LittleTiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Oh yeah, you've got to love it. I'm going to ask the ladies to define the difference between sex in a short term relationship and casual sex. Easy one to answer - casual sex is when you don't expect, or even hope for, a follow up text or phone call the next day!
Emilia Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 ive been the other person, the wait for sex one, and ive been criticised for that too. i dont care anymore. i got cheated on in a very long term r/ship (6yrs) and when i actively make the decision to sleep with these guys his face flashes through my mind. i mean, im drunk at the time. but whatever. life's screwed me over so much when i was a well behaved nice person, i figure why not go the other way? is it going to get worse, really? i doubt it. You should do what you want to do and not worry about what others are saying. If you want advice that's a good thing but everyone is allowed to live the life they want to live. I think you need to lay off the booze for a while though. It can make you feel depressed and I don't think you are in a good place right now.
Author louise_23 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 You should do what you want to do and not worry about what others are saying. If you want advice that's a good thing but everyone is allowed to live the life they want to live. I think you need to lay off the booze for a while though. It can make you feel depressed and I don't think you are in a good place right now. wholeheartedly agree with you. x2.
Emilia Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Easy one to answer - casual sex is when you don't expect, or even hope for, a follow up text or phone call the next day! People don't necessarily call the day after sex when they have just started seeing someone. Some people don't contact the person they date on a daily basis.
Author louise_23 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Easy one to answer - casual sex is when you don't expect, or even hope for, a follow up text or phone call the next day! oh i do agree, but i dont understand the "oh have my number whats yours blah blah" shpeel. especially when initially i was resigned to the fact it was a one night stand and i just wanted to get away. why do the whole other charade?
LittleTiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 angst?! its irked me a bit but im not typing lyrics from nirvana songs here. angst! how dramatic You posted on a public message board whether or not to send a text to guy you had a ONS with - you've obviously being chewing it over quite a bit. Perhaps 'angst' is a little over the top but I was just making a point. Really, if you can't decide for yourself whether to text someone after a sexual encounter then you really shouldn't be having sexual encounters of this sort. I agree with completely with Emilia on this. You should be doing whatever you want to do and forget what anyone else says - and that includes making your mind up about texting a sexual partner. You had two replies to your first post, both saying the ball was in his court and to leave well alone, but you texted him anyway - sounds to me as though you were a little more than 'irked'. If you want casual sex, go for it - and deal with the emotions, and the games, that go with it - because that's what it is - a game. If you want to wait for a relationship - then wait. It's your body and nobody can tell you what to do with it. I'm guessing you're pretty young and sometimes I think LS threads can have a way of 'coercing' youngsters into doing things they're really not sure are right for them. JMO.
LittleTiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 People don't necessarily call the day after sex when they have just started seeing someone. Some people don't contact the person they date on a daily basis. If I had sex with a guy and he didn't call the next day - there's no possibility of a relationship with him at any time in the future as far as I'm concerned. Not gentlemanly enough in my book. Besides which, I've never met a woman who didn't at least hope for a call the day after sex with a new guy she's seeing. We've had many threads on here along the lines of 'I slept with him last night and he didn't call - does he like me or was he using me?' There is a qualitative difference between casual sex and short term relationship sex - and it's all to do with expectation. With casual sex you definitely don't expect to hear from the person again - if you do, it's either a nice surprise or an 'OMG how do I get out of this one'!
Author louise_23 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 You posted on a public message board whether or not to send a text to guy you had a ONS with - you've obviously being chewing it over quite a bit. Perhaps 'angst' is a little over the top but I was just making a point. Really, if you can't decide for yourself whether to text someone after a sexual encounter then you really shouldn't be having sexual encounters of this sort. I agree with completely with Emilia on this. You should be doing whatever you want to do and forget what anyone else says - and that includes making your mind up about texting a sexual partner. You had two replies to your first post, both saying the ball was in his court and to leave well alone, but you texted him anyway - sounds to me as though you were a little more than 'irked'. If you want casual sex, go for it - and deal with the emotions, and the games, that go with it - because that's what it is - a game. If you want to wait for a relationship - then wait. It's your body and nobody can tell you what to do with it. I'm guessing you're pretty young and sometimes I think LS threads can have a way of 'coercing' youngsters into doing things they're really not sure are right for them. JMO. dont get me wrong, i was totally in agreement with the original 2 replies. i then went and took the opinion of 2 good (real-worldly) friends, who said i should get in touch, their opinion was nothing ventured, nothing gained. and theyd also met this guy. anyway, the 'games' i didnt realise were part and parcel of such encounters. i really dont see the point at all. like i said, i originally wanted out of there. HE asked ME to stick around. i dont understand stupid b.s. like that. by the by, in response to "if you can't decide for yourself" wtf is this forum for if not seeking advice/opinions? im 24 by the way, id not call that young. oh and i find your manner a bit condescending. JMO.
LittleTiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 oh i do agree, but i dont understand the "oh have my number whats yours blah blah" shpeel. especially when initially i was resigned to the fact it was a one night stand and i just wanted to get away. why do the whole other charade? It's a game louise! The guy wants to get you into bed. He succeeds but thinks he should probably carry on with the game since you're still there in the morning - it doesn't matter whose decision that was. He's probably a decent guy or just concerned about getting out of the situation as painlessly as possible. Hence the pleasantries and exchange of numbers. I had a FWB a few years ago. We were very physically attracted to each other and we got along well enough to have nights out at restaurants before we got down to business, but we weren't compatible in terms of a relationship and neither of us wanted more than sex. There was no question of exclusivity on either side and no contact unless we wanted to get together. Even so, there was an occasion when we had spent the night together and we were considering a second night as we were both still in the same town. An old 'flame' of his turned up unexpectedly and she was only in town for one night. He hadn't seen her for years and quite clearly wanted to spend that night with her. That wasn't a problem for me since our plans had been tentative, we weren't emotionally involved and it was easy enough for me to make other plans BUT he came up with the most ridiculously transparent lie because he didn't know how to 'break the news' to me. That's just men for you - not all of them, of course, but a lot of them. If they feel uncomfortable, guilty, embarrassed or just out of their depth, they will behave according to some silly 'rules of decency' which either come from old fashioned beliefs about relationships or which they have just invented themselves. It gets them out of a 'tight spot' with the minimum of fuss. Don't get me wrong here, I love men, but they're not perfect. Most of them are very decent guys. They want what they want, but they don't want to hurt women in the process. It's not easy for them. Not easy for us either of course!
Author louise_23 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 It's a game louise! The guy wants to get you into bed. He succeeds but thinks he should probably carry on with the game since you're still there in the morning - it doesn't matter whose decision that was. He's probably a decent guy or just concerned about getting out of the situation as painlessly as possible. Hence the pleasantries and exchange of numbers. I had a FWB a few years ago. We were very physically attracted to each other and we got along well enough to have nights out at restaurants before we got down to business, but we weren't compatible in terms of a relationship and neither of us wanted more than sex. There was no question of exclusivity on either side and no contact unless we wanted to get together. Even so, there was an occasion when we had spent the night together and we were considering a second night as we were both still in the same town. An old 'flame' of his turned up unexpectedly and she was only in town for one night. He hadn't seen her for years and quite clearly wanted to spend that night with her. That wasn't a problem for me since our plans had been tentative, we weren't emotionally involved and it was easy enough for me to make other plans BUT he came up with the most ridiculously transparent lie because he didn't know how to 'break the news' to me. That's just men for you - not all of them, of course, but a lot of them. If they feel uncomfortable, guilty, embarrassed or just out of their depth, they will behave according to some silly 'rules of decency' which either come from old fashioned beliefs about relationships or which they have just invented themselves. It gets them out of a 'tight spot' with the minimum of fuss. Don't get me wrong here, I love men, but they're not perfect. Most of them are very decent guys. They want what they want, but they don't want to hurt women in the process. It's not easy for them. Not easy for us either of course! good post. its just silly to lie. but i do see what you mean definitely. i hadnt thought about it like that. ill stick to playing solitaire.
LittleTiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 dont get me wrong, i was totally in agreement with the original 2 replies. i then went and took the opinion of 2 good (real-worldly) friends, who said i should get in touch, their opinion was nothing ventured, nothing gained. and theyd also met this guy. anyway, the 'games' i didnt realise were part and parcel of such encounters. i really dont see the point at all. like i said, i originally wanted out of there. HE asked ME to stick around. i dont understand stupid b.s. like that. by the by, in response to "if you can't decide for yourself" wtf is this forum for if not seeking advice/opinions? im 24 by the way, id not call that young. oh and i find your manner a bit condescending. JMO. Louise, I apologise if I come accross as condescending. That isn't my intention. I'm just someone who is a good deal older than you are who probably knows a bit more about the ways of men. If I was asking for advice I would prefer to take it off someone who has been there, done that and worn the t-shirt - but obviously that's your choice. I'm sorry, that paragraph probably sounds condescending to you too Re the 'if you can't decide for yourself', I think that applies to a lot of questions asked in the dating section of LS. I probably shouldn't have singled you out, so I apologise for that. Some daters on LS do seem to get themselves into situations they are not equipped to handle, which really concerns me. However, we all have to make our own mistakes I guess - it's the only way to learn. NB: Solitaire isn't anywhere near as much fun as sex - although the rules are easier to understand!
Cypress25 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I find this rather curious. Two of the top threads right now are.... one about women making their BFs wait for sex "until it's right" and another thread about some chick getting drunk and hopping into bed with a completely random dude.... And then all her E-Girlfriends giving advice from their own or their friends experiences... Curious...? Curious about what? Different people do different things. Oh yeah, you've got to love it. I'm going to ask the ladies to define the difference between sex in a short term relationship and casual sex. I can't speak for the other ladies, but personally, I don't have sex in short-term relationships. I only have sex in long-term relationships, so I don't have to wonder if the guy is going to call the next day. If we're having sex, then he's already been my boyfriend for awhile; no uncertainty there.
mtber75 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 i hate this kind of post but i need some advice!!! right. well. i went out sat night and happened to meet someone. which i already learned was a terrible idea a while ago, but apparently, after too many shots, it all went out the window. anyway, we ended up sleeping together at his and yeah, terrible i know. however, this guys behavior in the morning has kinda confused me. i mean, i know one night stands generally dont go any further, and i wasnt going to pressure the guy into being all gentlemanly, id have gladly beaten a hasty, yet shameful, retreat. however, he got me to wait for him so he could come with me into town to pick my car up (about 20 minute walk)asked me if i wanted to get something to eat (i declined because i felt really sick) however i say id wait for him to get something and then give him a lift back. which i did. we got on quite well, and he asked for my number and gave me his, and said that he wasnt doing anything later & he'd text...which he didnt. now, im really not into being desperate/ needy and whatever else. and im not into getting my fingers burned either. but why do all that if you werent really interested? one thing thats got me reading into this is...hes only lived here a few weeks and lived here briefly last year...he mentioned another girl that was out the same night as us, and something about her ''harassing'' him. he met her last year when he was here, and apparently she was hanging around near us but i didnt notice. anyway, according to him he never did anything to give her the impression they were an item but that she'd been texting him that night and throughout the week. now, i was kind of drunk so its not a word perfect quote but it just made me wonder... thoughts??? from a dude's prospective and experience....He was probably just as drunk or ashamed as you were. That's why he was acting all nice the next day. Actually its a good idea that you call/text him up because he may be too ashamed to call you first? But don't push it. Just one call will do! If his genuine, he'll return your call.
laotzu Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It's a game louise! The guy wants to get you into bed. He succeeds but thinks he should probably carry on with the game since you're still there in the morning - it doesn't matter whose decision that was. He's probably a decent guy or just concerned about getting out of the situation as painlessly as possible. Hence the pleasantries and exchange of numbers. This, 100%. I've done it a few times now. Do you really think he's going to sleep with you and be a jerk in the morning? There's some part of him - even as he's watching you drive away - that's thinking he might actually want to date you. By 1:00pm that afternoon, he's worried you're going to call or text him. Maybe the next day, he considers calling or texting you because he would like to have sex again... but he worries about a relationship, and he resists. That internal dynamic might go on for a while, and you could snag him by contacting him at the right time, but overall this is a guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship. Most guys who can snag a ONS (or a 3rd date sleepover) don't want a relationship unless the girl is high-market-value, because he can obtain sex with a little work from Random Bar Girl who gives him the twice-look.
Author louise_23 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) from a dude's prospective and experience....He was probably just as drunk or ashamed as you were. That's why he was acting all nice the next day. Actually its a good idea that you call/text him up because he may be too ashamed to call you first? But don't push it. Just one call will do! If his genuine, he'll return your call. i did text him, he responded to the first, when i replied to that he stopped. so i left it after that. This, 100%. I've done it a few times now. Do you really think he's going to sleep with you and be a jerk in the morning? There's some part of him - even as he's watching you drive away - that's thinking he might actually want to date you. By 1:00pm that afternoon, he's worried you're going to call or text him. Maybe the next day, he considers calling or texting you because he would like to have sex again... but he worries about a relationship, and he resists. That internal dynamic might go on for a while, and you could snag him by contacting him at the right time, but overall this is a guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship. Most guys who can snag a ONS (or a 3rd date sleepover) don't want a relationship unless the girl is high-market-value, because he can obtain sex with a little work from Random Bar Girl who gives him the twice-look. the jerk thing...ive done this scenario one other time...and the guy was just a vile person. good looking, but so not worth it. we sort of had an argument in the morning about where my clothes were lol. oh regret! i wasnt expecting much out of the recent experience BECAUSE of this first ONS. but the first one and second were completely poles apart, mainly because of the guys attitudes. i do get guys that do this arent looking for a relationship, but whyyyyy still insist on spending more time with me than is necessary, doing the number exchange (i was going to leave without doing that but he insisted, again) and everything? i really hadnt been thinking with emotion until he spend an extra unnecessary few hours talking to me and doing the pleasantries etc. i guess im never going to understand it. id have rather been treated like crap in some respects, at least it leaves you certain of where you stand. ive just remembered something....why on earth did he ask my surname and where i lived???? better check ive still got my drivers license, aside from stealing my identity i dont think theres any other reason this dude would want this stuff lol. is there a guy reading this thats done this before??explain! Edited January 19, 2012 by louise_23 oh yeah
make me believe Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 You are thinking about this WAY too much. There are a lot of guys who will hang out the next morning, maybe even most of the next day, or take you to breakfast, exchange numbers, etc after a one night stand even if they have no intent of seeing you again. I think they do it because it's polite to at least exchange pleasantries and maybe a couple hours of sober hanging out time with the person you drunkenly banged the night before. Or because they are inexperienced at one night stands and don't know how to wrap things up in a timely way without being rude. Or maybe he was hoping for some post-breakfast sex. WHO KNOWS? And, really, does it matter?? You know he doesn't want anything further with you because he didn't contact you first and he stopped responding to your texts. That's all you need to know. Honestly, if you're going to try to analyze everything he said and insist on explanations for his behavior, I don't think you are cut out for one night stands or casual hookups. He was just being polite, making conversation, blah blah. Let it go.
Author louise_23 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 You are thinking about this WAY too much. There are a lot of guys who will hang out the next morning, maybe even most of the next day, or take you to breakfast, exchange numbers, etc after a one night stand even if they have no intent of seeing you again. I think they do it because it's polite to at least exchange pleasantries and maybe a couple hours of sober hanging out time with the person you drunkenly banged the night before. Or because they are inexperienced at one night stands and don't know how to wrap things up in a timely way without being rude. Or maybe he was hoping for some post-breakfast sex. WHO KNOWS? And, really, does it matter?? You know he doesn't want anything further with you because he didn't contact you first and he stopped responding to your texts. That's all you need to know. Honestly, if you're going to try to analyze everything he said and insist on explanations for his behavior, I don't think you are cut out for one night stands or casual hookups. He was just being polite, making conversation, blah blah. Let it go. yeah im letting it go...the whole experience is just unnecessarily ridiculous though. i find the added-in complications the most confusing, dumb b.s. ever. i prefer my retreat without food and conversation if im honest. i dont see the point of complicating stuff that wasnt complicated. i guess i never will. on the one night stand subject...im not really a fan of them anyway, it was mainly a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong levels of alcohol in my bloodstream. think ill behave myself for a while.
Elisa89 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 ive just remembered something....why on earth did he ask my surname and where i lived???? better check ive still got my drivers license, aside from stealing my identity i dont think theres any other reason this dude would want this stuff lol. I'll share with you some of the conversation I had with the last guy I had a ONS with. He asked me what my parents did for a living, where I grew up, where I lived now and what my room looked like in detail. He told me about holidays he planned with his brother indicating exact places and dates. We had a discussion about which physical features of us we'd like our children to have, what our favourite baby names would be. He told me a lot about himself and asked me a lot of question about me. Maybe I should call him and ask him to marry me because we had such topics of conversation in the morning. What I'm trying to say is, it does not mean anything at all. But I agree with you, it would be better to not pretend you want to see someone again. I thought the conversation was pleasant, the 'let's meet again' that he didn't follow through with, was totally unnecessary. Conclusion: Move on!
Author louise_23 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 I'll share with you some of the conversation I had with the last guy I had a ONS with. He asked me what my parents did for a living, where I grew up, where I lived now and what my room looked like in detail. He told me about holidays he planned with his brother indicating exact places and dates. We had a discussion about which physical features of us we'd like our children to have, what our favourite baby names would be. He told me a lot about himself and asked me a lot of question about me. Maybe I should call him and ask him to marry me because we had such topics of conversation in the morning. What I'm trying to say is, it does not mean anything at all. But I agree with you, it would be better to not pretend you want to see someone again. I thought the conversation was pleasant, the 'let's meet again' that he didn't follow through with, was totally unnecessary. Conclusion: Move on! yeah im gonna. dont mistake me, i never expected wonders from this man. he didnt light up my world or anything. like you say, the pleasantries, fine. the b.s., completely unnecessary. another bend in the learning curve i guess
mitchell Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Did you have sex again with him in the morning? I ask because this tends to raise the bar a bit. No excuses about alcohol, etc... Just two people who want to have sex. Some relationships do start this way.
Author louise_23 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Did you have sex again with him in the morning? I ask because this tends to raise the bar a bit. No excuses about alcohol, etc... Just two people who want to have sex. Some relationships do start this way. no. he pulled me in closer to him at one point but there was no way i was having sex feeling that hungover. he didnt really try though, it was just a contact thing i think.
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