shortee143 Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Hi all. Now I know people on here either are too hurt/despise their ex to ever bother with them. But my question is- is anyone on good terms with an ex DESPITE a messy breakup and a lot of hurt? Has time really helped? My ex and I are in each other's lives indefinitely and see each other nonstop. (our breakup was indeed hurtful/messy/not fun etc). So I am curious if it is abnormal to get past the pain/mistrust/etc and end up in possibly good place with them? thanks for any feedback
lilyblue Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Hi all. Now I know people on here either are too hurt/despise their ex to ever bother with them. But my question is- is anyone on good terms with an ex DESPITE a messy breakup and a lot of hurt? Has time really helped? My ex and I are in each other's lives indefinitely and see each other nonstop. (our breakup was indeed hurtful/messy/not fun etc). So I am curious if it is abnormal to get past the pain/mistrust/etc and end up in possibly good place with them? thanks for any feedback Yep. The messy break up was that he started ignoring me. 6 months later he showed up at my door and apologized. I accepted it, and then we didn't talk for another 2 months. He initiated contact again and things went from there. Now we're good friends.
fucpcg Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I am great friends with 4 of 5 exs. 2 of the 4 were estranged endings, but found our way back, as I did have a loving relationship with both of them. 1 out of 5, my most current, refuses to talk to me despite valiant effort on my part.
AwptiK Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) My last two relationships ended pretty messy, i'll even add that a fling between those two relationships ended slightly messy as well. The first relationship - After NC for 4-5 months, she contacted me (she's the dumper). At first she wanted to try things again (I didn't), but now that she's past that, we're pretty good friends. We don't really see each other but we talk every few days at least. She's helped me out with my recent breakup. Fling - Was mutually ended, then got messy because of some lingering issues we both had. Haven't talked to her since August I believe. Relationship 2: Recently ended, she was the dumper again. Another twist, we're coworkers so seeing each other and having communication is a must. We're pretty good friends though, even though our breakup is only two weeks old. We're still giving each other space, but we'll spend a bit of time at work talking about non-work things. --- I do hope R2 turns back into a relationship. It kind of correlates with the topic, because her and I never have been able to just be "friends". I would like her back in time, and i'm banking on the fact that she fell pretty hard for me just from being around me at work. -- To generalize, I would assume being friends/good friends with an ex is a common thing, regardless of the issues and situations in the relationship and the ones that caused it's demise. Everyone is different, but I think (and this is where my R2 seems to be), the mindset is: "I enjoy his/her company and them being part of my life, but when we were dating I didn't like/want to deal with X, Y and Z; so being friends means I don't have to stress about that kind of stuff." You get the good without the bad. I hope that makes enough sense. Edited January 16, 2012 by AwptiK
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I had two guys that I really liked and we dated, but weren't official or anything. When that ended, it hurt me so I couldn't really talk to them for awhile, but they ended up coming back wanting to actually commit to me. By then I was over them so they needed their own time to move on from that, but after all that, I am great friends with both of them and I wouldn't have it any other way
Author shortee143 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Lily- That is nice to hear, esp if you got a sincere genuine apology and were able to move on as friends. A real apology from my ex would mean the world to me (I no longer hold my breath for that!) Fucpcg- I had an ex who dumped me via phone, never spoke to me really again. We had no fights, abuse (I dont know why he ended things) but even at my attempts to be mature and stay at least acquaintances were shot down. I only tried bc we had to see each other at upcoming weddings, parties etc. To this day, years later- he hasnt said a word to me really since he dumped me. Amp- That makes sense. I hope things end well with your current situation. I am really trying to be friends, but it is so hard bc it all lies on me. He is oblivious, and thinks we can just poof be back to normal. I am filled with hurt and dont know ill look at him the same, at least for awhile. But being we see each other several times a week it has been a whirlwind of figuring out how to act/handle things. This is all so different from those that break up, than really never see the ex again. When you have kids, work together, same social circle...it adds so many more elements to the process. perflectlyflawed- its funny- I always hear when they come back, we are the ones who finally have moved on!! thanks for the responses- I wasnt seeking advice for once, just looking to see how others are with exes. This board is filled with a lot of hurt, anger, etc towards exes. So was interested to see it from the other side, and from those that got past that, and moved forward with their ex still in their life.
lilyblue Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Lily- That is nice to hear, esp if you got a sincere genuine apology and were able to move on as friends. A real apology from my ex would mean the world to me (I no longer hold my breath for that!) It was genuine, and from someone who I NEVER would have thought would have come back. He's incredibly black and white, has a tendency to be defensive, and is quick to find fault in others rather than himself. I got 2 hours of straight undefensive apology. I was amazed - I kind of still am. Maybe unfortunately, it makes me think that if he can come back, anyone (ie my current ex) can.
YouNeverKnow86 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 It was genuine, and from someone who I NEVER would have thought would have come back. He's incredibly black and white, has a tendency to be defensive, and is quick to find fault in others rather than himself. I got 2 hours of straight undefensive apology. I was amazed - I kind of still am. Maybe unfortunately, it makes me think that if he can come back, anyone (ie my current ex) can. Lily, Did he tell you the reasons why he ignored you? I am trying to figure out why my dumper ex has ignored me for the last 3 months. She is supposedly still single and not with anyone......Trying to figure this out
lilyblue Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Lily, Did he tell you the reasons why he ignored you? I am trying to figure out why my dumper ex has ignored me for the last 3 months. She is supposedly still single and not with anyone......Trying to figure this out He actually disappeared more than ignored me. 6 months later he texted me that he was at my house to apologize. I almost threw up on the spot. He said the last time he had visited he just got really overwhelmed, thought I wanted more than he did (I had given zero indication of this, nor did I - it made no sense), he was depressed, he thought I would leave if I found someone for a relationship, he didn't know what to do with our relationship so he just decided to ignore it. Really just a cowardly and non-communicative move. He said he thought about what he should do every day and the days turned to weeks and months and he didn't think I'd answer if he called, emailing seemed impersonal, he almost wrote me a letter. He thought I'd be too mad to respond, so he just kept going down the avoidant path. Poor choice, but in the end it wasn't malicious, just really cowardly. Who knows what you can take from that though. My most current ex also disappeared. It certainly doesn't help to have it happen to me again.
Author shortee143 Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 I woulda been socvked if I were you too! If I got a text from my ex saying that Id probably pass out! it is funny- my mom had an ex from 25 years ago, who she saw on/off at reunions and such, and he told apologized to her for being such an awful bf. 25 years later!! I always have thought that ok sure the words "im sorry" dont just fix everything, but it someone who hurt me terribly came back to me, and at least recocginized that was was genuinly sorry, it would mean so much. I am glad you go that from your ex lily!
fucpcg Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Lily, Did he tell you the reasons why he ignored you? I am trying to figure out why my dumper ex has ignored me for the last 3 months. She is supposedly still single and not with anyone......Trying to figure this out My ex went on and on publicly about how much she loved me after two months of dating. She broke up with me officially (after being seperated about a month) a couple days before our 1 year anniversary, telling me she didn't deserve for her to ever speak to me or see me again. She went 3 months roughly without seeing anyone, had a few summer flings with some real **** guys who then spread stories about what a whore she was basically (and they knew sexual preferences about her that they never could have guessed so obviously they weren't making this up, as far as having sex with her), and has basically been single since, now being apart 11 months. I saw her out about a month ago, she gave me half a smile, said hello, I think almost stopped to talk, then kept going on past me. A few minutes later she left the club in a flash using furthest exit possible from me, and this is a club she always spent till closing time hanging out at. It wasn't anyh0where near closing time. I thought maybe this is an indication she's finally ready to talk, but maybe just needs a little ice breaking to do it, so a couple weeks after seeing her I mailed her a very nice letter that basically said hey I know I got things wrong which I have apologized for, some stories got back to me this summer about some very unpleasant things you said about me, look breakups are tough and no matter what has transpired since the split, to me it doesn't matter I still believe in your heart, and still miss us, and if you can say you believe in my heart, and miss me, then let's just at least meet for a cup of coffee and give us a chance to talk about things and put this silence to rest so that we can have a shot at going back to what was the best relationship of my life (something that she proclaimed as well when together). NO RESPONSE. I was really quite shocked. I can't make any sense of it either. She's single, she has to run out of the bar when seeing me which means it affects her, her experience after me were with guys who didn't give a $hit, and yet still silence.
fucpcg Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 So anyways, not to hijack the thread, I've had 5 loves now at age 41. When you honestly love someone, you always want the best for them right? One of my favorite love quotes is "love means never having to say you are sorry". We all screw up at some point in relationships, life isn't perfect, and neither are any of us as human beings. Every single love, going back to my first at age 21, is a girl who still holds a special place in my heart. I feel so fortunate to have not lost contact with all of these girls, and we all still maintain a healthy respect for each other and our time together... other than this one girl described above. It really bothers me so much that she refuses to communicate, we were best friends, I became a father to her kids (who had a father that didn't give a**** about them), and she is the only girl I ever proposed to. To go from that, to silence, I just don't get. Where's the love she once proclaimed? But I have tired all I can, and to make a friendship, it does take two.
flitzanu Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 eventually, yes. some of my dearest and closest friends are ex girlfriends that both of us no longer have romantic interest between each other. it's possible, but takes a lot of time.
lilyblue Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I woulda been socvked if I were you too! If I got a text from my ex saying that Id probably pass out! it is funny- my mom had an ex from 25 years ago, who she saw on/off at reunions and such, and he told apologized to her for being such an awful bf. 25 years later!! I always have thought that ok sure the words "im sorry" dont just fix everything, but it someone who hurt me terribly came back to me, and at least recocginized that was was genuinly sorry, it would mean so much. I am glad you go that from your ex lily! It does help so much sometimes. I want it so badly from my most recent ex. Maybe someday. I miss him as part of my life, even in a platonic way.
Author shortee143 Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 sorry for my typos above! I was typing in the dark, and it wouldnt let me edit it!!! Anyways- fucpcg- that is a shame, i guess time will tell. But as I told my ex, it takes 2. I cant repair our damaged friendship on my own. However, he just didnt think any effort was needed. flitzanu- I have no idea if I will lose romantic interest in him fully anytime soon, maybe when I meet somone else. But for now, I have to try and be friends, knowing I feel more. And he is aware I feel more. I have never been friends with an ex- not by choice, we just kinda went on with our lives, so this is all new to me. lilyblue- ugh i know ur pain. It is so hard watching someone you cared about/cared about u..just blow you off. At the end of the day, I have become aware my ex just doesnt get (meaning that it takes effort to be "cool" after such a bad breakup, and in his mind, things are just supposed to be water under the bridge), and who knows if he ever will.
flitzanu Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 sorry for my typos above! I was typing in the dark, and it wouldnt let me edit it!!! Anyways- fucpcg- that is a shame, i guess time will tell. But as I told my ex, it takes 2. I cant repair our damaged friendship on my own. However, he just didnt think any effort was needed. flitzanu- I have no idea if I will lose romantic interest in him fully anytime soon, maybe when I meet somone else. But for now, I have to try and be friends, knowing I feel more. And he is aware I feel more. I have never been friends with an ex- not by choice, we just kinda went on with our lives, so this is all new to me. lilyblue- ugh i know ur pain. It is so hard watching someone you cared about/cared about u..just blow you off. At the end of the day, I have become aware my ex just doesnt get (meaning that it takes effort to be "cool" after such a bad breakup, and in his mind, things are just supposed to be water under the bridge), and who knows if he ever will. also, don't confuse being civil with being "friends". you don't have to be friends with him in order to be civil in social situations.
CarrieT Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I am also great friends with most of my Exes. In most cases, there was no way we could be friends immediately after the break-up; it took time and healing of wounds to be able to come together again as actual friends. In one case, I couldn't talk to the guy for almost a decade, but now - a decade later - we visit together often, I send presents to his wife and child, and are welcome in their home as a houseguest. Of my six long-term relationships, there are only two I am not friends with: my husband (who was a closet homosexual and may very well be dead because he has not shown up on any internet searches since our divorce 20 years ago) and my last rampant alcoholic BF who has ended up - literally - on skid row and only calls when he is trying to get a fix. I would love to be friends with him someday, but he would have to be sober for a long, long time for me to be able to even consider it...
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