amythan Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) Hi there, I met this guy and I knew from the beginning we have nothing in common. He is fun and good to see around but not a potential bf and I do not have feelings for him. We went out for drinks a few times and we always finished in bed. Which is cool but I do not like the set up. I have been there in the past with people who seemed to care about me. With this guy I feel we just meet if he has nothing better to do, like a delivery pizza and i hate it. It is not because this is casual, it is the way he makes me feel. With me he is nice and we hold hands and cuddle but then he disappears and come back on his terms. It does not seem to me that he is into this with the same desire I am. Something is unbalanced. I know that some people think this is how you behave in these situations to avoid misunderstandings and I cannot force someone to do / feel something they do not want to but I do not feel respected. For example I got once the morning after pill and he didn't even ask or care. I was sick the whole day and he doesn't give a sh*t, actually he didn't even ask. If I have no feelings for him, why do I feel this way ? Should i tell him ? Thanks for your opinions. Edited January 16, 2012 by amythan
ditzchic Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Obviously you do have feelings for him. You're just telling yourself that you don't. This is why I never do friends with benefits. Too often someone develops attachment and it just isn't worth the risk. On the plus side, it seems like you have enough self-respect to notice that this isn't working. Take the lesson learned and move on.
Author amythan Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Honestly I do not think I have feelings for him. I cannot see a future with him, I do not want to share the ups and downs of my life with him, i do not day dream about with and I do not feel the impulse of contacting him all the time .. But I do like to be with him and go and have sex. But i feel he just contact me if he doesn't have a party, there is nothing interesting in tv and he is just in my neighbourhood. I feel like a last resort and this is what I do not like. I had a fwb situation in the past and both of us had the same desire of seeing each other and we shoed more care and respect than that. Am i being unreasonable or unrealistic ? I do not even know if this makes sense ..
Feelsgoodman Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 If I have no feelings for him, why do I feel this way ? Should i tell him ? Thanks for your opinions. You feel this way because you are lying about not having any feelings for him. Saying that you have no feelings is your defence mechanism.
FitChick Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 If you didn't care... you wouldn't care! Why are you wasting your time and energy and risking pregnancy instead of finding someone better? Are you really that lonely and desperate?
Author amythan Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 No, I am neither lonely nor desperate. I am not against a relationship but I am not looking for one either. I respect you think I have feelings for him, I do not think so but maybe you are right and I am in denial. Of course I care about how someone is having sex with me treats me because I never thought that casual sex means not care or no respect. But maybe I am just wrong ... it is just i have never being in a relationship (or whatever it is) which implies this level of whateverness, even though I did have casual things in the past.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Honestly I do not think I have feelings for him. I cannot see a future with him, I do not want to share the ups and downs of my life with him, i do not day dream about with and I do not feel the impulse of contacting him all the time .. But I do like to be with him and go and have sex. But i feel he just contact me if he doesn't have a party, there is nothing interesting in tv and he is just in my neighbourhood. I feel like a last resort and this is what I do not like. I had a fwb situation in the past and both of us had the same desire of seeing each other and we shoed more care and respect than that. Am i being unreasonable or unrealistic ? I do not even know if this makes sense .. Yes. You two are F***Buddies... that's it. You are probably not even his only F***Buddy. If you don't like it... don't whine about it... just stop seeing him. Basically, people can only treat you as bad as you give them permission to. You've given this guy permission to use you like a prostitute... actually worse because they get paid.
TheFinalWord Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Hi there, I met this guy and I knew from the beginning we have nothing in common. He is fun and good to see around but not a potential bf and I do not have feelings for him. We went out for drinks a few times and we always finished in bed. Which is cool but I do not like the set up. I have been there in the past with people who seemed to care about me. With this guy I feel we just meet if he has nothing better to do, like a delivery pizza and i hate it. It is not because this is casual, it is the way he makes me feel. With me he is nice and we hold hands and cuddle but then he disappears and come back on his terms. It does not seem to me that he is into this with the same desire I am. Something is unbalanced. I know that some people think this is how you behave in these situations to avoid misunderstandings and I cannot force someone to do / feel something they do not want to but I do not feel respected. For example I got once the morning after pill and he didn't even ask or care. I was sick the whole day and he doesn't give a sh*t, actually he didn't even ask. If I have no feelings for him, why do I feel this way ? Should i tell him ? Thanks for your opinions. You feel this way because during sex a chemical called oxcytocin is released from the brain. It is the chemcial in women (vasopressin in men) that causes bonding between humans. During sex, it is released; it is also released after childbirth for mother/child bonding. So whether you like him or not, there is still biology at play. The intensity of the bonding can be reduced when a woman engages in sex with many partners over time. It is also subjective. So behaviors (multiple partners) + genetics can make the intensity of the bonding subjective. Normally a period of abstinence is required to have the intensity of the chemical restored. The moral of the story, don't have sex with a man unless you are prepared to deal with the emotional consequences. Has sex education completely failed in America? http://secularheretic-st.blogspot.com/2009/01/woman-who-have-multiple-sexual-partners.html
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Even though you may not have big romantic feelings for this guy obviously you are engaging in an intimate act therefore it's going to have some impact on you. Also the fact that he doesn't really give a **** about you and makes you feel like a piece of meat and then is done with it, you probably would want someone you are intimate with to give a **** more than that, and it bothers you that he doesn't. You'd probably be ok If he had feelings for you and he was the one getting screwed because you had the power and control but here you don't really have him into you either which can't do much for your self-confidence either. The guy can basically stick it then kick you out of bed then hit you up whenever the rest of the three girls in his contact book doesn't respond to him. This seems to be the arrangement you have, I don't really see you as this victim but then again you could express to him that you're not happy with the way he treats you, but anything like that is just a ploy for attention...attention from a guy you're not really into anyway and If I was him I would just cut you off because you're probably the one that allowed things to flow this way in the first place and now you have a problem with it....which isn't my problem, especially if you aren't interested and would just waste my time otherwise.
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