xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I really have to admit my track record with men is horrible. Every relationship and date I have had has ended with either me losing interest or the guy putting me on the backburner. I have experienced every " no-no' pertinent in the dating world, from the infamous " disappearing act" to the push- pull to the current lamest excuse in my book, " I have to bail Grandma out". I can almost relate to every failed relationship ever written on the market, and yet while my mind had been stimulated and revelations hit me, I am sometimes still clueless. See, I'm not gullible, but I admit that my " people picker" is way off. I admit it, and it is the 99% of the truth- sometimes it isn't that the guy's fault, I just don't listen to my intuition. Now the last few days I've been catching up on some reading for some broadened enlightenment, and I realize that the one thing I really needed to improve on was picking the right people. I have control over who I let into my life, like the friends I keep ( I have a very small and close knit circle of friends). If this means I have to be selective so be it, but at least I'm to become the driver of my relationships rather than take a backseat to letting men pick me ( and more than once those very same guys are the ones who came on too strong and back off way too fast when I don't give it up). So my enlightenment is telling me to date " smart". Not necessarily play because I really don't have the patience for games ( I don't even bother with video games either). I need to pay more attention to other's intention and instead of focusing on the physical I also need to look out for personality and motive. I need to stop ignoring the red flags that keep popping up, and start having the backbone to say " enough is enough" and walk away at the first sign of trouble ( this is my vice: I tend to let relationships fester to the point where I forgive and forgive and being walked all over on). People tell me that I think like a guy, and since I do know how guys think why can't I use that to my advantage? I feel like I can dish out advice rather than take it in myself. So I'm going to stop being a hypocrite too. If I'm always telling others that they can't put up with BS, I need to take my own advice too. Guys and girls, how do you date " smart"?
Pyro Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) I need to pay more attention to other's intention and instead of focusing on the physical I also need to look out for personality and motive. I need to stop ignoring the red flags that keep popping up, and start having the backbone to say " enough is enough" and walk away at the first sign of trouble that is how you date smart. For me, smart dating was patience. I would not start dating someone just because they were attractive. They also require a good personality to go with it. Edited January 16, 2012 by Pyro
Lobouspo Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Sounds like you are on the right track. I would just add, when you meet someone you have chemistry and have fun with on one or more dates, don't automatically assume you are compatible. Ask questions AND PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR ANSWERS. Are they looking for the same thing in a relationship? Do you share the same values? IME, red flags and compatibility issues rear their head fairly early if you are paying attention
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 that is how you date smart. For me, smart dating was patience. I would not start dating someone just because they were attractive. They also require a good personality to go with it. I like to say for me, attraction is only 70%. I can tell you how many guys I am attracted to but so few that I actually " like". Which is also why my dating life has been on lapses- I'm barely dating a guy a month... give or take. Is it me or are the more " prettier" men the most conceited? I have never dated models ( neither do I want to) but the few guys who I have interacted with with hobbies like going to the gym ( excessively) and a multitude of girl friends are the ones who are more picky. But even when personality comes into play, they would prefer to continue looking for a Giselle Bundchen lookalike.
cerridwen Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Sounds like you are on the right track. I would just add, when you meet someone you have chemistry and have fun with on one or more dates, don't automatically assume you are compatible. Ask questions AND PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR ANSWERS. Are they looking for the same thing in a relationship? Do you share the same values? IME, red flags and compatibility issues rear their head fairly early if you are paying attention I agree with this. Relationships have never been central to my life. But I do love men and I do love sex and companionship so I'm reemerging onto the dating scene and dating smart by being in no rush. Just as Lobouspo advised above, I look for common values and similar worldviews. I see if long-term goals are the same. I determine if we'll be at odds about children, home, career, family, friends, and my need for space. I'm honest with myself about other needs as well. Namely, that he be extremely interesting, funny, sexy, warm, free from ghosts from relationships past, and is long-term partner and father material.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I like to say for me, attraction is only 70%. I can tell you how many guys I am attracted to but so few that I actually " like". Which is also why my dating life has been on lapses- I'm barely dating a guy a month... give or take. Is it me or are the more " prettier" men the most conceited? I have never dated models ( neither do I want to) but the few guys who I have interacted with with hobbies like going to the gym ( excessively) and a multitude of girl friends are the ones who are more picky. But even when personality comes into play, they would prefer to continue looking for a Giselle Bundchen lookalike. Yes, prettier guys tend to be much more conceited, although you may find some gems among them. Just like the prettier girls often tend to be a pain in the @ss. The part Pyro quoted is really what drives you making smart dating choices. Understand what is motivating your date. Ask questions that will help you uncover motives. You won't know what their real goals are if you don't ask. I think men especially hide their motives. Additionally as a female you have to have very intelligent filters in place. Especially in online dating your going to get flooded with interest... so be smart about how you weed guys out. Don't be afraid to take smart risks. Those rely on love at first site style butterflies are only hurting themselves. Quality guys are few and far between... quality guys that fit what you need are damn rare. If everything else is clicking... give it some time to develop. If it never comes... then so be it.
jobaba Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 What kind of guy are you looking for? Race, job, partying style, level of looks. I did the NYC 'social' scene for over a decade and once most of my good looking friends found their 'niche' it was like a goldmine. Everybody in their 20s in NYC has a niche. What do you and your friends do for fun?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 I agree with this. Relationships have never been central to my life. But I do love men and I do love sex and companionship so I'm reemerging onto the dating scene and dating smart by being in no rush. Just as Lobouspo advised above, I look for common values and similar worldviews. I see if long-term goals are the same. I determine if we'll be at odds about children, home, career, family, friends, and my need for space. I'm honest with myself about other needs as well. Namely, that he be extremely interesting, funny, sexy, warm, free from ghosts from relationships past, and is long-term partner and father material. Im at that point where I am willing to juggle work and relationship. I'm not a workaholic ( unlike most of the men I've met) and if I do see long term goals, I'm willing to contribute my time and energy into something meaningful. I don't want to rush anything, neither do I want to end up in bed with anyone anytime soon. I'm paying more attention to their wants and needs, to their expectations and whether they match with me.
cerridwen Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Im at that point where I am willing to juggle work and relationship. I'm not a workaholic ( unlike most of the men I've met) and if I do see long term goals, I'm willing to contribute my time and energy into something meaningful. I don't want to rush anything, neither do I want to end up in bed with anyone anytime soon. I'm paying more attention to their wants and needs, to their expectations and whether they match with me. I love this. Sex can muddy the waters sometimes and lend a hand in us forgetting about our original focus and goal. Good luck, papercut. You're being smart already!
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