Whatever the Army version of GiGS would be...

[PoppyLove89]

Right so as we all know I've been going back and forth trying to reason as to what went wrong and what my ex is playing at...we broke up two and a half months ago...find my threads if you aren't familiar with my story, guys (and you're remotely interested)

 

Anyway, I've just come off the phone to my ex's mother (no don't worry I didn't contact her, she rang me as we've always got on well and I've been friends with my ex's sisters for years anyway) Turns out it's not just me that my ex has been ignoring/rude/mean to! Since the split he's also been avoiding his family and been acting like a self-centred idiot! He's not himself, I even said in a post that the last time I saw him I didn't even recognise the cocky, arrogant, smirky, fake guy he's turned into - even his own mother doesn't recognise him. It's almost like he's lost himself and he's latched onto his superficial friends (they really are!) and adopted their personalities. At least I wasn't imagining this! She brought this up on her own accord.

 

For example, his mum had to go to hospital because her ex boyfriend beat her up, my ex got leave from the army to take her and to "take care of her". Yeah, well he took her to the hospital, dropped his bags off at home and went straight to his friend's house! The ex I knew and was in love with would never have just left his mum in hospital on her own after something like this, especially not just so he can go and see his mates. She thinks they seem to be controlling him a little...or influencing him but not for the better!

 

Basically, he has started to push anyone and everyone close to him away; first me, then his three sisters and now his mum. He's attached himself to his much younger group of friends and has been going out drinking himself into oblivion pretty much every weekend since the split; basically acting like a teenager (he's 24 in February and his friends are all just turned 20 and younger). This is unusual behaviour for him since he's never been a) a good drinker nor b) a big drinker; in the year we were together he only went on about 4 nights out because he felt drinking was "counter-productive to my training."

 

Here's our point: my ex is in the army and due to deploy to Afghan next March (so he's got a little over a year to go for that) but he's also off for training in Kenya in the summer and we've all realised that he's absolutely terrified (who wouldn't be?!). His mum believes the reality of what he has got himself into has finally hit - he's going and there's no way out of it! This makes sense to me considering everytime I got upset and scared about him going out there, he'd shut off and get really agitated with me = he didn't know what to say to make me feel better since he's just as scared as I am and there's nothing he can do about it. Also, while he was away in the field (training) for 6 weeks in the summer, his best-friend told me that my ex told him this; "I wish she wouldn't keep fighting for us, I'd rather she leave me now and get over me than me ruin her life if I don't come back alive." I should also mention that his father died just over a year & a half ago...his father never wanted him to sign up. We think he's feeling extremely guilty over this now and going against his wishes.

 

So basically, he's now emotionally cut himself off from anyone too close to him and is living life fast - going out getting hammered, flirting with younger girls (coz let's face it, what kind of serious commitment is an 18 year-old gonna want, really?) and avoiding his family (because they'll tell him it how it is and he won't want to hear it).

 

Even his sister said to me, "He's pushing you away because you're too close. He's always had to be in control of everything in his life but you're in his heart, he loves you and he can't shut it off, that's why he's acting this way. He wants you to hate him so you won't beg him back...so he doesn't have the choice of giving in. He's drinking to forget everything."

 

Anyway, this little chat has made me realise that he isn't coming back...or if he is, it won't be for a long time - heartbroken.

 

Obviously it's not GiGS in it's truest form but you know what I mean? The similarities are there right?! It's like an "I-could-die-in-just-over-a-year-crisis" and it's absolutely devastating

Edited January 16, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[PoppyLove89]

I should also mention that he told me he thought he was depressed; once during the relationship whilst he was at camp ("I just never seem to want to get out of bed anymore and I'm so bored here (camp) that I either just want to leave or go to Afghan!") and the day after the split too.

 

I personally think it all has a lot to do with his repressed anger/regret/sadness at how he treated his father before he died and going against his wishes. I don't think he ever truly grieved as he once said "when they're gone, they're gone. no amount of crying is going to bring them back." (not a healthy attitude right?! he's mind over matter)

 

Also, I'm starting to think the fact that we were seriously talking about moving in together may also have been a factor - even though he always seemed enthusiastic and would often enthusiastically raise the topic himself.

 

He seemed very confused and even now when I see him on nights out and I catch his eye I feel like the life has gone from behind them

[Philosoraptor]

Poppy... we were doing so well. You are grasping at straws again and rationalizing things. You know his character and you've displayed it in many posts but you try to rationalize things when you are feeling down. We all have done it so it's ok. But you need to keep moving forward and not let yourself stall for so long. It's ok to have a thought or two but you've been letting yourself dwell in these "possibilities" rather than looking at the facts logically.

[Emilia]

Some of it sounds familiar. I don't have any contact with my ex's family so I have no idea how they view the way he is at the moment and whether they think his personality changed but he is really down. I tried to talk to him back in November about his life in the army but only managed to pull out 'yes' and 'no' answers from him. He wanted to know what I had been up to but he sounded bored and fed up with how things were for him. He even stopped going out which worried me a lot because he is usually the most restless boy, really outgoing, etc.

 

It makes me sad but he is a grown man and he has to sort his own life out. I kind of force him to keep in touch with me (very lightly) especially because I want to know about deployment details but at the end of the day he has to get through it somehow by himself.