Tenacity Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I have read some posts on here lately, off and on (mostly off) for the past couple of months. It seems like most of the posts are sort of hypothetical questions... many from people who were in A's years ago and are still trying to understand it I guess. Some of the people who post these questions have been out of the affair for YEARS! I don't want to be there.... It has taken me a really long time to get through this, and I am still not through it, but at least I don't feel like I want to kill myself any longer because he didn't choose me or because he ignored our baby. I guess I am just wondering.... when is it time to move on past this forum, and no longer post here, looking at articles about cheating or analyzing back and forth about cheating this and that? You know... just general discussions about psychological manipulation.... gaslighting... etc. He did all that, but what else is there to say? It isn't time to move on for me in terms of life. I am still alone. I believe that I will always be alone. Yet, I don't want to keep going over it again and again and talk about what a gaslighter he was and what a fool I was and keep talking about various aspects about it constantly.... I can't. I just want to move on, even if it is moving on all alone (which it is).
Gentlegirl Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Hello Tenacity, I am so glad to hear that you are doing better and the worst first bit is over. To address your question. I don't know when it is time to move on. I have times when I don['t come here for a while. I am NC 13 months now. Having an A is not like a normal relationship. When you break up with normal relationship, you can talk to you mother, sister, friends , lots of people. With an A you really have to choose who you talk to. Sometimes there is nobody that you can tell. That where LS is a life saver for some people. You can come here when you are feeling low or tempted or just want to learn some more about the A dynamic. I don't ever feel that I will understand why I did what I did. It was just way way off base for me. Others also have unresolved issues that bear discussion from time to time. Some people are just feeling blue. I guess LS is a lot of different things to different people. To me, there are a lot of lovely people here who kept me afloat when I could not broach the A with my family or friends. I am eternally grateful Tenacity, you have a long road to travel with your little one. I hope you will recover and move on quickly. You have a huge task ahead of you. YOu will know when the time is right to say goodbye to LS. Take great care of yourself and your baby, Best wishes, GG x
frozensprouts Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 maybe the only answer is that you will move on when are ready... it can be so hard to let go, but eventually, you will find yourself thinking about the affair less and less , but there may always be things that you don't understand ...it's hard to accept that, but maybe, in the end, you'll find they just don't matter anymore...you'll make peace with yourself and move on I hope that happens for you sooner than later
Hazyhead Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I have read some posts on here lately, off and on (mostly off) for the past couple of months. It seems like most of the posts are sort of hypothetical questions... many from people who were in A's years ago and are still trying to understand it I guess. Some of the people who post these questions have been out of the affair for YEARS! I don't want to be there.... It has taken me a really long time to get through this, and I am still not through it, but at least I don't feel like I want to kill myself any longer because he didn't choose me or because he ignored our baby. I guess I am just wondering.... when is it time to move on past this forum, and no longer post here, looking at articles about cheating or analyzing back and forth about cheating this and that? You know... just general discussions about psychological manipulation.... gaslighting... etc. He did all that, but what else is there to say? It isn't time to move on for me in terms of life. I am still alone. I believe that I will always be alone. Yet, I don't want to keep going over it again and again and talk about what a gaslighter he was and what a fool I was and keep talking about various aspects about it constantly.... I can't. I just want to move on, even if it is moving on all alone (which it is). Hi Tenacity, Do you always come here for the same reasons? That is, to go over the specifics of your A or as an outlet for you feeling down? I ask because I'm a while out of it too and I still come here, but I can't see me not doing. For the most part, I read about others and issues relating to As, and they don't necessarily make me feel that sinking, clenching resentment anymore. Admittedly, there are times when it still comes back, but on the whole I find I can keep moving forward. Loveshack gives me a lot and helps, rather than impedes, my progress. Perhaps this will come to you too. I understand how you feel though. Maybe a break from this place will serve as a boost for a bit; help you forget it for a while?
Author Tenacity Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 Thanks for the replies everyone. I know it's been awhile since I posted, but as a reminder, my baby died at birth. He never acknowledged her. I am not suicidal anymore like I was, but I am not ever going to trust a man again, that is for sure. I will be on my own for the rest of my life. Anyway, my post wasn't mean to target anyone who still posts here after years (technically it's been years since I started in this myself, and here I am too). I guess I was just dreaming of a time that I would no longer have this hanging over my head, but I don't think that time ever will come.
Spark1111 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Tenacity, I think when you reach a place of understanding and forgiveness, deep within yourself, is when you need all of this .....less. And only you know when you are there...... I never talk of the affair IRL....it is not that important in my life anymore.....4 years after the fact. It no longer defines me, my thoughts, my beliefs....I am in a good place and I am grateful for that. I revisit to learn and to help others through my experiences and that does feel good. So there is so little out there to truly help those of us who have been on one side of the triangle. Even those who love us can give very poor, one-sided advice. You have endured SOOOOO much, more than most who have lived on one side of the triangle and I wish you peace. Be kind and patient with yourself....grieve your tragic loss...you cannot wish any of it into a cornfield (trust me, I have tried) but in time....you will find a will to move into your future. For some of us, it IS having an outlet to talk, post and share. For others, it is NOT doing so. Whatever it takes, however it works for you, is what you need to do. I wish you peace, as long as it takes you to get there.
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