angelaM Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I'm in love with a man I've been with for a year and a half. We dated before, many, many years ago, and reconnected a couple of years ago when he lost his wife to cancer. It is a very good relationship, in most ways. He is a good man, and I know he loves me and is committed to me. He is also very, very busy. With work, sports, social engagements, house tasks, music. To his credit, he loves having me with him and would be happiest if I were with him all the time. But there's a catch. He rarely prioritizes time for us to be alone together. We both enjoy it when it happens, and he doesn't seem to have any fear of intimacy. He just has this idea that he doesn't want to miss an "opportunity" for some other activity or social gathering. Time alone together is what happens when all other options are exhausted. He is a very social guy, with a lot of friends. I tend to be more reserved, and I don't need a lot of outside activity in order to be happy. I feel like I've made a significant effort to go along with his need to socialize, including meeting a lot of new people and finding things to talk about at endless parties. It is hard for me at times because I can be shy, but I have tried and I know he appreciates that. But I'm starting to feel a little resentful that he doesn't reciprocate and prioritize the things that are important to me -- including alone time, date nights and the like. For my birthday, I told him I really wanted a romantic dinner together. I found out later that he had invited my family to join us -- even knowing that time alone with him is my favorite thing in the world. He said it was "normal" to include family in birthday celebrations, and he wanted to surprise me. He didn't seem to care that I specifically asked for time with him. I got tickets for a concert and invited him, and he invited other people to join us, without asking me. He said concerts were meant for big groups of people. I feel like he really doesn't care about my needs, and that I am doing most of the giving in that regard. When we talk about this, he says he doesn't understand my need to "monopolize" all of his time. Because we live 45 minutes apart, we usually see each other only on weekends -- sometimes as little as 24 hours. I am happy with a balance of activity; some time alone, some social time. He thinks alone time is what you do between the real events. Yesterday, he had lunch with old friends and we had agreed to meet up late afternoon. He invited me to lunch but I had other commitments, so we were going to meet at IKEA, buy curtain rods, go to his house and watch a movie. At about 4 p.m. I called to ask what time I should meet him. He said they were watching football and that he had no idea how much longer he would be there because he was having fun and "living in the moment." I asked him to guess, since I would have to do the bulk of the driving to get to where he was. He said he didn't know and that he "wasn't going to let me force him to leave his friends." So we didn't see each other last night at all, or today. He seems to think that all I want to do is be alone with him. This is my favorite thing, true. But in no way is that all I want. I want 2 things: 1) A balance between social time and alone time, and 2) for him to occasionally prioritize time alone with me, instead of allocating what's left. I feel like I'm not a priority in his life. I feel like I don't really matter to him sometimes. I feel like he is happiest when he is in a crowd of people (with me along, to be fair) and that I am always second best. He says there is no difference between time alone and time with others... except that being in a group of people is "more efficient." He doesn't understand the importance of intimate couple conversation in keeping a relationship together. I know he loves me, and we have talked about marriage. He says he is perfectly content in the relationship. And I have worked very hard to make sure he is as happy as can be, by socializing more than I would really like to. But I don't feel like he is meeting me halfway. I need to feel more significant. I want to be a priority. I want him to want to see me. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do. He isn't interested in addressing this issue with me, because he says he is happy and I need to find a way to make it work for me. Today, the only option seems to be to leaving. I need something he is unable or unwilling to give. But I love him dearly, and apart from this, our relationship is a good one. I've been in a bunch of relationships in the past. There is more good than bad in this one. But this issue hurts. I want to feel like my needs and desires are important to him. I don't know what to do.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 This is who he is. No ambiguity. You have different social and relationship styles. Love is actions. One action is seeking common ground. Unilateral inflexibility is not love in action. As the wise old soul who provided us MC put it, you have a decision to make.
Author angelaM Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Thank you, Carhill. You have a way of cutting to the chase and I appreciate your response, I definitely have some thinking to do. One of the questions that came up in some of my stay-or-go reading was whether I would stay if I could know for sure that I would never meet anyone better or more suited to me. I have asked myself that question before, in other relationships, and the answer has always been no -- that I wouldn't stay even if I knew there would be no one else as good as him. I don't know if I wanted to take my chances or if I was just that certain that those men were wrong for me, and I knew I would be OK on my own, if nothing else. But this time, I have a different answer. If I knew I would never meet anyone else as 'good' as him, I would stay. I don't know if its my age or what, but I seem to have outgrown my rebellious "no one needs a man" phase and now I can see the value in having a life partner as you age. Just another consideration, I guess.
Citizen Erased Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I know he loves me, and we have talked about marriage. He says he is perfectly content in the relationship. And I have worked very hard to make sure he is as happy as can be, by socializing more than I would really like to. But I don't feel like he is meeting me halfway. I need to feel more significant. I want to be a priority. I want him to want to see me. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do. He isn't interested in addressing this issue with me, because he says he is happy and I need to find a way to make it work for me. Today, the only option seems to be to leaving. I need something he is unable or unwilling to give. But I love him dearly, and apart from this, our relationship is a good one. I've been in a bunch of relationships in the past. There is more good than bad in this one. But this issue hurts. I want to feel like my needs and desires are important to him. I don't know what to do. You're doing your part, by stepping into more social situations than you would like just to please him. He has stated very clearly that he is not willing to even attempt to respond in kind. In other words, he's happy that he gets what he wants but you're on your own. If you can be happy with servicing his needs but not having yours met, then by all means stay with him. Normally I'd suggest you discuss this with him and try by all means to sort out a compromise, but it appears he makes this not even an option. I think you know what to do. I don't envy you this decision. Just remember that your ultimate happiness is what is most important.
KathyM Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I'll be blunt here and say you are not a match. He needs a lot of social stimulation by other people in order to feel in equilibrium. You want a more personal, one-on-one relationship, and you want to feel that you are the priority for him, and not other people. He would be a match with someone who needed more social stimulation than you. I know you want to make this work, but it really doesn't, and even though you may attempt to accommodate him, you will continue to resent him more and more for being there for everyone except you. I would suggest you end it. This is who you are and who he is. It's not going to change, it will only lead to resentment as time goes on. My sister dated a guy like your guy a year ago. She really liked him, maybe even loved him, and he had so much going for him, but she ended up dumping him because he always seemed to have something else to do instead of spending one-on-one time. He talked a good talk, said all the romantic, desirable things to her, was a really great quality guy, but he just didn't make a one-on-one relationship the priority for him, and that was not what my sister wanted. It was hard to give him up, but she realized they were not a match. A year after she left him, she met the perfect man for her who wants the one-on-one relationship with her and makes her the biggest priority in his life, and they are getting married next month. If that is what you want--to be a priority in your guy's life, I suggest you find someone who is willing to make you a priority. This guy is not. Sorry.
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