livelife Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 This guy and I met in October and he liked me right off the bat. He would blow up my phone so I wasnt too interested. We have a mutual friend that is gf of his best friend and she told him that he needed to calm it down and he did. Around New Years she told him that and about a week after he took me out on a date and paid for everything. We would hang out and one night when we were drinking he said, "heres to being more than friends in the future" Then a couple days after that he just randomly called it off saying he didnt want a relationship. I told him I didn't want one either. He has contacted me since then and tonight we talked and he told me that he didnt want me to think he just stopped liking me. I told him that I thought that he thought that I wanted to commit and he said yeah that was right. He then goes, "I still want to hang out with you among other thingss" What does he mean by that? If he means friends with benefits there is no way that is happening and how do I change his mind on that? Eventually, yes I will want to start dating him but not if he is going to view me like that.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 But you told him you didn't want a relationship(?). When a girl states she's not looking for anything serious, that automatically translates to " sex without attachment" in guy speak. This guy does not know what he wants, but he is aware he is sexually attracted to you ( attraction for guys always means they want to eventually sleep with you). Until he wants a relationship, you keep to your stance of not ending up in bed with him. Move on, date other people.
Author livelife Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 But you told him you didn't want a relationship(?). When a girl states she's not looking for anything serious, that automatically translates to " sex without attachment" in guy speak. This guy does not know what he wants, but he is aware he is sexually attracted to you ( attraction for guys always means they want to eventually sleep with you). Until he wants a relationship, you keep to your stance of not ending up in bed with him. Move on, date other people. I agree- which is upsetting because that makes me feel so degrading. I'm not gonna give him what he wants and if he likes me enough he will eventually want to commit. Do you think that the next time I see him and he tries to kiss me I set it straight with him that I'm not going to just be a hookup to him?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I agree- which is upsetting because that makes me feel so degrading. I'm not gonna give him what he wants and if he likes me enough he will eventually want to commit. Do you think that the next time I see him and he tries to kiss me I set it straight with him that I'm not going to just be a hookup to him? I don't think you need to feel degraded- you just need to figure out what it is you want as well. You have the classic push- pull syndrome, when he was coming on strong, you hadn't wanted him, but when he has backed off, you're considering a relationship. Admit that you do want a relationship, just not necessarily with him. It is nice to recieve the occasional attention from guys but it can also be emotionally draining if you encourage bad behaviour. Accept that he's not looking for a relationship, TELL HIM you accept his offer for a friendship, and then, move on. It will do you good to stay away from people who says one thing then does another.
Author livelife Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 I don't think you need to feel degraded- you just need to figure out what it is you want as well. You have the classic push- pull syndrome, when he was coming on strong, you hadn't wanted him, but when he has backed off, you're considering a relationship. Admit that you do want a relationship, just not necessarily with him. It is nice to recieve the occasional attention from guys but it can also be emotionally draining if you encourage bad behaviour. Accept that he's not looking for a relationship, TELL HIM you accept his offer for a friendship, and then, move on. It will do you good to stay away from people who says one thing then does another. That is very helpful. I will tell him that I will be friends with him, but that is it. I don't want to get messed with and waste my time if its not going to change. Thank you very much for your advice I appreciate it!
TheFinalWord Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 This guy and I met in October and he liked me right off the bat. He would blow up my phone so I wasnt too interested. We have a mutual friend that is gf of his best friend and she told him that he needed to calm it down and he did. Around New Years she told him that and about a week after he took me out on a date and paid for everything. We would hang out and one night when we were drinking he said, "heres to being more than friends in the future" Then a couple days after that he just randomly called it off saying he didnt want a relationship. I told him I didn't want one either. He has contacted me since then and tonight we talked and he told me that he didnt want me to think he just stopped liking me. I told him that I thought that he thought that I wanted to commit and he said yeah that was right. He then goes, "I still want to hang out with you among other thingss" What does he mean by that? If he means friends with benefits there is no way that is happening and how do I change his mind on that? Eventually, yes I will want to start dating him but not if he is going to view me like that. I don't think it means FWB. The whole scenario sounds like a lot of needless drama. You don't like him, then you go on a date (which suggests you are interested), then you don't, now eventually you might. I think he has his mind made up he likes you; you're the one that sounds indecisive IMHO. I would recommend making up your mind whether you want to give him a chance or not. He's trying his method of chasing you, but doesn't want to push you away in doing so. He probably likes you but doesn't know the right way to go about it; he's inexperienced. Figure out what you want; and then reinforce his actions. Good luck!
Author livelife Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 I don't think it means FWB. The whole scenario sounds like a lot of needless drama. You don't like him, then you go on a date (which suggests you are interested), then you don't, now eventually you might. I think he has his mind made up he likes you; you're the one that sounds indecisive IMHO. I would recommend making up your mind whether you want to give him a chance or not. He's trying his method of chasing you, but doesn't want to push you away in doing so. He probably likes you but doesn't know the right way to go about it; he's inexperienced. Figure out what you want; and then reinforce his actions. Good luck! Okay yes this is what I thought too. Maybe that he meant that among other things like, "putting the past behind us." I think I'm going to just see how he is next time we hang out and if he is pushy then that is what he wants, if not then maybe he does want to get to know me. But- in the end he did say the other day that he didnt want a relationship. Do you think he meant at the moment and might in the future? or just overall. Because I eventually will want one if things go right.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I don't blame him for wanting FWB since you're the one that wanted to play around when he wasn't that interested, and then since he isn't interested you wanted his attention, yet you think you want to date the guy even though you know you ultimately didn't want to be with him. You're using him for the attention and he would be using you for the sex, neither of you are genuine at the least he's been somewhat honest.
kaylan Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 ^This. What do you expect OP? You obviously do not like this guy. When someone likes someone else, they dont go back and forth like you are. Thats why this guy decided to see you as just a FWB. What do you expect him to do? When he did see you as something more, you kept him at bay. Now you only seem to like him when hes started to pull away. His reaction seems pretty much how things go with people. If I like a girl and am attracted to her, but then shes all wishy washy about her feelings...then Im gonna only see her as a FWB type, because shes shown me I cannot trust her feelings. Its how people protects themselves. Why become invested in someone or chase someone who cant decide how they feel about you? You need to be smart and see this situation for what it is. You dont like him, and only kinda do now because of the chase involved. Its happened to me. Just this summer I had to back off an ex co worker of mine because I knew I only started liking her more because she started ignoring me. She has always liked me, and though Im attracted to her, I dont see long term potential. Once she backed off something clicked in my head and I started to chase her. I stopped though after a little while because Im not gonna lead a girl on. Know thyself OP
Author livelife Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 ^This. What do you expect OP? You obviously do not like this guy. When someone likes someone else, they dont go back and forth like you are. Thats why this guy decided to see you as just a FWB. What do you expect him to do? When he did see you as something more, you kept him at bay. Now you only seem to like him when hes started to pull away. His reaction seems pretty much how things go with people. If I like a girl and am attracted to her, but then shes all wishy washy about her feelings...then Im gonna only see her as a FWB type, because shes shown me I cannot trust her feelings. Its how people protects themselves. Why become invested in someone or chase someone who cant decide how they feel about you? You need to be smart and see this situation for what it is. You dont like him, and only kinda do now because of the chase involved. Its happened to me. Just this summer I had to back off an ex co worker of mine because I knew I only started liking her more because she started ignoring me. She has always liked me, and though Im attracted to her, I dont see long term potential. Once she backed off something clicked in my head and I started to chase her. I stopped though after a little while because Im not gonna lead a girl on. Know thyself OP No, its not that I don't like him. .Yes I like him now, Yes I liked him before. I just was getting to know him better and I enjoyed his company I enjoyed talking to him. If I don't like a guy from the start, they would know. I don't lead guys on, I dont go out on dates with a guy if I don't like him. Maybe I have been unclear to him and I need to set it straight with him how I feel/what I want. Besides, he has been wishy washy with me as well.
TheFinalWord Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Okay yes this is what I thought too. Maybe that he meant that among other things like, "putting the past behind us." I think I'm going to just see how he is next time we hang out and if he is pushy then that is what he wants, if not then maybe he does want to get to know me. But- in the end he did say the other day that he didnt want a relationship. Do you think he meant at the moment and might in the future? or just overall. Because I eventually will want one if things go right. It's hard for me to say b/c I don't have all of the information. But I think he is just matching what he thinks you want. You said you don't want one so he's going along with that and hoping maybe you'll change your mind. Or he could just think all of the back and forth isn't worth his time. Just tell him what you want. Then you'll have your answer If you can't think of what you want, there is no way he's going to be able to figure it out Good luck.
Cypress25 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 he did say the other day that he didnt want a relationship. Do you think he meant at the moment and might in the future? or just overall. Because I eventually will want one if things go right. When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, it means "I don't want a relationship with you, ever. Not now, not in the future, not ever." It does NOT mean "I don't want a relationship with you right now, but I might in the future." Don't fool yourself into thinking it will change. He has already made himself clear. He will NEVER want a relationship with you. Since you do want a relationship eventually, this guy is not for you. He'll never give you what you want. Guys who want future relationships don't go around announcing that they don't want relationships.
ascendotum Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 What does he mean by that? If he means friends with benefits there is no way that is happening and how do I change his mind on that? Eventually, yes I will want to start dating him but not if he is going to view me like that. Reading between the lines of what you said, I reckon its a pretty good bet that he is very open to a fwb. What do you mean by eventually?? I guess you have your reasons why you cannot be in a relationship with him now, but I think you need to let him know what they are and when you intend to date him. There's a stack of posts on LS from guys moaning about not being seen as anything more than a friend by the girls they like (and never getting any further and watch from the sidelines as she'll jump into a relationship/bed with some guy she just met), and also from more experienced guys advising guys to never end up in the friendzone.
FitChick Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Tell him you want to be a platonic friend and get to know him better. If you two get along and have chemistry, you'd be open to dating with a view to having a relationship.
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