end up covered in hair, drool, and witty bitty teeth holes.

 

2. Jewelry or silly shoes would make my job unsafe.

 

3. In the morning, I wake up, take my fogs to potty, feed them, dress, brush my teeth, deodorant, quick brush and make myself a cup of coffee. The entire process takes TWELVE MINUTES. I think that's fabulous. I get tons of extra sleep that I wouldn't if I was up slathering my face with nonsense or fiddling with a curling iron.

 

4. I'm financially well off. I like to think it's because I don't spend my money on silly stuff.

 

5. I have dark auburn hair, pale white skin, and blue eyes. (Not unlike my avatar) i'm also a mere 5 foot tall with a d cup, 26 inch waist and ghetto booty. On top of THAT, I have TINY size 4 feet. Meaning? I attract every weirdo creep with every creepy fetish there ever was. The LAST thing I was to do is glam myself up so yet another freak who likes my pale skin "because it reminds him of dead bodies" can zero in on me at a party.

 

6. I really am a shy person. I don't like a lot of attention, so I dress down. Every time I dress up, people stare and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

7. And lastly, I really feel like if my boyfriend likes the pretty girly type, he should date that instead of trying to make me into something i'm not. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin even if it's not societies definition of attractive.

 

I think most guys would like the way you look and I can completely understand why you dislike unwanted attention. I fully agree with point 4, I think many would regardless of gender.

 

You must look very natural and that's usually society's definition of attractive to be honest regardless of what magazines try to sell you. Maybe your boyfriend just wanted you to have a more modern look or something, it's really hard to guess that without a picture (not saying you should post one).

[Janesays]

If anyone can tell me how to blur my face, i'll post a pic of my stupid hair.

[bean1]

You have gone from a haircut to thinking that he wants to make you into something you are not.

 

Look, I know depression is irrational. I had severe postnatal depression myself, I sympathize.

 

But logically, most people get haircuts every few months as regular maintenance. Logically, a man might ask another woman for gift advice and "a day at the spa" is a common answer from other women. A man may think "oh, I'll buy her a haircut so that she won't have to spend the money herself because she'll get one anyways in the near future". Men have to cut their hair every few weeks, haircuts on a frequent basis make sense to them.

 

But you have gone from what is intended to just be a practical/thoughtful gift into him trying to change you into the "pretty girl" you think you aren't. So unless he has some sort of secret agenda that you haven't told us about, you are really making up all sorts of negative plots in your own mind rather than basing it in any sort of reality.

 

You are your own enemy here and truthfully, if you don't actively work to overcome this, you will drive him away. Nobody wants to walk on egg shells with someone and nobody wants good intentions shot down, and no man likes to do good things for a girl and have it thrown back in their face.