Jayerjay Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Hi All - So to give you some brief background, I dated a girl for about 10 months. She broke up with me 4 weeks ago. She gave me reasons, it was rough and I didn't want it to end but her reasons were valid in my opinion. So I bought a relationship book for men, started working on myself and the things she told me immediately. We've kept in contact, I begged and pleaded for the first two weeks then took a step back and realized she needed space. So I talked to her yesterday, we each admitted we missed each other and I proposed we start slowly seeing each other again. Just meet up once a week for dinner, not spend the night and take things slow and see if we can address the issues that brought us here. She sounded excited at the prospect and we are going to dinner Wednesday. So anyway, I'm posting here just looking for some advice and pointers on how to proceed? I want to make sure we do this right and don't jump back into it to come full circle. I feel like I have my head clear and issues worked out that made her unhappy, but who knows what will happen! Also, just my two cents on NC... I don't think it helps to Get your partner back. I think some of the principles are good, and is necessary if you correctly show the person how you feel and they still want nothing to do with you and you need to recover. But don't sit around thinking the NC game will help bring love back, I haven't gone that path and I don't think I'd be where I'm at now if I did.
BoredAgain Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 How to proceed? Slowly is good, but you already know that. My advice would be to keep your expectations in check. It seems like some people get so excited at the prospect of reconciliation that, if/when it doesn't pan out, they are crushed all over again. Some reconciliations work, others don't. As for NC, I agree that its purpose is not to make a reconciliation happen. It's purpose is help a person to heal from a break-up.
Lis007 Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Good Luck with your Dinner. I agree with you that NC doesn't always work for reconciliation. I am also in the process of reconciling with my husband of 20 years. We have been taking it slow and I have to say it has been amazing for us and lots of happy encounters and we are both working hard on this second chance. Some of our dates have just been a breeze - just having fun! Communicating about whatever and just enjoying each others company. And some our dates have been about addressing the hard things... things from the past and getting our feelings out and those were hard (but necessary). Some of our questions to each other - will things be different? will we fall into old patterns? have we really changed? what makes us think it will be different this time? where did we go wrong? why do we want to try again? Are we ready for this? What are we doing? Can we bring down the walls of emotional protection? It isn't going to always be easy - can we handle that? We are taking each day as it comes and I have to say I am happier than ever and so full of anticipation at this new relationship. To often on here people compare but your relationship is unique and you have to go with what you feel. Communication is key! and if you love her then just love her...
Author Jayerjay Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 That is fantastic! Thanks for listing out those questions, lis. Very helpful, and I agree with both of you... Take it slow, keep expectations in check, ask the important questions and just see where it goes. Many thanks!
chelsea2011 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Lis007 wrote: Some of our questions to each other - will things be different? will we fall into old patterns? have we really changed? what makes us think it will be different this time? where did we go wrong? why do we want to try again? Are we ready for this? What are we doing? Can we bring down the walls of emotional protection? It isn't going to always be easy - can we handle that? ^^^ This is exactly what is going through my head right now. Thank you so much for posting these questions...it's so helpful. I feel really good about the direction we are headed, but I also know it's important to take it slow and not jump ahead too fast. It means you are both putting forth a genuine effort and I see that on both sides in my situation. It feels nice. Good luck to you lis007 and jayerjay. I hope it all works out!
Rorschach64 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Also, just my two cents on NC... I don't think it helps to Get your partner back. I think some of the principles are good, and is necessary if you correctly show the person how you feel and they still want nothing to do with you and you need to recover. But don't sit around thinking the NC game will help bring love back, I haven't gone that path and I don't think I'd be where I'm at now if I did. I want to say congratulations and you're one lucky dude to have a person in your life that is mature enough to discuss things out and take it slow. I agree with your NC stance. All you can do is try to is your best in reconciliation with your ex and if you still get a big fat no then, you go NC. It is all the ex's responsibility from there on out to self realize their mistakes or their love for you, if you want them back that is. NC might help with that but NC is only for healing. Change has to come from within, with the desire to do so.
Author Jayerjay Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Hi all, so I have an update on my story and need some advice. I've been out with my ex a couple times now over the past couple weeks. The first time we went out it was a little awkward, but it was good to see her again and I spent the night at her place (but nothing happened). Then the following Friday we had bad weather and got snowed in and she was constantly texting me how much she wants me to come over, misses me, thinks she's still in love with me, etc etc. Fast forward to the following Sunday, we were supposed to hang out. She sends me no updates, says nothing to me until I text her a couple times asking what the deal is and she eventually responds that things went way late with her plans and she "guesses" tonight won't work. She then called and apologized, which I could tell was very sincere, so I forgave her. Fast forward to last Thursday, we hung out and I cooked her dinner and it was very nice. She stayed over though nothing happened. So that has been the extent of our major interactions. What has been bugging me the past couple weeks is she has put in zero effort for anything, takes forever to respond to anything I say or ask her, has shown no remorse for breaking up other than saying she misses me, and constantly sends mixed signals. SO... Yesterday I told her how I felt, that she's stringing me along, unintentionally most likely. Sounded like she felt poorly about it, but said she's just uncertain - sometimes she knows she wants to 100% be with me and other times she starts thinking again. So I told her I deserve better, and I can't be kept in her back pocket while she like considers other options, that "I'm out" and hope she understands. She just ignored me after that, and hasnt said anything since. Thoughts? Am I justified for feeling this way and deciding this needs to stop? I believe we were headed toward getting back together, but I feel it would be cheap and I'd eventually be bitter if she doesn't decide for herself and show some effort. Advice is appreciated! Thanks!
Million.to.1 Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 You can't make someone love you. You did the right thing. of course she misses you... but that isn't enough. I know how you feel. My ex wasn't 100% sure about us, and i pushed him to end it because i couldn't. I was in love with him and he wasn't there yet... All the problems we faced were all to do with his reluctance to jump in. Maybe i was being impatient, but I don't think so... I kinda knew that he was just in it for a good time, not a long time. I was the one putting in all the effort. It would of worn me down over time, and i know it. It's hard though, because i still love him. I want my love returned. Nothing less. Don't you?
Exit Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 You had a tough choice to make Jayerjay and in situations like that it's hard to say if it was the right or wrong thing, every situation is different and the only person who can feel what is right is you. Reconciliation efforts are so tricky, especially when people aren't moving at the same pace. It only takes a few situations like the one you described where plans were made and texts are sent, yet you don't get any replies until later on, and start to feel like you're being screwed with. Although I will point out, I am surprised that she called and seemingly offered a sincere apology. It seems many times when someone bails on plans and pulls the "sorry I was busy" act, you usually just get some vague text with half an apology, which just makes the insult feel that much worse. She did at least take the time to call, but still, the question remains, what is going through someone's head when they don't communicate ahead of time to let you know what's going on, and instead kind of leave you dangling. There's a small chance it was a total fluke and wasn't meant to happen that way, but I'd say it's about a 99% safe bet that this was a good sign that she's not as into it as you are. This is what scares me about reconciliation. Is it EVER okay to try to work it out at someone else's pace? Many times you see people talking about having the patience to take it one step at a time and not push their ex too hard, but you know if these people had it their way the relationship would already be back in full swing with total commitment. Does it really ever turn out well when you find yourself taking a few steps forward and you look back and realize the person you're trying to work things out with is lagging behind you? Is this really a time where it calls for loving the person for who they are and understanding that they may not be as ready for this as you are, or is it too much of a betrayal of your own personal boundaries to try to "see where things go" with someone who is taking their sweet time? Should we always seek to be with someone who is just as eager and enthusiastic to be with us and communicate with us, or do some situations call for understanding when the other person claims to be undecided? A few of our very own forum members are dealing with this right now, some have even posted in this thread, where they are talking to their exes and trying to take it slow. On one hand, I know you can't meet up with an ex and jump back into a relationship right away and let the same problems happen all over again (been there done that), but how long do you let the trial period go on before you realize you aren't getting a fair return on your investment? Jay you also mentioned that she isn't seeming too "sorry" about the breakup, but I'm not sure what you expect from her. You yourself said that you found her reasons for ending the relationship to be valid, so what are you really expecting her to regret? She made a choice, you analyzed her reasons and even agreed that it seemed like a fair decision, so I'm not sure you should have been wanting any form of apology from her. I hope that isn't a big part of what made you call it off, wanting some type of validation by her apologizing for leaving. You should have just stuck with your stance that you agreed with why it happened and let it be. As I was halfway through your post, the first thing that came to mind was "make sure you sit down and tell her this", but then you followed it up by claiming that you already did. That's an important step so it's good that you did. It's not good to become silently resentful when someone isn't returning calls or texts in a timely fashion, you need to let them know that it's rubbing you the wrong way and making you feel strung along, but you did that, so moving on. If something inside of you was telling you that your personal boundaries were being crossed and you felt like she wasn't making a fair investment of effort into this, then who is to say you made the wrong decision? It only needs to feel right to you. Some people can find an endless supply of patience to crawl along at a snail's pace and let their ex dictate when and where things happen. Maybe they get a successful relationship in the end, maybe not. But if your patience was wearing thin, perhaps you got out at the right time. All of these exact issues have been weighing very heavily on me lately. I've started some light communication with an ex, but I can already tell that despite her agreeing to seeing each other again, she's making very little effort to communicate or commit to planning something. And it's already uncomfortably pulling me in two directions, do I need to work on my patience, or should I just get out now. It's such a complex question. Is it ever worth it enough to experience some discomfort when the person you'd like to be with is not moving at the same pace you are? Or do we pack up and go and look for that person who will stay right along side us. Jay the only other question I can think of for you at this point is do you find yourself hoping that she is going to reach out now that you've said you're taking your cards of the table? Or was this more of a final decision that you don't think it'll ever work with her? I support your decision but I hope you don't find yourself trapped wanting her to reach out and tell you she wants to try harder, because if that's the case, you kind of made a lateral move instead of a step forward, you'll still be waiting to hear from her and it'll still cause some heartache when it becomes apparent that she's not going to make the effort. Do you feel like you can just move on at this point, or are you just hoping that things will pick up again soon after giving her space?
Author Jayerjay Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Agreed. The thing that makes it difficult is she is a sweet girl, and would never intentionally try to jerk me around. Her seeing me again does say a lot and I know she loves me and a large portion of her wants to be with me, but almost every single one of her actions and level of effort says she's stringing me around and only is thinking of herself and doesn't much care what it puts me through anymore. Of course, devil's advocate would say she's confused right now, was giving me the opportunity to show how things could be different and taking things slow to feel out whether it's right. So, I guess there lies the real debate. Should I have put my feelings aside to prove how things could be different and keep going, or do I kick her to the curb because I feel like she is being emotionally selfish and I'm the only one putting forth effort to make things work? I wish I had the answer!
Author Jayerjay Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Exit, Thanks so much, that was an AWESOME reply. All great points and great questions. I think we have at least determined there is no right or wrong answer . I often toss back and forth "well, what did i really expect from her?" and battle with the answer. She had solid reason to decide she needs something different out of the relationship, and I don't expect an apology for anything. She did nothing wrong and has handled the breakup fairly well, though a bit inconsiderate at times, but I can forget that this is tough on her too so it is expected. I guess by remorse, I feel our relationship was 80% great and after all the work I've been putting forth from the other 20% the past month I'm a bit resentful that none of that seems to matter to her. She still just doesn't know. I don't expect my efforts for just a month to fix everything and be great again, but I guess I wanted more progress than this. I've passed up on a few other great opportunities to keep focusing on her and I feel while I'm doing that she's considering other routes. Doesn't seem fair to me. As for the hoping she still comes back... I did what I did with full intention of it being the end. I felt good about it for about a day. But who am I kidding, of course in the back of my mind I want her to come pleading at my door and for it to make her realize she can't stand the thought of losing me. Realistically though I don't expect this to happen nor did I. Unfortunately I did let it build up a bit and I cut her off without having a real conversation with her about it. I do regret that a bit if anything, but I know exactly how the conversation would go, so it wouldn't get anywhere other than frustrate me, but it would have been a bit more respectful. Well time will tell on this one. Who knows, I will keep you posted though as it sounds like you are in a very similar situation, just in the earlier stages. It does suck not getting the reciprocation you hope, and it only gets worse! I guess just know what you're in store for with a potential second chance.
Exit Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 As for the hoping she still comes back... I did what I did with full intention of it being the end. I felt good about it for about a day. But who am I kidding, of course in the back of my mind I want her to come pleading at my door and for it to make her realize she can't stand the thought of losing me. Realistically though I don't expect this to happen nor did I. Yeah I can identify with that completely. It's not all that difficult to come to a decision and feel good about it for a brief period, but all too easily the second-guessing can start to happen and suddenly that decision doesn't seem quite so perfect anymore. I'm terrible with over-analyzing things and no matter what decision I make, I'll wake up the next day and wonder. That's why in my situation I just can't make up my mind, I could already react to the fact that she isn't trying too hard and just say "it appears we may not have the same intentions, maybe it's a bad idea", and then one day later I'll be thinking "why did I flush that opportunity down the toilet?" Like you said, to play devil's advocate, she may have been opening herself as much as possible to test the waters with you and see if changes were possible, and it just comes down to how long you feel like putting up with being tested before you get tired of it. I wish I could identify with the other side of this equation but I've just never been "confused" about anyone. If I find myself thinking about them a lot and having feelings for them then I feel I want to be with them. If I don't, I don't. Maybe it's really just an excuse for people who can't commit, I dunno. As I've thought about these issues, part of me thinks maybe there needs to be some sort of deadline agreed upon by both parties in a situation like this. Agree that you'll "see where it goes" for some time period, a month or whatever, and then it just has to be decision time. On one hand in clear terms it would prevent the confusion from continuing forever, but then there's the people who would argue that you can't put a deadline on this type of thing and why give up after 30 days when maybe if you would just focus on rebuilding the relationship, the other person will be ready on day 35 or 40. Who knows, my mind always lets me see too many sides to every story instead of just my own.
Author Jayerjay Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 Hey Exit, My two cents in the "deadline" - make it in your own head, that there's a certain point you will let her take it as slowly as she wants and as non-committal as she chooses to be, then at the end of the deadline have a talk with her about where she's at and if nothing has changed then walk away. I wouldn't actually communicate the deadline to them, puts too much pressure and will likely cause tension. I would just determine what feels like a reasonable timeframe for yourself to handle the type of communication and attention she will be giving you, then have a true chat about things and where it's at. Also, completely agree about never being confused about someone. Maybe it's a female thing, where they let their emotions reveal themselves over time, where guys immediately think they know what they want and they want it right away. Who knows, but I am certain we will analyze ourselves to death trying to figure it out. How long ago was your breakup? And what type of communication have you been getting from her since then?
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