Cabin Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Hi there, Not sure how many current posters on here are involved with a married AP (it seems most voices on this forum are BS or BOWs...), but I thought I'd share a quick update for those who might be interested. My AP and his W have begun a very nasty legal battle since he told her that he intends to leave and seek shared custody. My STBXH now knows about AP, and yet he and I have been able to work together, have some heart to hearts about our relationship and what was missing, and carry on with a plan of care for our child that is best for her and encourages her to have both her parents in her life. This might be a bit of a generalization, but seeing what I'm seeing through this situation, it seems men are able to handle situations like this with more dignity and composure than women. Women do tend to go off the deep end... As some of you know, my AP and I did work together, but I was able to move within the organization so that will no longer be a problem for us. When I began posting on here, I got some support (and thank you for it) but I also was told a lot of crap. The truth is, all relationships are unique as are the people in them. Most of the "MM signature moves" I have read on here simply didn't apply to me. Are there trends/patterns that emerge when you look at affairs? Yes. But so are there for every type of relationship. If you find yourself involved with a married AP, I guess the best advice I can give you is: -Affairs are unsustainable entities... you may think you can stay in A limbo forever, but you can't. Ultimately, choices will have to be made, and the longer you delay making them, the messier and more complicated it can be for everyone. -You'll know in your heart if your AP is sincere about your relationship or not. It's going to be an interesting journey ahead. We are in no rush to be together legitimately. But we are both excited about what is to come. Cabin
Heather1 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Wow Cabin!! I'm glad you posted this, this is the stuff that hardly gets posted. Here's to a new beginning for you!
MissBee Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 If you find yourself involved with a married AP, I guess the best advice I can give you is: -Affairs are unsustainable entities... you may think you can stay in A limbo forever, but you can't. Ultimately, choices will have to be made, and the longer you delay making them, the messier and more complicated it can be for everyone. Cabin I concur! I think that is the gist of what most of the advice here boils down to. Good luck to you.
jsb58 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 *scratches head* I have to wonder why someone that is happy with their outcome comes back to insult the membership.
TigerCub Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Hey Cabin, Glad to hear that things are pretty much out in the open now. Also really nice to see that you and your STBXH are being civil and keeping in mind that your daughter is the priority here. Good luck with everything to you and everyone involved
jsb58 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I didn't see her slinging insults?? (it seems most voices on this forum are BS or BOWs...What is a BOW? I doubt that was meant as a compliment.I also was told a lot of crap. Nor this. Just comes off as an immature nanny, nanny, boo boo to me. Kind of unnecessary, but I don't see a lot of maturity in these kind of relationships anyway.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I didn't see her slinging insults?? (it seems most voices on this forum are BS or BOWs...), but I thought I'd share a quick update for those who might be interested. Hmm not too sure what the B stands for beside OW, but I'm sure most can take a wild guess.. Cabin, wish you the best. Glad that you two are in no rush to blend your families and start life together so quickly. There's going to be A HUGE adjustment period and it'll take a lot of time for life to settle down and be peaceful, especially since children are involved.
awkward Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 My AP and his W have begun a very nasty legal battle since he told her that he intends to leave and seek shared custody. When is he actually going to leave? My STBXH now knows about AP, and yet he and I have been able to work together, have some heart to hearts about our relationship and what was missing, and carry on with a plan of care for our child that is best for her and encourages her to have both her parents in her life. It's good to hear that you've been honest with your STBXH. It's also very nice to hear that you are working together to do what is best for your daughter. Has MM been honest with his wife? Congrats Cabin. You sound strong and seem to know exactly what you want. I'm still a bit worried that MM won't come through for you.
phillyfan Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Dude I aint bein mean wen I say this but...he aint left yet, he aint divorced yet, sounds like he is day 1 of seperatin wit the wife, he aint made no comitment to u, u aint got no way of knowin wat is goin on in his home. Sounds like there aint been nothin 2 write home about yet.
SidLyon Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Hi there, Not sure how many current posters on here are involved with a married AP (it seems most voices on this forum are BS or BOWs...), but I thought I'd share a quick update for those who might be interested. My AP and his W have begun a very nasty legal battle since he told her that he intends to leave and seek shared custody. ... BOW? I'm assuming this means Betrayed OW. If so, I'd hazard a guess that nearly all OW are in fact BOWs, some of them just don't know it yet. Especially if he hasn't actually left or told his wife. Are you saying the legal battle has already begun ie he's engaged lawyers and the wife knows? If so, your sitch is a bit more advanced than some; if not, it's just talk.
woinlove Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I think she meant bitter, not betrayed - at least that is what adding a B meant on this forum when used by others who didn't like others' posts.
donnamaybe Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 -You'll know in your heart if your AP is sincere about your relationship or not.I think you're doing a disservice to people stuck in an A situation who only THINK their AP is sincere. I hardly believe that most OW/OM who are in an A feel their AP is INSINCERE, but we very rarely see a MP leave their M for the OW/OM. I hope everything works out for your R.
Gentlegirl Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Cabin, Nice to read your update and to find that all appears to be moving in the direction you seem to desire. Mostly I have had good support here and some good advice, if nothing else it was a place to express my thoughts and feelings. I did get a lot of bashing at one time. It doesn't seem to be happening as much now as it was a while ago. that is never helpful to somebody who is distressed to begin with. Go well Cabin, and take your time. YOu have a long way to go and it's important to get it right . Cheers, GG
Heather1 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I don't see AP leaving for each other much on this board, but I do see it in real life all the time. My h was freshly separated when I met him & all I got were statistics & told by everyone I had no chance. Even he told me he never wanted to re-marry or ever have kids. That was 23 yrs & 2 kids ago.
Author Cabin Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 *scratches head* I have to wonder why someone that is happy with their outcome comes back to insult the membership. I did not return to insult the membership. But to be honest, when the thought crossed my mind to post this update, the next thought was around the onslaught of mudslinging I have received when I post... and I thought "really, why bother?" ... then I remembered that there are people on LS - active posters and quiet readers - who need to hear stories like mine. I mean no insult.
Author Cabin Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 What is a BOW? I doubt that was meant as a compliment. I actually think many of many of the fOWs who post on here are not unlike the BS... in that they have been or feel they have been betrayed. Hence the B.
TurningTables Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I actually think many of many of the fOWs who post on here are not unlike the BS... in that they have been or feel they have been betrayed. Hence the B. I couldnt agree with the above statement more. Good luck Cabin. I do hope that things work out every once in awhile, but for me, I will never walk down that road again. Ever.
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I actually think many of many of the fOWs who post on here are not unlike the BS... in that they have been or feel they have been betrayed. Hence the B. Cabin, if you are happy then I am happy for you! And it does sound like things are working out for you, or at least, heading in that directions. Congratulations! But you are an educated woman obviously, and if you and your AP actually do forge a future relationship that endures, you do realize that you are the minority, yes? That you and he represent that very rare exit affair? Somewhere around three percent and it is characterized by a plan to exit the marriage and ACTIONS to make that happen? You are both taking ACTION to dissolve your marriages and are hopeful to forge a future together. You MUST see how your relationship differs from the majority posted here: empty promises, lots of future talk, but NO ACTION to make it happen? Tons of excuses. let's have lots of sex, but NO ACTION? You surely did take many a brickbat while posting at LS because you and your lover ARE NOT THE NORM as surely you must realize. I wish you well and know a few couples where exiting the marriage was the very best thing that happened to them. Everyone wished them well because they took decisive ACTION to get out of something that wasn;t working and try everything to be together. Please don't shoot they messengers who do not see this often, either on LS or IRL. Good luck to the both of you.
Tenacity Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) I actually think many of many of the fOWs who post on here are not unlike the BS... in that they have been or feel they have been betrayed. Hence the B. I wish you nothing but the best Cabin. As you said, every situation is different and individual, and no one can predict the outcome. We only have statistics to go by... so that is where we come from. I was in your shoes once, exactly, with my AP in divorce proceedings and promising me the world. I considered myself and our relationship completely beyond this kind of "ending" thing. Long story short, he went back to his wife. Never in a million years would I have put our relationship in that category. We were "different" than everyone else here. We were special, we were different, our relationship wasn't the same as everyone else's. Turns out, a few years later, that we weren't. I do wish you the best, and I hope you have a different outcome than I did. But insist on action. WHEN is he leaving, and how and when will he be with you? What are the plans, very specifically? Is he taking action or only telling you things? WORDS MEAN NOTHING. Actions mean EVERYTHING. Edited January 18, 2012 by Tenacity
MissBee Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) Cabin, if you are happy then I am happy for you! And it does sound like things are working out for you, or at least, heading in that directions. Congratulations! But you are an educated woman obviously, and if you and your AP actually do forge a future relationship that endures, you do realize that you are the minority, yes? That you and he represent that very rare exit affair? Somewhere around three percent and it is characterized by a plan to exit the marriage and ACTIONS to make that happen? You are both taking ACTION to dissolve your marriages and are hopeful to forge a future together. You MUST see how your relationship differs from the majority posted here: empty promises, lots of future talk, but NO ACTION to make it happen? Tons of excuses. let's have lots of sex, but NO ACTION? You surely did take many a brickbat while posting at LS because you and your lover ARE NOT THE NORM as surely you must realize. I wish you well and know a few couples where exiting the marriage was the very best thing that happened to them. Everyone wished them well because they took decisive ACTION to get out of something that wasn;t working and try everything to be together. Please don't shoot they messengers who do not see this often, either on LS or IRL. Good luck to the both of you. Great post! I wish Cabin success, but I find it irksome when people decide to post in a manner that suggests or states outright that: see my situation is working out so there is hope for you and the advice here is unrealistic. I don't get that attitude. As you said, it's necessary to situate your outcome with regard to the broader reality and more common outcomes. My very 1st post here was in response to a thread about whether MP ever leave. I responded that of course it happens but betting on an A is much like betting on the lottery to secure your financial future. Do people win? Yes....do most people? No... most buy the lotto weekly and NEVER win big...and if they do it for years, they've essentially thrown away money that could have been invested and put to better use to actually benefit them. If I won the lottery...I would realize that it was fate or luck and I beat the odds. I would not feel the need to say "See you can win"....of course people can and worse, I would not go on a gambling forum to tell people I won so they should look at my rare outcome against the advice of former gamblers who lost everything....that would be irresponsible. I don't doubt an A can work out...but if you're confident yours will...then you don't need anyone to tell you anything as your own conviction should be good enough. We cannot validate or invalidate truth here. But maybe that is the fear....most are not secure in the situation so cannot afford to hear the reality and feel like what is said here can change their situation. No amount of happy outcomes for OTHER people will change the reality of your situation, if it's not going to/meant to work out. Each person has to be truthful and see the reality based on the facts before them. Reading success stories won't make yours a success...likewise, if it is meant to be, reading the train wrecks won't stop it either. Edited January 18, 2012 by MissBee
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 ((((((((((((((Cabin))))))))))))) congrats to you...in your OP you told it like it is:) I understand where your coming from, why bother posting only to get a bunch of nonsense as far as replies go, simply for the fact that you feel differently and have had different experiences/outcomes. But please continue to update, and in fact I am just now catching up with a few of the posters and their experiences. Much love and happiness to you!!!!!!
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I don't see AP leaving for each other much on this board, but I do see it in real life all the time. My h was freshly separated when I met him & all I got were statistics & told by everyone I had no chance. Even he told me he never wanted to re-marry or ever have kids. That was 23 yrs & 2 kids ago. I love it...never say never eh? LOL (((((((((Heather)))))))))
Elizabeth Southerns Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 You surely did take many a brickbat while posting at LS because you and your lover ARE NOT THE NORM as surely you must realize. :confused: So anyone whose situation is not the norm is fair game for whatever insults others choose to fling at them? :confused: Cabin, I'm pleased to hear things are progressing well for you! I agree that success stories posted here are altogether too few, and we should acknowledge and celebrate those that do work out!
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 :confused: So anyone whose situation is not the norm is fair game for whatever insults others choose to fling at them? :confused: Cabin, I'm pleased to hear things are progressing well for you! I agree that success stories posted here are altogether too few, and we should acknowledge and celebrate those that do work out! Insults? Or reality checks? Even OW and fOW have posted a few of those with the very best of intentions for Cabin, IMO. If you know your marriage is over, advising someone to tell their spouse and get a divorce is hardly an insult. Cabin did just that.
Recommended Posts