nat_nat Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 First of all, I am extremely inexperienced when it comes to dating. I am 21 and have only ever been on a couple of drink dates before, and then it’s been me who hasn’t wanted anything beyond that. I’ve always struggled with low confidence and to be honest, I just don’t ever really fancy very many guys. BUT, I have now met someone who is absolutely lovely and gorgeous. He’s 29 and we’ve been on 3 official dates now, but we also see each other every day during the week because we get the same bus for work (that’s how we met). The problem is, the last date we had was me going to his place to watch a couple of films, so we were just cuddling up and kissing on the sofa. I know he wouldn’t have expected more (he really isn’t like that), he’s very shy himself, a gentleman and always says he can’t believe his luck because I’m so stunning. We’ve both now said that we feel less and less nervous around each other. I think I’ll be going round to his again this Saturday, but the closer I get to him, the more I’m thinking I should talk about the fact I’ve never had a boyfriend or even come close to having one. Then this would explain my initial nervousness etc around him. When would be a good time to bring this up? Should I even bother? Any thoughts on the subject would be helpful! I’d particularly appreciate any advice from guys who are around his age. Would it put you off someone to hear about their lack of experience?
salparadise Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I’d particularly appreciate any advice from guys who are around his age. Would it put you off someone to hear about their lack of experience? Well, I'm not around his age but I was once. I don't think it would be off-putting at all, and he may already sense your relative lack of experience. The only thing I would suggest is to mention it while not making a huge thing of it. Everybody has to start somewhere and at age 21 you're certainly not beyond the age range for a first time, real relationship. It's not exactly clear what aspect of inexperience concerns you, i.e., emotional investment, dating and relationship savvy, or perhaps insecurities relating to matters of sexuality. I assume you've determined that he is trustworthy, and if that's the true all you probably need to do is mention it so he'll understand your context. You still need to be looking out for yourself, learning and enforcing appropriate boundaries and so forth, as these are lifetime skills that will serve you well at any age.
jobaba Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 First of all, I am extremely inexperienced when it comes to dating. I am 21 and have only ever been on a couple of drink dates before, and then it’s been me who hasn’t wanted anything beyond that. I’ve always struggled with low confidence and to be honest, I just don’t ever really fancy very many guys. BUT, I have now met someone who is absolutely lovely and gorgeous. He’s 29 and we’ve been on 3 official dates now, but we also see each other every day during the week because we get the same bus for work (that’s how we met). The problem is, the last date we had was me going to his place to watch a couple of films, so we were just cuddling up and kissing on the sofa. I know he wouldn’t have expected more (he really isn’t like that), he’s very shy himself, a gentleman and always says he can’t believe his luck because I’m so stunning. We’ve both now said that we feel less and less nervous around each other. I think I’ll be going round to his again this Saturday, but the closer I get to him, the more I’m thinking I should talk about the fact I’ve never had a boyfriend or even come close to having one. Then this would explain my initial nervousness etc around him. When would be a good time to bring this up? Should I even bother? Any thoughts on the subject would be helpful! I’d particularly appreciate any advice from guys who are around his age. Would it put you off someone to hear about their lack of experience? Overthinking trivial things. Most men ... if they think you are 'stunning' will not care how many boyfriends or relationships you've had. Having a relationship is not that different from being good friends with somebody. Think about it this way. If YOU met a gorgeous man who had never had any girlfriends or an average looking guy who had lots of experience, who would you choose.
Author nat_nat Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Overthinking trivial things. I don't know if it's that trivial... it would also be my first proper time being totally intimate with a guy. I'm a virgin and I guess that's what's really concerning me. Not sure how he'd feel about this but I'm getting so comfortable around him now and beginning to think my first time should be with him.
Renard99 Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I agree with Salparadise. there's no reason why you shouldn't bring it up, just make sure you don't pay too much attention to it when you do. If it's partly sexual inexperience that worries you, when you bring it up, say something like 'I've never been with a guy before'. That way it's all encompassing as the 'never been with' bit can refer to 'in general' as well as 'in bed'. If it's on your mind then I suggest you do bring it up just to get it off your chest. As Salparadise has said, he may have worked out that you lack experience and is therefore fine about it, and, therefore you're worrying without need. He sounds like a good guy, I'm sure he'll understand your worries.
jobaba Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I don't know if it's that trivial... it would also be my first proper time being totally intimate with a guy. I'm a virgin and I guess that's what's really concerning me. Not sure how he'd feel about this but I'm getting so comfortable around him now and beginning to think my first time should be with him. It'd be trivial to me if I liked you. I wouldn't care if you were 33. You're 21 and a puppy. He'll tell you what to do. Don't worry about it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I don't know if it's that trivial... it would also be my first proper time being totally intimate with a guy. I'm a virgin and I guess that's what's really concerning me. Not sure how he'd feel about this but I'm getting so comfortable around him now and beginning to think my first time should be with him. Oh... that's different from just saying you've never had a BF before. Seriously, just let things flow naturally. Make sure there is exclusive commitment before getting too far down the sex road. Otherwise, tell him when the time feels right. Even if that means while your tearing his shirt to shreds.
thehead Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Oh... that's different from just saying you've never had a BF before. Seriously, just let things flow naturally. Make sure there is exclusive commitment before getting too far down the sex road. Otherwise, tell him when the time feels right. Even if that means while your tearing his shirt to shreds. Agree with this. I'd want to know to be honest but a separate conversation isn't necessary. I wouldn't find it a turn off but I'd take things slower with a virgin.
FitChick Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I'm surprised no one has mentioned birth control. It's the inexperienced ones who seem to get pregnant. Without saying anything initially, always bring condoms of different sizes in your handbag. Do they still make The Sponge? Bring spermicide foam or gel. What else are they using these days? See a doctor about taking The Pill. Don't have sex without it!
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Well nat_nat I'm 31 and for me a 21 year old is like shooting fish in a barrel in terms of knowledge and experience. Now I'm probably much more experienced than your 29 year old guy, so we probably have a much different dating experience however the guy is still 29 and even If he was dead stupid he'd still be leaps and bounds ahead of you because you don't live that many years without learning something...so basically be careful, don't be so trusting and easily deceived as to thinking he knows nothing, he's still much much older than you and you'll understand that when you're our age, it really is that drastic of a distance with no exaggeration. With that being said. If you told this to an experienced guy he would just be happy and excited to a degree because now he gets to deflower you and show you a lot of things, and he'll know you'll very likely fall for him (especially If a virgin) your mind will play tricks on you and the eyes will get all googly because you'll think the world of him and like "he's the one" and all that crap...it happens to all of us. But in this case it's still a positive thing for him, and you can tell him but honestly you should just ask him to go slow with you and take things at a comfortable pace...even though ultimately you're in for a world of crap you're not used to especially If he knows what he is doing. If he's this big shy nerd doofus with no experience with the ladies then this will make him only more comfortable. How you would get to 29 with such a little amount of experience is beyond me, but for the sake of the argument let's assume he's kind of even close to being in the same boat as you. Well he'll not know what to do, and you'll probably ultimately be unimpressed but you'll probably not care as you don't have much yourself and won't even know the difference, making it an enjoyable experience for both of you. Ultimately I'd wait to tell him, If he starts to move too fast and take it to the next level (which I assume he will) and you don't feel ready or comfortable tell him to slow down. In fact you'll probably find out more of what kind of guy he is by taking it slow than you would just letting him take the lead, as he may show annoyance or disinterest If you slow down the ride. But honestly I'm sure with he knows he has it in the bag by now, I would If I was him easily.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 First of all, I am extremely inexperienced when it comes to dating. I am 21 and have only ever been on a couple of drink dates before, and then it’s been me who hasn’t wanted anything beyond that. I’ve always struggled with low confidence and to be honest, I just don’t ever really fancy very many guys. BUT, I have now met someone who is absolutely lovely and gorgeous. He’s 29 and we’ve been on 3 official dates now, but we also see each other every day during the week because we get the same bus for work (that’s how we met). The problem is, the last date we had was me going to his place to watch a couple of films, so we were just cuddling up and kissing on the sofa. I know he wouldn’t have expected more (he really isn’t like that), he’s very shy himself, a gentleman and always says he can’t believe his luck because I’m so stunning. We’ve both now said that we feel less and less nervous around each other. I think I’ll be going round to his again this Saturday, but the closer I get to him, the more I’m thinking I should talk about the fact I’ve never had a boyfriend or even come close to having one. Then this would explain my initial nervousness etc around him. When would be a good time to bring this up? Should I even bother? Any thoughts on the subject would be helpful! I’d particularly appreciate any advice from guys who are around his age. Would it put you off someone to hear about their lack of experience? A long time ago I recall reading in a "Dear Abby"-like column, a letter and response to someone asking how to avoid "deadly silence" while on a date. One suggestion from the columnist was to talk a-BOUT the awkward silence, as sort of a way to diffuse the impact OF it. In a similar way, it is very much OK for you to talk about your lack of dating history. I'm sure he's already decided you're a 'gem', and it certainly won't take away from that to learn that you're a virgin. I have a sense that telling him you're a virgin will make for better early sexual experiences for you than would be in store if you didn't let him know. Some of the glue that holds relationships together is that very same sort of confiding and trusting... and the eventual 'comfort' with one another (which is the result).
kaylan Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Well nat_nat I'm 31 and for me a 21 year old is like shooting fish in a barrel in terms of knowledge and experience. Now I'm probably much more experienced than your 29 year old guy, so we probably have a much different dating experience however the guy is still 29 and even If he was dead stupid he'd still be leaps and bounds ahead of you because you don't live that many years without learning something...so basically be careful, don't be so trusting and easily deceived as to thinking he knows nothing, he's still much much older than you and you'll understand that when you're our age, it really is that drastic of a distance with no exaggeration. With that being said. If you told this to an experienced guy he would just be happy and excited to a degree because now he gets to deflower you and show you a lot of things, and he'll know you'll very likely fall for him (especially If a virgin) your mind will play tricks on you and the eyes will get all googly because you'll think the world of him and like "he's the one" and all that crap...it happens to all of us. But in this case it's still a positive thing for him, and you can tell him but honestly you should just ask him to go slow with you and take things at a comfortable pace...even though ultimately you're in for a world of crap you're not used to especially If he knows what he is doing. If he's this big shy nerd doofus with no experience with the ladies then this will make him only more comfortable. How you would get to 29 with such a little amount of experience is beyond me, but for the sake of the argument let's assume he's kind of even close to being in the same boat as you. Well he'll not know what to do, and you'll probably ultimately be unimpressed but you'll probably not care as you don't have much yourself and won't even know the difference, making it an enjoyable experience for both of you. Ultimately I'd wait to tell him, If he starts to move too fast and take it to the next level (which I assume he will) and you don't feel ready or comfortable tell him to slow down. In fact you'll probably find out more of what kind of guy he is by taking it slow than you would just letting him take the lead, as he may show annoyance or disinterest If you slow down the ride. But honestly I'm sure with he knows he has it in the bag by now, I would If I was him easily. I agree with this. Usually when guys date girls a lot younger than them , its so they can be completely in the drivers seat and sometimes dont have the best motives. So keep things moving slow but steady until you truly know this guy well.Im 25 myself and stay away from women under 20 because the life experience gap is apparent and id feel like I can run circles around them. I prefer a girl whos at least 22 though. Just take your time and get to know this fellow. Make sure you want the same things. Good Luck.
Author nat_nat Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 Thanks for the help everyone, feel a bit better now! I will definitely tell him when the time feels right, and I'm looking forward to just getting to know him without the sex too.
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